DH pressuring me to make more money

[Anonymous]

OP, has your husband explained why he wants your family income to increase when you currently sit at nearly $1.6M of annual income? This makes no sense and would make me think he has ulterior motives.

How is the health of your marriage?

[Anonymous]

He’s nuts-tell him no.

[Anonymous]

I too think that you might be being set up for a child support/alimony issue. I would ask to go marriage counseling, and then go in with the list of everything you do that would need to be outsourced. And if he isn't trying to set you up, try to figure out what is driving this---does he think that you could reasonably get a counsel/service partner job at a firm with a 4 day week and double your salary? How long have you been with the government and how close are you to a pension---that should factor in as well. Is his firm practice unstable such that he is worried that he can't reliably generate $1.4M/year?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does your family need more money for? Has he discussed that? Based on the numbers you aren’t starving so maybe start there to figure out what this is really about.

Given that he’s gotten “mean” I have to wonder if he is staring down the barrel of child support/alimony calculations. Beware OP.

This is exactly what I was wondering. How is your marriage otherwise OP…?

[Anonymous]

why would he NOT ask her to do this? as the primary breadwinner, i'm exhausted and stressed all the time. op i'm sure you're happy bc you have a low stress life and part time job subsidized by someone else's labor. it's COMPLETELY fair enough that you shoulder some of the burden for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:why would he NOT ask her to do this? as the primary breadwinner, i'm exhausted and stressed all the time. op i'm sure you're happy bc you have a low stress life and part time job subsidized by someone else's labor. it's COMPLETELY fair enough that you shoulder some of the burden for a while.

He should find a job that isn’t as exhausting and stressful then. They will do fine on $380k/yr.

It’s idiotic to have two people burning the candles at both ends in biglaw. I should know, we did it for a decade.

[Anonymous]

This makes no sense. There is no reason you need a higher HHI. And if he is stressed why would he want to create a situation where you are both equally overstressed? Most people don’t make what he does, does he really think it’s normal or that you could land a job where this would be possible? Usually I think people on dcum are paranoid about divorce but is there any way this is about a planned divorce and child support or alimony?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:why would he NOT ask her to do this? as the primary breadwinner, i'm exhausted and stressed all the time. op i'm sure you're happy bc you have a low stress life and part time job subsidized by someone else's labor. it's COMPLETELY fair enough that you shoulder some of the burden for a while.

He should find a job that isn’t as exhausting and stressful then. They will do fine on $380k/yr.

It’s idiotic to have two people burning the candles at both ends in biglaw. I should know, we did it for a decade.

+1. The goal shouldn’t be to punish your spouse for being happy by making them miserable, it should be to adjust what you are doing so you can both be happy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This makes no sense. There is no reason you need a higher HHI. And if he is stressed why would he want to create a situation where you are both equally overstressed? Most people don’t make what he does, does he really think it’s normal or that you could land a job where this would be possible? Usually I think people on dcum are paranoid about divorce but is there any way this is about a planned divorce and child support or alimony?

If this is right, all the more reason to go to a recruiter and find out that this really is a very hard move. Better evidence in the divorce proceeding that OP can’t make major bank at a firm.

[Anonymous]

As the primary breadwinner, I would also like my spouse to step up professionally so I can relax a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the primary breadwinner, I would also like my spouse to step up professionally so I can relax a bit.

Relax? Or do you mean "So I can step in and be hands-on with the taking care of the children and running of the household?" If you think that the spouse making $190K isn't working hard at the job AND taking care of the household, you're willfully ignorant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the primary breadwinner, I would also like my spouse to step up professionally so I can relax a bit.

If your spouse is making $190k they’re already stepping up plenty.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is nuts. Have you checked your bank accounts and credit card statements to make sure your husband hasn’t done something crazy with all your money? Or maybe check a credit report to see if there are any fishy loans?

I don’t understand why you guys need more money. If your husband is stressed out over his job and finances, see where you can cut back so your husband can decrease his hours or something.

[Anonymous]

OP, just for context, I recently interviewed for a remote in-house gig at a major company. They’re paying $200k. I have 10 years of biglaw experience. More pay is probably not as readily available as he imagines.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is nuts. Have you checked your bank accounts and credit card statements to make sure your husband hasn’t done something crazy with all your money? Or maybe check a credit report to see if there are any fishy loans?

I don’t understand why you guys need more money. If your husband is stressed out over his job and finances, see where you can cut back so your husband can decrease his hours or something.

NP. The bold occurred to me too. Do this, OP. But be aware that he also could have hidden money from you. Are all your accounts joint so you can see everything, or does he possibly have accounts you can't access? I'd wonder about gambling, or terrible investments, etc. The "meanness" you mention and the fact he's pressuring you when you make a positively gigantic income part-time AND do all the kid stuff -- that's a sign he's got some reason, either legit or shady, for panicking about money. Could be a setup re: alimony and child support, could be he's in debt and you have no idea, could even be that he's having a mental break and is paranoid about your lifestyle ending.....

I'd start with the excellent advice someone gave early on, the checklist of "here's what I do with/for the kids/household and here is what you need to estimate re: hiring it out" and see how he reacts to that. And when I gave it to him, I'd say point blank, "I feel pressured by you about this, and I don't know why you suddenly are so intense about my making more money. Are there debts don't know about, or do you have plans I don't know about yet that mean we need more money? Please be specific." Sit and look him straight in the eye and wait for an answer.

I do admit though that I find $190k for part-time federal work to be eye-popping and not totally believable, even in top level law as a fed, unless you are a world-class expert on something fairly obscure but essential. Any chance you're trying to disguse the real job/amount as cover so you or the job can't be ID'd here?