Wide age spans of girls in a grade- what to expect?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a young for the grade child. Because of their interests they are often with older kids. No big deal. Academically it’s been fine but I’d be concerned about kids that much older needing to be held back.

The academic part is a little strange. Some of them are quite advanced but there is also a ton of intensive tutoring happening after school. I don’t know if it is remedial or for enrichment. My daughter is one of 3 in the entire grade who doesn’t have a math tutor, and I do worry that will impact her in the long-term.

It sounds like the obvious solution is to have her repeat, or move to public. A July birthday is pretty late in most places for private schools and you already have concerns about her keeping up.

Don’t hold her back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:23:18 again and I do have some advice. If your daughter ends up being friends with much older girls, they may be allowed to do things before you are comfortable. For example, trick or treating on their own. You can’t ask or request parents stay with the group if they are already independent on stuff like this. When the time comes, tell your own kid she can’t go if you aren’t okay with the lack of supervision.

We have had these situations come up with ToT, the mall, going out to lunch on their own, the pool, etc.

Now with my oldest I’m on the flip side and he’s the youngest. Friends are driving and I won’t let him be in a car with new drivers yet so he can’t go to some things.

This happens regardless. Some parents are more relaxed. Just say no.

[Anonymous]

My DD, entering high school, has never had a problem being one of the youngest in her grade. Yes she has always been behind the others in her interests—last to be interested in boys, makeup, etc. she is not one of the popular leader types but has generally gotten along with her classmates and made good friends. There have been some conflicts with mean queen bee types in her grade but she has learned to avoid relationships with dramatic people, and her friends think she is the “sweet” one. I think ultimately personality matters more than age. Encourage her to avoid mean types and find nice stable friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:23:18 again and I do have some advice. If your daughter ends up being friends with much older girls, they may be allowed to do things before you are comfortable. For example, trick or treating on their own. You can’t ask or request parents stay with the group if they are already independent on stuff like this. When the time comes, tell your own kid she can’t go if you aren’t okay with the lack of supervision.

We have had these situations come up with ToT, the mall, going out to lunch on their own, the pool, etc.

Now with my oldest I’m on the flip side and he’s the youngest. Friends are driving and I won’t let him be in a car with new drivers yet so he can’t go to some things.

This happens regardless. Some parents are more relaxed. Just say no.

You are quoting me and this is true. There are a million examples where parenting gets hard in the middle and HS years. I put some where age may be a factor but just saying no is the best advice.

My son isn’t old enough to get his permit yet and several friends have their license. I still just say no when he wants to go. Really it’s more of the FOMO and that can happen at any age.

To OP, don’t worry about cells. Some kids will get them early. Some will wait. Eventually most will at least use a laptop and iMessage to communicate and you can monitor that.

[Anonymous]

*ipad. Not laptop

[Anonymous]

Some 3rd & 4th grade girls have a lot of drama around cliques, who is best friends with who, etc. So I would get ready for that. Nothing you can do to prevent, just keep emphasizing how to be a good friend & how to recognize good friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Fwiw, them having older siblings would cause this on its own. But yes, I would buckle up for a rough time socially

Can you elaborate on the older sibling thing? I grew up with a lot of youngest siblings but it was the 80s so the most obvious issue was that their parents were tired and hands-off.

NP. Kids with older sibs get exposed to more things at a younger and quicker rate plus usually parents are more tired/hands-off/permissive with their younger kids and don’t care as much about mean girl exclusive behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some 3rd & 4th grade girls have a lot of drama around cliques, who is best friends with who, etc. So I would get ready for that. Nothing you can do to prevent, just keep emphasizing how to be a good friend & how to recognize good friends.

+1 I was average age for my grade and my best friend in elementary (barely a month older) and I started growing apart in 3rd/4th because she was starting to hit puberty and I was not and our interests diverged. It’s rough but it happens regardless of age. Encourage your daughter to spend time with kids whose interests/maturity levels are a better match for her.

[Anonymous]

A private school that has lots of girls bailing due to social issues leading to gender imbalances in classrooms, etc sounds like a place with a major institutional problem. I would really take a step back to try to figure out if this school is really handling things well. It sounds like they may cater to overprivileged families that want their kids to repeat grades, etc to continue to try to make sure their kid is “ahead” of everyone else. I would think really hard about whether this school is actually a good fit or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You couldn't overthink this any more if you tried. I would not be at ALL surprised if you wrote these things out on a piece of paper. An Excel spreadsheet could be involved.

You need to unclench. You need to let this unfold however they unfold, and deal with whatever comes up. You can't predict or control or prepare. Relax.

I think I could stand to be a little better prepared than I have been- I wasn’t expecting my daughter to be lonely at recess because her classmates were huddled around talking about bras, boyfriends, etc. while she’s trying to organize a group to jump rope. I’d like to think about conversations I might need to have during the relaxed safety of summer so my daughter goes into 3rd grade feeling less off-kilter. And maybe getting a better idea of some of the downsides to consider so I can think through whether a future school switch would be a good idea.

This already happened? So when your child was 7, she was left out because 1/4 of the 9 year olds were all discussing bras and boyfriends? Or this is what you’re afraid of happening this year? What about the other 3/4 of the class? Why not reconsider public right now? If this hasn’t happened yet, the poster is right- you’re overthinking this in such a major way, your anxiety about it will run off on your child and there will be problems because she’ll see the situation as you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Fwiw, them having older siblings would cause this on its own. But yes, I would buckle up for a rough time socially

Can you elaborate on the older sibling thing? I grew up with a lot of youngest siblings but it was the 80s so the most obvious issue was that their parents were tired and hands-off.

NP. Kids with older sibs get exposed to more things at a younger and quicker rate plus usually parents are more tired/hands-off/permissive with their younger kids and don’t care as much about mean girl exclusive behavior.

This is true in many cases

[Anonymous]

The older girls will set the tone of the class. If you already don't like it, expect it only to heighten as they approach early puberty. My DD is older, but she is my eldest and so her interests have always been younger than her peers.

The dynamic you describe has happened many times in her classrooms. Anyone who says that you are overthinking this is ignorant of the issues that can come up. Unless you child really enjoys the school, it couldn't hurt to look around. You are paying for it after all.

[Anonymous]

My kids are at BVR and by DCUM talks that’s one of the schools where redshirting is rampant. My own DD is redshirted, but she was born days before the cutoff and the youngest person in her class this past year was 9 months younger. There was one redshirted girl with a February birthday which would have made her 15 months older than the youngest person in the class. I have NEVER heard of anyone with. Birthday earlier than February being redshirted (and I have/had 3 kids going through BVR). Which school allows for such a huge age spread? That can’t be good. My son has an April birthday and when I asked the admission people if we should redshirt, they said they don’t like to redshirt anyone with birthdays earlier than May-June unless there is a real issue.

I would absolutely change school. 22 months age spread is bad for everyone and not just socially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A private school that has lots of girls bailing due to social issues leading to gender imbalances in classrooms, etc sounds like a place with a major institutional problem. I would really take a step back to try to figure out if this school is really handling things well. It sounds like they may cater to overprivileged families that want their kids to repeat grades, etc to continue to try to make sure their kid is “ahead” of everyone else. I would think really hard about whether this school is actually a good fit or not.

Op, this poster is correct. And for those questioning the premise, these dynamics and age spreads may be uncommon in DC but I know they happen often in Baltimore. The way to solve it is to hold your kid back or find a new school. It sucks, given that your kid is the right age and just trying to have a normal school experience. But it’s also what you can control.

[Anonymous]

I would look elsewhere, OP. Let her be a child. It's already not a great fit and that is only going to get worse.