Taking care of elderly family members who are not your parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think people should have to marry/have kids in order to ensure they will be cared for in old age.

But if you don’t marry/have kids, that should also leave you with a lot of freedom to save for old age AND set up your life for it so you don’t wind up in a situation where you need a high level of hands on care from a relative, or you can’t bare the thought of going to a full time care facility.

I think it’s very selfish to have no family of your own (which means never sacrificing or compromising for a spouse or kids), but also make no effort to secure yourself fir old age, and then to expect your siblings, nieces, and nephews to pick up the slack. You didn’t have to feed and clothe kids for 18+ years! Didn’t have to pay for college. Didn’t have to make compromises about your career or living situation for the good of the family. But now you want these people you never sacrificed for to take on your care? To sacrifice time with their own children for you?

It is beyond selfish. If you don’t have kids, you’ve go 50-some years to prepare for old age. Do it.

Yeah, but the reality is you still might need someone younger checking in and making sure things are going ok. I wouldn't expect my nieces and nephews to carry me to the toilet on a daily basis. But I do hope they visit me in the nursing home or at least call in and facetime with me and make the staff aware someone is there looking out for me. It helps prevent against elder abuse. I've got ten of them and if most of them manage to visit me once a year or so, and call me a few times a year, that can amount to a lot of oversight but not take up much of their time.

FWIW, I would have liked to have kids but never found the right partner. And I did do some things for my nieces and nephews - shower gifts and birthday and christmas gifts and babysitting and playing with them on family vacations and holidays.

I sense a bit of a theme of bitterness towards childless people in your post. It seems some people who have raised kids like the idea of those of us who haven't sitting in wet diapers in our old age to punish us for not having kids. That's really messed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eldercare is a tsunami that is starting to inundate the US and we have heard virtually nothing from our leaders about putting supports into place. It usually falls on the closest family members and traditionally women in particular. We will be seeing more and more demented elderly homeless roaming the streets, hoarded fire traps, and ERs overwhelmed with inaccompanied elderly people.

Maybe. Covid killed a lot of older people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think people should have to marry/have kids in order to ensure they will be cared for in old age.

But if you don’t marry/have kids, that should also leave you with a lot of freedom to save for old age AND set up your life for it so you don’t wind up in a situation where you need a high level of hands on care from a relative, or you can’t bare the thought of going to a full time care facility.

I think it’s very selfish to have no family of your own (which means never sacrificing or compromising for a spouse or kids), but also make no effort to secure yourself fir old age, and then to expect your siblings, nieces, and nephews to pick up the slack. You didn’t have to feed and clothe kids for 18+ years! Didn’t have to pay for college. Didn’t have to make compromises about your career or living situation for the good of the family. But now you want these people you never sacrificed for to take on your care? To sacrifice time with their own children for you?

It is beyond selfish. If you don’t have kids, you’ve go 50-some years to prepare for old age. Do it.

Yeah, but the reality is you still might need someone younger checking in and making sure things are going ok. I wouldn't expect my nieces and nephews to carry me to the toilet on a daily basis. But I do hope they visit me in the nursing home or at least call in and facetime with me and make the staff aware someone is there looking out for me. It helps prevent against elder abuse. I've got ten of them and if most of them manage to visit me once a year or so, and call me a few times a year, that can amount to a lot of oversight but not take up much of their time.

FWIW, I would have liked to have kids but never found the right partner. And I did do some things for my nieces and nephews - shower gifts and birthday and christmas gifts and babysitting and playing with them on family vacations and holidays.

I sense a bit of a theme of bitterness towards childless people in your post. It seems some people who have raised kids like the idea of those of us who haven't sitting in wet diapers in our old age to punish us for not having kids. That's really messed up.

I am not bitter towards childless people, but parenting is a lot of work and sacrifice and it's unrealistic to expect nieces and nephews to care for you if you didn't put in time with them to build those relationships. It sounds like you have put in time and effort and they will want to help you, even if only to check in and make sure you're okay. Plus you have 10 nieces and nephews, so they can spread the work around.

Very different from simply expecting your one niece will take care of you in old age for no other reason than you don't have anyone else to do it. That IS selfish. You don't sound selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think people should have to marry/have kids in order to ensure they will be cared for in old age.

But if you don’t marry/have kids, that should also leave you with a lot of freedom to save for old age AND set up your life for it so you don’t wind up in a situation where you need a high level of hands on care from a relative, or you can’t bare the thought of going to a full time care facility.

