Think I need a therapist. And maybe a lawyer..

[Anonymous]

I'm confused, you don't seem to say he has a history of substance abuse. And last night behaved in a way that seemed very out of character but you are immediately leaping to the assumption he bears full responsibility for it even though it is clear he's on a medication that interacts with alcohol?

And then, unrelatedly, you say you think you have been unhappy for a long time and even though he We get along fine and co-parent well and he

does more than his fair share around the house and with the kids (more than me on balance probably). But there isn’t much love left and he tends to get very argumentative when he drinks (though not like last night which was the first time the kids had to see him this drunk). We don’t have much in common either and when we do things together it’s mostly with the kids.

Listen, it sounds like he was a jerk last night and it also sounds like he had a bad interaction with medication last night and if he's apologetic and this has never happened before then it seems like a non issue. If your marriage was otherwise happy you'd probably feel bad for him that he embarrassed himself like that and was suffering today. But since you are in a not that happy marriage you're using this as like, the incident that pushed you over the edge towards divorce.

Divorce if you're unhappy. And make sure he works out what caused this incident so he doesn't repeat it. But don't use an isolated incident where he had a reaction to a medication to label him an addict to justify a divorce to someone who is apparently a good dad and pretty good partner on the home front. That is messed up and will be bad for your kids, and unnecessarily cruel to him. It is ok to divorce because you're unhappy and not in love, you don't need to have some awful narrative to back it up. He's human, you're human, your kids are human, try not to forget that as you navigate this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused, you don't seem to say he has a history of substance abuse. And last night behaved in a way that seemed very out of character but you are immediately leaping to the assumption he bears full responsibility for it even though it is clear he's on a medication that interacts with alcohol?

And then, unrelatedly, you say you think you have been unhappy for a long time and even though he We get along fine and co-parent well and he

does more than his fair share around the house and with the kids (more than me on balance probably). But there isn’t much love left and he tends to get very argumentative when he drinks (though not like last night which was the first time the kids had to see him this drunk). We don’t have much in common either and when we do things together it’s mostly with the kids.

Listen, it sounds like he was a jerk last night and it also sounds like he had a bad interaction with medication last night and if he's apologetic and this has never happened before then it seems like a non issue. If your marriage was otherwise happy you'd probably feel bad for him that he embarrassed himself like that and was suffering today. But since you are in a not that happy marriage you're using this as like, the incident that pushed you over the edge towards divorce.

Divorce if you're unhappy. And make sure he works out what caused this incident so he doesn't repeat it. But don't use an isolated incident where he had a reaction to a medication to label him an addict to justify a divorce to someone who is apparently a good dad and pretty good partner on the home front. That is messed up and will be bad for your kids, and unnecessarily cruel to him. It is ok to divorce because you're unhappy and not in love, you don't need to have some awful narrative to back it up. He's human, you're human, your kids are human, try not to forget that as you navigate this.

This.

OP, you are all over the place. You are not a good communicator.

If you are going to leave, see a therapist and figure out how to communicate better. You seem to be heading towards an unnecessarily angry divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused, you don't seem to say he has a history of substance abuse. And last night behaved in a way that seemed very out of character but you are immediately leaping to the assumption he bears full responsibility for it even though it is clear he's on a medication that interacts with alcohol?

And then, unrelatedly, you say you think you have been unhappy for a long time and even though he We get along fine and co-parent well and he

does more than his fair share around the house and with the kids (more than me on balance probably). But there isn’t much love left and he tends to get very argumentative when he drinks (though not like last night which was the first time the kids had to see him this drunk). We don’t have much in common either and when we do things together it’s mostly with the kids.

Listen, it sounds like he was a jerk last night and it also sounds like he had a bad interaction with medication last night and if he's apologetic and this has never happened before then it seems like a non issue. If your marriage was otherwise happy you'd probably feel bad for him that he embarrassed himself like that and was suffering today. But since you are in a not that happy marriage you're using this as like, the incident that pushed you over the edge towards divorce.

