Unwanted guests and pushy exDH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are your son's family and this is his special day. It sounds like you are purposely not including any of Dad's family and that is not a good example for your son. You email Dad saying you'd love to have them and that the cost of the meal is XXX and if they'd like to come, he can pay for the meal. Stop putting your child in the middle of your divorce. Allow him to celebrate with all his family, not just yours. If you are saying "our" families are going, then what exactly does that mean? You and your husband only? It should include Dad's family too.

OP: I am very well including his father's family. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, they are all coming. He's known them for years. But he has never met his stepmother's family, he doesn't know them. Why should he be forced to have them at one of the most important days of his life? He hasn't bothered to introduce them to him, they've been here for months and now this?

I should not be forced to pay for people my child doesn't know. This will put me into another pay bracket, reception place has limited seating.

Ask him to pay for the extra expenses. Maybe they don't introduce your child to them because of you and how hostile you are to step-mom and her family. He isn't being forced. You include them as it's the right thing to do, especially if the step-mom treats your child decently. However, it's not unreasonable to ask him to pay the extra costs.

DS has been to that house many times. He claims he has never seen them. I am not hostile to the stepmom. Our relationship doesn't go beyond "hi-nice weather-have a nice day". She seems like a nice lady, kids like her. I think exDH is trying to show off at our DS expense. he hasn't contributed anything to this party. I don't mind exDH family being there, they've known DS and his sibling for years, they are involved in their lives.

It doesn't sound like Dad is an actual parent but more like an uncle the kids see occasionally or weekly. This party is about your religion, not his. This is a party you want and organizing. You can use the child support money to pay for it.

It doesn't sound like you really want Dad or his wife/family involved and you just tolerate them. Maybe if the kids spent more time at Dad's house and had a real relationship, they'd know these other family members.

You don't speak of your son's paternal family as family. Your attitude very much impacts your child's. They want to please you. They will say and do what pleases you.

Such BS. Kids have relationship with their paternal grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. Read my comments: exDH side of the family is invited. It is not about MY religion, exDH was always totally fine with MY religion, he wanted kids raised in Judaism. DS was always fine with celebrating both Christmas and Hanukkah.

Using child support to pay for party...please.

You choose to have a lavishly expensive party. You can do it far cheaper. A relationship isn't visiting with dad a few times a month in your home under your supervision or going to dinner. Be real. Him agreeing to you raising the kids Jewish made sense and it's not like you care what he thinks anyway. Your religion, your choice, you should pay. Just tell Dad he and his relatives cannot come and be done with it. Just severe now vs. the slow fade you are doing.

Your exDH side of the family was only partially invited. His family includes his wife and her relatives now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait a minute. First you said this:
"...[SM's family] have been staying with them so far, and it wouldn't feel "appropriate" to leave them behind on such an important event"

Now you say this:
"...But [DS] has never met his stepmother's family, he doesn't know them."

Are you saying that your son has not visited his father in all these months?

Even if your son has never met them I'll bet there will be others at the event he hasn't met either. As long as your ex foots the bill it makes zero difference in the grand scheme of things.

The biggest tell is this: "...I think this is coming from the stepmother, maybe she wants to feel included."

Aha. Now we get to the REAL reason.

As others have already told you, the SM should be included. Why do you think she shouldn't? Especially since your DC is OK with her.

The biggest problem here is... YOU.

OP: DS visited his father all these months. He prefers not to sleep in their house, it's his choice, he is a light sleeper. SM is included. She was invited all this time. We've had bar mitzvah prep for a year. Her relatives have been living with her for the past couple of months. Not once in all this time did exDH mention these people coming until recently.

Since they don't really have a real relationship you expecting Dad to pay for anything extra above child support is unreasonable. Its fine for you to ask him to pay for the extra cost but what you are saying is he doesn't go to Dad's house and it sounds like that is partly your decision so he doesn't know these people. Child needs a real relationship with Dad, including sleeping over his house. You can get a sound machine or something to block out the noise. Your refusing to not have child sleep over is generally the first step to alienation and pushing Dad out of the child's life. [b]You are clearly a huge part of the problem. [/b] Except baring abuse or neglect, child should be sleeping over Dad's house, not just Dad picking up child for an hour every few weeks when you allow it.

