Reply to Husband is hesitant to have kids and I don't know what to do

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is OP. Thank you for the many kind replies.

My husband loves me and I’m certain that if I gave him an ultimatum or even just voiced my fears directly that he would give me what I want and agree to try. I know he would do that. He would do anything, literally anything, not to lose me.

But we both lose if I do that, don’t we? I guess I get the kid (maybe), but I have a co parent who doesn’t really want to be one.  Or we spend years trying and my heart breaks as we do and all the while my husband secretly holds his breath and feels relief with every "not pregnant" test result or miscarriage. I think that would kill me. I just want him to want to build a family with me.

I guess I could take the gamble that once we have the baby and it’s real that he’ll fall in love with our child and be excited about fatherhood. That’s a hell of a risk though.

He has one close friend and one brother who have young kids. I don’t think proximity to them has helped or will help. The brother’s kids have varying degrees of scary health situations resulting from premature births. The kids are okay but my brother in law and his wife have really been through it. I’m sure that contributes to my husband’s hesitations. 
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The only thing you are certain of is what you want.

And you want this big time. You make that clear. If he says he got it and is willing to start trying ASAP, you believe him and you start trying. That's how life works. You are not a mind reader. You take your spouse at their word. If you cannot do that, the marriage is doomed, because compromise will always need to happen.

You give him the ultimatum. He accepts it and you have a baby together. He rejects it or asks you to wait, you divorce. He wiggles a little bit, you divorce. You are not begging someone to have a kid with you. You'd rather have one by yourself than beg someone to have one with you.
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