Are posters here really this spineless, or just bidding for attention on DCUM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There have been so many Family Relationships posts lately where the central problem could be solved within about 20 seconds if the OP (or his or her spouse) were to simply open his or her mouth and speak words. As in, “No, a visit on these dates will not work for us, but we’d be glad to host you on X or Y dates.” Or, “We cannot also host Sheila, but if she would like to visit the area, there is a Sheraton about five minutes away.” Or, “If you mention my daughter’s weight again, I will ask you to leave my home. I’m never discussing her weight with you.”

Are people really this spineless? Do they really prioritize their (seemingly awful) parents over themselves, their children, and their spouses? What gives, doormats of DCUM? Because I’m starting to think that there aren’t actually that many spineless ninnies in the world, who can’t string two sentences together to set basic boundaries. I’m starting to think you just post and exaggerate for attention on DCUM. And I don’t know which scenario is more pathetic.

If you tell me you can host me but not one of my family members, none of us will be in attendance. Hope you’re happy.

Oh honey. If the “Sheila” in question is a 5yo child, you have a leg to stand on. If it’s a 35yo grown adult child, then you are absolutely pathetic, and I am, indeed, happy if you never visit again. See how that works?

Our house is not a bed and breakfast, and space is limited. I am so glad my family and my ILs know this, and can help plan accordingly. When we host holidays, we are happy to have everyone over for meals, but space is what it is. When my sister and her husband and four kids visit, that’s it: no more room. My parents get that and happily stay at a nearby Microtel, and my brother is kind enough to drive 45 minutes to my house with his boyfriend. There is only so much room, and all the adults recognize this and make do. Same deal when we fly to see my sister: some of us can fit with her, and some of us get hotel rooms. It is how functional, reasonable families operate. Glad I could spell that out for you.

It’s not a space issue when you pick & choose which family members can come.

NP. Actually, yes. I pick and choose when I allow my alcoholic father to be around. Boundaries, sweetie. No overnights and nothing high-stakes like a holiday or a school event. Boundaries. And if I had some bitter SIL who couldn’t handle herself, I wouldn’t let her around my kids either. It’s fine for you to have no boundaries, but you don’t get to act like “yes we welcome and cater to dysfunction” is the only way that works for all families. Bye.

Have any of your family members told you yet that when you call them sweetie condescendingly it makes them want to smack you? There's a boundary for you.

Awww, a real boundary would be not engaging me, but here you are…SWEETIE. You opened yourself up to get Sweetied again! Work on your boundaries, sweetie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There have been so many Family Relationships posts lately where the central problem could be solved within about 20 seconds if the OP (or his or her spouse) were to simply open his or her mouth and speak words. As in, “No, a visit on these dates will not work for us, but we’d be glad to host you on X or Y dates.” Or, “We cannot also host Sheila, but if she would like to visit the area, there is a Sheraton about five minutes away.” Or, “If you mention my daughter’s weight again, I will ask you to leave my home. I’m never discussing her weight with you.”

Are people really this spineless? Do they really prioritize their (seemingly awful) parents over themselves, their children, and their spouses? What gives, doormats of DCUM? Because I’m starting to think that there aren’t actually that many spineless ninnies in the world, who can’t string two sentences together to set basic boundaries. I’m starting to think you just post and exaggerate for attention on DCUM. And I don’t know which scenario is more pathetic.

If you tell me you can host me but not one of my family members, none of us will be in attendance. Hope you’re happy.

Oh honey. If the “Sheila” in question is a 5yo child, you have a leg to stand on. If it’s a 35yo grown adult child, then you are absolutely pathetic, and I am, indeed, happy if you never visit again. See how that works?

Our house is not a bed and breakfast, and space is limited. I am so glad my family and my ILs know this, and can help plan accordingly. When we host holidays, we are happy to have everyone over for meals, but space is what it is. When my sister and her husband and four kids visit, that’s it: no more room. My parents get that and happily stay at a nearby Microtel, and my brother is kind enough to drive 45 minutes to my house with his boyfriend. There is only so much room, and all the adults recognize this and make do. Same deal when we fly to see my sister: some of us can fit with her, and some of us get hotel rooms. It is how functional, reasonable families operate. Glad I could spell that out for you.

It’s not a space issue when you pick & choose which family members can come.

