DD 16 attempted suicide Friday. Need tips for ME.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you everyone. My husband and I just got back from a visit with her, which was then followed by the "family meeting" which was all about the "safety plan" but it kind of didn't go so well, mostly because the therapist decided to focus on DD's responses and attitude which went downhill quickly about a topic not even related to safety. Im tired. More later.

[Anonymous]

OP - I noted that you did not mention DH in your posts at least in most so I am hoping that the two of you can support each other on the journey ahead and perhaps it would be wise to get some professional counseling to assist you both in helping DD through the tough road ahead.
If DD is so troubled, it would be wise to get parameters from a professional on boundaries especially for DH as she could lash out at either one of you in different ways so there is a need to protect yourselves, too. I am very glad that you found resources to help her in the immediate future. Have you ever been in touch with the local NAMI group as it might be one resource for you in which you could share with other parents who are facing difficult situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you everyone. My husband and I just got back from a visit with her, which was then followed by the "family meeting" which was all about the "safety plan" but it kind of didn't go so well, mostly because the therapist decided to focus on DD's responses and attitude which went downhill quickly about a topic not even related to safety. Im tired. More later.

This is hard. These kids are already so worn and reactive and there are things that just trigger them emotionally. It's OK for the meeting to have been rocky, that's the nature of this situation. Continue to be gentle with yourselves and lean on supports (self-care, counselors, parents who have been through it).

[Anonymous]

OP here. Things are moving in better directions. Im feeling better with some sleep and a lot of f*** it moments relating chores. Discharge is Sunday so there is enough time to do things I need to do.

Finally talked to a psychiatrist regarding the medication taper and her reasoning and communication was exactly what I needed to hear. DD is doing well, is not and has not been reactive or problematic. Aside from one panic attack on her 2nd night that subsided.

DH (stepdad) has been with me in every single moment to a degree that is made possible by how wonderful he is as well as his own experiences with his own kids who are now adults.

We have no real family here. We have a few good friends. I have only this one child so my load is lighter in that regard. I started a new job recently that is part time 100% telecommute and very flexible so I am in a good place with that.

The one thing I am seeing very clearly is that I cannot rely on any of these professionals to provide definitive guidance. I have a few data points from a few people that are very valuable and I can take those and build on them to find the appropriate steps.

Right now its kind of focused on getting her to the next step, PHP, which will be there in Hagerstown and I will need to find a place to work on my laptop because its an hour away and I cant drive 4 hours per day. I will have to stay put.

I may rent a hotel room (most expensive option) to work by day and also have comfort to stretch out and veg out if needed.

I may need to find some other option if I cant afford that.

Thank you for your kind words of support.

[Anonymous]

OP again, I get the feeling that this place deals with a lot of angry and aggressive kids as opposed to freaked out anxious fearful/suicidal kids.

I say this because their rules handout focused ONLY on anger and how to manage anger with consequences that include restraint if all else fails. Weird that this is the only focus of the information.

Nothing at all about how to handle feelings of anxiety ad fearfulness. Or even a general set of things to do regarding emotions.

Like anger is the only negative emotion being focused on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best advice is to make sure that you have someone you can be absolutely honest with about your feelings/frustrations/fears/etc. For a lot of us it feels uncomfortable to talk openly about how it's affecting us because we don't want to seem like we are not focusing on our child. Or we can feel like we need to protect our child's privacy or that we don't want our family's "stuff" out there in the world.

But you need to have an outlet where you can speak out loud all the things you are thinking and feeling so you can process it, get comfort, get angry, cry...whatever it is you need to be able to stay healthy and strong for your child.

It helps if it's not someone in the midst of it with you, like a spouse or parent, but instead someone who a little distance but who you implicitly trust. For me it was a childhood friend in another state who I knew had been through this with a family member. For my spouse it was a therapist because it felt safer to share those thoughts with someone who was trained to listen.

I say even though I could not have followed this advice myself in the early days because it felt so hard to even say some things out loud. So if you can't do this now, that's ok. Just give yourself permission to start thinking about who you'll talk to when you're ready to talk.

This is good advice. You may not need a therapist, but, having a trusted friend (who is not necessarily close to the situation) will help. It also cuts down on the likelihood of gossip spreading. It is hard to protect your kid's privacy and find a friend/friends you can confide in.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I have a few people with kids who made attempts who are now thriving, so I have those "I can say anything" people.

As to friends and gossip, noone here cares about that, especially not her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay busy.

This is the only way I can cope in utter chaos is to stay really busy. Helps with the anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Not trying to mess with your plans, but there are a lot of PHPs in this area, so do a little research. If your gut is "off" about it pay attention. They are not all created equal.

