Reply to DIL choosing not to get involved in MIL's care

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[quote=Anonymous]Just joining the chorus of "you're fine" voices. Your SIL could have any number of reasons for believing you should be on the care schedule, but none of that changes the fact that this is your husband's mom, not yours, and your are doing what feels appropriate to you and makes sense within your marriage. Your SIL can choose to be resentful about that if she wishes, but her feelings on the matter do not dictate what happens. It's your choice and I think you are doing plenty.

Sometimes people get demanding when they reach this phase of elder care because they are unable to separate their feelings (about the fact that their mom is declining and will likely die soon, the fact that they themselves are getting older, about aspects of their relationship with their parents and siblings that might not be what they wished for or feel as satisfying as they thought it would, etc.) from the practical aspects of elder care like ensuring the parent is safe, getting proper care, and receiving an appropriate amount of companionship and affection.

My sister does this regarding my mom's care. She will periodically start fights with my brothers or I, saying we need to be doing more, but it's based on her more general unhappiness about our mother's condition and about OLD resentments about family dynamics. My mother does not actually need any more care than she is getting, and my brothers and I do plenty. But my sister is working through her own grief and unhappiness by blaming it on the idea that we don't do enough, or that she does more. But a lot of the "more" she does is not necessary care. It's stuff like harassing my mom about what she eats or yelling at my dad about the fact that he doesn't do enough for her (he doesn't, but yelling at him doesn't change anything -- he is also old and that dynamic will never change). She wants me to do more harassing and yelling to relieve her of the burden. I'm not doing to. None of this actually changes anything about my mother's wellbeing. It is a separate dispute that is about my sister and her own feelings and my mom is actually incidental to it.[/quote]

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