Divorce if you're unhappy. And make sure he works out what caused this incident so he doesn't repeat it. But don't use an isolated incident where he had a reaction to a medication to label him an addict to justify a divorce to someone who is apparently a good dad and pretty good partner on the home front. That is messed up and will be bad for your kids, and unnecessarily cruel to him. It is ok to divorce because you're unhappy and not in love, you don't need to have some awful narrative to back it up. He's human, you're human, your kids are human, try not to forget that as you navigate this.

This.

OP, you are all over the place. You are not a good communicator.

If you are going to leave, see a therapist and figure out how to communicate better. You seem to be heading towards an unnecessarily angry divorce.

Yes, I’m a bit all over the place today as I’m shaken. And my post was asking for therapist recommendations so…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused, you don't seem to say he has a history of substance abuse. And last night behaved in a way that seemed very out of character but you are immediately leaping to the assumption he bears full responsibility for it even though it is clear he's on a medication that interacts with alcohol?

And then, unrelatedly, you say you think you have been unhappy for a long time and even though he We get along fine and co-parent well and he

does more than his fair share around the house and with the kids (more than me on balance probably). But there isn’t much love left and he tends to get very argumentative when he drinks (though not like last night which was the first time the kids had to see him this drunk). We don’t have much in common either and when we do things together it’s mostly with the kids.

Listen, it sounds like he was a jerk last night and it also sounds like he had a bad interaction with medication last night and if he's apologetic and this has never happened before then it seems like a non issue. If your marriage was otherwise happy you'd probably feel bad for him that he embarrassed himself like that and was suffering today. But since you are in a not that happy marriage you're using this as like, the incident that pushed you over the edge towards divorce.

Divorce if you're unhappy. And make sure he works out what caused this incident so he doesn't repeat it. But don't use an isolated incident where he had a reaction to a medication to label him an addict to justify a divorce to someone who is apparently a good dad and pretty good partner on the home front. That is messed up and will be bad for your kids, and unnecessarily cruel to him. It is ok to divorce because you're unhappy and not in love, you don't need to have some awful narrative to back it up. He's human, you're human, your kids are human, try not to forget that as you navigate this.

This.

OP, you are all over the place. You are not a good communicator.

If you are going to leave, see a therapist and figure out how to communicate better. You seem to be heading towards an unnecessarily angry divorce.

Yes, I’m a bit all over the place today as I’m shaken. And my post was asking for therapist recommendations so…

It seems like a lot to be 'shaken' over your otherwise normal spouse having a bad reaction to medication. You aren't going to find meaningful therapist recommendations here. Go to your health insurance portal, see who is covered, call 10 of them about availability. It is hard to get in with someone and you might have to look around for someone that is geographically convenient for you and who also is taking new patients.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry you are going through this OP. You are a good mom for thinking about the well being of your kids first. Setting aside the drunk incident last night (which was not ok in my opinion), are you experiencing other issues in your marriage? Have you been happy otherwise or are there other aspects that bother/worry you that makes this feel like the final straw?

Thank you for your kind words. It really helps.

I think you make a very good observation. If I’m honest with myself, I don’t think I’ve been happy for quite some time. We get along fine and co-parent well and he does more than his fair share around the house and with the kids (more than me on balance probably). But there isn’t much love left and he tends to get very argumentative when he drinks (though not like last night which was the first time the kids had to see him this drunk). We don’t have much in common either and when we do things together it’s mostly with the kids. We’ve talked about separating before but as a child of divorced parents myself I really really didn’t want my kids to go through that. I think yesterday’s incident made me think whether I’m doing the kids a favor or not, as I honestly would want them to have higher standards of their marriage than I do myself..

Separately, should I reach out to my kids’ friend’s mom who he called last night? Not sure if or how to apologize on his behalf . Argh.

Ugh sorry op, I just saw this after my last post. The way you mention argumentative when he drinks sounds like it is more than a one time thing. Do you think he has an alcohol problem? You sound like a really good human and mom! I hope you all are able to work this out but agree he needs to get help and you are not overreacting that this is NOT OKAY. I just was reacting to the divorce part.

