Are posters here really this spineless, or just bidding for attention on DCUM?

[Anonymous]

There have been so many Family Relationships posts lately where the central problem could be solved within about 20 seconds if the OP (or his or her spouse) were to simply open his or her mouth and speak words. As in, “No, a visit on these dates will not work for us, but we’d be glad to host you on X or Y dates.” Or, “We cannot also host Sheila, but if she would like to visit the area, there is a Sheraton about five minutes away.” Or, “If you mention my daughter’s weight again, I will ask you to leave my home. I’m never discussing her weight with you.”

Are people really this spineless? Do they really prioritize their (seemingly awful) parents over themselves, their children, and their spouses? What gives, doormats of DCUM? Because I’m starting to think that there aren’t actually that many spineless ninnies in the world, who can’t string two sentences together to set basic boundaries. I’m starting to think you just post and exaggerate for attention on DCUM. And I don’t know which scenario is more pathetic.

[Anonymous]

You're so right OP. All other posters are either spineless or bidding for attention. You are better than all of them and should look down on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There have been so many Family Relationships posts lately where the central problem could be solved within about 20 seconds if the OP (or his or her spouse) were to simply open his or her mouth and speak words. As in, “No, a visit on these dates will not work for us, but we’d be glad to host you on X or Y dates.” Or, “We cannot also host Sheila, but if she would like to visit the area, there is a Sheraton about five minutes away.” Or, “If you mention my daughter’s weight again, I will ask you to leave my home. I’m never discussing her weight with you.”

Are people really this spineless? Do they really prioritize their (seemingly awful) parents over themselves, their children, and their spouses? What gives, doormats of DCUM? Because I’m starting to think that there aren’t actually that many spineless ninnies in the world, who can’t string two sentences together to set basic boundaries. I’m starting to think you just post and exaggerate for attention on DCUM. And I don’t know which scenario is more pathetic.

All I see is posters who somehow think it’s accepting to invite their MIL but exclude their SIL (it isn’t!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There have been so many Family Relationships posts lately where the central problem could be solved within about 20 seconds if the OP (or his or her spouse) were to simply open his or her mouth and speak words. As in, “No, a visit on these dates will not work for us, but we’d be glad to host you on X or Y dates.” Or, “We cannot also host Sheila, but if she would like to visit the area, there is a Sheraton about five minutes away.” Or, “If you mention my daughter’s weight again, I will ask you to leave my home. I’m never discussing her weight with you.”

Are people really this spineless? Do they really prioritize their (seemingly awful) parents over themselves, their children, and their spouses? What gives, doormats of DCUM? Because I’m starting to think that there aren’t actually that many spineless ninnies in the world, who can’t string two sentences together to set basic boundaries. I’m starting to think you just post and exaggerate for attention on DCUM. And I don’t know which scenario is more pathetic.

If you tell me you can host me but not one of my family members, none of us will be in attendance. Hope you’re happy.

[Anonymous]

In many cases the “offending” request is not a standalone thing, but a part of a big interconnected system that’s hard to unwind. You may not want to host Sheila, but you do remember (and will be reminded) that it was Sheila’s great grandparents who saved your grandmother’s life. Things like that.

My in laws live overseas and every year when they visit for a month I am secretly counting the days and hours until they leave. But, if we were to arrange for them some accommodations that are not our house, I might as well give them a toilet brush and tell to clean our toilets each morning- they will be less offended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There have been so many Family Relationships posts lately where the central problem could be solved within about 20 seconds if the OP (or his or her spouse) were to simply open his or her mouth and speak words. As in, “No, a visit on these dates will not work for us, but we’d be glad to host you on X or Y dates.” Or, “We cannot also host Sheila, but if she would like to visit the area, there is a Sheraton about five minutes away.” Or, “If you mention my daughter’s weight again, I will ask you to leave my home. I’m never discussing her weight with you.”

Are people really this spineless? Do they really prioritize their (seemingly awful) parents over themselves, their children, and their spouses? What gives, doormats of DCUM? Because I’m starting to think that there aren’t actually that many spineless ninnies in the world, who can’t string two sentences together to set basic boundaries. I’m starting to think you just post and exaggerate for attention on DCUM. And I don’t know which scenario is more pathetic.

All I see is posters who somehow think it’s accepting to invite their MIL but exclude their SIL (it isn’t!).

