Think I need a therapist. And maybe a lawyer..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don’t know if it qualifies as emotional abuse or not, all
I know is that my two daughters both woke up this morning sad because their dad was wasted and we were arguing. I feel horrible too. He is very remorseful and apologetic this morning but it’s just not enough. I can only see either we end here or I live in worry that my kids will be exposed to this again. I feel horrible for them

Why do you keep calling him “wasted”? Your OP said he had not had much to drink. Obviously, it mixed badly with his medication. Have a conversation with him about that rather than calling him a drunk on the internet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don’t know if it qualifies as emotional abuse or not, all
I know is that my two daughters both woke up this morning sad because their dad was wasted and we were arguing. I feel horrible too. He is very remorseful and apologetic this morning but it’s just not enough. I can only see either we end here or I live in worry that my kids will be exposed to this again. I feel horrible for them

In that moment you have a come to Jesus talk with him. He is in a remorseful state, use that. Tell him he makes plans (you help him on this) to get treatment, or you are done. Meanwhile, do the other stuff you need to do. You are not bluffing. Be ready.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems like a vast overreaction to a one time event — and I’m a person that has very little tolerance for overindulging. I would divorce an alcoholic in a heartbeat, but this isn’t what this sounds like. A kid seeing their parent being a jerky, hot mess one time isn’t something you split up over.

A jerky, drunk, hot mess who yelled at their mom, bumped into walls because he couldn’t walk straight and drunk called people including one of their friends’ mom and asked her to witness that he wasn’t drunk? I don’t feel I’m
overreacting

I mean, I agree this is nuts. But divorcing is way more harmful to your kids than this one time event. But I bet this guy is a secret alcoholic. In which case, I would run. But you seem sort of nuts yourself to blow up your kid’s lives over this. I would use this to start hard core investigating just how much this guy is drinking and go from there.

Not very healthy for kids to see mom stay in an unhealthy relationship either though. I’d be worried about modeling for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don’t know if it qualifies as emotional abuse or not, all
I know is that my two daughters both woke up this morning sad because their dad was wasted and we were arguing. I feel horrible too. He is very remorseful and apologetic this morning but it’s just not enough. I can only see either we end here or I live in worry that my kids will be exposed to this again. I feel horrible for them

In that moment you have a come to Jesus talk with him. He is in a remorseful state, use that. Tell him he makes plans (you help him on this) to get treatment, or you are done. Meanwhile, do the other stuff you need to do. You are not bluffing. Be ready.

Thank you. I like this. I’m not clear what type of treatment I should look for. A therapist with experience in substance abuse who could help figure out if he needs more or different help perhaps?

[Anonymous]

What kind of medicine

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don’t know if it qualifies as emotional abuse or not, all
I know is that my two daughters both woke up this morning sad because their dad was wasted and we were arguing. I feel horrible too. He is very remorseful and apologetic this morning but it’s just not enough. I can only see either we end here or I live in worry that my kids will be exposed to this again. I feel horrible for them

In that moment you have a come to Jesus talk with him. He is in a remorseful state, use that. Tell him he makes plans (you help him on this) to get treatment, or you are done. Meanwhile, do the other stuff you need to do. You are not bluffing. Be ready.

Thank you. I like this. I’m not clear what type of treatment I should look for. A therapist with experience in substance abuse who could help figure out if he needs more or different help perhaps?

How is it substance abuse if it was one time? You said he wasn't even that drunk. So either (i) his alcohol mixed with medication (which is not something you hold against him, though you make sure he works with his MD to resolve the issue); or (ii) he wasn't really drunk at all, he was just a total dick on a one-time occasion. Which is not cool, and you deserve a serious apology for. But you don't divorce over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don’t know if it qualifies as emotional abuse or not, all
I know is that my two daughters both woke up this morning sad because their dad was wasted and we were arguing. I feel horrible too. He is very remorseful and apologetic this morning but it’s just not enough. I can only see either we end here or I live in worry that my kids will be exposed to this again. I feel horrible for them

In that moment you have a come to Jesus talk with him. He is in a remorseful state, use that. Tell him he makes plans (you help him on this) to get treatment, or you are done. Meanwhile, do the other stuff you need to do. You are not bluffing. Be ready.

