Wide age spans of girls in a grade- what to expect?

[Anonymous]

My DD is at an all girls school that does pre-first, which means there can be a wide age gap. My DD, who is one of the oldest, hangs out with a lot of girls who are at least a year younger because they have similar interests. In fact, you would not be able to guess ages by who talks about bras, boyfriends, social media. And mean girls and drama queens will act unpleasantly regardless of their ages.

If you look for issues, surely you’ll find them but correlation does not equal causation and your DD may end up best friends with one of the oldest DDs, like mine who was last in her class to get an iPhone.

Either let it go or have her repeat but the endless hand wringing you are setting yourself up for is unhealthy and unhelpful for you or your DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is at an all girls school that does pre-first, which means there can be a wide age gap. My DD, who is one of the oldest, hangs out with a lot of girls who are at least a year younger because they have similar interests. In fact, you would not be able to guess ages by who talks about bras, boyfriends, social media. And mean girls and drama queens will act unpleasantly regardless of their ages.

If you look for issues, surely you’ll find them but correlation does not equal causation and your DD may end up best friends with one of the oldest DDs, like mine who was last in her class to get an iPhone.

Either let it go or have her repeat but the endless hand wringing you are setting yourself up for is unhealthy and unhelpful for you or your DD.

So you have a DD who is one of the oldest but think you can speak of the experience of OP who has one of the younger kids? Well, you can't.

I have an older girl whose interests skew younger as I mentioned in an earlier post. Sure she was picked on by some of the older kids who have older subs, but that was nothing compared to the treatment the truly younger girls got.

She has a third choice you didn't mention. She can try another school.

[Anonymous]

*older sibs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The older girls will set the tone of the class. If you already don't like it, expect it only to heighten as they approach early puberty. My DD is older, but she is my eldest and so her interests have always been younger than her peers.

The dynamic you describe has happened many times in her classrooms. Anyone who says that you are overthinking this is ignorant of the issues that can come up. Unless you child really enjoys the school, it couldn't hurt to look around. You are paying for it after all.

+1, I think if your gut is telling you this is a problem, it’s a problem.

I have an only child who is the youngest girl in her grade, and we’ve dealt with some aspect of this issue since kindergarten. But our school is stricter about redshirting so the age span is smaller. Also, while each fall there is some amount of social drama, by mid year DD has settled and found her people. It has helped that she is strong academically.

But the thing about older sisters resulting in certain challenging behavior is very real. And the stuff about your child always feeling left out or behind the others on interests and friendships. It isn’t overblown and you aren’t overthinking— it has an impact in your child daily.

The best advice I have for you is to invest time and effort in one or two extra curricular that will provide a social outlet for her, where these problems aren’t there. That’s been dance for DD. More girls who are onlies or eldest children, and more girls near her in age. She also has two family friends who are about 6 months younger than her (and a grade behind her), and we make a point of spending time with them often. It helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You couldn't overthink this any more if you tried. I would not be at ALL surprised if you wrote these things out on a piece of paper. An Excel spreadsheet could be involved.

You need to unclench. You need to let this unfold however they unfold, and deal with whatever comes up. You can't predict or control or prepare. Relax.

I think I could stand to be a little better prepared than I have been- I wasn’t expecting my daughter to be lonely at recess because her classmates were huddled around talking about bras, boyfriends, etc. while she’s trying to organize a group to jump rope. I’d like to think about conversations I might need to have during the relaxed safety of summer so my daughter goes into 3rd grade feeling less off-kilter. And maybe getting a better idea of some of the downsides to consider so I can think through whether a future school switch would be a good idea.

This already happened? So when your child was 7, she was left out because 1/4 of the 9 year olds were all discussing bras and boyfriends? Or this is what you’re afraid of happening this year? What about the other 3/4 of the class? Why not reconsider public right now? If this hasn’t happened yet, the poster is right- you’re overthinking this in such a major way, your anxiety about it will run off on your child and there will be problems because she’ll see the situation as you do.

yes, this actually happened in the spring of 2nd grade (!) and similar stuff is happening this summer when we attend big group events.

Thank you to the good advice I’ve received in this thread. To clarify a few things:

-the school doesn’t have the problem of girls leaving in middle school every single year. It happens every 5 years or so when a cohort is a bit off.

-my daughter is in one intense after-school activity and one casual one. Both have given her a group of genuine, supportive friends. Ironically, they’re both activities that divide levels based on skill not age so she has friends of all ages in her activity and it works out fine. Something about the school dynamic is unhealthy.

-on reflection I think that the culture at her school does magnify some of the issues I’m observing. We live in an area where many schools run from 5th-12th and middle school starts in 6th grade so I’m now thinking about the timing of a switch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You couldn't overthink this any more if you tried. I would not be at ALL surprised if you wrote these things out on a piece of paper. An Excel spreadsheet could be involved.

You need to unclench. You need to let this unfold however they unfold, and deal with whatever comes up. You can't predict or control or prepare. Relax.

