Taking care of elderly family members who are not your parents

[Anonymous]

Been thinking about this lately because a close friend is caring for their uncle (never married, no kids) who is in a really challenging situation in his 80s. The friend is in their 40s with kids, dual-income family, spouse has parents who also need care. But there is no one else to care for the uncle so friend is taking it on. The uncle has dementia and has had a series of serious medical issues. The uncle also lives in a very high cost of living area (his living costs are low but if they wanted to move him into a care facility, it would be incredibly expensive here he is) and will not even discuss moving. The whole thing is very stressful and sad and I honestly can't believe how much my friend and their spouse are going through to help this person who doesn't really even seem to appreciate their help on any level.

Been thinking about it in particular because I have a brother who is on a path to be in a similar situation to this uncle -- single and no kids, has not thought much about what old age will look like for him, has a tendency to take for granted that certain family members (right now, my mom) will help him financially and emotionally and take care of him to some degree.

I'm looking at my friend and imagining my own child spending their middle age years caring for my brother. The thought makes me sad and even a little angry. I'm not talking about visiting and caring about him generally, checking in on him periodically. My friend spends a significant amount of time doing things like moving their uncle in and out of rehab facilities (like physical rehab from injuries like a broken hip, not substance abuse), negotiating with the uncle's landlord on providing ADA compliance in his home (since he refuses to move), etc. This is on top of full time jobs, kids, ailing parents, etc. I think it is too much and deeply unfair to my friend, who seems to have just accepted that this is their life now, because the uncle won't move into a full time care facility and my friend could never just walk away from a family member like that.

Anyone else caring for elderly relatives other than parents? How did you wind up in that position? Are you resentful? What could that person have done to prevent putting you in this position?

My DH and I are working hard to make sure we don't burden our kid with OUR long term care, so the idea of my brother becoming a burden in that way is really frustrating. How do we prevent this?

[Anonymous]

I am a DINK and I am planning extensively so that no one has to have this burden.

[Anonymous]

My sibling doesn’t have kids or spouse and has always planned to off themself if in that kind of position. The lack of a comprehensive eldercare / healthcare system in this wealthy nation is awful.

[Anonymous]

Its sad that seniors have no real public network for old age.

[Anonymous]

I don’t have kids and this worries me a lot.

I’m hoping I die of something else before I get to the dementia stage. I do have money, so if I don’t have dementia I can hire people to help me with physical disabilities.

I’m borderline for needing statins and I’m like, why would I take those? If I could drop dead of a heart attack at 70 and not get dementia for twenty years I’ll take that.

[Anonymous]

I am in this situation right now. My sister is not yet 70 and has been diagnosed with extensive cancer. She was never married and has no children. My brother and I have been doing our best to help with a hospital stay/rehab/back to hospital and then to her home that will be very challenging. She also has 2 small old dogs (see the pet forum for my post there) that I currently have housed in my home. It’s overwhelming to manage doctors, facilities and upcoming chemo treatments. I don’t know what the answer is. Many think LTC is the answer, but I cannot hand her off. She is my sister.

[Anonymous]

Family is family. Your friend has made a choice to care for her uncle. Let's all pray we have someone like her in our life when time takes its toll on us. Simply because you have kids, money and a plan doesn't mean you will be treated and cared for well in your last years.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on the relationship between niece and uncle. I have two child free aunts. If either of them ended up in a place where they needed care, I would consider it my duty to help them just as much as I would for my parents. To a certain extent I feel the same about my childless godparents. BUT! All these people helped raise me — they sent me gifts, hosted me on wonderful vacations, wrote me letters, helped pay for my college education, provided emotional support when I reached out, etc. And they are all making plans that don’t assume my sisters and in will be their sole source of support. Of course those plans may not work out but they’re trying. So if I ended up in the position your friend is I wouldn’t be resentful although I wold probably be stressed and sad.

[Anonymous]

My spouse took care of an elderly aunt who never married or had kids. They were extremely close, however, and there was no hesitation in taking on her care despite the burden.

[Anonymous]

I think people should help as much as is possible/fair to their own circumstances and if more help is needed, tough luck. Enough with the guilt trips.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s wonderful your friend is doing this.

Weird and selfish how some people with kids don’t like seeing childless old people getting help from relatives.

[Anonymous]

I took on guardianship and conservatorship for my husband’s aunt after his uncle died. She had dementia, and while they had a son, he was disabled and in a residential facility himself. It was essentially dumped on me because i was a SAHM at the time. It was a very challenging experience- people often assumed she was my mom, but not only were we not biologically related- we had never been particularly close. Understanding her needs and preferences for care were difficult because of this. Luckily she had financial resources so we did not have financially support her, but it took a profound emotional toll on me to invest so much time and energy into caring for a person I didn’t really know.

[Anonymous]

I was everyone's caregiver until; I developed my own health issues. Turned out my own parents and my aunt head buckets and buckets of money that could be used for a case manager and hired care. They also could have afforded continued care from early on so they didn't do in those of us who cared.

I think the people who throw around "that is what you do for family" or "blood is thicker than water" are often some of the most selfish and entitled people who would gladly eat their young or their nieces and nephews.

The most selfless and kind kind elders I know were taken advantage themselves until they set boundaries and they planned much better for their own care. I now visit my other aunt more than I do my own mother or the aunt who took advantage because this aunt is loving and appreciative and didn't expect her children or nieces or nephews to do themselves in doing things she could have done themselves.

We will move the continued care. We will have a lawyer or accountant taking care of managing our finances when we cannot. I am also looking into my options for peaceful death by choice if I develop severe illness or dementia. In my family dementia turns into abusive and aggressive dementia where you target the person there for you the most. I will fly to another country if I have to make sure I don't abuse my own children and I can die with dignity and only give them pleasant memories.

[Anonymous]

I can't control whether I will become a huge burden or how long I will live. I worry about this and I also take care of an elderly family member who is not my parent and it is a huge amount of work. At the same time, I don't think people should have kids/get married just for the sake of having someone to take care of them. Another relative had the misfortune of outliving her 3 children and her spouse, so even being married and having children doesn't guarantee anything. We should all have a plan.

I do feel resentful sometimes but mostly because it is so isolating.

Right now my plan is:

- To be a loving and caring person to others as much as possible. I care about my family member because they cared about me.
- Maintain well executed AMDs, POAs, and a will as well as detailed records on all my assets, insurance, etc. so if something happens people can easily take over
- Long term care insurance or self insure so assets are not an issue
- Make a care plan for myself that details what I want to happen in certain situations that will make it easier on loved ones ("If I need help with activities of daily living, please don't care for me at home")
- Compensation: I don't want to leave the person who is stuck with me empty handed but not sure how that will work yet.
- Be forthright with my family about my finances/health situation. Give my valuables away during my lifetime. Involve loved ones in big decisions for my care once I reach a certain age (e.g., don't be stubborn and nonsensical).

It sounds like your brother is young, though? Maybe you're projecting a lot on him? TBH it's far more likely you will be taking are of him than your kids...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s wonderful your friend is doing this.

Weird and selfish how some people with kids don’t like seeing childless old people getting help from relatives.

Weird how people who have not spent the past decade being a caregiver to difficult elders do not understand what a massive burden it is and how selfish it is to expect children you didn't raise to do this. Hire people. Wait till you see how much is costs. People will take advantage of family with no remorse and when family finally has had enough they are absolutely stunned by how much that free labor costs when it isn't free.