Thank you. I like this. I’m not clear what type of treatment I should look for. A therapist with experience in substance abuse who could help figure out if he needs more or different help perhaps?

How is it substance abuse if it was one time? You said he wasn't even that drunk. So either (i) his alcohol mixed with medication (which is not something you hold against him, though you make sure he works with his MD to resolve the issue); or (ii) he wasn't really drunk at all, he was just a total dick on a one-time occasion. Which is not cool, and you deserve a serious apology for. But you don't divorce over.

OP here. No, I said he was VERY drunk, but based on what I saw he didn’t drink that much so he got really drunk with not that much drinking (a couple of beers and a few cocktails). He couldn’t put coherent sentences together and couldn’t walk straight and when I told him to go to bed he lost it and started yelling at me and calling our friends (which I’m mortified about, trying to remind myself it was him who made a completely fool of himself and not me but … well, not easy).

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry you are going through this OP. You are a good mom for thinking about the well being of your kids first. Setting aside the drunk incident last night (which was not ok in my opinion), are you experiencing other issues in your marriage? Have you been happy otherwise or are there other aspects that bother/worry you that makes this feel like the final straw?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems like a vast overreaction to a one time event — and I’m a person that has very little tolerance for overindulging. I would divorce an alcoholic in a heartbeat, but this isn’t what this sounds like. A kid seeing their parent being a jerky, hot mess one time isn’t something you split up over.

A jerky, drunk, hot mess who yelled at their mom, bumped into walls because he couldn’t walk straight and drunk called people including one of their friends’ mom and asked her to witness that he wasn’t drunk? I don’t feel I’m
overreacting

I mean, I agree this is nuts. But divorcing is way more harmful to your kids than this one time event. But I bet this guy is a secret alcoholic. In which case, I would run. But you seem sort of nuts yourself to blow up your kid’s lives over this. I would use this to start hard core investigating just how much this guy is drinking and go from there.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry you are going through this OP. You are a good mom for thinking about the well being of your kids first. Setting aside the drunk incident last night (which was not ok in my opinion), are you experiencing other issues in your marriage? Have you been happy otherwise or are there other aspects that bother/worry you that makes this feel like the final straw?

Thank you for your kind words. It really helps.

I think you make a very good observation. If I’m honest with myself, I don’t think I’ve been happy for quite some time. We get along fine and co-parent well and he does more than his fair share around the house and with the kids (more than me on balance probably). But there isn’t much love left and he tends to get very argumentative when he drinks (though not like last night which was the first time the kids had to see him this drunk). We don’t have much in common either and when we do things together it’s mostly with the kids. We’ve talked about separating before but as a child of divorced parents myself I really really didn’t want my kids to go through that. I think yesterday’s incident made me think whether I’m doing the kids a favor or not, as I honestly would want them to have higher standards of their marriage than I do myself..

Separately, should I reach out to my kids’ friend’s mom who he called last night? Not sure if or how to apologize on his behalf . Argh.

[Anonymous]

Certain meds will make having one beer feel like 3, 2 like 6, etc . Get on psych today and look for substance use experience - ask for referrals if the person is full. If there is abuse, you can look at JCADA which has free therapy and legal help oriented towards keeping you safe. They will refer you elsewhere if it is truly not abuse.

You might also examine if your spouse had a concussion/head injury history (even if long ago).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems like a vast overreaction to a one time event — and I’m a person that has very little tolerance for overindulging. I would divorce an alcoholic in a heartbeat, but this isn’t what this sounds like. A kid seeing their parent being a jerky, hot mess one time isn’t something you split up over.