I think it’s very selfish to have no family of your own (which means never sacrificing or compromising for a spouse or kids), but also make no effort to secure yourself fir old age, and then to expect your siblings, nieces, and nephews to pick up the slack. You didn’t have to feed and clothe kids for 18+ years! Didn’t have to pay for college. Didn’t have to make compromises about your career or living situation for the good of the family. But now you want these people you never sacrificed for to take on your care? To sacrifice time with their own children for you?

It is beyond selfish. If you don’t have kids, you’ve go 50-some years to prepare for old age. Do it.

Yeah, but the reality is you still might need someone younger checking in and making sure things are going ok. I wouldn't expect my nieces and nephews to carry me to the toilet on a daily basis. But I do hope they visit me in the nursing home or at least call in and facetime with me and make the staff aware someone is there looking out for me. It helps prevent against elder abuse. I've got ten of them and if most of them manage to visit me once a year or so, and call me a few times a year, that can amount to a lot of oversight but not take up much of their time.

FWIW, I would have liked to have kids but never found the right partner. And I did do some things for my nieces and nephews - shower gifts and birthday and christmas gifts and babysitting and playing with them on family vacations and holidays.

I sense a bit of a theme of bitterness towards childless people in your post. It seems some people who have raised kids like the idea of those of us who haven't sitting in wet diapers in our old age to punish us for not having kids. That's really messed up.

I posted on the first page that I expect to do that (call, visit, write, etc) for my child free aunts and am glad to do so because they’ve always been there for me as it sounds like you’ve been for your nieces and nephews. I think this is how it works and it gets more complicated when the people aging aren’t financially able to look after themselves or the children are overwhelmed by elder care combined with other things (eg their own medical care, kids, etc).

I disagree with PPP who feels people who don’t have children are more selfish/sacrifice less. I think I, having the most kids of my siblings, am the most selfish. I adore my children but I had them because I wanted them — their love and their companionship and the joy of watching them grow up. People who choose not to have children are making different choices that are frankly better for the environment and humanity and I’m grateful for the many adults I (and my kids) get to know with their many backgrounds, experiences, and desires.

[Anonymous]

I’m in this situation right now and have been for the last 2 years. My aunt has no children or other living family that she is close to. I’m her healthcare and financial POA. She is in a nursing home so she has caregivers but early on she expected me to visit multiple times a week which was really stressful since I have kids with SN and an elderly parent. The visits are what had to go sadly for me to keep my sanity. These days I call her most days, pay her bills, check on her home which she isn’t ready to sell (but will need to be addressed), deal with caregivers and providers, etc. While it’s very stressful some weeks, I don’t think there’s any chance I could live with myself if I didn’t help out. But I would never want my kids to be in this position.

[Anonymous]

i watched my mom care for several of her childless family members; her mom had 6 or 7 siblings that made it into adulthood, and mom took close care of her mom and two aunts, and distant care of one uncle. 1) It's the kind of labor that only can work if someone can afford to be home and unpaid. 2) It definitely gave me a skewed idea of what one "has" to do for family. It turns out I'm the primary wage earner despite being born female, so I cannot follow in her footsteps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think people should have to marry/have kids in order to ensure they will be cared for in old age.

But if you don’t marry/have kids, that should also leave you with a lot of freedom to save for old age AND set up your life for it so you don’t wind up in a situation where you need a high level of hands on care from a relative, or you can’t bare the thought of going to a full time care facility.

I think it’s very selfish to have no family of your own (which means never sacrificing or compromising for a spouse or kids), but also make no effort to secure yourself fir old age, and then to expect your siblings, nieces, and nephews to pick up the slack. You didn’t have to feed and clothe kids for 18+ years! Didn’t have to pay for college. Didn’t have to make compromises about your career or living situation for the good of the family. But now you want these people you never sacrificed for to take on your care? To sacrifice time with their own children for you?

It is beyond selfish. If you don’t have kids, you’ve go 50-some years to prepare for old age. Do it.

Yeah, but the reality is you still might need someone younger checking in and making sure things are going ok. I wouldn't expect my nieces and nephews to carry me to the toilet on a daily basis. But I do hope they visit me in the nursing home or at least call in and facetime with me and make the staff aware someone is there looking out for me. It helps prevent against elder abuse. I've got ten of them and if most of them manage to visit me once a year or so, and call me a few times a year, that can amount to a lot of oversight but not take up much of their time.

FWIW, I would have liked to have kids but never found the right partner. And I did do some things for my nieces and nephews - shower gifts and birthday and Christmas gifts and babysitting and playing with them on family vacations and holidays.