FWIW -- we did Dominion and it sucked. My friend's kid went through Newport in Rockville and had a good experience. I have also heard good things about Embark.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not trying to mess with your plans, but there are a lot of PHPs in this area, so do a little research. If your gut is "off" about it pay attention. They are not all created equal.

FWIW -- we did Dominion and it sucked. My friend's kid went through Newport in Rockville and had a good experience. I have also heard good things about Embark.

Ive done all the research.

No other place takes BCBS.

No other local place is in person.

PHP experience won't be the same as in person. There is no way to tell in advance if it will suck. This place isnt all bad. Like I said, the psychiatrist was the best Ive spoken to, in fact the best in the entirety of DD's journey these past 3 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay busy.

This is the only way I can cope in utter chaos is to stay really busy. Helps with the anxiety.

OP here, yeah I'm about half and half. I need some busy and some "sit and stare". I find it super easy to focus on work and super hard to focus on chores.

The chores need to be done to prep home for DD's return. Pills and sharps locked away etc.

[Anonymous]

NP but I’m so sorry. We haven’t had an actual suicide attempt but we have dealt with the threats of it and violence against other family members. There has been police involvement and a lot of mental health treatment.

How I help me - let the house go. No cleaning or cooking. Order take out every single meal if you have to. That’s what I’m doing this week to get by. When you can manage, put in a grocery delivery order for frozen prepared food to have quick things to throw in the oven, especially if you have other kids.

When I have to do laundry, throw it all in without separating and then throw it all in the dryer. Order athletic clothes if you don’t have them. I sometimes even wear them to work now if I can’t manage anything else.

Confide in people who will be supportive. They may not be the closest people to you. My parents, siblings and closest friends have not been a supportive system for me and give not helpful unsupportive advice. People who I’ve thought of as more of acquaintances but who can relate and some coworkers have been an amazing support system and it’s been a huge relief to have people to talk to.

If you can, find a therapist and even marriage counseling if you start fighting more. We did with the stress and it made it worse. Counseling for us helped.

[Anonymous]

OP I am so sorry you are dealing with this. My situation is different. My daughter has life threatening medical issues. I absolutely have to get exercise, get sunshine or at least fresh air and eat healthy every day. It is the only way I survive. The friend who shows up with icecream or wine cares and I have those friends, but I had to learn to advocate for what helps me. Just knowing they care helps. Don't bring the wine and tub of icecream. When I went that route I was unable to function because I felt so lousy.

Therapy also helps of course. Also, going back to friends, I made sure i appreciated and respected anyone who cared. Some friends will text now and then and that is lovely. Some will want to do anything and everything and that is lovely. Some need space for their own problems and may not reach out, but when things are going well you can just enjoy things and not get too deep with them. That is lovely too. Some friends mean well and say or do things that make you feel worse. I just appreciate the good intentions and spend time with those I find helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again, I get the feeling that this place deals with a lot of angry and aggressive kids as opposed to freaked out anxious fearful/suicidal kids.

I say this because their rules handout focused ONLY on anger and how to manage anger with consequences that include restraint if all else fails. Weird that this is the only focus of the information.

Nothing at all about how to handle feelings of anxiety ad fearfulness. Or even a general set of things to do regarding emotions.

Like anger is the only negative emotion being focused on.

Anger and grief are closely related

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not trying to mess with your plans, but there are a lot of PHPs in this area, so do a little research. If your gut is "off" about it pay attention. They are not all created equal.

FWIW -- we did Dominion and it sucked. My friend's kid went through Newport in Rockville and had a good experience. I have also heard good things about Embark.

Ive done all the research.

No other place takes BCBS.

No other local place is in person.

PHP experience won't be the same as in person. There is no way to tell in advance if it will suck. This place isnt all bad. Like I said, the psychiatrist was the best Ive spoken to, in fact the best in the entirety of DD's journey these past 3 years.

Hi, OP. I am feeling for you in such a big way. We have been there, even Brook Lane. I think PHPs and IOPs are just like mental health care anywhere: you have to pray that you find a qualified team your kid clicks with. We actually had decent luck with Brook Lane in patient, but we couldn't do their local services for job and family reasons.

You are likely going to step down from PHP to an IOP, and you could accelerate this if the PHP is not a match (hopefully it will be!). Heartwood Group in Bethesda is solid care and takes BCBS. It's in person, and after school. They can have a waitlist, so you may want to do the intake to get a place in line. I know, I know. Not another intake!!! Exhausting.

Just know there is another mom out there rooting for you tonight. Your care and devotion are coming through in all your posts.