Wide age spans of girls in a grade- what to expect?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD is at an all girls school that does pre-first, which means there can be a wide age gap. My DD, who is one of the oldest, hangs out with a lot of girls who are at least a year younger because they have similar interests. In fact, you would not be able to guess ages by who talks about bras, boyfriends, social media. And mean girls and drama queens will act unpleasantly regardless of their ages.

If you look for issues, surely you’ll find them but correlation does not equal causation and your DD may end up best friends with one of the oldest DDs, like mine who was last in her class to get an iPhone.

Either let it go or have her repeat but the endless hand wringing you are setting yourself up for is unhealthy and unhelpful for you or your DD.

So you have a DD who is one of the oldest but think you can speak of the experience of OP who has one of the younger kids? Well, you can't.

I have an older girl whose interests skew younger as I mentioned in an earlier post. Sure she was picked on by some of the older kids who have older subs, but that was nothing compared to the treatment the truly younger girls got.

She has a third choice you didn't mention. She can try another school.

Why would you keep your kid at a school like that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You couldn't overthink this any more if you tried. I would not be at ALL surprised if you wrote these things out on a piece of paper. An Excel spreadsheet could be involved.

You need to unclench. You need to let this unfold however they unfold, and deal with whatever comes up. You can't predict or control or prepare. Relax.

Agree. Bizarre you are so hung up on this. Nothing has even transpired yet

Uh, plenty has transpired. Her grade has age-appropriate or slightly rushed behavior that does not match the age/developmental level of typical ages for that grade. It is impacting my DD socially because even if she avoids these girls, the social power of the oldest girls means that they largely dictate the social dynamics of classroom and recess time. I feel like these girls are dragging other girls away from the small joys of childhood for no good reason. And I’m trying to think about what they will be like in the coming years so I can make educated decisions about my DD’s life.

That is kid specific. Being in a class with kids within 18 months age of yours should be a total non issue. My kids go to a Montessori elementary school where kids within 3 years of each other all work together. My children have friends older and younger. There are no social issues directly related to the ages.

It’s an issue in public’s with magnet tests that are age normed. Those kids seem smarter even though they are not as the kids are not true peers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait- will these 10yo girls be turning 20 their senior year of high school??? Crazy.

No.

3rd grade -- started at 9 and turned 10
4th -- were 10 turned 11
5th -- 11 turned 12
6th -- turned 13
7th -- 14
8th -- 15
9th - 16
10th -- 17
11th -- 18
12th -- started at 18 and turned 19 during the school year.

My 13 year old just finished 8th grade. That is crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait- will these 10yo girls be turning 20 their senior year of high school??? Crazy.

No.

3rd grade -- started at 9 and turned 10
4th -- were 10 turned 11
5th -- 11 turned 12
6th -- turned 13
7th -- 14
8th -- 15
9th - 16
10th -- 17
11th -- 18
12th -- started at 18 and turned 19 during the school year.

If they are 22 months older than OP’s DD that has a summer birthday they will be 19th e whole senior year and turn 20 right before they start freshman year in college. I don’t think starting college at 20 is a problem at all BTW, but I do think it’s a problem to have kids that are 22 months apart in the same classroom

It’s not necessarily a problem academically but it’s more an issue on expectations. People say younger kids are less mature but they are not and age appropriate. The older kids will always be less mature as their peer group is younger and that is the baseline.

My 13 year old just finished 8th grade. That is more than 22 months if that poster says a 13 year old belongs in 6th. I cannot imagine my child who is about to start high school just starting middle school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait- will these 10yo girls be turning 20 their senior year of high school??? Crazy.

No.

3rd grade -- started at 9 and turned 10
4th -- were 10 turned 11
5th -- 11 turned 12
6th -- turned 13
7th -- 14
8th -- 15
9th - 16
10th -- 17
11th -- 18
12th -- started at 18 and turned 19 during the school year.

If they are 22 months older than OP’s DD that has a summer birthday they will be 19th e whole senior year and turn 20 right before they start freshman year in college. I don’t think starting college at 20 is a problem at all BTW, but I do think it’s a problem to have kids that are 22 months apart in the same classroom

It’s not necessarily a problem academically but it’s more an issue on expectations. People say younger kids are less mature but they are not and age appropriate. The older kids will always be less mature as their peer group is younger and that is the baseline.

My 13 year old just finished 8th grade. That is more than 22 months if that poster says a 13 year old belongs in 6th. I cannot imagine my child who is about to start high school just starting middle school.

This is exactly it. The older girls in this grade are going to be in a situation where they are physically and psychologically more developed (or in the case of puberty, more hormone-addled) but in a grade that isn't really set up to deal with those issues. They will be in late elementary school with teachers used to pre-pubescent kids when they are going through things kid normally go through in middle school. So there won't be the same awareness at the school or efforts to address what's going on with these kids. Are these kids going to get middle-school level sex ed in 4th or 5th grade? This whole situation would stress me out.