NP. Actually, yes. I pick and choose when I allow my alcoholic father to be around. Boundaries, sweetie. No overnights and nothing high-stakes like a holiday or a school event. Boundaries. And if I had some bitter SIL who couldn’t handle herself, I wouldn’t let her around my kids either. It’s fine for you to have no boundaries, but you don’t get to act like “yes we welcome and cater to dysfunction” is the only way that works for all families. Bye.

Have any of your family members told you yet that when you call them sweetie condescendingly it makes them want to smack you? There's a boundary for you.

Awww, a real boundary would be not engaging me, but here you are…SWEETIE. You opened yourself up to get Sweetied again! Work on your boundaries, sweetie.

Or maybe a real boundary would be you taking a hint. Instead you continue to attack. You are rude and condescending to strangers and from your post your family is fair game too. You can call yourself functional and reasonable but evidence is contrary to that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ex. I told my mother that it was making people uncomfortable that she was cursing and grumbling about the fact that my guest (long story why mother was also there- not her home, not my home!) put recycling on top of the empty egg cartons which were apparently not for recycling and she didn’t speak to me for months!

OK, an unreasonable, cursing crazy lady didn’t speak to you for months. Win!

Not the poster you are responding to, but have posted before. The person gave a great example of the dysfunction many of us faced. You walk on eggshells for years or decades and in some families you have to be ready for them to shun you if you set that boundary. I was not emotionally ready to go there for a long time. I had to go along to get along. I am the one who had enough stress it was the much better option, but I had to be ready to be the black sheep/scapegoat. It was tough, but now with enough distance I see it had to happen and how crazy it all has been. I also see that anyone who joins them in thinking I am the villain is just as nutty, but I am at peace with it. People can think whatever they want and say whatever they want. I am finally free of worrying about that because I am literally trying to just survive one stressor after another. Even if I had kept people pleasing I would still not have support from them with my own life stressors. They just aren't capable of emotional strength and support. So sadly, if anything I have just lost emotional drains. I wish them well. We are still in touch, but not much and we stick to safe topics. Much more peaceful than the constant dramas.

Some books I have found really helpful are Adult Children of Emotionally immature Adults and Drama Free (something about setting boundaries in families).

[Anonymous]

OP of the backing out of grandparent visit thread with an example of what happens when you set a boundary:

We said no to the grandprent visit citing our enjoyment of San Francisco. DH sister who lives in SF and has turned down all offers to meet up while we visit saying she’s too busy, called DH last night at midnight, over and over again until he picked up thinking something was seriously wrong.

Well SIL was very upset asking DH what his problem is, asking over and over again what happened during the earlier visit, scolding him for being so selfish to not visit them again when that the whole point of visiting all the way from DC is to see their parents (what?? no, that is something she invented) and it is so selfish of him to stay in an airbnb in san francisco. And that any mean or vicious thing that the MIL/FIL said or did, we need to let it go because they are old and old fashioned and probably didnt mean it and we need to treasure every moment with them because they are old and may not have many years left (they are mid sixties in excellent health, physically at least)

Note that at no time did DH sister offer to meet up with us during her tirade about the imprtance of family togetherness time, lol.

Anyway the next day, MIL called up and left a voicemail offering to come visit us in the city…she was clear she is not making a special tripC it happens that she’s coming in anyway for her monthly beauty treatment/spa visit and she might have about 20 min to spare before she has to beat traffic back to Tracy, so she can say goodbye to her grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There have been so many Family Relationships posts lately where the central problem could be solved within about 20 seconds if the OP (or his or her spouse) were to simply open his or her mouth and speak words. As in, “No, a visit on these dates will not work for us, but we’d be glad to host you on X or Y dates.” Or, “We cannot also host Sheila, but if she would like to visit the area, there is a Sheraton about five minutes away.” Or, “If you mention my daughter’s weight again, I will ask you to leave my home. I’m never discussing her weight with you.”

Are people really this spineless? Do they really prioritize their (seemingly awful) parents over themselves, their children, and their spouses? What gives, doormats of DCUM? Because I’m starting to think that there aren’t actually that many spineless ninnies in the world, who can’t string two sentences together to set basic boundaries. I’m starting to think you just post and exaggerate for attention on DCUM. And I don’t know which scenario is more pathetic.