100%. OP is jealous. She wants to make the SM the whipping post and as a petty excuse to further ice-out father.

She's refusing Dad a reasonable relationship with the kid. Kid cannot even go to Dad's house anymore. If they are living in the home and kid went over, even for a day he would have met him. So, if Dad is seeing this kid, it's only at Mom's house for a few hours at best a few times a month.

OP cannot complain Dad not paying extra's on demand when Dad has no relationship with the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are your son's family and this is his special day. It sounds like you are purposely not including any of Dad's family and that is not a good example for your son. You email Dad saying you'd love to have them and that the cost of the meal is XXX and if they'd like to come, he can pay for the meal. Stop putting your child in the middle of your divorce. Allow him to celebrate with all his family, not just yours. If you are saying "our" families are going, then what exactly does that mean? You and your husband only? It should include Dad's family too.

OP: I am very well including his father's family. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, they are all coming. He's known them for years. But he has never met his stepmother's family, he doesn't know them. Why should he be forced to have them at one of the most important days of his life? He hasn't bothered to introduce them to him, they've been here for months and now this?

I should not be forced to pay for people my child doesn't know. This will put me into another pay bracket, reception place has limited seating.

Ask him to pay for the extra expenses. Maybe they don't introduce your child to them because of you and how hostile you are to step-mom and her family. He isn't being forced. You include them as it's the right thing to do, especially if the step-mom treats your child decently. However, it's not unreasonable to ask him to pay the extra costs.

DS has been to that house many times. He claims he has never seen them. I am not hostile to the stepmom. Our relationship doesn't go beyond "hi-nice weather-have a nice day". She seems like a nice lady, kids like her. I think exDH is trying to show off at our DS expense. he hasn't contributed anything to this party. I don't mind exDH family being there, they've known DS and his sibling for years, they are involved in their lives.

It doesn't sound like Dad is an actual parent but more like an uncle the kids see occasionally or weekly. This party is about your religion, not his. This is a party you want and organizing. You can use the child support money to pay for it.

It doesn't sound like you really want Dad or his wife/family involved and you just tolerate them. Maybe if the kids spent more time at Dad's house and had a real relationship, they'd know these other family members.

You don't speak of your son's paternal family as family. Your attitude very much impacts your child's. They want to please you. They will say and do what pleases you.

Such BS. Kids have relationship with their paternal grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. Read my comments: exDH side of the family is invited. It is not about MY religion, exDH was always totally fine with MY religion, he wanted kids raised in Judaism. DS was always fine with celebrating both Christmas and Hanukkah.

Using child support to pay for party...please.

You choose to have a lavishly expensive party. You can do it far cheaper. A relationship isn't visiting with dad a few times a month in your home under your supervision or going to dinner. Be real. Him agreeing to you raising the kids Jewish made sense and it's not like you care what he thinks anyway. Your religion, your choice, you should pay. Just tell Dad he and his relatives cannot come and be done with it. Just severe now vs. the slow fade you are doing.

Your exDH side of the family was only partially invited. His family includes his wife and her relatives now.

His family aka him, wife, parental grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins were invited almost a year ago. A YEAR in advance. All of a sudden there are these relatives who my DS doesn't even know and he is being forced to include them.

I am not paying for them. I sent exDH cost breakdown, he can figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are your son's family and this is his special day. It sounds like you are purposely not including any of Dad's family and that is not a good example for your son. You email Dad saying you'd love to have them and that the cost of the meal is XXX and if they'd like to come, he can pay for the meal. Stop putting your child in the middle of your divorce. Allow him to celebrate with all his family, not just yours. If you are saying "our" families are going, then what exactly does that mean? You and your husband only? It should include Dad's family too.

OP: I am very well including his father's family. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, they are all coming. He's known them for years. But he has never met his stepmother's family, he doesn't know them. Why should he be forced to have them at one of the most important days of his life? He hasn't bothered to introduce them to him, they've been here for months and now this?

I should not be forced to pay for people my child doesn't know. This will put me into another pay bracket, reception place has limited seating.

Ask him to pay for the extra expenses. Maybe they don't introduce your child to them because of you and how hostile you are to step-mom and her family. He isn't being forced. You include them as it's the right thing to do, especially if the step-mom treats your child decently. However, it's not unreasonable to ask him to pay the extra costs.

