Taking care of elderly family members who are not your parents

[Anonymous]

O posted already I think a lot of people don't understand many illnesses are on the rise among younger people. More and more people are having children with disabilities and illnesses as well. Thew working world is less stable and secure than it used to be. Yet. the elders are living longer in worse shape. It is unrealistic for parents, let alone non-parents to expect the younger generation to at the beckon call for potentially a 20 year period of decline.

There are people you can hire for all of this and living situations as well. You want to maintain a good enough relationship with your children that they will do what they can and check on you, but the amount of free care expected or even care and then maybe there is an inheritance is just not possible with the situations many people have. You have to think about whether you value your health MORE than the health of your own adult children.

My grandparents and great-grandparents were barely involved in the care of their parents. They either died swiftly or went to a nursing home. My parents left the burden for their siblings, but at least my grandparents went to assisted living willingly.

My parents are the charmed generation who benefited from the golden age of jobs and retirement plans and were busy traveling the world and made it clear grand-parenting is for bragging rights, but we must not interfere with their busy life of travel and leisure which was fine.

The problem is they and their friends were too special to plan for disability beyond saving money. They are too special for aides, too special for residential and too special for everything and throw tantrums to get us to be there and I was sucked in for far too long until my own life exploded with illness and stress. And all that leisure time traveling and enjoying the finest restaurants contributed to longevity so they live a loooong time in this state of utter entitlement. You finally convince them to accept help from other than you and they fire the person and fire the next.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think people should have to marry/have kids in order to ensure they will be cared for in old age.

But if you don’t marry/have kids, that should also leave you with a lot of freedom to save for old age AND set up your life for it so you don’t wind up in a situation where you need a high level of hands on care from a relative, or you can’t bare the thought of going to a full time care facility.

I think it’s very selfish to have no family of your own (which means never sacrificing or compromising for a spouse or kids), but also make no effort to secure yourself fir old age, and then to expect your siblings, nieces, and nephews to pick up the slack. You didn’t have to feed and clothe kids for 18+ years! Didn’t have to pay for college. Didn’t have to make compromises about your career or living situation for the good of the family. But now you want these people you never sacrificed for to take on your care? To sacrifice time with their own children for you?

It is beyond selfish. If you don’t have kids, you’ve go 50-some years to prepare for old age. Do it.

[Anonymous]

My advice is that OP focus on her own life and stop worrying about her friend’s life. Or if she really feels so bad for her friend, maybe stepping in and helping out the uncle a little bit herself?

[Anonymous]

This is very much a volunteer job. Just whatever you can and don't feel guilt for what you can't. They aren't your responsibility, you need to prioritize ones who are, including yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My advice is that OP focus on her own life and stop worrying about her friend’s life. Or if she really feels so bad for her friend, maybe stepping in and helping out the uncle a little bit herself?

OP here. My friend can handle herself. I admire how she’s dealing with this.

My post is more about how looking at her situation made me worried about what my brother might expect later in life. He currently depends heavily on our parents, especially my mom (he is late 40s, has lived with them off and on his entire life, has plenty of money but manages it poorly) and I could absolutely see him trying to lean on my kid for help, and having a similar personality to my friend’s uncle (demanding, rigid) that would make it even harder.

I know my friend’s situation is not my business. But it’s made me think about my own family and worry a bit about the future.

[Anonymous]

Is she being paid by his monthly social security, pension or other assets?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse took care of an elderly aunt who never married or had kids. They were extremely close, however, and there was no hesitation in taking on her care despite the burden.

Same for my mother and her bachelor Uncle. It wasn’t seen as a burden like it is on this board. It was seen as part of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My advice is that OP focus on her own life and stop worrying about her friend’s life. Or if she really feels so bad for her friend, maybe stepping in and helping out the uncle a little bit herself?

OP here. My friend can handle herself. I admire how she’s dealing with this.

My post is more about how looking at her situation made me worried about what my brother might expect later in life. He currently depends heavily on our parents, especially my mom (he is late 40s, has lived with them off and on his entire life, has plenty of money but manages it poorly) and I could absolutely see him trying to lean on my kid for help, and having a similar personality to my friend’s uncle (demanding, rigid) that would make it even harder.

I know my friend’s situation is not my business. But it’s made me think about my own family and worry a bit about the future.

Different poster. OP, definitely let your kids know your expectations and teach and model boundaries. You hope they will check in on you. You will do your best to set things up so a burden does not fall on them. You want them to make the families they create and their own health a priority. Your brother is not their responsibility. If they chose to help out, they need to feel comfortable having strong boundaries and they should not ever allow someone to guilt trip, yell or manipulate them into doing things they do not feel comfortable doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My advice is that OP focus on her own life and stop worrying about her friend’s life. Or if she really feels so bad for her friend, maybe stepping in and helping out the uncle a little bit herself?

OP here. My friend can handle herself. I admire how she’s dealing with this.

My post is more about how looking at her situation made me worried about what my brother might expect later in life. He currently depends heavily on our parents, especially my mom (he is late 40s, has lived with them off and on his entire life, has plenty of money but manages it poorly) and I could absolutely see him trying to lean on my kid for help, and having a similar personality to my friend’s uncle (demanding, rigid) that would make it even harder.

I know my friend’s situation is not my business. But it’s made me think about my own family and worry a bit about the future.

Your brother isn’t your business either. STOP judging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My advice is that OP focus on her own life and stop worrying about her friend’s life. Or if she really feels so bad for her friend, maybe stepping in and helping out the uncle a little bit herself?

