Are posters here really this spineless, or just bidding for attention on DCUM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The issue is family dysfunction. In health families you can have boundaries and communicate without setting off an explosion. In dysfunctional families you have to try 42 approaches just to say "No Karen, that doesn't work for me!"

Ding ding ding, we have a winner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There have been so many Family Relationships posts lately where the central problem could be solved within about 20 seconds if the OP (or his or her spouse) were to simply open his or her mouth and speak words. As in, “No, a visit on these dates will not work for us, but we’d be glad to host you on X or Y dates.” Or, “We cannot also host Sheila, but if she would like to visit the area, there is a Sheraton about five minutes away.” Or, “If you mention my daughter’s weight again, I will ask you to leave my home. I’m never discussing her weight with you.”

Are people really this spineless? Do they really prioritize their (seemingly awful) parents over themselves, their children, and their spouses? What gives, doormats of DCUM? Because I’m starting to think that there aren’t actually that many spineless ninnies in the world, who can’t string two sentences together to set basic boundaries. I’m starting to think you just post and exaggerate for attention on DCUM. And I don’t know which scenario is more pathetic.

If you tell me you can host me but not one of my family members, none of us will be in attendance. Hope you’re happy.

Oh honey. If the “Sheila” in question is a 5yo child, you have a leg to stand on. If it’s a 35yo grown adult child, then you are absolutely pathetic, and I am, indeed, happy if you never visit again. See how that works?

Our house is not a bed and breakfast, and space is limited. I am so glad my family and my ILs know this, and can help plan accordingly. When we host holidays, we are happy to have everyone over for meals, but space is what it is. When my sister and her husband and four kids visit, that’s it: no more room. My parents get that and happily stay at a nearby Microtel, and my brother is kind enough to drive 45 minutes to my house with his boyfriend. There is only so much room, and all the adults recognize this and make do. Same deal when we fly to see my sister: some of us can fit with her, and some of us get hotel rooms. It is how functional, reasonable families operate. Glad I could spell that out for you.

It’s not a space issue when you pick & choose which family members can come.

NP. Actually, yes. I pick and choose when I allow my alcoholic father to be around. Boundaries, sweetie. No overnights and nothing high-stakes like a holiday or a school event. Boundaries. And if I had some bitter SIL who couldn’t handle herself, I wouldn’t let her around my kids either. It’s fine for you to have no boundaries, but you don’t get to act like “yes we welcome and cater to dysfunction” is the only way that works for all families. Bye.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There have been so many Family Relationships posts lately where the central problem could be solved within about 20 seconds if the OP (or his or her spouse) were to simply open his or her mouth and speak words. As in, “No, a visit on these dates will not work for us, but we’d be glad to host you on X or Y dates.” Or, “We cannot also host Sheila, but if she would like to visit the area, there is a Sheraton about five minutes away.” Or, “If you mention my daughter’s weight again, I will ask you to leave my home. I’m never discussing her weight with you.”

Are people really this spineless? Do they really prioritize their (seemingly awful) parents over themselves, their children, and their spouses? What gives, doormats of DCUM? Because I’m starting to think that there aren’t actually that many spineless ninnies in the world, who can’t string two sentences together to set basic boundaries. I’m starting to think you just post and exaggerate for attention on DCUM. And I don’t know which scenario is more pathetic.

Your idea of “basic boundaries” is actually being extremely rude.

And this right here is why people obsess so much about setting boundaries. Dysfunctional people find them rude and start dramas and aint nobody got time for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The issue is family dysfunction. In health families you can have boundaries and communicate without setting off an explosion. In dysfunctional families you have to try 42 approaches just to say "No Karen, that doesn't work for me!"

Ding ding ding, we have a winner

Yep. I used to post here a lot. We finally had enough of our own life stressors we had to set boundaries firmly and let the chips fall as they may. All heck broke lose, but by then we were so fed up with the BS we were prepared to lose them. They gave us silent treatment and we enjoyed the much needed break. When they were ready to speak to us again and insisted their way or the highway, we chose the highway. In dysfunctional families you risk estrangement by setting and keeping boundaries. You have to have tried every possible permutation and be so fed up with the poor behavior that if setting boundaries gets you ousted, you would find that a relief over playing these games any longer. There are many estrangements in my family and my husband's family and each and every one was set off by a cyclebreaker setting a boundary and not giving in to tantrums. If you look at all us black sheep, we are happily married and we were the people pleasers who finally stopped pleasing. If you look at those who are still allowed in the family, most are divorced or in unhappy marriages, replaying drama over drama. The only thing that brings them together is complaining about black sheep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The issue is family dysfunction. In health families you can have boundaries and communicate without setting off an explosion. In dysfunctional families you have to try 42 approaches just to say "No Karen, that doesn't work for me!"