DS has been to that house many times. He claims he has never seen them. I am not hostile to the stepmom. Our relationship doesn't go beyond "hi-nice weather-have a nice day". She seems like a nice lady, kids like her. I think exDH is trying to show off at our DS expense. he hasn't contributed anything to this party. I don't mind exDH family being there, they've known DS and his sibling for years, they are involved in their lives.

It doesn't sound like Dad is an actual parent but more like an uncle the kids see occasionally or weekly. This party is about your religion, not his. This is a party you want and organizing. You can use the child support money to pay for it.

It doesn't sound like you really want Dad or his wife/family involved and you just tolerate them. Maybe if the kids spent more time at Dad's house and had a real relationship, they'd know these other family members.

You don't speak of your son's paternal family as family. Your attitude very much impacts your child's. They want to please you. They will say and do what pleases you.

Such BS. Kids have relationship with their paternal grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. Read my comments: exDH side of the family is invited. It is not about MY religion, exDH was always totally fine with MY religion, he wanted kids raised in Judaism. DS was always fine with celebrating both Christmas and Hanukkah.

Using child support to pay for party...please.

You choose to have a lavishly expensive party. You can do it far cheaper. A relationship isn't visiting with dad a few times a month in your home under your supervision or going to dinner. Be real. Him agreeing to you raising the kids Jewish made sense and it's not like you care what he thinks anyway. Your religion, your choice, you should pay. Just tell Dad he and his relatives cannot come and be done with it. Just severe now vs. the slow fade you are doing.

Your exDH side of the family was only partially invited. His family includes his wife and her relatives now.

His family aka him, wife, parental grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins were invited almost a year ago. A YEAR in advance. All of a sudden there are these relatives who my DS doesn't even know and he is being forced to include them.

I am not paying for them. I sent exDH cost breakdown, he can figure it out.

You knew about them. That’s the excuse you are using to refuse overnights. Terrible. This is not all of the sudden. The kid would know them if you allowed dad parenting time which you are withholding. Stop using your kids as a weapon and let them have a real relationship with their dad and his family. You are going to only hurt your kid with these games.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are your son's family and this is his special day. It sounds like you are purposely not including any of Dad's family and that is not a good example for your son. You email Dad saying you'd love to have them and that the cost of the meal is XXX and if they'd like to come, he can pay for the meal. Stop putting your child in the middle of your divorce. Allow him to celebrate with all his family, not just yours. If you are saying "our" families are going, then what exactly does that mean? You and your husband only? It should include Dad's family too.

OP: I am very well including his father's family. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, they are all coming. He's known them for years. But he has never met his stepmother's family, he doesn't know them. Why should he be forced to have them at one of the most important days of his life? He hasn't bothered to introduce them to him, they've been here for months and now this?

I should not be forced to pay for people my child doesn't know. This will put me into another pay bracket, reception place has limited seating.

Ask him to pay for the extra expenses. Maybe they don't introduce your child to them because of you and how hostile you are to step-mom and her family. He isn't being forced. You include them as it's the right thing to do, especially if the step-mom treats your child decently. However, it's not unreasonable to ask him to pay the extra costs.

DS has been to that house many times. He claims he has never seen them. I am not hostile to the stepmom. Our relationship doesn't go beyond "hi-nice weather-have a nice day". She seems like a nice lady, kids like her. I think exDH is trying to show off at our DS expense. he hasn't contributed anything to this party. I don't mind exDH family being there, they've known DS and his sibling for years, they are involved in their lives.

It doesn't sound like Dad is an actual parent but more like an uncle the kids see occasionally or weekly. This party is about your religion, not his. This is a party you want and organizing. You can use the child support money to pay for it.

It doesn't sound like you really want Dad or his wife/family involved and you just tolerate them. Maybe if the kids spent more time at Dad's house and had a real relationship, they'd know these other family members.

You don't speak of your son's paternal family as family. Your attitude very much impacts your child's. They want to please you. They will say and do what pleases you.

Such BS. Kids have relationship with their paternal grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. Read my comments: exDH side of the family is invited. It is not about MY religion, exDH was always totally fine with MY religion, he wanted kids raised in Judaism. DS was always fine with celebrating both Christmas and Hanukkah.

Using child support to pay for party...please.