If you tell me you can host me but not one of my family members, none of us will be in attendance. Hope you’re happy.

Oh honey. If the “Sheila” in question is a 5yo child, you have a leg to stand on. If it’s a 35yo grown adult child, then you are absolutely pathetic, and I am, indeed, happy if you never visit again. See how that works?

Our house is not a bed and breakfast, and space is limited. I am so glad my family and my ILs know this, and can help plan accordingly. When we host holidays, we are happy to have everyone over for meals, but space is what it is. When my sister and her husband and four kids visit, that’s it: no more room. My parents get that and happily stay at a nearby Microtel, and my brother is kind enough to drive 45 minutes to my house with his boyfriend. There is only so much room, and all the adults recognize this and make do. Same deal when we fly to see my sister: some of us can fit with her, and some of us get hotel rooms. It is how functional, reasonable families operate. Glad I could spell that out for you.

It’s not a space issue when you pick & choose which family members can come.

NP. Actually, yes. I pick and choose when I allow my alcoholic father to be around. Boundaries, sweetie. No overnights and nothing high-stakes like a holiday or a school event. Boundaries. And if I had some bitter SIL who couldn’t handle herself, I wouldn’t let her around my kids either. It’s fine for you to have no boundaries, but you don’t get to act like “yes we welcome and cater to dysfunction” is the only way that works for all families. Bye.

Have any of your family members told you yet that when you call them sweetie condescendingly it makes them want to smack you? There's a boundary for you.

Awww, a real boundary would be not engaging me, but here you are…SWEETIE. You opened yourself up to get Sweetied again! Work on your boundaries, sweetie.

Or maybe a real boundary would be you taking a hint. Instead you continue to attack. You are rude and condescending to strangers and from your post your family is fair game too. You can call yourself functional and reasonable but evidence is contrary to that.

DP. She is a narc, all she knows is insulting others to prop her non-existent self-esteem.

[Anonymous]

I think to say someone is Spineless is rude AF. Some of us want to keep relationships in tact without offending family. I understand what OP is trying to say, but sometimes it’s not as simple as black and white. As a reformed people pleaser who had to learn boundaries, it took time for me to flat out say No. it’s easier now, but everyone isn’t built like that. Im an empath and a work in progress but definitely not spineless.

[Anonymous]

Oohhh. This thread is spicey!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There have been so many Family Relationships posts lately where the central problem could be solved within about 20 seconds if the OP (or his or her spouse) were to simply open his or her mouth and speak words. As in, “No, a visit on these dates will not work for us, but we’d be glad to host you on X or Y dates.” Or, “We cannot also host Sheila, but if she would like to visit the area, there is a Sheraton about five minutes away.” Or, “If you mention my daughter’s weight again, I will ask you to leave my home. I’m never discussing her weight with you.”

Are people really this spineless? Do they really prioritize their (seemingly awful) parents over themselves, their children, and their spouses? What gives, doormats of DCUM? Because I’m starting to think that there aren’t actually that many spineless ninnies in the world, who can’t string two sentences together to set basic boundaries. I’m starting to think you just post and exaggerate for attention on DCUM. And I don’t know which scenario is more pathetic.

I assume you suk. You seem to give dark and negative energy. Stay away. Hypocrite

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound pathetic and a HYPOCRITE!
I assume you suk. You seem to give dark and negative energy. Stay away. Hypocrite

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There have been so many Family Relationships posts lately where the central problem could be solved within about 20 seconds if the OP (or his or her spouse) were to simply open his or her mouth and speak words. As in, “No, a visit on these dates will not work for us, but we’d be glad to host you on X or Y dates.” Or, “We cannot also host Sheila, but if she would like to visit the area, there is a Sheraton about five minutes away.” Or, “If you mention my daughter’s weight again, I will ask you to leave my home. I’m never discussing her weight with you.”

Are people really this spineless? Do they really prioritize their (seemingly awful) parents over themselves, their children, and their spouses? What gives, doormats of DCUM? Because I’m starting to think that there aren’t actually that many spineless ninnies in the world, who can’t string two sentences together to set basic boundaries. I’m starting to think you just post and exaggerate for attention on DCUM. And I don’t know which scenario is more pathetic.

