DH pressuring me to make more money

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is nuts. Have you checked your bank accounts and credit card statements to make sure your husband hasn’t done something crazy with all your money? Or maybe check a credit report to see if there are any fishy loans?

I don’t understand why you guys need more money. If your husband is stressed out over his job and finances, see where you can cut back so your husband can decrease his hours or something.

NP. The bold occurred to me too. Do this, OP. But be aware that he also could have hidden money from you. Are all your accounts joint so you can see everything, or does he possibly have accounts you can't access? I'd wonder about gambling, or terrible investments, etc. The "meanness" you mention and the fact he's pressuring you when you make a positively gigantic income part-time AND do all the kid stuff -- that's a sign he's got some reason, either legit or shady, for panicking about money. Could be a setup re: alimony and child support, could be he's in debt and you have no idea, could even be that he's having a mental break and is paranoid about your lifestyle ending.....

I'd start with the excellent advice someone gave early on, the checklist of "here's what I do with/for the kids/household and here is what you need to estimate re: hiring it out" and see how he reacts to that. And when I gave it to him, I'd say point blank, "I feel pressured by you about this, and I don't know why you suddenly are so intense about my making more money. Are there debts don't know about, or do you have plans I don't know about yet that mean we need more money? Please be specific." Sit and look him straight in the eye and wait for an answer.

I do admit though that I find $190k for part-time federal work to be eye-popping and not totally believable, even in top level law as a fed, unless you are a world-class expert on something fairly obscure but essential. Any chance you're trying to disguse the real job/amount as cover so you or the job can't be ID'd here?

It sounds like OP is saying she works 4 10s at a financial regulator.

[Anonymous]

Does he want a divorce? I can see this as motivation for asking you to work more to potentially lower his child support or spousal support payments.

I would say no.

[Anonymous]

It does sound really suspicious, and I hope there’s no secret debt or divorce lurking. Can you live on $380 k? If not are you willing to cut back to a life style where you can? I know people in big law with huge private school payments and huge mortgages and it does seem stressful. I think it’s fair to express that you are not willing to work more but would be happy to help him have less pressure financially if you really mean it. I would feel stressed being locked into a life that required that kind of income long term but that doesn’t mean that you have to take that burden on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It does sound really suspicious, and I hope there’s no secret debt or divorce lurking. Can you live on $380 k? If not are you willing to cut back to a life style where you can? I know people in big law with huge private school payments and huge mortgages and it does seem stressful. I think it’s fair to express that you are not willing to work more but would be happy to help him have less pressure financially if you really mean it. I would feel stressed being locked into a life that required that kind of income long term but that doesn’t mean that you have to take that burden on.

PS it would also be normal to feel like he isn’t valuing what you do keeping your family running. I have less advise on that, aside from leaving him in charge for a week or two for a reality check

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is nuts. Have you checked your bank accounts and credit card statements to make sure your husband hasn’t done something crazy with all your money? Or maybe check a credit report to see if there are any fishy loans?

I don’t understand why you guys need more money. If your husband is stressed out over his job and finances, see where you can cut back so your husband can decrease his hours or something.

NP. The bold occurred to me too. Do this, OP. But be aware that he also could have hidden money from you. Are all your accounts joint so you can see everything, or does he possibly have accounts you can't access? I'd wonder about gambling, or terrible investments, etc. The "meanness" you mention and the fact he's pressuring you when you make a positively gigantic income part-time AND do all the kid stuff -- that's a sign he's got some reason, either legit or shady, for panicking about money. Could be a setup re: alimony and child support, could be he's in debt and you have no idea, could even be that he's having a mental break and is paranoid about your lifestyle ending.....

I'd start with the excellent advice someone gave early on, the checklist of "here's what I do with/for the kids/household and here is what you need to estimate re: hiring it out" and see how he reacts to that. And when I gave it to him, I'd say point blank, "I feel pressured by you about this, and I don't know why you suddenly are so intense about my making more money. Are there debts don't know about, or do you have plans I don't know about yet that mean we need more money? Please be specific." Sit and look him straight in the eye and wait for an answer.

I do admit though that I find $190k for part-time federal work to be eye-popping and not totally believable, even in top level law as a fed, unless you are a world-class expert on something fairly obscure but essential. Any chance you're trying to disguse the real job/amount as cover so you or the job can't be ID'd here?

It sounds like OP is saying she works 4 10s at a financial regulator.