Agree. Bizarre you are so hung up on this. Nothing has even transpired yet

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You couldn't overthink this any more if you tried. I would not be at ALL surprised if you wrote these things out on a piece of paper. An Excel spreadsheet could be involved.

You need to unclench. You need to let this unfold however they unfold, and deal with whatever comes up. You can't predict or control or prepare. Relax.

Agree. Bizarre you are so hung up on this. Nothing has even transpired yet

Uh, plenty has transpired. Her grade has age-appropriate or slightly rushed behavior that does not match the age/developmental level of typical ages for that grade. It is impacting my DD socially because even if she avoids these girls, the social power of the oldest girls means that they largely dictate the social dynamics of classroom and recess time. I feel like these girls are dragging other girls away from the small joys of childhood for no good reason. And I’m trying to think about what they will be like in the coming years so I can make educated decisions about my DD’s life.

[Anonymous]

My kid just turned 11 in June and is going into 6th. She is not the youngest. 2 of her close friends have August birthdays and one has an early September birthday and tested in early in K. I know a few other kids birthdays but not all. She is also at a K-8 and started in 4th but we’ve had no issues yet. I have no idea if there are any red shirted kids but I also haven’t asked.
How do you know every single kids birthday in the grade? I almost feel like you’re looking for a problem OP. If she has a good group of friends there don’t worry about the varying ages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You couldn't overthink this any more if you tried. I would not be at ALL surprised if you wrote these things out on a piece of paper. An Excel spreadsheet could be involved.

You need to unclench. You need to let this unfold however they unfold, and deal with whatever comes up. You can't predict or control or prepare. Relax.

Agree. Bizarre you are so hung up on this. Nothing has even transpired yet

Uh, plenty has transpired. Her grade has age-appropriate or slightly rushed behavior that does not match the age/developmental level of typical ages for that grade. It is impacting my DD socially because even if she avoids these girls, the social power of the oldest girls means that they largely dictate the social dynamics of classroom and recess time. I feel like these girls are dragging other girls away from the small joys of childhood for no good reason. And I’m trying to think about what they will be like in the coming years so I can make educated decisions about my DD’s life.

This is kid specific not age. I’m the above PP. my kid just got a phone for example. I’d say about half the kids in her class had them in 4th. There was some drama with different text chats. My kid wasn’t involved because she had no phone, not because they are older than her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid just turned 11 in June and is going into 6th. She is not the youngest. 2 of her close friends have August birthdays and one has an early September birthday and tested in early in K. I know a few other kids birthdays but not all. She is also at a K-8 and started in 4th but we’ve had no issues yet. I have no idea if there are any red shirted kids but I also haven’t asked.
How do you know every single kids birthday in the grade? I almost feel like you’re looking for a problem OP. If she has a good group of friends there don’t worry about the varying ages.

Small school + bday invites to the entire class= you know everyone’s birthday. Plus little kids are loudmouths and quick to announce to everyone their age in fractional years and/or how old they’re turning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You couldn't overthink this any more if you tried. I would not be at ALL surprised if you wrote these things out on a piece of paper. An Excel spreadsheet could be involved.

You need to unclench. You need to let this unfold however they unfold, and deal with whatever comes up. You can't predict or control or prepare. Relax.

Agree. Bizarre you are so hung up on this. Nothing has even transpired yet

Uh, plenty has transpired. Her grade has age-appropriate or slightly rushed behavior that does not match the age/developmental level of typical ages for that grade. It is impacting my DD socially because even if she avoids these girls, the social power of the oldest girls means that they largely dictate the social dynamics of classroom and recess time. I feel like these girls are dragging other girls away from the small joys of childhood for no good reason. And I’m trying to think about what they will be like in the coming years so I can make educated decisions about my DD’s life.

I know you mean well, OP, but a lot of things change between now and high school. This is PP 23:39 again, urging you not to borrow trouble. Now that I think way back to when my DD (young for grade/late summer bday) was closer to your DD's age and there was some drama. She got caught in the middle of social drama with two old-for-grade queen bee types in 3rd or 4th grade. Each bee was competitive with the other bee and wanted to befriend DD whenever they did not get along with each other, but them immediately dumped her when they became friends again. This happened for many cycles. Many tears were shed. But honestly it was a good learning experience for her and she barely experienced any drama since then, even during the middle school years. She now knows that kind of friendships are real and which kind are not, and doesn't let herself get manipulated. Some kind of drama is probably inevitable, and they just have to experience it and grow from it.

I really don't agree with posters who suggest you hold her back or change schools, unless there is a good academic reason or bullying going on. Being the youngest has been great for my DD academically. She would be so bored being held back. And changing schools does not guarantee she won't face the same issues, because as I said, this kind of dynamic happens everywhere. I would just encourage her to build strong friendships with a few of the very nice girls who are not in the mean girl group. Host a lot of playdates, sleepovers, etc. Also understand that friendships shift throughout the years, especially when they start middle school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You couldn't overthink this any more if you tried. I would not be at ALL surprised if you wrote these things out on a piece of paper. An Excel spreadsheet could be involved.