I sense a bit of a theme of bitterness towards childless people in your post. It seems some people who have raised kids like the idea of those of us who haven't sitting in wet diapers in our old age to punish us for not having kids. That's really messed up.

A lot depends on life circumstances. There are very few people with enough free time to attend their jobs, be there for their elderly parents, manage their own health and family emergencies, deal with life stressors AND be there for another relative. If you gave those gifts out of kindness lovely. If you feel shower gifts and birthday gifts were basically an investment in ensuring they would feel guilty and feel they owe you that is not what "gifts" are about. If your expectation when giving a gift is you expect some oversight of your eldercare you need to spell it out so they can decline. Babysitting is fun at least it is for me. Thinking that entertaining a giggly and fun baby entitles you to have someone deal with eldercare issues is something else. Hopefully you will age pleasantly and make it easy to visit. You cannot equate babysitting with visiting an elder who spews venom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think people should have to marry/have kids in order to ensure they will be cared for in old age.

But if you don’t marry/have kids, that should also leave you with a lot of freedom to save for old age AND set up your life for it so you don’t wind up in a situation where you need a high level of hands on care from a relative, or you can’t bare the thought of going to a full time care facility.

I think it’s very selfish to have no family of your own (which means never sacrificing or compromising for a spouse or kids), but also make no effort to secure yourself fir old age, and then to expect your siblings, nieces, and nephews to pick up the slack. You didn’t have to feed and clothe kids for 18+ years! Didn’t have to pay for college. Didn’t have to make compromises about your career or living situation for the good of the family. But now you want these people you never sacrificed for to take on your care? To sacrifice time with their own children for you?

It is beyond selfish. If you don’t have kids, you’ve go 50-some years to prepare for old age. Do it.

Yeah, but the reality is you still might need someone younger checking in and making sure things are going ok. I wouldn't expect my nieces and nephews to carry me to the toilet on a daily basis. But I do hope they visit me in the nursing home or at least call in and facetime with me and make the staff aware someone is there looking out for me. It helps prevent against elder abuse. I've got ten of them and if most of them manage to visit me once a year or so, and call me a few times a year, that can amount to a lot of oversight but not take up much of their time.

FWIW, I would have liked to have kids but never found the right partner. And I did do some things for my nieces and nephews - shower gifts and birthday and Christmas gifts and babysitting and playing with them on family vacations and holidays.

I sense a bit of a theme of bitterness towards childless people in your post. It seems some people who have raised kids like the idea of those of us who haven't sitting in wet diapers in our old age to punish us for not having kids. That's really messed up.

A lot depends on life circumstances. There are very few people with enough free time to attend their jobs, be there for their elderly parents, manage their own health and family emergencies, deal with life stressors AND be there for another relative. If you gave those gifts out of kindness lovely. If you feel shower gifts and birthday gifts were basically an investment in ensuring they would feel guilty and feel they owe you that is not what "gifts" are about. If your expectation when giving a gift is you expect some oversight of your eldercare you need to spell it out so they can decline. Babysitting is fun at least it is for me. Thinking that entertaining a giggly and fun baby entitles you to have someone deal with eldercare issues is something else. Hopefully you will age pleasantly and make it easy to visit. You cannot equate babysitting with visiting an elder who spews venom.

Posting again to say nobody is "punishing" you for not having kids. They are just saying your nieces and nephews have many things pulling at them and you should not feel entitled to elder care. Raising kids is very expensive. There is plenty of money saved that you can spend to hire people to do just about everything you want your relatives to do for free or should I say in exchange for wedding gifts. Connect with case managers/lawyers/elder care places and look into your options. Nobody is punishing you. Even those of us who raised kids cannot expect them to be there. Life happens. We do not raise kids to be our caregivers. It is a selfless act and we are very fortunate if they are healthy enough and have the time and desire to be there for us. They don't owe it as much as people want to think they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been thinking about this lately because a close friend is caring for their uncle (never married, no kids) who is in a really challenging situation in his 80s. The friend is in their 40s with kids, dual-income family, spouse has parents who also need care. But there is no one else to care for the uncle so friend is taking it on. The uncle has dementia and has had a series of serious medical issues. The uncle also lives in a very high cost of living area (his living costs are low but if they wanted to move him into a care facility, it would be incredibly expensive here he is) and will not even discuss moving. The whole thing is very stressful and sad and I honestly can't believe how much my friend and their spouse are going through to help this person who doesn't really even seem to appreciate their help on any level.

