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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Been thinking about this lately because a close friend is caring for their uncle (never married, no kids) who is in a really challenging situation in his 80s. The friend is in their 40s with kids, dual-income family, spouse has parents who also need care. But there is no one else to care for the uncle so friend is taking it on. The uncle has dementia and has had a series of serious medical issues. The uncle also lives in a very high cost of living area (his living costs are low but if they wanted to move him into a care facility, it would be incredibly expensive here he is) and will not even discuss moving. The whole thing is very stressful and sad and I honestly can't believe how much my friend and their spouse are going through to help this person who doesn't really even seem to appreciate their help on any level.

Been thinking about it in particular because I have a brother who is on a path to be in a similar situation to this uncle -- single and no kids, has not thought much about what old age will look like for him, has a tendency to take for granted that certain family members (right now, my mom) will help him financially and emotionally and take care of him to some degree.

I'm looking at my friend and imagining my own child spending their middle age years caring for my brother. The thought makes me sad and even a little angry. I'm not talking about visiting and caring about him generally, checking in on him periodically. My friend spends a significant amount of time doing things like moving their uncle in and out of rehab facilities (like physical rehab from injuries like a broken hip, not substance abuse), negotiating with the uncle's landlord on providing ADA compliance in his home (since he refuses to move), etc. This is on top of full time jobs, kids, ailing parents, etc. I think it is too much and deeply unfair to my friend, who seems to have just accepted that this is their life now, because the uncle won't move into a full time care facility and my friend could never just walk away from a family member like that.

Anyone else caring for elderly relatives other than parents? How did you wind up in that position? Are you resentful? What could that person have done to prevent putting you in this position?

My DH and I are working hard to make sure we don't burden our kid with OUR long term care, so the idea of my brother becoming a burden in that way is really frustrating. How do we prevent this?[/quote]
Yeah,  the part about not having kids no one talks about. And it's not just for  times like this, it's the general loneliness of literally not having any family. 
I often wonder what it's going to look like when millennials and Gen Z are elderly.  Not just individually,  as some will have kids, but as a society without any support base under them.  There's just not going to be care at all . [/quote]

Teach your kids how to have boundaries and there is no reason your brother will become a burden. It's one thing to use family leave to be there for an elderly parent, spouse or child, but you don't go using family leave for relatives who don't plan for aging and put supports in place.

Millenials and Generation Zers who don't have kids will figure it out. You can hire services to manage just about everything and can go to continued care. Even people with kids do this. People like to wax poetic about those always there for elderly parents or who take them in. I have seen those situations up close in my family and among friends and it is not more desirable. Someone ends up full of resentment. Either the person with elder living there is burned out and resentful and they just ignore her as she naps and watches TV all day or the parent feels entitled to even more and is angry and resentful. Also we need to allow people the option to pass with dignity. One of my grandmas wanted that desperately. Instead my aunt forced her to endure painful treatment after treatment and then when she became depressed because all her friends were gone and she hated her illness it was Dr after Dr, drugs, shock therapy. Even when hospice was ready to step in the torture continued and my mother considers her sister a saint for this.[/quote]

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