You need to unclench. You need to let this unfold however they unfold, and deal with whatever comes up. You can't predict or control or prepare. Relax.

I think I could stand to be a little better prepared than I have been- I wasn’t expecting my daughter to be lonely at recess because her classmates were huddled around talking about bras, boyfriends, etc. while she’s trying to organize a group to jump rope. I’d like to think about conversations I might need to have during the relaxed safety of summer so my daughter goes into 3rd grade feeling less off-kilter. And maybe getting a better idea of some of the downsides to consider so I can think through whether a future school switch would be a good idea.

This already happened? So when your child was 7, she was left out because 1/4 of the 9 year olds were all discussing bras and boyfriends? Or this is what you’re afraid of happening this year? What about the other 3/4 of the class? Why not reconsider public right now? If this hasn’t happened yet, the poster is right- you’re overthinking this in such a major way, your anxiety about it will run off on your child and there will be problems because she’ll see the situation as you do.

yes, this actually happened in the spring of 2nd grade (!) and similar stuff is happening this summer when we attend big group events.

Thank you to the good advice I’ve received in this thread. To clarify a few things:

-the school doesn’t have the problem of girls leaving in middle school every single year. It happens every 5 years or so when a cohort is a bit off.

-my daughter is in one intense after-school activity and one casual one. Both have given her a group of genuine, supportive friends. Ironically, they’re both activities that divide levels based on skill not age so she has friends of all ages in her activity and it works out fine. Something about the school dynamic is unhealthy.

-on reflection I think that the culture at her school does magnify some of the issues I’m observing. We live in an area where many schools run from 5th-12th and middle school starts in 6th grade so I’m now thinking about the timing of a switch.

Second graders talking about boys and bras are not scary like you think a middle schooler talks about boys. This is maybe beyond what your kid does but it’s also not like a real boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

Some of y’all are being weirdly dismissive. It’s very normal to be concerned about your child being an outlier socially at school. It’s not about being afraid of your kid growing up too fast. It’s wanting to make sure they have peers and can make friends and relate to peers at school.

If you had a kid who seemed to be in a totally different developmental stage than her peers, you would notice and question whether it was the right environment too. It’s not overthinking. OP is being a good parent and paying attention. The harsh eye rolling responses on this thread are weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You couldn't overthink this any more if you tried. I would not be at ALL surprised if you wrote these things out on a piece of paper. An Excel spreadsheet could be involved.

You need to unclench. You need to let this unfold however they unfold, and deal with whatever comes up. You can't predict or control or prepare. Relax.

I think I could stand to be a little better prepared than I have been- I wasn’t expecting my daughter to be lonely at recess because her classmates were huddled around talking about bras, boyfriends, etc. while she’s trying to organize a group to jump rope. I’d like to think about conversations I might need to have during the relaxed safety of summer so my daughter goes into 3rd grade feeling less off-kilter. And maybe getting a better idea of some of the downsides to consider so I can think through whether a future school switch would be a good idea.

This already happened? So when your child was 7, she was left out because 1/4 of the 9 year olds were all discussing bras and boyfriends? Or this is what you’re afraid of happening this year? What about the other 3/4 of the class? Why not reconsider public right now? If this hasn’t happened yet, the poster is right- you’re overthinking this in such a major way, your anxiety about it will run off on your child and there will be problems because she’ll see the situation as you do.

yes, this actually happened in the spring of 2nd grade (!) and similar stuff is happening this summer when we attend big group events.

Thank you to the good advice I’ve received in this thread. To clarify a few things:

-the school doesn’t have the problem of girls leaving in middle school every single year. It happens every 5 years or so when a cohort is a bit off.

-my daughter is in one intense after-school activity and one casual one. Both have given her a group of genuine, supportive friends. Ironically, they’re both activities that divide levels based on skill not age so she has friends of all ages in her activity and it works out fine. Something about the school dynamic is unhealthy.

-on reflection I think that the culture at her school does magnify some of the issues I’m observing. We live in an area where many schools run from 5th-12th and middle school starts in 6th grade so I’m now thinking about the timing of a switch.

Second graders talking about boys and bras are not scary like you think a middle schooler talks about boys. This is maybe beyond what your kid does but it’s also not like a real boyfriend.

These second graders were redshirted so they are supposed to be in third grade. Talking about boys and bras is normal for second semester third graders. My DD was born in Jan and is my oldest but her BFF was born at the end of July and had an older sister so she had been around older kids her entire life. My DD wanted a training bra because her friend convinced her she needed one. My DD also had “crushes” in third grade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A quarter of the girls will be 10 by Christmas of 3rd grade? I have trouble believing that.

My kid goes to an all boys private with a huge amount of redshirting and reclassing, and the rates aren't near that high.

No, a quarter of the girls will be turning 10 between Christmas and February. And yes, I agree that it is unusual. But this is a group that also absorbed a decent amount of 2019-20 kindergarten repeats from public schools (they missed 3 months of kindergarten, essentially) and a few other complicated situations.

So 25% of her classmates were held back, not for 1 year, but for 2 years? Sounds like you need to switch schools.