Been thinking about it in particular because I have a brother who is on a path to be in a similar situation to this uncle -- single and no kids, has not thought much about what old age will look like for him, has a tendency to take for granted that certain family members (right now, my mom) will help him financially and emotionally and take care of him to some degree.

I'm looking at my friend and imagining my own child spending their middle age years caring for my brother. The thought makes me sad and even a little angry. I'm not talking about visiting and caring about him generally, checking in on him periodically. My friend spends a significant amount of time doing things like moving their uncle in and out of rehab facilities (like physical rehab from injuries like a broken hip, not substance abuse), negotiating with the uncle's landlord on providing ADA compliance in his home (since he refuses to move), etc. This is on top of full time jobs, kids, ailing parents, etc. I think it is too much and deeply unfair to my friend, who seems to have just accepted that this is their life now, because the uncle won't move into a full time care facility and my friend could never just walk away from a family member like that.

Anyone else caring for elderly relatives other than parents? How did you wind up in that position? Are you resentful? What could that person have done to prevent putting you in this position?

My DH and I are working hard to make sure we don't burden our kid with OUR long term care, so the idea of my brother becoming a burden in that way is really frustrating. How do we prevent this?

Yeah, the part about not having kids no one talks about. And it's not just for times like this, it's the general loneliness of literally not having any family.
I often wonder what it's going to look like when millennials and Gen Z are elderly. Not just individually, as some will have kids, but as a society without any support base under them. There's just not going to be care at all .

[Anonymous]

I used to work as a social worker and I saw this a lot. It was really beautiful to watch how families stepped up.

OP you mention preparing so others don’t have to care for you. But some are neither financially so fortunate nor intellectually capable. I have an adult child with low IQ and I am working with him on setting him up financially for later years through his pension plan and savings. But he doesn’t get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eldercare is a tsunami that is starting to inundate the US and we have heard virtually nothing from our leaders about putting supports into place. It usually falls on the closest family members and traditionally women in particular. We will be seeing more and more demented elderly homeless roaming the streets, hoarded fire traps, and ERs overwhelmed with inaccompanied elderly people.

Maybe. Covid killed a lot of older people.

No, it killed older people in nursing homes, initially. But it killed a lot of people in the 35 to 60 range, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Been thinking about this lately because a close friend is caring for their uncle (never married, no kids) who is in a really challenging situation in his 80s. The friend is in their 40s with kids, dual-income family, spouse has parents who also need care. But there is no one else to care for the uncle so friend is taking it on. The uncle has dementia and has had a series of serious medical issues. The uncle also lives in a very high cost of living area (his living costs are low but if they wanted to move him into a care facility, it would be incredibly expensive here he is) and will not even discuss moving. The whole thing is very stressful and sad and I honestly can't believe how much my friend and their spouse are going through to help this person who doesn't really even seem to appreciate their help on any level.

Been thinking about it in particular because I have a brother who is on a path to be in a similar situation to this uncle -- single and no kids, has not thought much about what old age will look like for him, has a tendency to take for granted that certain family members (right now, my mom) will help him financially and emotionally and take care of him to some degree.

I'm looking at my friend and imagining my own child spending their middle age years caring for my brother. The thought makes me sad and even a little angry. I'm not talking about visiting and caring about him generally, checking in on him periodically. My friend spends a significant amount of time doing things like moving their uncle in and out of rehab facilities (like physical rehab from injuries like a broken hip, not substance abuse), negotiating with the uncle's landlord on providing ADA compliance in his home (since he refuses to move), etc. This is on top of full time jobs, kids, ailing parents, etc. I think it is too much and deeply unfair to my friend, who seems to have just accepted that this is their life now, because the uncle won't move into a full time care facility and my friend could never just walk away from a family member like that.

Anyone else caring for elderly relatives other than parents? How did you wind up in that position? Are you resentful? What could that person have done to prevent putting you in this position?

My DH and I are working hard to make sure we don't burden our kid with OUR long term care, so the idea of my brother becoming a burden in that way is really frustrating. How do we prevent this?

Yeah, the part about not having kids no one talks about. And it's not just for times like this, it's the general loneliness of literally not having any family.
I often wonder what it's going to look like when millennials and Gen Z are elderly. Not just individually, as some will have kids, but as a society without any support base under them. There's just not going to be care at all .

Teach your kids how to have boundaries and there is no reason your brother will become a burden. It's one thing to use family leave to be there for an elderly parent, spouse or child, but you don't go using family leave for relatives who don't plan for aging and put supports in place.