Oh, see, some of us think of grown adults as individuals. Guess what? Sometimes I go on a trip with friends and we don’t also include our spouses, because it is a girls’ trip, and we are all individual people in our own right! This is especially true for healthy, non-co-dependent adults with our own lives, jobs, friends, interests and identities. I can see how you might struggle with that if your family has a bunch of failed-to-launch clingers who still live with Mommy and Daddy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There have been so many Family Relationships posts lately where the central problem could be solved within about 20 seconds if the OP (or his or her spouse) were to simply open his or her mouth and speak words. As in, “No, a visit on these dates will not work for us, but we’d be glad to host you on X or Y dates.” Or, “We cannot also host Sheila, but if she would like to visit the area, there is a Sheraton about five minutes away.” Or, “If you mention my daughter’s weight again, I will ask you to leave my home. I’m never discussing her weight with you.”

Are people really this spineless? Do they really prioritize their (seemingly awful) parents over themselves, their children, and their spouses? What gives, doormats of DCUM? Because I’m starting to think that there aren’t actually that many spineless ninnies in the world, who can’t string two sentences together to set basic boundaries. I’m starting to think you just post and exaggerate for attention on DCUM. And I don’t know which scenario is more pathetic.

Your idea of “basic boundaries” is actually being extremely rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There have been so many Family Relationships posts lately where the central problem could be solved within about 20 seconds if the OP (or his or her spouse) were to simply open his or her mouth and speak words. As in, “No, a visit on these dates will not work for us, but we’d be glad to host you on X or Y dates.” Or, “We cannot also host Sheila, but if she would like to visit the area, there is a Sheraton about five minutes away.” Or, “If you mention my daughter’s weight again, I will ask you to leave my home. I’m never discussing her weight with you.”

Are people really this spineless? Do they really prioritize their (seemingly awful) parents over themselves, their children, and their spouses? What gives, doormats of DCUM? Because I’m starting to think that there aren’t actually that many spineless ninnies in the world, who can’t string two sentences together to set basic boundaries. I’m starting to think you just post and exaggerate for attention on DCUM. And I don’t know which scenario is more pathetic.

All I see is posters who somehow think it’s accepting to invite their MIL but exclude their SIL (it isn’t!).

Oh, see, some of us think of grown adults as individuals. Guess what? Sometimes I go on a trip with friends and we don’t also include our spouses, because it is a girls’ trip, and we are all individual people in our own right! This is especially true for healthy, non-co-dependent adults with our own lives, jobs, friends, interests and identities. I can see how you might struggle with that if your family has a bunch of failed-to-launch clingers who still live with Mommy and Daddy.

Family is a package deal.

[Anonymous]

I can’t decide how to reply to this thread

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There have been so many Family Relationships posts lately where the central problem could be solved within about 20 seconds if the OP (or his or her spouse) were to simply open his or her mouth and speak words. As in, “No, a visit on these dates will not work for us, but we’d be glad to host you on X or Y dates.” Or, “We cannot also host Sheila, but if she would like to visit the area, there is a Sheraton about five minutes away.” Or, “If you mention my daughter’s weight again, I will ask you to leave my home. I’m never discussing her weight with you.”

Are people really this spineless? Do they really prioritize their (seemingly awful) parents over themselves, their children, and their spouses? What gives, doormats of DCUM? Because I’m starting to think that there aren’t actually that many spineless ninnies in the world, who can’t string two sentences together to set basic boundaries. I’m starting to think you just post and exaggerate for attention on DCUM. And I don’t know which scenario is more pathetic.

All I see is posters who somehow think it’s accepting to invite their MIL but exclude their SIL (it isn’t!).

Oh, see, some of us think of grown adults as individuals. Guess what? Sometimes I go on a trip with friends and we don’t also include our spouses, because it is a girls’ trip, and we are all individual people in our own right! This is especially true for healthy, non-co-dependent adults with our own lives, jobs, friends, interests and identities. I can see how you might struggle with that if your family has a bunch of failed-to-launch clingers who still live with Mommy and Daddy.

Family is a package deal.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There have been so many Family Relationships posts lately where the central problem could be solved within about 20 seconds if the OP (or his or her spouse) were to simply open his or her mouth and speak words. As in, “No, a visit on these dates will not work for us, but we’d be glad to host you on X or Y dates.” Or, “We cannot also host Sheila, but if she would like to visit the area, there is a Sheraton about five minutes away.” Or, “If you mention my daughter’s weight again, I will ask you to leave my home. I’m never discussing her weight with you.”