You choose to have a lavishly expensive party. You can do it far cheaper. A relationship isn't visiting with dad a few times a month in your home under your supervision or going to dinner. Be real. Him agreeing to you raising the kids Jewish made sense and it's not like you care what he thinks anyway. Your religion, your choice, you should pay. Just tell Dad he and his relatives cannot come and be done with it. Just severe now vs. the slow fade you are doing.

Your exDH side of the family was only partially invited. His family includes his wife and her relatives now.

His family aka him, wife, parental grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins were invited almost a year ago. A YEAR in advance. All of a sudden there are these relatives who my DS doesn't even know and he is being forced to include them.

I am not paying for them. I sent exDH cost breakdown, he can figure it out.

You knew about them. That’s the excuse you are using to refuse overnights. Terrible. This is not all of the sudden. The kid would know them if you allowed dad parenting time which you are withholding. Stop using your kids as a weapon and let them have a real relationship with their dad and his family. You are going to only hurt your kid with these games.

Agree the only one getting hurt is ultimately the son. Especially at such an important age especially for a boy. He should have unrestricted access to his dad and mother should be encouraging a relationship with the father without reserve. Statistically, we all know what happens when dads are cut out/alienated from boy's lives and it's not pretty. If that happens, OP can then look in the mirror for part of the reason why.

[Anonymous]

He needs to pay for them. Period. It would be rude to leave them home.

[Anonymous]

Tell him how much and paid in advance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are your son's family and this is his special day. It sounds like you are purposely not including any of Dad's family and that is not a good example for your son. You email Dad saying you'd love to have them and that the cost of the meal is XXX and if they'd like to come, he can pay for the meal. Stop putting your child in the middle of your divorce. Allow him to celebrate with all his family, not just yours. If you are saying "our" families are going, then what exactly does that mean? You and your husband only? It should include Dad's family too.

OP: I am very well including his father's family. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, they are all coming. He's known them for years. But he has never met his stepmother's family, he doesn't know them. Why should he be forced to have them at one of the most important days of his life? He hasn't bothered to introduce them to him, they've been here for months and now this?

I should not be forced to pay for people my child doesn't know. This will put me into another pay bracket, reception place has limited seating.

Ask him to pay for the extra expenses. Maybe they don't introduce your child to them because of you and how hostile you are to step-mom and her family. He isn't being forced. You include them as it's the right thing to do, especially if the step-mom treats your child decently. However, it's not unreasonable to ask him to pay the extra costs.

DS has been to that house many times. He claims he has never seen them. I am not hostile to the stepmom. Our relationship doesn't go beyond "hi-nice weather-have a nice day". She seems like a nice lady, kids like her. I think exDH is trying to show off at our DS expense. he hasn't contributed anything to this party. I don't mind exDH family being there, they've known DS and his sibling for years, they are involved in their lives.

It doesn't sound like Dad is an actual parent but more like an uncle the kids see occasionally or weekly. This party is about your religion, not his. This is a party you want and organizing. You can use the child support money to pay for it.

It doesn't sound like you really want Dad or his wife/family involved and you just tolerate them. Maybe if the kids spent more time at Dad's house and had a real relationship, they'd know these other family members.

You don't speak of your son's paternal family as family. Your attitude very much impacts your child's. They want to please you. They will say and do what pleases you.

Such BS. Kids have relationship with their paternal grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. Read my comments: exDH side of the family is invited. It is not about MY religion, exDH was always totally fine with MY religion, he wanted kids raised in Judaism. DS was always fine with celebrating both Christmas and Hanukkah.

Using child support to pay for party...please.

You choose to have a lavishly expensive party. You can do it far cheaper. A relationship isn't visiting with dad a few times a month in your home under your supervision or going to dinner. Be real. Him agreeing to you raising the kids Jewish made sense and it's not like you care what he thinks anyway. Your religion, your choice, you should pay. Just tell Dad he and his relatives cannot come and be done with it. Just severe now vs. the slow fade you are doing.

Your exDH side of the family was only partially invited. His family includes his wife and her relatives now.

His family aka him, wife, parental grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins were invited almost a year ago. A YEAR in advance. All of a sudden there are these relatives who my DS doesn't even know and he is being forced to include them.

I am not paying for them. I sent exDH cost breakdown, he can figure it out.

