Think I need a therapist. And maybe a lawyer..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don’t know if it qualifies as emotional abuse or not, all
I know is that my two daughters both woke up this morning sad because their dad was wasted and we were arguing. I feel horrible too. He is very remorseful and apologetic this morning but it’s just not enough. I can only see either we end here or I live in worry that my kids will be exposed to this again. I feel horrible for them

In that moment you have a come to Jesus talk with him. He is in a remorseful state, use that. Tell him he makes plans (you help him on this) to get treatment, or you are done. Meanwhile, do the other stuff you need to do. You are not bluffing. Be ready.

Thank you. I like this. I’m not clear what type of treatment I should look for. A therapist with experience in substance abuse who could help figure out if he needs more or different help perhaps?

How is it substance abuse if it was one time? You said he wasn't even that drunk. So either (i) his alcohol mixed with medication (which is not something you hold against him, though you make sure he works with his MD to resolve the issue); or (ii) he wasn't really drunk at all, he was just a total dick on a one-time occasion. Which is not cool, and you deserve a serious apology for. But you don't divorce over.

OP here. No, I said he was VERY drunk, but based on what I saw he didn’t drink that much so he got really drunk with not that much drinking (a couple of beers and a few cocktails). He couldn’t put coherent sentences together and couldn’t walk straight and when I told him to go to bed he lost it and started yelling at me and calling our friends (which I’m mortified about, trying to remind myself it was him who made a completely fool of himself and not me but … well, not easy).

This sounds medical. I don't understand why you even suggested emotional abuse for an erratic episode. You don't know what emotional abuse is. Honestly, you sound like you have had a very smooth marriage and don't know how do deal with any difficultly. This truly sounds like a health issue. Don't mix meds and drink. Get a grip, lady.

None of us were there. At face value she is clearly indicating she's *here* bec this was not just an annoying event, so be more respectful please.

+1. Good God. I have never seen the typical DCUM nonsense add up to such terrible advice and non-support of an OP this fast before. Anyone here who has not been the spouse of an alcoholic needs to sit down. The flags are flying all over the OP’s posts; you just have no idea what you’re looking at.

[Anonymous]

Let me get this straight your first reaction is to get. A lawyer ge trying to get held for your husband? Maybe just let that sink in.

He might be having a mental health crisis, are you just going to dump him immediately?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

He might be having a mental health crisis, are you just going to dump him immediately?

Phone issues, retry:

Let me get this straight: your first reaction is to get a lawyer vs trying to get help for your husband? Maybe just let that sink in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

He might be having a mental health crisis, are you just going to dump him immediately?

Phone issues, retry:

Let me get this straight: your first reaction is to get a lawyer vs trying to get help for your husband? Maybe just let that sink in.

Helping him and helping herself can both be true at the same time. Individual therapist for her, couples for them, and an attorney to advise on blind spots seems like an appropriate course of action.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did he react the following morning?

The answer to that question is the whole
story. Everyone counseling the OP to slow down, it’s one time, w/ev needs to take a long hard look at why they did not ask this question.

There is only one good answer to this question and I would bet my house it isn’t what happened here.

OP: what did he say and do the next day?

Thanks everyone, especially those understanding that this was actually really awful and upsetting.

The first thing he did the next morning was to apologize. He was very remorseful. At the same time he seemed dismissive about needing to do more than “it won’t happen again”. I was too annoyed to talk to him more yesterday and ignored him. This morning he apologized again. He’s willing to see a therapist and though he doesn’t think he has a problem (I disagree), he said he’s open to seeing someone who knows about substance abuse and anger management who can advise him and us whether it is or not. I really hope he will follow through on this, I think it’s the only way we can survive.

To those thinking I overreact, well I think I’ll just disagree and leave it at that. It isn’t an isolated incidence, he has “snapped” like this when drinking before but this is the first time it happened in front of kids and friends. For me that crosses a line. I honestly think that the fact the kids saw him like this has shook him up and is the only reason he’s willing to speak with someone about it.

