Problems with my four year old. I need a super nanny.

[Anonymous]

I would love to help you with this!

1. Your kid has been alive for only 4 years and has no control over his circumstances.
2. He doesn’t owe you anything, and can’t communicate complex feelings. Think about how you feel when things are out of control, you are hungry and tired. You feel this way about your child!
3. You can change what you do, and the wonderful thing about kids is he will change in response.


So…..read two books: how to talk so your little kid will listen, and then the explosive Child.

While reading those sit your kid down and tell them you think they are trying really hard but the family routine isn’t working and you want them to help fix it.
Listen to them! Ask them questions - is there a time when they would like to get dressed? Take a bath?
Have a snack?

Then redo some timing - try to offer the things that help proactively instead of in defeat. - if he is grabbing food before dinner put on a show in a space he likes - could be at the table with a laptop, or on the couch - and give him a pre dinner snack of carrot sticks, apples, frozen peas, celery, really whatever veggies/fruits he likes. If he loves cheese cut up some slices. Ypu pick what will add or replace a piece of his dinner. And then you can praise him for hanging calmly while you fix dinner. When you sit down to eat with him make it short and sweet.


And dressing- maybe it will be easier to take a fun bath while you read a book to him and then put school clothes on at night.
It’s not traditional, but lots of kids can do that in the evening but not in the morning. If he’s wrinkles so what? If he can be calm and happy you are so successful!

Again he is 4 - the most important thing you can teach him is to be kind and problem solve, and to keep trying new things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This will get a bunch of “oh no, you should never do that!!” but we spanked for direct defiance like this.

Not for this kid. If he already is not scared of what his parents think, OP would have to go pretty far to get him in line, and from her original message, I don't think she has that in her. Only anger could get her to that place, and spanking when you are angry is not disciplining your child. It's taking out your grievances on the child.

[Anonymous]

1, 2, 3 Magic. Live it, breathe it, do it. After you do it you will see what was wrong. Which is you.
Unless your Dh hits you all the time and you him and you throw things at each other, in which case well duh.

[Anonymous]

Op, if your kid is so fast, you should get him into sports. Maybe it will get out some of his energy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would love to help you with this!

1. Your kid has been alive for only 4 years and has no control over his circumstances.
2. He doesn’t owe you anything, and can’t communicate complex feelings. Think about how you feel when things are out of control, you are hungry and tired. You feel this way about your child!
3. You can change what you do, and the wonderful thing about kids is he will change in response.


So…..read two books: how to talk so your little kid will listen, and then the explosive Child.

While reading those sit your kid down and tell them you think they are trying really hard but the family routine isn’t working and you want them to help fix it.
Listen to them! Ask them questions - is there a time when they would like to get dressed? Take a bath?
Have a snack?

Then redo some timing - try to offer the things that help proactively instead of in defeat. - if he is grabbing food before dinner put on a show in a space he likes - could be at the table with a laptop, or on the couch - and give him a pre dinner snack of carrot sticks, apples, frozen peas, celery, really whatever veggies/fruits he likes. If he loves cheese cut up some slices. Ypu pick what will add or replace a piece of his dinner. And then you can praise him for hanging calmly while you fix dinner. When you sit down to eat with him make it short and sweet.


And dressing- maybe it will be easier to take a fun bath while you read a book to him and then put school clothes on at night.
It’s not traditional, but lots of kids can do that in the evening but not in the morning. If he’s wrinkles so what? If he can be calm and happy you are so successful!

Again he is 4 - the most important thing you can teach him is to be kind and problem solve, and to keep trying new things.

What is this insane suggestion to cater to her 4 year old even more???
Are you trying to teach her how to be an even worse parent and allow him to be a bigger monster?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again. So give me an example. If he hits me or kicks me do I give him a time out? (For us time out means going in your room) sometimes he doesn’t care ither times he hangs on the door. Feel like we’ve tried this so many times and the behavior didn’t change. What is something I do in the moment?

By now you should have been reading 1, 2, 3 Magic instead you are procrastinating and finding excuses.
Do not hit mom or anyone. First warning. You will lose your fav toy.
Second warning as you see he is about to hit. You hit me again your “fav toy” is going to the garbage.
Third warning. Repeat. Then take away his toy while he watches, and let him see you throw it away in the garage trash. When he picks it up, from that trash, strap him in his car seat. Drive to public trash can, throw it away and drive off.
No yelling, no relenting, no negotiating. Toy gone. He will cry, you do not react nor are mad just calm.

[Anonymous]

Pp who said it’s catering - no. She is getting into insane power struggles with a four-year-old, and she is losing. And she has no idea why these things are going wrong at home. An insane monster of a child does not come from somebody sitting down with them and problem-solving, it comes from having no idea what to expect in their environment and having people escalate and make it worse by doing things like spanking and imposing arbitrary consequences when they don’t know what the problem is.
Taking the time to calm down, get a head of the problems, they know they have right now, and keep things from escalating will always help. If a kid is hungry before dinner, and out of control and taking food, the answer is not to spank them. Give them a snack that includes things they would be eating in half an hour, anyway like carrot sticks, and reset.

