Problems with my four year old. I need a super nanny.

[Anonymous]

I feel totally out of control with my four year old. He turned four in September and doesn’t listen to me. The worst part of the day is getting dressed. He refuses. I have to get him dressed like a baby and he starts kicking me. He has been kicking me a lot lately. He’s been going into the fridge and grabbing an entire package of cheese or something as I’m making dinner. I say no and he thinks it’s a joke and runs away. Never listens. Getting him to take a bath has been impossible. Also kicks and screams. I got a reward chart thing but he’s not motivated by the stickers or the reward at the end of the month. I feel like his behavior isn’t normal and that he’s going to be the “bad” kid in class. (At preschool teacher says he’s good) if I could pay someone to come help me deal with him I would- someone who could tell me what to do. But I don’t know if anyone like that exists aside from the super nanny tv show

[Anonymous]

I’m totally unqualified to offer advice on this, but I read 1-2-3 magic and a lot of what you’re describing sounds like some of the cartoon scenarios in the book. Have you tried this method?

[Anonymous]

Hugs, it is so hard! For us, we had to find a reward they cared about and then you have to keep catching them doing good behavior and reward, reward, reward. And try to ignore the less perfect but still not awful so you are only disciplining the worst of it. If stickers aren't motivating, keep trying different small things (small candy, game/book with parent, small toy). And add in bigger rewards that he can earn fairly frequently. Once you get a system in place, you can slowly raise the bar on the expected behavior. Consistency is key here, so you have to keep to the system even when you are frustrated. Hang in there! It gets better!

[Anonymous]

No rewards. You need to teach him that he needs to behave in an acceptable manner that respects you, whether or not there's "something in it for him". His brain needs to be wired to make the right choice without a carrot dangling in front of him.

What are the consequences for these behaviors? If he takes the cheese what happens? In my house that would mean the cheese gets taken away, and the cheese is put on a higher shelf in the fridge. He kicks while you dress him? So what. Getting dressed isn't a choice. Keep your tone and language neutral. Larlo, we're getting dressed now. You can help or kick me but it's happening.

He's testing limits and you need firmer ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hugs, it is so hard! For us, we had to find a reward they cared about and then you have to keep catching them doing good behavior and reward, reward, reward. And try to ignore the less perfect but still not awful so you are only disciplining the worst of it. If stickers aren't motivating, keep trying different small things (small candy, game/book with parent, small toy). And add in bigger rewards that he can earn fairly frequently. Once you get a system in place, you can slowly raise the bar on the expected behavior. Consistency is key here, so you have to keep to the system even when you are frustrated. Hang in there! It gets better!

A kid shouldn't have to be rewarded for not kicking their mother.

[Anonymous]

What are his negative consequences for his behavior? Some kids are motivated by positives (sticker chart, prizes); others respond better to consequences (time out, toy jail, no screen). If one isn’t working, time to try the other.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, but perhaps he should be evaluated by professionals. I have a friend who ignored this type of behavior and chalked it up to boys will be boys. Fast forward 10 years, and she has a very very bad situation on her hands.

[Anonymous]

Stop with the rewards and give him a time out.

[Anonymous]

The fact that he's good at school is good news. It means he's playing you and you can fix the behavior quickly. Don't give in. Hold the line. Give him consequences. Kids this age NEED firm boundaries, the world is a scary place.

Also...you don't need to pay someone. This is kind of a red flag for me. It's telling me you are avoidant. I think that's probably the root of your problem. You need to confront your kids and do the hard part. You can't pay your way out of the hard parts of parenting.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it's just about timing and not being so rigid- ex: do you HAVE to get dressed right away? Maybe being in pjs for a bit would help if it meant an easier transition to clothes in, say, an hour.
Same with the cheese example - can you pre-emptively offer veggies or cheese in the early evening to take the edge off? Way better than him snacking 10 min before dinner.

Have you tried silly voices, pretending his socks are puppets as you get him dressed (something I find myself doing a lot), or the like . "do your pants go on your head or over here on your legs? Gee, i don't know" - type silliness.

It also helps to de-escalate the heightened mood abd prevents it from becoming a control battle

Can he do anything for himself- maybe if he had a bit of autonomy he'd be more willing. Pick his own clothes (limit his choices so its not overwhelming). Surely he's able to pull up his pants or slide his shoes on by himself.

[Anonymous]

Op here. We have tried time out. He doesn’t respond to it- doesn’t seem to care. When he took the cheese, he runs away laughing and he’s very fast and I (literally) can’t catch him. I let him pick out his clothes and he still doesn’t get dressed. When I yell at him, or when my husband yells at him, he sort of freezes and ignores us. I feel like he’s so difficult that lately i just relent and let him watch tv. I’m out of things to do. The only thing he consistently does it take his shoes off before coming in the house (a rule) but everything else he ignores. He isn’t motivated by rewards and isn’t deterred by time outs. Sometimes he’s great (mainly when not in the house)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, but perhaps he should be evaluated by professionals. I have a friend who ignored this type of behavior and chalked it up to boys will be boys. Fast forward 10 years, and she has a very very bad situation on her hands.

Oh JFC, evaluated for what? Being a spoiled brat who OP obviously has let run all over her for four years. Op, put you big girl pants on and find a time out chair and corner and start using it. If you must put up a sticker chart and let him earn rewards. I am however in the camp that he needs to show you respect, if he's not respecting you what the hell is his teacher going to have to put up with, not to mention his fellow classmates? Time out chair, timer, now.

[Anonymous]

You relent and let him watch tv after he throws a fit and disrespects you and your husband? Wow, parenting is difficult and yes, you cannot always be their friend, but you need to stop being afraid this child. You are rewarding him for bad behavior, but he doesn't respond well to rewards. Do you hear yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We have tried time out. He doesn’t respond to it- doesn’t seem to care. When he took the cheese, he runs away laughing and he’s very fast and I (literally) can’t catch him. I let him pick out his clothes and he still doesn’t get dressed. When I yell at him, or when my husband yells at him, he sort of freezes and ignores us. I feel like he’s so difficult that lately i just relent and let him watch tv. I’m out of things to do. The only thing he consistently does it take his shoes off before coming in the house (a rule) but everything else he ignores. He isn’t motivated by rewards and isn’t deterred by time outs. Sometimes he’s great (mainly when not in the house)

Omg.

1. Stop yelling
2. You have tried like two things. You aren't out of things to try. You need to be consistent. Doing something once isn't going to work.
3. You are faster than your four year old. I promise. If you can't run faster than a four year old you need to see a doctor.
4. He doesn't want to get dressed? Ok, pick him up and get him dressed. He sneaks cheese out of the fridge? Snacks go in a higher shelf.

He knows he can push your buttons and you will relent and let him watch tv. Being a parent is exhausting, that's the whole gig. But you HAVE TO be consistent. He's walking all over you. He wants you to be in charge!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We have tried time out. He doesn’t respond to it- doesn’t seem to care. When he took the cheese, he runs away laughing and he’s very fast and I (literally) can’t catch him. I let him pick out his clothes and he still doesn’t get dressed. When I yell at him, or when my husband yells at him, he sort of freezes and ignores us. I feel like he’s so difficult that lately i just relent and let him watch tv. I’m out of things to do. The only thing he consistently does it take his shoes off before coming in the house (a rule) but everything else he ignores. He isn’t motivated by rewards and isn’t deterred by time outs. Sometimes he’s great (mainly when not in the house)

You have to be very consistent with time outs and do it nanny style. It may take hours the first few times. You are a problem if you things like relent and let him have tv. You are allowing this behavior and encouraging it. He knows he can behave this way and get away with it.