Yep. While divorcing over this one incident would be nuts, I think OP has been ignoring this guy’s alcoholism for a long time.

[Anonymous]

Why are you in your kid's bed crying? Wtf is wrong with you? Whether she is asleep or awake, you need to stay out of her room when you are crying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused, you don't seem to say he has a history of substance abuse. And last night behaved in a way that seemed very out of character but you are immediately leaping to the assumption he bears full responsibility for it even though it is clear he's on a medication that interacts with alcohol?

And then, unrelatedly, you say you think you have been unhappy for a long time and even though he We get along fine and co-parent well and he

does more than his fair share around the house and with the kids (more than me on balance probably). But there isn’t much love left and he tends to get very argumentative when he drinks (though not like last night which was the first time the kids had to see him this drunk). We don’t have much in common either and when we do things together it’s mostly with the kids.

Listen, it sounds like he was a jerk last night and it also sounds like he had a bad interaction with medication last night and if he's apologetic and this has never happened before then it seems like a non issue. If your marriage was otherwise happy you'd probably feel bad for him that he embarrassed himself like that and was suffering today. But since you are in a not that happy marriage you're using this as like, the incident that pushed you over the edge towards divorce.

Divorce if you're unhappy. And make sure he works out what caused this incident so he doesn't repeat it. But don't use an isolated incident where he had a reaction to a medication to label him an addict to justify a divorce to someone who is apparently a good dad and pretty good partner on the home front. That is messed up and will be bad for your kids, and unnecessarily cruel to him. It is ok to divorce because you're unhappy and not in love, you don't need to have some awful narrative to back it up. He's human, you're human, your kids are human, try not to forget that as you navigate this.

This.

OP, you are all over the place. You are not a good communicator.

If you are going to leave, see a therapist and figure out how to communicate better. You seem to be heading towards an unnecessarily angry divorce.

Yes, I’m a bit all over the place today as I’m shaken. And my post was asking for therapist recommendations so…

OP - some people here are being very cruel and I’m sorry and hope you are able to read past those posts quickly to those offering empathy and measured advice.

As to your question about whether to say something to your friend that he called, if it were me, I’d probably say something but (as I’m sure you are) I’d probably be really embarrassed and make up some sort of way to smooth it over quickly and without more drama.

Good luck with everything on your plate right now. I agree with a previous poster that said you don’t have to make any decisions right now. Be there for your kids and ignore your husband (let him feel guilty, who cares) until you are beyond the immediate emotions and ready to have a talk with him about what is next. And if you don’t have a close friend that you are comfortable talking to, call a therapist. I’ve found that most are doing virtual appointments these days, so it should be pretty easy to book one. Beyond recommendations here, you could always ask your GP or GYN for a referral to start.

[Anonymous]

You’re not over-reacting. You described an exact evening I had with my now ex husband several years ago. The denying he was drunk part was the worst. It was awful and not an isolated incident. And it is abusive.

Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

OP said he's very argumentative when he drinks. This hasn't been the only incident, just the most severe. Why is he drinking at all if he's on the medications? This isn't just some normal guy that accidentally had a glass of wine while on medication and acted strangely. I feel like if anything OP is in denial about the extent of the problem. They need to go to counseling as a family and talk about his substance use with a professional to determine if this rises to the level of a substance abuse issue.

[Anonymous]

The funny thing is half of the DCUMers would love to trade and give you their mild-mannnered but useless around the house DH in exchange.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The funny thing is half of the DCUMers would love to trade and give you their mild-mannnered but useless around the house DH in exchange.

All I can say is be careful what you wish for.

[Anonymous]

How did he react the following morning?

The answer to that question is the whole
story. Everyone counseling the OP to slow down, it’s one time, w/ev needs to take a long hard look at why they did not ask this question.

There is only one good answer to this question and I would bet my house it isn’t what happened here.