Being compassionate, and working to understand what the issue is, does not mean that there are no boundaries or rules or limitations. It means that you start from a point of empathy and make sure that what your expectations are and your timing works for everyone. You don’t say well I don’t know what to do and I don’t like how he’s acting so I’m gonna punish him and not change any of the factors that are contributing to these big problems

[Anonymous]

Turning on calming music while getting dressed in the morning helped a little bit with getting-dressed tantrums in our house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again. So give me an example. If he hits me or kicks me do I give him a time out? (For us time out means going in your room) sometimes he doesn’t care ither times he hangs on the door. Feel like we’ve tried this so many times and the behavior didn’t change. What is something I do in the moment?

By now you should have been reading 1, 2, 3 Magic instead you are procrastinating and finding excuses.
Do not hit mom or anyone. First warning. You will lose your fav toy.
Second warning as you see he is about to hit. You hit me again your “fav toy” is going to the garbage.
Third warning. Repeat. Then take away his toy while he watches, and let him see you throw it away in the garage trash. When he picks it up, from that trash, strap him in his car seat. Drive to public trash can, throw it away and drive off.
No yelling, no relenting, no negotiating. Toy gone. He will cry, you do not react nor are mad just calm.

This worked for us^^^ with similar tantrums.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again. So give me an example. If he hits me or kicks me do I give him a time out? (For us time out means going in your room) sometimes he doesn’t care ither times he hangs on the door. Feel like we’ve tried this so many times and the behavior didn’t change. What is something I do in the moment?

By now you should have been reading 1, 2, 3 Magic instead you are procrastinating and finding excuses.
Do not hit mom or anyone. First warning. You will lose your fav toy.
Second warning as you see he is about to hit. You hit me again your “fav toy” is going to the garbage.
Third warning. Repeat. Then take away his toy while he watches, and let him see you throw it away in the garage trash. When he picks it up, from that trash, strap him in his car seat. Drive to public trash can, throw it away and drive off.
No yelling, no relenting, no negotiating. Toy gone. He will cry, you do not react nor are mad just calm.

This worked for us^^^ with similar tantrums.

Previous pp that posted that. Worked for my two kids as well. From 2 and a 4 year old fits to perfectly behaved kids in less than a week. Most important part was me following up , being calm and consistent. No raised voice, nothing like that but also letting them know what is happening. Such as , “ in 10 minutes when your show/breakfast, etc is done, you will brush teeth, etc “ then repeat at 5 minutes and before I knew it they were being so great.
Not ordering them like dogs in the middle of their favourite activity like some Nazi.

[Anonymous]

It’s you. Hi. You’re the problem, it’s you.

This sounds like a hard situation, I’ll agree, but here is your tough love. It’s your lack of follow through that’s causing him to find glee in the power struggle. Be firm, be consistency, and be true to your word. If you don’t do what you say you were going to do, why ever would he?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp who said it’s catering - no. She is getting into insane power struggles with a four-year-old, and she is losing. And she has no idea why these things are going wrong at home. An insane monster of a child does not come from somebody sitting down with them and problem-solving, it comes from having no idea what to expect in their environment and having people escalate and make it worse by doing things like spanking and imposing arbitrary consequences when they don’t know what the problem is.
Taking the time to calm down, get a head of the problems, they know they have right now, and keep things from escalating will always help. If a kid is hungry before dinner, and out of control and taking food, the answer is not to spank them. Give them a snack that includes things they would be eating in half an hour, anyway like carrot sticks, and reset.

Being compassionate, and working to understand what the issue is, does not mean that there are no boundaries or rules or limitations. It means that you start from a point of empathy and make sure that what your expectations are and your timing works for everyone. You don’t say well I don’t know what to do and I don’t like how he’s acting so I’m gonna punish him and not change any of the factors that are contributing to these big problems

+ a million. I can’t believe some of the suggestions in this post. Spanking. Driving toys to the dump. This is how you are going to earn your child’s respect? Kids remember this stuff.

I have a sensitive kid. 1 2 3 magic didn’t work at all. It just escalated and made her afraid. Your 3 to 4 year old is trying to tell you they aren’t a baby anymore. They are also not an adult. You get to hold firm boundaries like if you throw food, I take it away or if you won’t dress yourself, I will dress you. But if you can give them even a tiny bit of a role in improving the situation, you are going to do so much to de escalate things and help them feel loved and heard. Ask yourself where do I need to be more consistent and firm of course (not punitive! just consistent!) but also ask yourself where you can give 10 or 20 percent to empower your kid to help solve the problem.

[Anonymous]

Be more strict and consistent with a brat like that. Always remain calm. Give him, teach him the cause and effect, the consequences.
You wanna cry, be angry? That is okay. You can do it in that space (room, whatever) and when you are ready you can get dressed, come Play, etc.
No rewards. Give and praise good attention.
Teach good manners like someone said. It's simple, Use nice words. Be an example.

[Anonymous]

Hugs, abrazos

[Anonymous]

I didn't do any books. Teach good manners to children. Teach cause and effect.