Ps: I didn’t cry in front of my kid. She has a bunk bed and I went in there to get away from him. If you think that’s what will mess them up vs their dad being drunk and scary, then okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did he react the following morning?

The answer to that question is the whole
story. Everyone counseling the OP to slow down, it’s one time, w/ev needs to take a long hard look at why they did not ask this question.

There is only one good answer to this question and I would bet my house it isn’t what happened here.

OP: what did he say and do the next day?

Thanks everyone, especially those understanding that this was actually really awful and upsetting.

The first thing he did the next morning was to apologize. He was very remorseful. At the same time he seemed dismissive about needing to do more than “it won’t happen again”. I was too annoyed to talk to him more yesterday and ignored him. This morning he apologized again. He’s willing to see a therapist and though he doesn’t think he has a problem (I disagree), he said he’s open to seeing someone who knows about substance abuse and anger management who can advise him and us whether it is or not. I really hope he will follow through on this, I think it’s the only way we can survive.

To those thinking I overreact, well I think I’ll just disagree and leave it at that. It isn’t an isolated incidence, he has “snapped” like this when drinking before but this is the first time it happened in front of kids and friends. For me that crosses a line. I honestly think that the fact the kids saw him like this has shook him up and is the only reason he’s willing to speak with someone about it.

Ps: I didn’t cry in front of my kid. She has a bunk bed and I went in there to get away from him. If you think that’s what will mess them up vs their dad being drunk and scary, then okay.

I don’t think you over-reacted, OP. I am one of the posters suggesting getting professional help for yourself and husband immediately. Don’t make any big decisions right now or on your own. It’s really unfortunate that your husband is so reticent to get help but maybe a counselor can help him and you see the next best steps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused, you don't seem to say he has a history of substance abuse. And last night behaved in a way that seemed very out of character but you are immediately leaping to the assumption he bears full responsibility for it even though it is clear he's on a medication that interacts with alcohol?

And then, unrelatedly, you say you think you have been unhappy for a long time and even though he We get along fine and co-parent well and he

does more than his fair share around the house and with the kids (more than me on balance probably). But there isn’t much love left and he tends to get very argumentative when he drinks (though not like last night which was the first time the kids had to see him this drunk). We don’t have much in common either and when we do things together it’s mostly with the kids.

Listen, it sounds like he was a jerk last night and it also sounds like he had a bad interaction with medication last night and if he's apologetic and this has never happened before then it seems like a non issue. If your marriage was otherwise happy you'd probably feel bad for him that he embarrassed himself like that and was suffering today. But since you are in a not that happy marriage you're using this as like, the incident that pushed you over the edge towards divorce.

Divorce if you're unhappy. And make sure he works out what caused this incident so he doesn't repeat it. But don't use an isolated incident where he had a reaction to a medication to label him an addict to justify a divorce to someone who is apparently a good dad and pretty good partner on the home front. That is messed up and will be bad for your kids, and unnecessarily cruel to him. It is ok to divorce because you're unhappy and not in love, you don't need to have some awful narrative to back it up. He's human, you're human, your kids are human, try not to forget that as you navigate this.

This.

OP, you are all over the place. You are not a good communicator.

If you are going to leave, see a therapist and figure out how to communicate better. You seem to be heading towards an unnecessarily angry divorce.

Yes, I’m a bit all over the place today as I’m shaken. And my post was asking for therapist recommendations so…

It seems like a lot to be 'shaken' over your otherwise normal spouse having a bad reaction to medication. You aren't going to find meaningful therapist recommendations here. Go to your health insurance portal, see who is covered, call 10 of them about availability. It is hard to get in with someone and you might have to look around for someone that is geographically convenient for you and who also is taking new patients.

OP has not been happy for a while, and looking for a reason, perhaps subconsciously, to bail on the marriage. This is a convenient excuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did he react the following morning?