A jerky, drunk, hot mess who yelled at their mom, bumped into walls because he couldn’t walk straight and drunk called people including one of their friends’ mom and asked her to witness that he wasn’t drunk? I don’t feel I’m
overreacting

To get divorced because of this incident one time? Yes 100% that would be an overreaction and I have a very low tolerance for drinking. Saying this is NOT OKAY and cannot ever happen again and try to get to the root of what is going on/what happened? That is totally appropriate and of course it is ok to be upset. But people are reacting to you bringing up divorce for a one time incident which if the marriage is typically good does not seem appropriate. But maybe there is more we don't know. It sounds awful op, I am not at all dismissing that this sounds like an awful incident but what the heck happened? If this is so out of the norm figure out what the heck is going on but dont jump to divorcing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry you are going through this OP. You are a good mom for thinking about the well being of your kids first. Setting aside the drunk incident last night (which was not ok in my opinion), are you experiencing other issues in your marriage? Have you been happy otherwise or are there other aspects that bother/worry you that makes this feel like the final straw?

Thank you for your kind words. It really helps.

I think you make a very good observation. If I’m honest with myself, I don’t think I’ve been happy for quite some time. We get along fine and co-parent well and he does more than his fair share around the house and with the kids (more than me on balance probably). But there isn’t much love left and he tends to get very argumentative when he drinks (though not like last night which was the first time the kids had to see him this drunk). We don’t have much in common either and when we do things together it’s mostly with the kids. We’ve talked about separating before but as a child of divorced parents myself I really really didn’t want my kids to go through that. I think yesterday’s incident made me think whether I’m doing the kids a favor or not, as I honestly would want them to have higher standards of their marriage than I do myself..

Separately, should I reach out to my kids’ friend’s mom who he called last night? Not sure if or how to apologize on his behalf . Argh.

Ugh sorry op, I just saw this after my last post. The way you mention argumentative when he drinks sounds like it is more than a one time thing. Do you think he has an alcohol problem? You sound like a really good human and mom! I hope you all are able to work this out but agree he needs to get help and you are not overreacting that this is NOT OKAY. I just was reacting to the divorce part.

[Anonymous]

God help me if i were married to someone who freaked out over 1 bad night in 15 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry you are going through this OP. You are a good mom for thinking about the well being of your kids first. Setting aside the drunk incident last night (which was not ok in my opinion), are you experiencing other issues in your marriage? Have you been happy otherwise or are there other aspects that bother/worry you that makes this feel like the final straw?

Thank you for your kind words. It really helps.

I think you make a very good observation. If I’m honest with myself, I don’t think I’ve been happy for quite some time. We get along fine and co-parent well and he does more than his fair share around the house and with the kids (more than me on balance probably). But there isn’t much love left and he tends to get very argumentative when he drinks (though not like last night which was the first time the kids had to see him this drunk). We don’t have much in common either and when we do things together it’s mostly with the kids. We’ve talked about separating before but as a child of divorced parents myself I really really didn’t want my kids to go through that. I think yesterday’s incident made me think whether I’m doing the kids a favor or not, as I honestly would want them to have higher standards of their marriage than I do myself..

Separately, should I reach out to my kids’ friend’s mom who he called last night? Not sure if or how to apologize on his behalf . Argh.

Therapy therapy therapy for you op. Don’t try to make this decision by yourself without the help of a really good, experienced counselor or therapist that you trust and can help you think this through.

As someone who has had to make this type of calculation for myself it is really overwhelming and depressing and you should understand that you do not have to make a final decision right now at this minute.

Also do NOT take the other posters position as gospel. It is very easy for a random stranger to say that someone else’s husband is abusive or a cheater or a secret alcoholic and it is time to leave. That is the standard on this board because frankly a lot of us have troubled and unhappy marriages and we wish that we could leave easily but it is simply NOT that easy. Trust yourself that you know about the good in your husband and you married him for valid reasons.

Also a lot of us don’t have much in common with our husbands. I am a lawyer and very nerdy and my husband has never even read a novel.

Mind you that I am not telling you necessarily to stay but that once divorce is on the table it is so tempting and the idea of escaping a bad situation can feel really good, but this isn’t just about feelings, there is a lot on the table.