Reply to Dad needs a nightly phone call. Sometimes not doable...

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I could have written this.

I finally had to drop the rope. I felt SO guilty. I’d also get the guilt trip about “where were you” and it was hard not to feel bad. One day I just stopped. I didn’t answer the text. When I called the next day, I just explained that things got hectic and when they settled, I was too tired to talk. I didn’t this every other day for a while. It DID take time for it to become the “new normal”, but now it’s not even a thing. You kind of have to just rip off the bandage, realize you’re going to feel bad and they are going to nag, understand it’ll feel this way a while, and accept it. [/quote]

I posted before, but this is how it often goes. My experience and the experience of several of my friends is you want to please and you feel too much compassion and empathy so you give in. Then the neediness just keeps increasing and the guilt trips and the sadness. So you do more and then finally you cannot take anymore so you drop the rope or set some boundaries and they are so upset. It either turns into a massive pity party or rage and then it dawns on you....You were an enabler not a helper. Helping is calling to check on his on a schedule that works for you and giving him your time completely when you call. Enabling is calling daily and letting his feeling dictate everything. Enabling is fulfilling his every emotional need so he doesn't need to have or build a support network beyond family.

It really is like when you have a toddler in some ways. Your tot wants to be with you all.the.time and will cry and cry when you have the nerve to send them off the preschool or daycare. They will try to figure out what button to push they can win you and just you to meet their needs. There are bumps along the way, but when you keep your boundaries and insist your tot enter the social world with peers and make friends, the tot blossoms and you see all types of brain bursts. I found it to be very much like that with elderly parents. They tantrum and plead to have you be their life, but when you push them day programs or independent living or assisted living over time you see the mood lift. It's easier to be around them because you are not their whole world and you see brain connections you thought had faded. Your dad need needs friends and a social life. Maybe a support group with other widows would help.[/quote]

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