OP: what did he say and do the next day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don’t know if it qualifies as emotional abuse or not, all
I know is that my two daughters both woke up this morning sad because their dad was wasted and we were arguing. I feel horrible too. He is very remorseful and apologetic this morning but it’s just not enough. I can only see either we end here or I live in worry that my kids will be exposed to this again. I feel horrible for them

In that moment you have a come to Jesus talk with him. He is in a remorseful state, use that. Tell him he makes plans (you help him on this) to get treatment, or you are done. Meanwhile, do the other stuff you need to do. You are not bluffing. Be ready.

Thank you. I like this. I’m not clear what type of treatment I should look for. A therapist with experience in substance abuse who could help figure out if he needs more or different help perhaps?

How is it substance abuse if it was one time? You said he wasn't even that drunk. So either (i) his alcohol mixed with medication (which is not something you hold against him, though you make sure he works with his MD to resolve the issue); or (ii) he wasn't really drunk at all, he was just a total dick on a one-time occasion. Which is not cool, and you deserve a serious apology for. But you don't divorce over.

OP here. No, I said he was VERY drunk, but based on what I saw he didn’t drink that much so he got really drunk with not that much drinking (a couple of beers and a few cocktails). He couldn’t put coherent sentences together and couldn’t walk straight and when I told him to go to bed he lost it and started yelling at me and calling our friends (which I’m mortified about, trying to remind myself it was him who made a completely fool of himself and not me but … well, not easy).

This sounds medical. I don't understand why you even suggested emotional abuse for an erratic episode. You don't know what emotional abuse is. Honestly, you sound like you have had a very smooth marriage and don't know how do deal with any difficultly. This truly sounds like a health issue. Don't mix meds and drink. Get a grip, lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you in your kid's bed crying? Wtf is wrong with you? Whether she is asleep or awake, you need to stay out of her room when you are crying.

This. OP...your behavior is going to mess your kids up if you get a divorce. This is not divorce worthy...unless there are real issues that become a pattern and major problem. An erratic episode is not something to freak out about--or cry about in front of your kids. WTF is wrong with you? You are the one who would do more damage if you go down the war path.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don’t know if it qualifies as emotional abuse or not, all
I know is that my two daughters both woke up this morning sad because their dad was wasted and we were arguing. I feel horrible too. He is very remorseful and apologetic this morning but it’s just not enough. I can only see either we end here or I live in worry that my kids will be exposed to this again. I feel horrible for them

In that moment you have a come to Jesus talk with him. He is in a remorseful state, use that. Tell him he makes plans (you help him on this) to get treatment, or you are done. Meanwhile, do the other stuff you need to do. You are not bluffing. Be ready.

Thank you. I like this. I’m not clear what type of treatment I should look for. A therapist with experience in substance abuse who could help figure out if he needs more or different help perhaps?

How is it substance abuse if it was one time? You said he wasn't even that drunk. So either (i) his alcohol mixed with medication (which is not something you hold against him, though you make sure he works with his MD to resolve the issue); or (ii) he wasn't really drunk at all, he was just a total dick on a one-time occasion. Which is not cool, and you deserve a serious apology for. But you don't divorce over.

OP here. No, I said he was VERY drunk, but based on what I saw he didn’t drink that much so he got really drunk with not that much drinking (a couple of beers and a few cocktails). He couldn’t put coherent sentences together and couldn’t walk straight and when I told him to go to bed he lost it and started yelling at me and calling our friends (which I’m mortified about, trying to remind myself it was him who made a completely fool of himself and not me but … well, not easy).

This sounds medical. I don't understand why you even suggested emotional abuse for an erratic episode. You don't know what emotional abuse is. Honestly, you sound like you have had a very smooth marriage and don't know how do deal with any difficultly. This truly sounds like a health issue. Don't mix meds and drink. Get a grip, lady.

None of us were there. At face value she is clearly indicating she's *here* bec this was not just an annoying event, so be more respectful please.