Would you move your 15-year-old across the country for a new dream job?

[Anonymous]

Lots of nos here, but I say yes.

We moved across the country the summer before I turned 15. I’d been in the same school district since kindergarten. It wasn’t easy, but I got into new sports (dropped soccer, picked up golf and skiing) and made new lifelong friends. (I’m still friends with people from my old town too.)

It really depends on you and your family—questions only you can answer—but it worked out for me. I’ve now lived all over the US, and I don’t think I would have been so adventurous if I hadn’t moved in high school.

[Anonymous]

Do you have family here? Can the kid stay here during the school year - like boarding school?

I am not sure there is a right answer. In HS I had a friend who was from another country. There was a coup or a revolution and her parents’ party was back in power after they had been living in exile. She lived with friends for her senior year while her parents went back to assume their cabinet level positions - but it was only a year.

[Anonymous]

This happens all the time so the idea that this is a terrible idea out of hand is over the top.

That said, I think it really, really, depends on the kid/your family. We tried to do this with our kids when they would have been going into 9th and 5th and the immediate, visceral negative reaction was enough for me to abandon the plan. They had moved several times before, but this proposed move hit differently for a variety or reasons (COVID upheaval, prior move that didn't work out).

On the other hand there are teens who love adventure and new places and they might welcome the change. They might also be flexible enough to appreciate the concept of a dream job for a parent and savvy enough to appreciate more money.
And this is 2023. It's not hard to keep in touch anymore.

I think only you and your spouse can really judge how your child is going to react and cope.

[Anonymous]

We moved across the country (not here, overseas) when I was halfway through high school (equivalent to junior year) because my dad had a great new job opportunity he wanted to pursue.
The system there is similar to the UK, with O levels and A levels.
I was the only one of my friend group to leave, and I was definitely worried about trying to make new friends as I am a bit introverted and nerdy - I wasn't sporty or talented musically/ artistically, but I always had perfect grades.
It ended up being a great move for me. I learned to make new friends, and how to be a good friend, at a crucial time in my life and have stayed close to them to this day.

I have a great memory of being the only kid in class to ace our first, super-tough math quiz. The following week, a few kids came up to me asking if we could do homework together and I made my first friends that way.

So yes, I think it can have a positive outcome for all.

[Anonymous]

My family moved across the country the summer before 9th grade. I had gone from K-8 in one place and was really reluctant to move. It ended up being great. We moved from an area with a lot of wealth, very cliquey and image focused, to a college town where people were more academic and generally nicer. I am convinced my high school experience was much better than it would have been if we hadn't moved.

But, as everyone else has said, it's dependent on the kid. And the summer before 9th is pretty different than the summer before 10th, where you're already established in high school, as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Friends, beautiful landscape, ample cultural opportunities, and a far better state university system.

Then I probably would do it. One of my neighbors moved her freshman twins from Northeast to West coast and we were all thinking she was nuts. Her kids are SO much happier there. They have made a ton of friends and love living on the west coast with better weather, more time outside, etc.

[Anonymous]

Does they want to eat food? Then yes.

[Anonymous]

Reading all of the responses saying "we did this and it was fine"...just keep in mind many of them probably didn't go through the massive upheavel of covid in addition to moving as they were growing up. That sounds like a lot for an adolescent to have to go through unnecessarily.

[Anonymous]

I think that it would depend on the kid if this i a kid who struggles to fit in and is finally in a good place socially and emotionally I wouldn't risk it.

Another reason I wouldn't do it is if the kid is POC and moving to a less diverse area. This happened to me as a teen and while the opportunities were nice it was very difficult being the only brown kid.

If they are generally speaking able to fit in anywhere I might would go for it

Especially if the new place has lots to offer.

[Anonymous]

Yes. It's actually exciting to try something new and make more friends. Especially if your kid plays sports or enjoys the school extracurriculars.

You are allowed to put yourself first.

[Anonymous]

What would you be leaving professionally?

[Anonymous]

It is highly depends on the child. We moved a lot, including internationally and including during the high school years. My kids handled it wonderfully, adjusted well, got admitted to several ivy league schools after HS graduation, never even went to therapist to deal with the transition. But I know really bad stories that include a lot of resentment from the child who was forced to move, depression, suicide attempts. Don't ask here. You know your child. Talk to your child. Talk to them early as a possibility of the relocation and test how they would react to that idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What would you be leaving professionally?

A good, stable, well-paying job, but with significant responsibilities that do not engage me. The new job would be only and precisely what I want to do. Plus a 100K salary bump.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely. Kids need to learn resilience.

Resilience develops from early life nurture not from breaking your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. If you've never had a teenager in crisis, you can't grasp how impulsive, vulnerable, irritable, and self-destructive a teenager without a support system/ small friend group, can be.

While this is true, there are also a good number of very emotionally healthy teens who would weather this change just fine. They might not be thrilled or happy about it, especially at first. But think of the confidence your child could have from managing this move, making a NEW group of great friends, and having a great time on a new coast.

Also you can start watching 90210 from the beginning because this is exactly what happens to Brenda and Brandon

If the move is against your child’s wishes, and he feels like he has no input, he may self-destruct just to spite you. I wouldn’t expect a, “Gee, mom, you were so right to uproot me and I gained so much confidence from this wonderful new change.”

This is just so dramatic. Yes it's possible. But if your child can only stay in their one known eco-system or their life falls apart, you may have other problems. I completely understand the argument that adolescence is a tough time for big changes. But just because it's difficult doesn't mean it's impossible to have a good outcome. Yes, your kid may go off the rails they are so upset. But I think if you go into a big move with the awareness that this might be hard for your kid, that helps a huge amount. You are able to support and help your kid thrive in a new spot. It still may not be their idea of fun, but to never entertain the idea at ALL is ridiculous.