Unfortunately in such families, usually the people pleasers are raised from birth to take on that role. They don’t know any better until they grow up and can observe or learn about other family dynamics for themselves. Even then, it’s a struggle to break the mold. When you set a boundary, it upsets people because it upsets the natural order that’s been in their family, possibly for generations.

I wonder if the kids were always punished, maybe even physically hit, for talking back to the parents or never offered a choice in anything.

[Anonymous]

OP must be the relative we post here about! You know, the one that demands, pushes, is inflexible, and has NPD!

[Anonymous]

OP of wanting to be petty to SIL. I really just came to complain because my DH and I don’t have the bandwidth for boundaries right now as he only retires from the military once. I type this after doing a massive Costco shopping and making dinner that’s in the oven. One of the five dinners I have planned to make this week. But, I did plug in a clock radio next to the bed my MIL set-up in my office for my SIL because I wanted to be one notch below worst person ever. I did this as my youngest bellowed into the karaoke machine the SIL got child for Christmas - because gifts that annoy parents are her game. The fart scented candle ruined one Christmas as we thought a cat had defecated under the tree…
Family is hard. Really hard. And commiserating in an anonymous forum helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP of the backing out of grandparent visit thread with an example of what happens when you set a boundary:

We said no to the grandprent visit citing our enjoyment of San Francisco. DH sister who lives in SF and has turned down all offers to meet up while we visit saying she’s too busy, called DH last night at midnight, over and over again until he picked up thinking something was seriously wrong.

Well SIL was very upset asking DH what his problem is, asking over and over again what happened during the earlier visit, scolding him for being so selfish to not visit them again when that the whole point of visiting all the way from DC is to see their parents (what?? no, that is something she invented) and it is so selfish of him to stay in an airbnb in san francisco. And that any mean or vicious thing that the MIL/FIL said or did, we need to let it go because they are old and old fashioned and probably didnt mean it and we need to treasure every moment with them because they are old and may not have many years left (they are mid sixties in excellent health, physically at least)

Note that at no time did DH sister offer to meet up with us during her tirade about the imprtance of family togetherness time, lol.

Anyway the next day, MIL called up and left a voicemail offering to come visit us in the city…she was clear she is not making a special tripC it happens that she’s coming in anyway for her monthly beauty treatment/spa visit and she might have about 20 min to spare before she has to beat traffic back to Tracy, so she can say goodbye to her grandkids.

What kind of spineless nit stays on the phone at midnight after quickly establishing that no one was in the hospital, or had died? Um, if one of my siblings or siblings-in-law, or their spouses, called me at midnight to discuss anything other than someone in the hospital or dead, that would be a CLICK.

Practice it with me: CLICK.

Yip yip yap, too long, yammer yammer when your husband should have hung up on her. It is that simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP of wanting to be petty to SIL. I really just came to complain because my DH and I don’t have the bandwidth for boundaries right now as he only retires from the military once. I type this after doing a massive Costco shopping and making dinner that’s in the oven. One of the five dinners I have planned to make this week. But, I did plug in a clock radio next to the bed my MIL set-up in my office for my SIL because I wanted to be one notch below worst person ever. I did this as my youngest bellowed into the karaoke machine the SIL got child for Christmas - because gifts that annoy parents are her game. The fart scented candle ruined one Christmas as we thought a cat had defecated under the tree…
Family is hard. Really hard. And commiserating in an anonymous forum helps.

Blah blah blah enjoy the crazy you signed up for.

[Anonymous]

I crossed the Atlantic at 21 and never looked back. My mother is a hyperanxious control freak. I had to cut her off for 6 months just to get her to act normal, and not call my husband a jerk loser and my toddler daughter fat.

Now we're good. She's older, she sees how successful we are at life and parenting, and it's making her think twice about challenging us now. And every time she tries to push me, I now have the stature (in her eyes) that a humorous response or a blunt "cut that out" will make her stop. It did not use to before: she'd have a complete meltdown and cry to my father and pretend to be a victim, and then he'd rush to her defense. Not anymore. She knows she won't win, and my father finally understands he doesn't need to be her side kick. They finally see me as my own person. In my 20s and part of my 30s, I was just an extension of themselves and nothing I said or did had any effect on their conviction that my life needed to be micromanaged by them.

Like others have said, it starts with dysfunction. Even perfectly intelligent, patient and reasonable individuals have a hard time extirpating themselves from Scylla and Charybdis when their parents are like this.