DD 16 attempted suicide Friday. Need tips for ME.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I am so sorry you are dealing with this. My situation is different. My daughter has life threatening medical issues. I absolutely have to get exercise, get sunshine or at least fresh air and eat healthy every day. It is the only way I survive. The friend who shows up with icecream or wine cares and I have those friends, but I had to learn to advocate for what helps me. Just knowing they care helps. Don't bring the wine and tub of icecream. When I went that route I was unable to function because I felt so lousy.

Therapy also helps of course. Also, going back to friends, I made sure i appreciated and respected anyone who cared. Some friends will text now and then and that is lovely. Some will want to do anything and everything and that is lovely. Some need space for their own problems and may not reach out, but when things are going well you can just enjoy things and not get too deep with them. That is lovely too. Some friends mean well and say or do things that make you feel worse. I just appreciate the good intentions and spend time with those I find helpful.

+ 1 This is beautifully said. I’ve dealt with a series of life-threatening medical crises at home over the last few years, and going for a walk was all the self-care I could muster on some days. And that was enough. I found such reassurance and comfort in knowing that whatever happened at home or at the hospital, I could always find the time and energy to go for a walk.

PP also captured my experience with friends” reactions perfectly. I described this series of crises as a trust fall, except you don’t know how far you are falling or whether anyone is going to catch you. Some of the people I expected to catch me didn’t. For their own reasons, they weren’t in a position to do that. Many people I never expected to were there for me and my family in ways I never imagined.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My best advice is to make sure that you have someone you can be absolutely honest with about your feelings/frustrations/fears/etc. For a lot of us it feels uncomfortable to talk openly about how it's affecting us because we don't want to seem like we are not focusing on our child. Or we can feel like we need to protect our child's privacy or that we don't want our family's "stuff" out there in the world.

But you need to have an outlet where you can speak out loud all the things you are thinking and feeling so you can process it, get comfort, get angry, cry...whatever it is you need to be able to stay healthy and strong for your child.

It helps if it's not someone in the midst of it with you, like a spouse or parent, but instead someone who a little distance but who you implicitly trust. For me it was a childhood friend in another state who I knew had been through this with a family member. For my spouse it was a therapist because it felt safer to share those thoughts with someone who was trained to listen.

I say even though I could not have followed this advice myself in the early days because it felt so hard to even say some things out loud. So if you can't do this now, that's ok. Just give yourself permission to start thinking about who you'll talk to when you're ready to talk.

This is good advice. You may not need a therapist, but, having a trusted friend (who is not necessarily close to the situation) will help. It also cuts down on the likelihood of gossip spreading. It is hard to protect your kid's privacy and find a friend/friends you can confide in.

I gently disagree with this. I think a therapist is the person you can go to with it ALL, every dark thought you may have and all your deep feelings. You want your friends to feel good supporting you and you don't want to drag them down with you. It is sometimes hard to read when it's just too much for them. I had a different situation, but before I got therapy I felt like I was bringing them down with me and they have their own lives and stresssors. Now I can get all those fears out with a professional and process them and enjoy my friends and the much needed distraction they bring. Friends won't always set a boundary when it's just too much and society has all these sayings about friendship that set up unrealistic and unfair expectations. Spread things out and take the really hard stuff to someone with the background to truly help you work through it and stay resilient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again, I get the feeling that this place deals with a lot of angry and aggressive kids as opposed to freaked out anxious fearful/suicidal kids.

I say this because their rules handout focused ONLY on anger and how to manage anger with consequences that include restraint if all else fails. Weird that this is the only focus of the information.

Nothing at all about how to handle feelings of anxiety ad fearfulness. Or even a general set of things to do regarding emotions.

Like anger is the only negative emotion being focused on.

Wow - don’t they do any DBT for personal And family therapy at all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My best advice is to make sure that you have someone you can be absolutely honest with about your feelings/frustrations/fears/etc. For a lot of us it feels uncomfortable to talk openly about how it's affecting us because we don't want to seem like we are not focusing on our child. Or we can feel like we need to protect our child's privacy or that we don't want our family's "stuff" out there in the world.

But you need to have an outlet where you can speak out loud all the things you are thinking and feeling so you can process it, get comfort, get angry, cry...whatever it is you need to be able to stay healthy and strong for your child.

It helps if it's not someone in the midst of it with you, like a spouse or parent, but instead someone who a little distance but who you implicitly trust. For me it was a childhood friend in another state who I knew had been through this with a family member. For my spouse it was a therapist because it felt safer to share those thoughts with someone who was trained to listen.