Ding ding ding, we have a winner

Yep. I used to post here a lot. We finally had enough of our own life stressors we had to set boundaries firmly and let the chips fall as they may. All heck broke lose, but by then we were so fed up with the BS we were prepared to lose them. They gave us silent treatment and we enjoyed the much needed break. When they were ready to speak to us again and insisted their way or the highway, we chose the highway. In dysfunctional families you risk estrangement by setting and keeping boundaries. You have to have tried every possible permutation and be so fed up with the poor behavior that if setting boundaries gets you ousted, you would find that a relief over playing these games any longer. There are many estrangements in my family and my husband's family and each and every one was set off by a cyclebreaker setting a boundary and not giving in to tantrums. If you look at all us black sheep, we are happily married and we were the people pleasers who finally stopped pleasing. If you look at those who are still allowed in the family, most are divorced or in unhappy marriages, replaying drama over drama. The only thing that brings them together is complaining about black sheep.

Awesome, and congratulations, PP. That is amazing that you took a stand for your own well-being. Good for you.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes family dynamics make basic interactions much harder than the need to be. I am someone who is good at stating my preferences and setting boundaries, but can still struggle to do it with my parents because they simply do not hear "no" and will disregard things I say and just do what they want anyway. My mom is a master of just playing dumb ("oh I don't remember you saying the kids can't take of school today for a grandma visit, oops! well since I'm here anyway...") I've learned to deal with it, partly by just living very far away from my family which makes it much easier to enforce boundaries.

But when I see threads like this, I just assume people are dealing with these dynamics -- family members who just don't hear you or awknowledge when you try to set limits, and also might threaten and throw tantrums if you insist. And family is different than friends or coworkers because feelings of obligation are stronger (it's much harder to piss off your MIL or your own parents than a difficult coworker or a friend who is always crossing boundaries with you).

I try to have empathy. I don't think people are spineless. Sometimes family members are really difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The issue is family dysfunction. In health families you can have boundaries and communicate without setting off an explosion. In dysfunctional families you have to try 42 approaches just to say "No Karen, that doesn't work for me!"

+1, if you said what OP suggests in a lot of families, the response would be to ignore the request completely, or try to go around you and plead their case to your spouse, or bad mouth you to other family members in anger, or whatever. Or just blow up and rage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There have been so many Family Relationships posts lately where the central problem could be solved within about 20 seconds if the OP (or his or her spouse) were to simply open his or her mouth and speak words. As in, “No, a visit on these dates will not work for us, but we’d be glad to host you on X or Y dates.” Or, “We cannot also host Sheila, but if she would like to visit the area, there is a Sheraton about five minutes away.” Or, “If you mention my daughter’s weight again, I will ask you to leave my home. I’m never discussing her weight with you.”

Are people really this spineless? Do they really prioritize their (seemingly awful) parents over themselves, their children, and their spouses? What gives, doormats of DCUM? Because I’m starting to think that there aren’t actually that many spineless ninnies in the world, who can’t string two sentences together to set basic boundaries. I’m starting to think you just post and exaggerate for attention on DCUM. And I don’t know which scenario is more pathetic.

If you tell me you can host me but not one of my family members, none of us will be in attendance. Hope you’re happy.

That's kind of stupid if the reason is lack of space, for instance. You sound dumb.

[Anonymous]

Only a narcissistic psychopath would not understand. Look in the mirror op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Only a narcissistic psychopath would not understand. Look in the mirror op.

Would not understand what? It’s not always easy, but yes, you set the boundary let and the chips fall where they may. Oh no, an overbearing mother might get mad and stop calling incessantly for a few weeks? Sounds like a vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Only a narcissistic psychopath would not understand. Look in the mirror op.

Would not understand what? It’s not always easy, but yes, you set the boundary let and the chips fall where they may. Oh no, an overbearing mother might get mad and stop calling incessantly for a few weeks? Sounds like a vacation.

