Reply to For those who struggle with ILs, do you feel guilty?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Some of these posters are so spot on with their nearly identical experiences.  I tried, I really really tried.  None of my frustrations were over petty stuff like holidays or family traditions.  It's more about in-laws who have spent the past twenty years reclusive, irritable, antisocial and so downright bizarre that it's obvious there are bigger problems at play.

I wanted to overlook this for the sake of the grandkids, but every.single.thing was so excruciatingly difficult that I eventually followed the age-old advice and stopped caring.  They are uninvolved grandparents and don't know a single thing about me, which made it easier.  I wanted a sliver of a normal in-law relationship and it took me a long time to realize that wouldn't happen.[/quote]

Agree. Early on I really felt the issue was me and that I needed to just learn to adapt better to DH's family. But one thing that started to reveal itself over time is that the things that were really hard about my ILs actually drove my DH even more crazy than me. Early on he would not have admitted that and I worked hard to overlook the rigidity, rudeness, unwelcoming behaviors out of respect for DH and wanting to have positive relationships with his family. But the further we got into building a good, functional family of our own, the more annoyed HE became with them.

In the end, he was the one who suggested we start staying in an AirBnB when we visited them, doing shorter visits, and visiting less often. At this point, I am the one who often has to encourage him to plan visits out of obligation. They really are the problem.

And lest you think I'm being smug about my own family, nope. I have two siblings who are frankly impossible and we rarely interact with them. My parents can also be a challenge but live far away -- we commit to one visit to them a year and they visit us once and I make sure they get plenty of FaceTime with grandkids. It works for us. I don't believe in cutting family out of your life unless they are literally abusing you. But strong boundaries and knowing your own limits? Absolutely. If your family is making you miserable, it's time to reduce the amount of time you spend with your family and/or change the way you interact with them. You don't just have to suffer.[/quote]

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