OP here. My friend can handle herself. I admire how she’s dealing with this.

My post is more about how looking at her situation made me worried about what my brother might expect later in life. He currently depends heavily on our parents, especially my mom (he is late 40s, has lived with them off and on his entire life, has plenty of money but manages it poorly) and I could absolutely see him trying to lean on my kid for help, and having a similar personality to my friend’s uncle (demanding, rigid) that would make it even harder.

I know my friend’s situation is not my business. But it’s made me think about my own family and worry a bit about the future.

No one knows what the future holds. There is no use worrying about something that may never happen. It might ease your stress to do something (planning your own old age and adding your brother's hypothetical future needs in the mix or starting a small account to save money to contribute to his possible future care needs, etc) which would subvert the odds of your children being relied on in the future. I think you may be projecting your own fears onto your brother. In the case you're not, planning should soothe your worries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse took care of an elderly aunt who never married or had kids. They were extremely close, however, and there was no hesitation in taking on her care despite the burden.

Same for my mother and her bachelor Uncle. It wasn’t seen as a burden like it is on this board. It was seen as part of life.

It becomes a burden when the person is obnoxious, or life happens. Many people end up facing their own health issues or family challenges during that sandwich time. That is a part of life too and it is completely selfish to think someone should make a priority when they have a handful of other major life stressors pulling at them. People are fragile. I remember one poster on here years ago lamenting her sister had the nerve to die while being there for their parents and not the burden was hers.

Also you cannot compare caring for pleasant and appreciative people to caring for tyrants. It's like a parent with the easiest baby on the street giving advice and judging the moms who have babies with bad colic, medical issues, special needs and/or highly challenging temperaments. It reminds me of how moms of typically developing children will say to a mom of a child with multiple major needs endless intervention and doctor's appointments "God chooses special needs mothers. It's an honor."

I lucked out with a truly good, considerate and empathetic husband. I am fully aware some people have selfish or even abusive spouses and I don't judge them or tell them to suck it up because that's what your marriage vows are about. I keep my trap shut, I hope things improve for them and certainly don't judge or offer advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My advice is that OP focus on her own life and stop worrying about her friend’s life. Or if she really feels so bad for her friend, maybe stepping in and helping out the uncle a little bit herself?

OP here. My friend can handle herself. I admire how she’s dealing with this.

My post is more about how looking at her situation made me worried about what my brother might expect later in life. He currently depends heavily on our parents, especially my mom (he is late 40s, has lived with them off and on his entire life, has plenty of money but manages it poorly) and I could absolutely see him trying to lean on my kid for help, and having a similar personality to my friend’s uncle (demanding, rigid) that would make it even harder.

I know my friend’s situation is not my business. But it’s made me think about my own family and worry a bit about the future.

Your brother isn’t your business either. STOP judging.

Yes, my brother is my business. Your comment makes no sense.

The responses on here are like "yes of course you have an obligation to care for an aunt or uncle who has no one else, they are family" but also "how dare you pass judgment on your brother or question how his choices might have a negative impact on you or your child." Make it make sense.

If we have obligations to each other, as family, then my brother also has an obligation to his niece not to burden her with his care in old age. It can't just run one direction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My advice is that OP focus on her own life and stop worrying about her friend’s life. Or if she really feels so bad for her friend, maybe stepping in and helping out the uncle a little bit herself?

OP here. My friend can handle herself. I admire how she’s dealing with this.

My post is more about how looking at her situation made me worried about what my brother might expect later in life. He currently depends heavily on our parents, especially my mom (he is late 40s, has lived with them off and on his entire life, has plenty of money but manages it poorly) and I could absolutely see him trying to lean on my kid for help, and having a similar personality to my friend’s uncle (demanding, rigid) that would make it even harder.

I know my friend’s situation is not my business. But it’s made me think about my own family and worry a bit about the future.

Your brother isn’t your business either. STOP judging.

Yes, my brother is my business. Your comment makes no sense.

The responses on here are like "yes of course you have an obligation to care for an aunt or uncle who has no one else, they are family" but also "how dare you pass judgment on your brother or question how his choices might have a negative impact on you or your child." Make it make sense.

If we have obligations to each other, as family, then my brother also has an obligation to his niece not to burden her with his care in old age. It can't just run one direction.

Your daughter might suprise you and may one day actually want to help, if she is needed. I doubt she'll learn that selflessness from you, though.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you have a lot of resentment towards your brother. It’s probably been building for awhile. So much so that even thoughts about having to do more for him 20-30 years from now are stressing you out.

If I were you I’d focus on your own parents. They will most likely need help and they both have children (you, your brother, anyone else?) that are already at odds with each other. You have time now to improve the relationship with your parents and help ensure that their estate planning is in order.

You’re kind of skipping a generation if that makes sense.

Trust me, if you are already resentful of him you need to talk to your parents about your obligations to them in their old age. Because if they split their estate 50-50 between you and your brother despite having bank rolled him for years AND you end up having to take care of them and handling all the unpleasant aging tasks it’s going to compound your resentment.

[Anonymous]

Eldercare is a tsunami that is starting to inundate the US and we have heard virtually nothing from our leaders about putting supports into place. It usually falls on the closest family members and traditionally women in particular. We will be seeing more and more demented elderly homeless roaming the streets, hoarded fire traps, and ERs overwhelmed with inaccompanied elderly people.