You knew about them. That’s the excuse you are using to refuse overnights. Terrible. This is not all of the sudden. The kid would know them if you allowed dad parenting time which you are withholding. Stop using your kids as a weapon and let them have a real relationship with their dad and his family. You are going to only hurt your kid with these games.

Agree the only one getting hurt is ultimately the son. Especially at such an important age especially for a boy. He should have unrestricted access to his dad and mother should be encouraging a relationship with the father without reserve. Statistically, we all know what happens when dads are cut out/alienated from boy's lives and it's not pretty. If that happens, OP can then look in the mirror for part of the reason why.

You can see where this situation is headed and she's getting ready to cut the kids off from Dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I would reach out and say:

It will cost $xxx to add additional people [include both the per person and any additional fees and costs]. If you can cover that in advance, I will speak to the venue and see if they can accommodate your request.

I would do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I would reach out and say:

It will cost $xxx to add additional people [include both the per person and any additional fees and costs]. If you can cover that in advance, I will speak to the venue and see if they can accommodate your request.

This, simple.

Yes, straightforward, no drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course you should include them, how is this even a question. It is distracting from the wonderful event and your son should not be burdened with this. He has a family now with his dad and Step mom, including the visiting relatives. Just welcome them and if it means to pay, then do so. It would be the right thing for your ex to contribute to the entire event but since he didn’t, I wouldn’t hold out hope that he will offer for this. Take the high road, enjoy your son’s beautiful passage, write a heartfelt speech to him and stand proud with him on the Bima. Mazel Tov.

This is a very gracious response, and good advice.

[Anonymous]

I would accommodate if possible. Some guests invited themselves to my wedding. They were accommodated, despite the fact it was rude of them, but they were clueless and really excited, so…

Your ex is rude, but his guests shouldn’t be left alone that day.

[Anonymous]

They are your son's family and this is his special day. It sounds like you are purposely not including any of Dad's family and that is not a good example for your son. You email Dad saying you'd love to have them and that the cost of the meal is XXX and if they'd like to come, he can pay for the meal. Stop putting your child in the middle of your divorce. Allow him to celebrate with all his family, not just yours. If you are saying "our" families are going, then what exactly does that mean? You and your husband only? It should include Dad's family too.

This is legit crazy. The son does not even know this "family," who is coming into his life at age 13. You are clearly divorced and want to foist your new relatives on your kid.

[Anonymous]

OP: DS visited his father all these months. He prefers not to sleep in their house, it's his choice, he is a light sleeper. SM is included. She was invited all this time. We've had bar mitzvah prep for a year. Her relatives have been living with her for the past couple of months. Not once in all this time did exDH mention these people coming until recently.


Since they don't really have a real relationship you expecting Dad to pay for anything extra above child support is unreasonable. Its fine for you to ask him to pay for the extra cost but what you are saying is he doesn't go to Dad's house and it sounds like that is partly your decision so he doesn't know these people. Child needs a real relationship with Dad, including sleeping over his house. You can get a sound machine or something to block out the noise. Your refusing to not have child sleep over is generally the first step to alienation and pushing Dad out of the child's life. You are clearly a huge part of the problem. Except baring abuse or neglect, child should be sleeping over Dad's house, not just Dad picking up child for an hour every few weeks when you allow it.

This has to be the same poster who keeps trying to blame OP for something, because I can't fathom that there are two people this unhinged in the DMV. OP didn't ask anyone about her visitation arrangements. It is none of your business where OP's son sleeps and you need to stop your holier than thou bs. Get therapy for yourself but stop attributing whatever problems you have personally to OP.

[Anonymous]

You choose to have a lavishly expensive party. You can do it far cheaper. A relationship isn't visiting with dad a few times a month in your home under your supervision or going to dinner. Be real. Him agreeing to you raising the kids Jewish made sense and it's not like you care what he thinks anyway. Your religion, your choice, you should pay. Just tell Dad he and his relatives cannot come and be done with it. Just severe now vs. the slow fade you are doing.

Your exDH side of the family was only partially invited. His family includes his wife and her relatives now.

OP, ignore this poster and her many bizarre posts. She clearly is bringing a ton of personal baggage to your thread.

Tell exDH if he wants the relatives he pays - this is totally reasonable. And even then, only if the space can accommodate them. Adding extra people at this point (like at a wedding) is stressful and rude.