Are people really this spineless? Do they really prioritize their (seemingly awful) parents over themselves, their children, and their spouses? What gives, doormats of DCUM? Because I’m starting to think that there aren’t actually that many spineless ninnies in the world, who can’t string two sentences together to set basic boundaries. I’m starting to think you just post and exaggerate for attention on DCUM. And I don’t know which scenario is more pathetic.

If I had to guess, 90% of these issues stem from spouses not being on the same page and/or not being able to communicate freely (range is wide and goes from simple ignorance to straight abuse).

[Anonymous]

+100 to OP. The co-dependence and enmeshment has been off the charts around here lately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There have been so many Family Relationships posts lately where the central problem could be solved within about 20 seconds if the OP (or his or her spouse) were to simply open his or her mouth and speak words. As in, “No, a visit on these dates will not work for us, but we’d be glad to host you on X or Y dates.” Or, “We cannot also host Sheila, but if she would like to visit the area, there is a Sheraton about five minutes away.” Or, “If you mention my daughter’s weight again, I will ask you to leave my home. I’m never discussing her weight with you.”

Are people really this spineless? Do they really prioritize their (seemingly awful) parents over themselves, their children, and their spouses? What gives, doormats of DCUM? Because I’m starting to think that there aren’t actually that many spineless ninnies in the world, who can’t string two sentences together to set basic boundaries. I’m starting to think you just post and exaggerate for attention on DCUM. And I don’t know which scenario is more pathetic.

If you tell me you can host me but not one of my family members, none of us will be in attendance. Hope you’re happy.

Oh honey. If the “Sheila” in question is a 5yo child, you have a leg to stand on. If it’s a 35yo grown adult child, then you are absolutely pathetic, and I am, indeed, happy if you never visit again. See how that works?

Our house is not a bed and breakfast, and space is limited. I am so glad my family and my ILs know this, and can help plan accordingly. When we host holidays, we are happy to have everyone over for meals, but space is what it is. When my sister and her husband and four kids visit, that’s it: no more room. My parents get that and happily stay at a nearby Microtel, and my brother is kind enough to drive 45 minutes to my house with his boyfriend. There is only so much room, and all the adults recognize this and make do. Same deal when we fly to see my sister: some of us can fit with her, and some of us get hotel rooms. It is how functional, reasonable families operate. Glad I could spell that out for you.

[Anonymous]

The issue is family dysfunction. In health families you can have boundaries and communicate without setting off an explosion. In dysfunctional families you have to try 42 approaches just to say "No Karen, that doesn't work for me!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There have been so many Family Relationships posts lately where the central problem could be solved within about 20 seconds if the OP (or his or her spouse) were to simply open his or her mouth and speak words. As in, “No, a visit on these dates will not work for us, but we’d be glad to host you on X or Y dates.” Or, “We cannot also host Sheila, but if she would like to visit the area, there is a Sheraton about five minutes away.” Or, “If you mention my daughter’s weight again, I will ask you to leave my home. I’m never discussing her weight with you.”

Are people really this spineless? Do they really prioritize their (seemingly awful) parents over themselves, their children, and their spouses? What gives, doormats of DCUM? Because I’m starting to think that there aren’t actually that many spineless ninnies in the world, who can’t string two sentences together to set basic boundaries. I’m starting to think you just post and exaggerate for attention on DCUM. And I don’t know which scenario is more pathetic.

If you tell me you can host me but not one of my family members, none of us will be in attendance. Hope you’re happy.

Oh honey. If the “Sheila” in question is a 5yo child, you have a leg to stand on. If it’s a 35yo grown adult child, then you are absolutely pathetic, and I am, indeed, happy if you never visit again. See how that works?

Our house is not a bed and breakfast, and space is limited. I am so glad my family and my ILs know this, and can help plan accordingly. When we host holidays, we are happy to have everyone over for meals, but space is what it is. When my sister and her husband and four kids visit, that’s it: no more room. My parents get that and happily stay at a nearby Microtel, and my brother is kind enough to drive 45 minutes to my house with his boyfriend. There is only so much room, and all the adults recognize this and make do. Same deal when we fly to see my sister: some of us can fit with her, and some of us get hotel rooms. It is how functional, reasonable families operate. Glad I could spell that out for you.

It’s not a space issue when you pick & choose which family members can come.