The answer to that question is the whole
story. Everyone counseling the OP to slow down, it’s one time, w/ev needs to take a long hard look at why they did not ask this question.

There is only one good answer to this question and I would bet my house it isn’t what happened here.

OP: what did he say and do the next day?

Thanks everyone, especially those understanding that this was actually really awful and upsetting.

The first thing he did the next morning was to apologize. He was very remorseful. At the same time he seemed dismissive about needing to do more than “it won’t happen again”. I was too annoyed to talk to him more yesterday and ignored him. This morning he apologized again. He’s willing to see a therapist and though he doesn’t think he has a problem (I disagree), he said he’s open to seeing someone who knows about substance abuse and anger management who can advise him and us whether it is or not. I really hope he will follow through on this, I think it’s the only way we can survive.

To those thinking I overreact, well I think I’ll just disagree and leave it at that. It isn’t an isolated incidence, he has “snapped” like this when drinking before but this is the first time it happened in front of kids and friends. For me that crosses a line. I honestly think that the fact the kids saw him like this has shook him up and is the only reason he’s willing to speak with someone about it.

Ps: I didn’t cry in front of my kid. She has a bunk bed and I went in there to get away from him. If you think that’s what will mess them up vs their dad being drunk and scary, then okay.

“What did he say/do the next day” poster here.

So basically: he talka-ed talka-ed talka-ed. He’s spinning his wheels and hoping you back off.

Good answers would have included: immediately upon waking up, he would have said something like “Whoa—I have a problem and I need to get help.” Or “Oh my God, I can’t even remember what happened—something terrible must have happened with the alcohol and those meds; I’m not going to drink again unless/until I’m off them.” Or he would have called the doctor to say “hey, I didn’t realize this could happen—but it did and I’m never doing that again. I do like having a beer with dinner; what are my options for medications that won’t interact this way?”

These are things a person *without* a substance use disorder would say, to be clear. That is not OP’s husband—he *does* have a substance use disorder, which we know because he is taking no steps to prevent future harmful consequences of his substance use to the rest of the family. So it’s not surprising he didn’t say/do these things.

I get to keep the house I bet and unfortunately, OP, you are stuck with this problem.

In your shoes, I did see a marriage counselor and a lawyer. Husband is 5 yrs sober and we are still married. But he wanted to not do that kind of crap anymore. Yours isn’t there yet.

Good luck. Be strong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don’t know if it qualifies as emotional abuse or not, all
I know is that my two daughters both woke up this morning sad because their dad was wasted and we were arguing. I feel horrible too. He is very remorseful and apologetic this morning but it’s just not enough. I can only see either we end here or I live in worry that my kids will be exposed to this again. I feel horrible for them

In that moment you have a come to Jesus talk with him. He is in a remorseful state, use that. Tell him he makes plans (you help him on this) to get treatment, or you are done. Meanwhile, do the other stuff you need to do. You are not bluffing. Be ready.

Thank you. I like this. I’m not clear what type of treatment I should look for. A therapist with experience in substance abuse who could help figure out if he needs more or different help perhaps?

How is it substance abuse if it was one time? You said he wasn't even that drunk. So either (i) his alcohol mixed with medication (which is not something you hold against him, though you make sure he works with his MD to resolve the issue); or (ii) he wasn't really drunk at all, he was just a total dick on a one-time occasion. Which is not cool, and you deserve a serious apology for. But you don't divorce over.

OP here. No, I said he was VERY drunk, but based on what I saw he didn’t drink that much so he got really drunk with not that much drinking (a couple of beers and a few cocktails). He couldn’t put coherent sentences together and couldn’t walk straight and when I told him to go to bed he lost it and started yelling at me and calling our friends (which I’m mortified about, trying to remind myself it was him who made a completely fool of himself and not me but … well, not easy).

this has to be a troll, OP says in the same sentence he didn't drink that much ... but referenced "a couple of beers and a few cocktails" while taking medication?? that is a ton!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems like a vast overreaction to a one time event — and I’m a person that has very little tolerance for overindulging. I would divorce an alcoholic in a heartbeat, but this isn’t what this sounds like. A kid seeing their parent being a jerky, hot mess one time isn’t something you split up over.