I say even though I could not have followed this advice myself in the early days because it felt so hard to even say some things out loud. So if you can't do this now, that's ok. Just give yourself permission to start thinking about who you'll talk to when you're ready to talk.

This is good advice. You may not need a therapist, but, having a trusted friend (who is not necessarily close to the situation) will help. It also cuts down on the likelihood of gossip spreading. It is hard to protect your kid's privacy and find a friend/friends you can confide in.

I gently disagree with this. I think a therapist is the person you can go to with it ALL, every dark thought you may have and all your deep feelings. You want your friends to feel good supporting you and you don't want to drag them down with you. It is sometimes hard to read when it's just too much for them. I had a different situation, but before I got therapy I felt like I was bringing them down with me and they have their own lives and stresssors. Now I can get all those fears out with a professional and process them and enjoy my friends and the much needed distraction they bring. Friends won't always set a boundary when it's just too much and society has all these sayings about friendship that set up unrealistic and unfair expectations. Spread things out and take the really hard stuff to someone with the background to truly help you work through it and stay resilient.

I completely agree - as a parent of a teen with similar issues - we needed and continue to need personal
And family therapists trained in DBT communication skills.

Best wishes OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again, I get the feeling that this place deals with a lot of angry and aggressive kids as opposed to freaked out anxious fearful/suicidal kids.

I say this because their rules handout focused ONLY on anger and how to manage anger with consequences that include restraint if all else fails. Weird that this is the only focus of the information.

Nothing at all about how to handle feelings of anxiety ad fearfulness. Or even a general set of things to do regarding emotions.

Like anger is the only negative emotion being focused on.

Having been through this, I think that’s because it’s acute care. The only thing they can really address in that setting is the immediate crisis and anything that affects safety in the inpatient setting. Dealing with anxiety is a long and more intensive process, which will hopefully start at PHP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again, I get the feeling that this place deals with a lot of angry and aggressive kids as opposed to freaked out anxious fearful/suicidal kids.

I say this because their rules handout focused ONLY on anger and how to manage anger with consequences that include restraint if all else fails. Weird that this is the only focus of the information.

Nothing at all about how to handle feelings of anxiety ad fearfulness. Or even a general set of things to do regarding emotions.

Like anger is the only negative emotion being focused on.

Having been through this, I think that’s because it’s acute care. The only thing they can really address in that setting is the immediate crisis and anything that affects safety in the inpatient setting. Dealing with anxiety is a long and more intensive process, which will hopefully start at PHP.

Agree. Look into a DBT program for after discharge but the crisis inpatient places don’t do that sort of thing. They are trying to keep the kids from hurting themselves or others. They take seat belts and sharp objects so you can hurt yourself much and then focus on anger management so you don’t hurt other kids. My kid got punched by another kid while inpatient because my kids wanted the other kid to follow rules of a game. Due to an error in the place’s own internal rules, I had actually met that other kid and had a long conversation with them so I was aware that the other kid had psychosis.
Anyway, I would not expect much actual progress to be made in patient. The greatest benefit for my kid was that it took away of the mystique/drama of hospitalization, and motivated them to participate in mental health treatment in a way that they had not previously been motivated. They had a glimpse of the downward spiral and decided they wanted something different, and then recommitted to therapy and medication. We did start DBT after that and for my kid it was much more helpful than talk therapy. From my very lay perspective, talk therapy seems helpful where there is a specific issue you need to work through, whereas DBT is more helpful when it is a mindset you need to re-set.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again, I get the feeling that this place deals with a lot of angry and aggressive kids as opposed to freaked out anxious fearful/suicidal kids.

I say this because their rules handout focused ONLY on anger and how to manage anger with consequences that include restraint if all else fails. Weird that this is the only focus of the information.

Nothing at all about how to handle feelings of anxiety ad fearfulness. Or even a general set of things to do regarding emotions.

Like anger is the only negative emotion being focused on.

Having been through this, I think that’s because it’s acute care. The only thing they can really address in that setting is the immediate crisis and anything that affects safety in the inpatient setting. Dealing with anxiety is a long and more intensive process, which will hopefully start at PHP.