Millenials and Generation Zers who don't have kids will figure it out. You can hire services to manage just about everything and can go to continued care. Even people with kids do this. People like to wax poetic about those always there for elderly parents or who take them in. I have seen those situations up close in my family and among friends and it is not more desirable. Someone ends up full of resentment. Either the person with elder living there is burned out and resentful and they just ignore her as she naps and watches TV all day or the parent feels entitled to even more and is angry and resentful. Also we need to allow people the option to pass with dignity. One of my grandmas wanted that desperately. Instead my aunt forced her to endure painful treatment after treatment and then when she became depressed because all her friends were gone and she hated her illness it was Dr after Dr, drugs, shock therapy. Even when hospice was ready to step in the torture continued and my mother considers her sister a saint for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been thinking about this lately because a close friend is caring for their uncle (never married, no kids) who is in a really challenging situation in his 80s. The friend is in their 40s with kids, dual-income family, spouse has parents who also need care. But there is no one else to care for the uncle so friend is taking it on. The uncle has dementia and has had a series of serious medical issues. The uncle also lives in a very high cost of living area (his living costs are low but if they wanted to move him into a care facility, it would be incredibly expensive here he is) and will not even discuss moving. The whole thing is very stressful and sad and I honestly can't believe how much my friend and their spouse are going through to help this person who doesn't really even seem to appreciate their help on any level.

Been thinking about it in particular because I have a brother who is on a path to be in a similar situation to this uncle -- single and no kids, has not thought much about what old age will look like for him, has a tendency to take for granted that certain family members (right now, my mom) will help him financially and emotionally and take care of him to some degree.

I'm looking at my friend and imagining my own child spending their middle age years caring for my brother. The thought makes me sad and even a little angry. I'm not talking about visiting and caring about him generally, checking in on him periodically. My friend spends a significant amount of time doing things like moving their uncle in and out of rehab facilities (like physical rehab from injuries like a broken hip, not substance abuse), negotiating with the uncle's landlord on providing ADA compliance in his home (since he refuses to move), etc. This is on top of full time jobs, kids, ailing parents, etc. I think it is too much and deeply unfair to my friend, who seems to have just accepted that this is their life now, because the uncle won't move into a full time care facility and my friend could never just walk away from a family member like that.

Anyone else caring for elderly relatives other than parents? How did you wind up in that position? Are you resentful? What could that person have done to prevent putting you in this position?

My DH and I are working hard to make sure we don't burden our kid with OUR long term care, so the idea of my brother becoming a burden in that way is really frustrating. How do we prevent this?

I got thrown into this with a very difficult aunt. Wish I hadn't frankly. First I found out she had been saying horrible things about me to other family members, then she was very controlling and combative. I went to visit my mother who had a heart attack and stroke - they live near each other. I wouldn't use the word resentful. I would use the words rattled and strung out while there, and when I got home, the depression set in. Took me over six months to begin to feel like myself again. My aunt could have prepared better for her own future and not lied and alienated people.

[Anonymous]

This has me thinking about a friend of mine who has no siblings and is in a long-term partnership with a woman who has no siblings. They don't have kids and don't plan to. Not only will they not have any kids to help look after them in old age, they don't even have any nieces or nephews!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has me thinking about a friend of mine who has no siblings and is in a long-term partnership with a woman who has no siblings. They don't have kids and don't plan to. Not only will they not have any kids to help look after them in old age, they don't even have any nieces or nephews!

There is going to be an even bigger industry of people for hire to do everything. Don't kid yourself. Plenty of our own kids will use those services for us.It is one thing when an elder lives in terrible shape for a year or 2. You bust your buns and take leave from work and do yourself in for mom and/or dad, but you will warm and fuzzy knowing you could be there for them even if they were ornery. We all have a limit and after enough years and worsening behavior any rational person will need to throw on their own oxygen mask and contract it ALL out even if they can afford. You get an expert to assess their needs and manage the services and that person is trained to deal with difficult behavior. Plus, the difficult parents won't know what buttons to push to trigger these people. You can hire people to manage finances so your siblings don't go accusing you of funny business. You can hire people to help them downsize and move. Then you just show up to check on things and bring some sunshine and then get back to your job/kids/commitments/doctor's appointments/LIFE. As we age we cannot eat alive our own children. We either plan with continued care or give our blessing and save so they can hire a team and not spend what can amount to over a decade doing in the health and sanity. Oh and those of you who had the loving sweet elderly parents who aged gracefully without many needs....lucky you, but you may have no clue what is can turn into.