They will be emotionally immature and unprepared for their physical maturity. These ages are already pretty hard for a lot of kids. This is a tinder box.

If I were OP, I'd be gone. I might talk to the administration about it and point out the issues, to see if they might age segregate the cohort and make some effort to address the puberty issues with the older group in a separate class, which would enable OP's DD to stay in a class with the younger side of the cohort who will be more in line with her, maturity wise. But short of that, I would not want to send my young-for-her-age DD to a school like this. They really effed this up.

[Anonymous]

9/1 cut off here. I have an October birthday girl and a July girl and there are pluses and minuses to both. I’d say sometimes what looks like a minus may end up a plus in the end even if it is hard in the moment, especially with our own insecurities as parents making us project into our kids….

What I’ve seen, is thar your child probably won’t be on the cool side of things (not a guarantee, but the “cool” kids in middle school were mostly the older kids) and that may create angst for them and you, but being cool often comes with negatives. Kids who are into Sex, drugs and drinking mostly. My October birthday teen has definitely done all of those things and ran with a fast crowd in a way her sister seems to be avoiding at the same stages of life. Some of that is personality, but some of that is just being being younger and not being interested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You couldn't overthink this any more if you tried. I would not be at ALL surprised if you wrote these things out on a piece of paper. An Excel spreadsheet could be involved.

You need to unclench. You need to let this unfold however they unfold, and deal with whatever comes up. You can't predict or control or prepare. Relax.

I think I could stand to be a little better prepared than I have been- I wasn’t expecting my daughter to be lonely at recess because her classmates were huddled around talking about bras, boyfriends, etc. while she’s trying to organize a group to jump rope. I’d like to think about conversations I might need to have during the relaxed safety of summer so my daughter goes into 3rd grade feeling less off-kilter. And maybe getting a better idea of some of the downsides to consider so I can think through whether a future school switch would be a good idea.

This already happened? So when your child was 7, she was left out because 1/4 of the 9 year olds were all discussing bras and boyfriends? Or this is what you’re afraid of happening this year? What about the other 3/4 of the class? Why not reconsider public right now? If this hasn’t happened yet, the poster is right- you’re overthinking this in such a major way, your anxiety about it will run off on your child and there will be problems because she’ll see the situation as you do.

yes, this actually happened in the spring of 2nd grade (!) and similar stuff is happening this summer when we attend big group events.

Thank you to the good advice I’ve received in this thread. To clarify a few things:

-the school doesn’t have the problem of girls leaving in middle school every single year. It happens every 5 years or so when a cohort is a bit off.

-my daughter is in one intense after-school activity and one casual one. Both have given her a group of genuine, supportive friends. Ironically, they’re both activities that divide levels based on skill not age so she has friends of all ages in her activity and it works out fine. Something about the school dynamic is unhealthy.

-on reflection I think that the culture at her school does magnify some of the issues I’m observing. We live in an area where many schools run from 5th-12th and middle school starts in 6th grade so I’m now thinking about the timing of a switch.

Second graders talking about boys and bras are not scary like you think a middle schooler talks about boys. This is maybe beyond what your kid does but it’s also not like a real boyfriend.

These second graders were redshirted so they are supposed to be in third grade. Talking about boys and bras is normal for second semester third graders. My DD was born in Jan and is my oldest but her BFF was born at the end of July and had an older sister so she had been around older kids her entire life. My DD wanted a training bra because her friend convinced her she needed one. My DD also had “crushes” in third grade.

That’s normal. And it’s not a big deal if a second grader is exposed to it but if it’s not your thing…75% of the class is the same age as her child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should switch to public school, OP. That sounds like a crazy, unhealthy environment.

+1. Kids in public would not have been allowed to be held back so ridiculously just because their parents wanted it.

[Anonymous]

I also agree you should switch to public. There’s a little less privilege and probably more people who sent their kids on time bc they couldn’t afford another year of daycare. So you might get some redshirting but not be quite so much an outlier with more kids closer in age.

I think holding back kids who are fall and winter birthdays is crazy and I have no idea why any parent thought it would be a good idea. They are going to see a lot of problems with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait- will these 10yo girls be turning 20 their senior year of high school??? Crazy.

No.

3rd grade -- started at 9 and turned 10
4th -- were 10 turned 11
5th -- 11 turned 12
6th -- turned 13
7th -- 14
8th -- 15
9th - 16
10th -- 17
11th -- 18
12th -- started at 18 and turned 19 during the school year.