A jerky, drunk, hot mess who yelled at their mom, bumped into walls because he couldn’t walk straight and drunk called people including one of their friends’ mom and asked her to witness that he wasn’t drunk? I don’t feel I’m
overreacting

To get divorced because of this incident one time? Yes 100% that would be an overreaction and I have a very low tolerance for drinking. Saying this is NOT OKAY and cannot ever happen again and try to get to the root of what is going on/what happened? That is totally appropriate and of course it is ok to be upset. But people are reacting to you bringing up divorce for a one time incident which if the marriage is typically good does not seem appropriate. But maybe there is more we don't know. It sounds awful op, I am not at all dismissing that this sounds like an awful incident but what the heck happened? If this is so out of the norm figure out what the heck is going on but dont jump to divorcing.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re not over-reacting. You described an exact evening I had with my now ex husband several years ago. The denying he was drunk part was the worst. It was awful and not an isolated incident. And it is abusive.

Good luck to you.

the difference is that OP said that this IS an isolated incident. and that she thinks it was a bad interaction with his meds ... but is still looking to divorce over it and called it "emotional abuse". I think this is where readers are getting confused by her story.

isolated indecent with remorse ---> forgive DH as OP is over-reacting

NOT an isolated incident but OP is hiding information --> DH probably has some substance abuse problems and would explain why the OP jumped to divorce ... except she also adamantly says he didn't drink much, this was an isolated incident and he is a father who does more than 50% of the work ... so we are confused why you would jump to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure he isn’t secretly drinking quite regularly? Alternatively, have you googled the meds he is on to see what they say about drinking? I cannot tell if you are overreacting or if there have been 15 years of real issues you are just not putting out there.

+1. When my DH started exhibiting similar patterns, I.e., appearing to be much more inebriated than would have been expected based on what I saw him drink- that opened a can of worms and I found out he had been secretly drinking and had developed a very serious problem- ultimately he went to AA and it is a happy story for us 12 years later but I would take this v seriously.

Same here. My husband would get so drunk on a drink or two. Because he was drinking more than that, secretly. He’s sober now, thank god.

OP, start looking for hidden bottles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re not over-reacting. You described an exact evening I had with my now ex husband several years ago. The denying he was drunk part was the worst. It was awful and not an isolated incident. And it is abusive.

Good luck to you.

the difference is that OP said that this IS an isolated incident. and that she thinks it was a bad interaction with his meds ... but is still looking to divorce over it and called it "emotional abuse". I think this is where readers are getting confused by her story.

isolated indecent with remorse ---> forgive DH as OP is over-reacting

NOT an isolated incident but OP is hiding information --> DH probably has some substance abuse problems and would explain why the OP jumped to divorce ... except she also adamantly says he didn't drink much, this was an isolated incident and he is a father who does more than 50% of the work ... so we are confused why you would jump to divorce.

PP again, and looks like there was trickle down information happening. From the true OP, it implied it was an isolated incident bc she said it was out of character short of a few incidences she referenced from 15 years ago...

later she supplemented that it isn't isolated, but that doing it IN FRONT OF THE KIDS was the new behavior.
100% don't think you are over-reacting OP, but it does sound like your DH has a substance abuse problem and you may have been in denial about it.
I am sorry this happened to you, but I hope it gave you the clarity to see that this is a problem.

[Anonymous]

He told me he’s made an appointment with a therapist for next week. Let’s see…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He told me he’s made an appointment with a therapist for next week. Let’s see…

That is good progress OP. Yes you would love him to admit he has a huge problem and be full of remorse, but people don’t always take big steps. Sometimes they take small steps. And for the sake of your family, that’s ok right now.