You can't be helped. Understand that we are all human with need to help and be helped and be around people that we love, regardless of how difficult they might be.
All the posts here are generally in the same vein, I want Mom, dad, sister, etc., to love me and be kind to me, and I want to keep working on these relationships BCS; that is what people do. Nobody has that perfectly healthy family, nobody. Regardless of the few people like you who are posting, just say no, to regular people with emotions and empathy; that is very difficult to do. To a narc, that is not an issue at all.
If cutting off family and it being so easy to break those bonds is so easy for you, but not the rest of us, we are not the ones with issues, you are.

[Anonymous]

Ex. I told my mother that it was making people uncomfortable that she was cursing and grumbling about the fact that my guest (long story why mother was also there- not her home, not my home!) put recycling on top of the empty egg cartons which were apparently not for recycling and she didn’t speak to me for months!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Only a narcissistic psychopath would not understand. Look in the mirror op.

Would not understand what? It’s not always easy, but yes, you set the boundary let and the chips fall where they may. Oh no, an overbearing mother might get mad and stop calling incessantly for a few weeks? Sounds like a vacation.

You can't be helped. Understand that we are all human with need to help and be helped and be around people that we love, regardless of how difficult they might be.
All the posts here are generally in the same vein, I want Mom, dad, sister, etc., to love me and be kind to me, and I want to keep working on these relationships BCS; that is what people do. Nobody has that perfectly healthy family, nobody. Regardless of the few people like you who are posting, just say no, to regular people with emotions and empathy; that is very difficult to do. To a narc, that is not an issue at all.
If cutting off family and it being so easy to break those bonds is so easy for you, but not the rest of us, we are not the ones with issues, you are.

I for one believe strong boundaries are essential and that doesn't mean, in my case, cutting family members out for good. But I will not judge those who have found this is the answer to removing a toxic relationship and bringing healing into their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There have been so many Family Relationships posts lately where the central problem could be solved within about 20 seconds if the OP (or his or her spouse) were to simply open his or her mouth and speak words. As in, “No, a visit on these dates will not work for us, but we’d be glad to host you on X or Y dates.” Or, “We cannot also host Sheila, but if she would like to visit the area, there is a Sheraton about five minutes away.” Or, “If you mention my daughter’s weight again, I will ask you to leave my home. I’m never discussing her weight with you.”

Are people really this spineless? Do they really prioritize their (seemingly awful) parents over themselves, their children, and their spouses? What gives, doormats of DCUM? Because I’m starting to think that there aren’t actually that many spineless ninnies in the world, who can’t string two sentences together to set basic boundaries. I’m starting to think you just post and exaggerate for attention on DCUM. And I don’t know which scenario is more pathetic.

If you tell me you can host me but not one of my family members, none of us will be in attendance. Hope you’re happy.

Oh honey. If the “Sheila” in question is a 5yo child, you have a leg to stand on. If it’s a 35yo grown adult child, then you are absolutely pathetic, and I am, indeed, happy if you never visit again. See how that works?

Our house is not a bed and breakfast, and space is limited. I am so glad my family and my ILs know this, and can help plan accordingly. When we host holidays, we are happy to have everyone over for meals, but space is what it is. When my sister and her husband and four kids visit, that’s it: no more room. My parents get that and happily stay at a nearby Microtel, and my brother is kind enough to drive 45 minutes to my house with his boyfriend. There is only so much room, and all the adults recognize this and make do. Same deal when we fly to see my sister: some of us can fit with her, and some of us get hotel rooms. It is how functional, reasonable families operate. Glad I could spell that out for you.

It’s not a space issue when you pick & choose which family members can come.

NP. Actually, yes. I pick and choose when I allow my alcoholic father to be around. Boundaries, sweetie. No overnights and nothing high-stakes like a holiday or a school event. Boundaries. And if I had some bitter SIL who couldn’t handle herself, I wouldn’t let her around my kids either. It’s fine for you to have no boundaries, but you don’t get to act like “yes we welcome and cater to dysfunction” is the only way that works for all families. Bye.

Have any of your family members told you yet that when you call them sweetie condescendingly it makes them want to smack you? There's a boundary for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ex. I told my mother that it was making people uncomfortable that she was cursing and grumbling about the fact that my guest (long story why mother was also there- not her home, not my home!) put recycling on top of the empty egg cartons which were apparently not for recycling and she didn’t speak to me for months!

OK, an unreasonable, cursing crazy lady didn’t speak to you for months. Win!