Not to nitpick but I'm gonna nitpick: Four 10s is full-time and she said part-time. Anyway, her DH is still nuts for pressuring her to get another job if she's making $190k working at home, whether it's four 10s or something else.

[Anonymous]

If this is real, it raises red flags. Is he cheating on you? Gambling addiction? Mental health issues?

My DH is a big law partner, I was also a lawyer who went part time and now SAH. My DH doesn’t make nearly as much as yours, but he works crazy hours, there’s no way he would want me to go back to work and put even MORE stress on his plate. My kids are younger, but even with yours being older, there’s a ton of stuff to do on the home front that can’t be done when both parents are working insane hours. He focuses on work, I deal with basically everything else, and he knows how lucky he is never to get the call from the school nurse or have to deal with broken appliances or vet visits.

1.4 is a ton of money. If he is unhappy or stressed, he should get out. Hopefully you have lots saved for an emergency fund. 190 is also plenty to live on unless you have a massive mortgage and private school. Maybe you need major life style changes, but you attempting to make more than 190 while also doing all the home stuff is insanity. It’s not like you’re working 20 hours a week at Target for minimum wage!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:$190k part time attorney in federal government? There is no such thing. Dumb troll.

This is what jumped out at me as well. Part time jobs with the government are hard to come by and 190k is off the GS level pay scale. I don’t know if any financial agencies or SES that are part time …

[Anonymous]

The OP shouldn’t have said part time, which most think is half time. 4 out of 5 days is closer to fukk time.

Good advice so far, from a math perspective, could you hire two full time staff to work in shifta, pay them each 60K or so, to handle kid chauffer duties, house cleaning and maintenance, pet walking, basicaly all errands like grocery, cooking, etc. I mean there is 1.4 million available with a part time job.

[Anonymous]

Why are people continuing to reply to this post? The OP hasn’t bothered to answer a single question

[Anonymous]

Sorry, I think he may be preparing for divorce and wants to pay you less alimony.

DH earns $2m+ and I’m a SAHM. Our youngest is in kindergarten. DH prefers I stay home because it would be an inconvenience for him if he had to share in child duties:

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is nuts. Have you checked your bank accounts and credit card statements to make sure your husband hasn’t done something crazy with all your money? Or maybe check a credit report to see if there are any fishy loans?

I don’t understand why you guys need more money. If your husband is stressed out over his job and finances, see where you can cut back so your husband can decrease his hours or something.

NP. The bold occurred to me too. Do this, OP. But be aware that he also could have hidden money from you. Are all your accounts joint so you can see everything, or does he possibly have accounts you can't access? I'd wonder about gambling, or terrible investments, etc. The "meanness" you mention and the fact he's pressuring you when you make a positively gigantic income part-time AND do all the kid stuff -- that's a sign he's got some reason, either legit or shady, for panicking about money. Could be a setup re: alimony and child support, could be he's in debt and you have no idea, could even be that he's having a mental break and is paranoid about your lifestyle ending.....

I'd start with the excellent advice someone gave early on, the checklist of "here's what I do with/for the kids/household and here is what you need to estimate re: hiring it out" and see how he reacts to that. And when I gave it to him, I'd say point blank, "I feel pressured by you about this, and I don't know why you suddenly are so intense about my making more money. Are there debts don't know about, or do you have plans I don't know about yet that mean we need more money? Please be specific." Sit and look him straight in the eye and wait for an answer.

I do admit though that I find $190k for part-time federal work to be eye-popping and not totally believable, even in top level law as a fed, unless you are a world-class expert on something fairly obscure but essential. Any chance you're trying to disguse the real job/amount as cover so you or the job can't be ID'd here?

It sounds like OP is saying she works 4 10s at a financial regulator.

Four 10s isn’t part time.

[Anonymous]

This whole thread is meaningless without some sort of budget breakdown to figure out how things are now so tight on 1.6mil/yr that you need to ramp up and get more income coming in.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible that your DH has a number he wants to hit for retirement, and wants to hit that number a bit earlier than currently projected?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:$190k part time attorney in federal government? There is no such thing. Dumb troll.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I think he may be preparing for divorce and wants to pay you less alimony.

DH earns $2m+ and I’m a SAHM. Our youngest is in kindergarten. DH prefers I stay home because it would be an inconvenience for him if he had to share in child duties:

I mean you’ve got some pretty big problems yourself