If they are 22 months older than OP’s DD that has a summer birthday they will be 19th e whole senior year and turn 20 right before they start freshman year in college. I don’t think starting college at 20 is a problem at all BTW, but I do think it’s a problem to have kids that are 22 months apart in the same classroom

OP admitted that she either she can't do 2nd grade math or she made up the 22 month nonsense, and none of them are that old.

But even if they were 22 months older they wouldn't turn 20 until the end of the summer or early fall of the year they go to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also agree you should switch to public. There’s a little less privilege and probably more people who sent their kids on time bc they couldn’t afford another year of daycare. So you might get some redshirting but not be quite so much an outlier with more kids closer in age.

I think holding back kids who are fall and winter birthdays is crazy and I have no idea why any parent thought it would be a good idea. They are going to see a lot of problems with that.

I agree. I have an early summer birthday daughter who is in this same cohort of kids who got shorted on preK in 2020 and then got mostly virtual K (which OP avoided with private). We have some issues with emotional maturity, but it feels like it’s not an impossible bridge to cross. However, my DD’s 2nd grade teacher pointed out to me that all the kids’ behavior is a bit worse than it used to be. I get the sense in my area, most of the people who could afford private left. In some ways, it’s fine and in other ways it seems to have impacted the balance of things.

I have a DD coming out of 4th grade and the lines around social groups caused some problems. I predict that this will be worse with my 2nd child’s bigger reactions to most things. I don’t think it has too much to do with the pandemic age spread, but I guess I’ll find when DD2 has to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait- will these 10yo girls be turning 20 their senior year of high school??? Crazy.

No.

3rd grade -- started at 9 and turned 10
4th -- were 10 turned 11
5th -- 11 turned 12
6th -- turned 13
7th -- 14
8th -- 15
9th - 16
10th -- 17
11th -- 18
12th -- started at 18 and turned 19 during the school year.

I’m sorry but this is still crazy, 19 year old high school seniors?!

[Anonymous]

I'd seriously rethink spending any money on a private school that could not get a handle on age thresholds. There should not be that much extreme k redshirting and grade repeating post-k. Public schools are very hesitant to allow those shenanigans except with mitigating circumstances, so why can't your private school rein it in? The geriatric kids are not being served well and neither are the younger kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A quarter of the girls will be 10 by Christmas of 3rd grade? I have trouble believing that.

My kid goes to an all boys private with a huge amount of redshirting and reclassing, and the rates aren't near that high.

No, a quarter of the girls will be turning 10 between Christmas and February. And yes, I agree that it is unusual. But this is a group that also absorbed a decent amount of 2019-20 kindergarten repeats from public schools (they missed 3 months of kindergarten, essentially) and a few other complicated situations.

So 25% of her classmates were held back, not for 1 year, but for 2 years? Sounds like you need to switch schools.

This was probably due to the pandemic given OP’s kid’s age, and it’s going to be the case at most schools.

Um…no. I have a kid who just finished 2nd so same grade as OP’s kid (pandemic led to schools closed at end of 4k preschool and virtual school for kindergarten) no one was held back 2 years. The oldest kid in my kid’s class turned 9 in May of 2nd grade (so her bday is May 2014). Not sure I really believe OP that some kids are 22 months older than hers and in the same grade. So she’s saying there’s a September 2013 born kid and a July 2015 born kid in the same grade? No way unless the older kid has severe learning disorder or health issues. Certainly not 25% of girls in the grade are that much older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A quarter of the girls will be 10 by Christmas of 3rd grade? I have trouble believing that.

My kid goes to an all boys private with a huge amount of redshirting and reclassing, and the rates aren't near that high.

No, a quarter of the girls will be turning 10 between Christmas and February. And yes, I agree that it is unusual. But this is a group that also absorbed a decent amount of 2019-20 kindergarten repeats from public schools (they missed 3 months of kindergarten, essentially) and a few other complicated situations.

So 25% of her classmates were held back, not for 1 year, but for 2 years? Sounds like you need to switch schools.

This was probably due to the pandemic given OP’s kid’s age, and it’s going to be the case at most schools.

Um…no. I have a kid who just finished 2nd so same grade as OP’s kid (pandemic led to schools closed at end of 4k preschool and virtual school for kindergarten) no one was held back 2 years. The oldest kid in my kid’s class turned 9 in May of 2nd grade (so her bday is May 2014). Not sure I really believe OP that some kids are 22 months older than hers and in the same grade. So she’s saying there’s a September 2013 born kid and a July 2015 born kid in the same grade? No way unless the older kid has severe learning disorder or health issues. Certainly not 25% of girls in the grade are that much older.

at some weird private school, who the hell knows what they allow. they may very well allow a kindy-redshirted kid to be held back in later grades. absolute madness, but a private school can do what it wants for the most part.