Agree. Look into a DBT program for after discharge but the crisis inpatient places don’t do that sort of thing. They are trying to keep the kids from hurting themselves or others. They take seat belts and sharp objects so you can hurt yourself much and then focus on anger management so you don’t hurt other kids. My kid got punched by another kid while inpatient because my kids wanted the other kid to follow rules of a game. Due to an error in the place’s own internal rules, I had actually met that other kid and had a long conversation with them so I was aware that the other kid had psychosis.
Anyway, I would not expect much actual progress to be made in patient. The greatest benefit for my kid was that it took away of the mystique/drama of hospitalization, and motivated them to participate in mental health treatment in a way that they had not previously been motivated. They had a glimpse of the downward spiral and decided they wanted something different, and then recommitted to therapy and medication. We did start DBT after that and for my kid it was much more helpful than talk therapy. From my very lay perspective, talk therapy seems helpful where there is a specific issue you need to work through, whereas DBT is more helpful when it is a mindset you need to re-set.

Just want to second that DBT would be the ideal therapy. It's all about managing intense emotions and it is backed by research.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Been looking for DBT for a long time. All dead ends. No one takes insurance, no one has openings, etc etc.

At the ER I met a mom (social worker) with a child in crisis also. She said she had gotten her into a fancy DBT program only to find they did none of the real DBT work they claimed.

No magic cure, but DBT therapy is the one evidence based and therefore hardest to find. Also, people claim DBT training and dont have it. Ask me how know.

Meanwhile, DD got struck by a resident who had threatened her, and everything I did and DD did to advocate for her safety resulted in exactly what we hoped to avoid.

In fact I told the supervisor tonight that my gut told me something was going to take place that evening. It did. I had warned security and all staff. Was not enough.

She is now safe in isolation with 1on 1 staff. Sleeping. Its her last day/evening tomorrow. I hope they keep her isolated and tucked away. I they cant Ive told them Im coming to take her out.

A setback she didnt need. Thank goodness not hurt physically, but some nice PTSD coming. She had been bullied at school and struck in the classroom. Lather rinse repeat.

Im furious.

[Anonymous]

Oh goodness, OP. That's horrific for you and your daughter. Our child was not admitted to a local inpatient facility because there was "a violence threat" from another teen on the ward. So we stayed in the hospital emergency department while they searched out of state.

So do you have at least a PHP in place, somewhere for your DD to go after discharge?

[Anonymous]

Where are you located OP? There are DBT therapists in Bethesda who take BCBS: the DBT Group and Healthy Foundations. There are likely others in other areas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where are you located OP? There are DBT therapists in Bethesda who take BCBS: the DBT Group and Healthy Foundations. There are likely others in other areas.

counseling center of Maryland on woodmont near the di marco pizza place took insurance. The upside of a hospitalization is that it makes it a lot easier to show medical need for the insurance. It does take a bit of time to get it set up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh goodness, OP. That's horrific for you and your daughter. Our child was not admitted to a local inpatient facility because there was "a violence threat" from another teen on the ward. So we stayed in the hospital emergency department while they searched out of state.

So do you have at least a PHP in place, somewhere for your DD to go after discharge?

They discharged DD to us a day early since they could not keep her safe. She had to spend her last night in ICU. Which is a mattress on the floor of an otherwise empty floor. This was the SECOND time they had to keep her safe from a threat, a known threat. I cant even talk about it anymore.

The PHP that was available is their PHP. Their claim is that no one violent is admitted to the PHP program. Im not sure I believe them anymore.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP. My DC was physically assaulted twice by the same patient at Sheppard Pratt last fall. The first time, they promised us that it would never happen again. The second time, they started making all kinds of excuses about untrained, floater staff and a patient surge. It is one of the many traumas of mental health care, and it really, really sucks.

I really hope that your daughter is safe and the transition goes as smoothly as possible. Thinking of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. My DC was physically assaulted twice by the same patient at Sheppard Pratt last fall. The first time, they promised us that it would never happen again. The second time, they started making all kinds of excuses about untrained, floater staff and a patient surge. It is one of the many traumas of mental health care, and it really, really sucks.

I really hope that your daughter is safe and the transition goes as smoothly as possible. Thinking of you.

OP here. Thanks for this and I'm sorry you had that experience as well.

The only upside of this is that DD intends to do everything she can to never ever end up in that situation again. But it may not be up to her, so that is scary and sad.

[Anonymous]

Heartwood is the intensive out patient program under the umbrella of Healthy Foundations. They do use DBT. Do schedule an intake appointment with them. As others have said, they do take BCBS. Embark gave us a huge quote for cost, said they would not work with BCBS. There is also Helix, but don’t know if they take insurance. Our Ped suggested that group. Strongly suggest getting on some waitlists for IOP.