Unwanted guests and pushy exDH

[Anonymous]

I’m a stepmom. I wouldn’t expect my relatives to be invited to my stepsons bar mitzhah at two weeks notice.

[Anonymous]

They’ve been here for months but your ex hasn’t introduced your son to them? Then they aren’t staying with your ex. I think it’s reasonable to say it’s too late and too expensive to add people. But if he wants to pay you in advance for all the extra costs that result from them coming, then fine. And tell him the amount and that he needs to pay up front so you can pay the caterer. Maybe when he sees the dollar amount and knows he’d have to pay, it’ll be less important to him to have those people attend. And ask him not to drag your son into the middle of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They’ve been here for months but your ex hasn’t introduced your son to them? Then they aren’t staying with your ex. I think it’s reasonable to say it’s too late and too expensive to add people. But if he wants to pay you in advance for all the extra costs that result from them coming, then fine. And tell him the amount and that he needs to pay up front so you can pay the caterer. Maybe when he sees the dollar amount and knows he’d have to pay, it’ll be less important to him to have those people attend. And ask him not to drag your son into the middle of this.

She's dragging the kid in the middle of this. They don't know the kid as she's not allowing overnights or visitation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP: DS visited his father all these months. He prefers not to sleep in their house, it's his choice, he is a light sleeper. SM is included. She was invited all this time. We've had bar mitzvah prep for a year. Her relatives have been living with her for the past couple of months. Not once in all this time did exDH mention these people coming until recently.


Since they don't really have a real relationship you expecting Dad to pay for anything extra above child support is unreasonable. Its fine for you to ask him to pay for the extra cost but what you are saying is he doesn't go to Dad's house and it sounds like that is partly your decision so he doesn't know these people. Child needs a real relationship with Dad, including sleeping over his house. You can get a sound machine or something to block out the noise. Your refusing to not have child sleep over is generally the first step to alienation and pushing Dad out of the child's life. You are clearly a huge part of the problem. Except baring abuse or neglect, child should be sleeping over Dad's house, not just Dad picking up child for an hour every few weeks when you allow it.

This has to be the same poster who keeps trying to blame OP for something, because I can't fathom that there are two people this unhinged in the DMV. OP didn't ask anyone about her visitation arrangements. It is none of your business where OP's son sleeps and you need to stop your holier than thou bs. Get therapy for yourself but stop attributing whatever problems you have personally to OP.

Where son sleeps and relationships are important. She complains Dad isn't paying for a party she chooses to have for HER religion and she's starting to limit the relationship and not allowing the child to even sleep over. If the party is important, then a few extra people is no big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP: DS visited his father all these months. He prefers not to sleep in their house, it's his choice, he is a light sleeper. SM is included. She was invited all this time. We've had bar mitzvah prep for a year. Her relatives have been living with her for the past couple of months. Not once in all this time did exDH mention these people coming until recently.


Since they don't really have a real relationship you expecting Dad to pay for anything extra above child support is unreasonable. Its fine for you to ask him to pay for the extra cost but what you are saying is he doesn't go to Dad's house and it sounds like that is partly your decision so he doesn't know these people. Child needs a real relationship with Dad, including sleeping over his house. You can get a sound machine or something to block out the noise. Your refusing to not have child sleep over is generally the first step to alienation and pushing Dad out of the child's life. You are clearly a huge part of the problem. Except baring abuse or neglect, child should be sleeping over Dad's house, not just Dad picking up child for an hour every few weeks when you allow it.

This has to be the same poster who keeps trying to blame OP for something, because I can't fathom that there are two people this unhinged in the DMV. OP didn't ask anyone about her visitation arrangements. It is none of your business where OP's son sleeps and you need to stop your holier than thou bs. Get therapy for yourself but stop attributing whatever problems you have personally to OP.

Where son sleeps and relationships are important. She complains Dad isn't paying for a party she chooses to have for HER religion and she's starting to limit the relationship and not allowing the child to even sleep over. If the party is important, then a few extra people is no big deal.

You sound like a mannerless boor. OP is under no obligation to accommodate random people at the event she’s paying for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I would reach out and say:

It will cost $xxx to add additional people [include both the per person and any additional fees and costs]. If you can cover that in advance, I will speak to the venue and see if they can accommodate your request.

This. Just depersonalize it. I understand that may be hard as this is a ridiculous request, but in the big scheme of things, if he pays for it, it's small potatoes.

Save a fight for something that really matters. If this is him trying to provoke, don't let him.

[Anonymous]

Not OP but I get it where she's coming from. I laughed my butt off when I found out that I was expected to invite my stepparents' siblings, their children to my wedding. My parents remarried when I was in my 20s. I don't know these people, I've never met them, why should I have them on the most important day of my life? My stepmother in particular was offended that I didn't include her daughters in my wedding. I've only met them once! At her wedding. You are not my family. Move on. OP, don't have people you and your DS do not want to see. Don't be a pushover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not OP but I get it where she's coming from. I laughed my butt off when I found out that I was expected to invite my stepparents' siblings, their children to my wedding. My parents remarried when I was in my 20s. I don't know these people, I've never met them, why should I have them on the most important day of my life? My stepmother in particular was offended that I didn't include her daughters in my wedding. I've only met them once! At her wedding. You are not my family. Move on. OP, don't have people you and your DS do not want to see. Don't be a pushover.

This is a very different situation and OP is refusing visits in Dad's home where the family is so child will never get to meet them given she has to restrict and supervise visits.

[Anonymous]

This is a very different situation and OP is refusing visits in Dad's home where the family is so child will never get to meet them given she has to restrict and supervise visits.

GO AWAY! You are making things up and clearly have a metric ton of your own baggage that you are bringing to this thread. Get therapy.

[Anonymous]

The easiest solution would be to have your ex pay for the extra guests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This is a very different situation and OP is refusing visits in Dad's home where the family is so child will never get to meet them given she has to restrict and supervise visits.

GO AWAY! You are making things up and clearly have a metric ton of your own baggage that you are bringing to this thread. Get therapy.

No, you are making stuff up. OP has been clear that she has reduced visitation and taken away overnights and that is the start of parental alienation and terminating the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Op update: exDH refused to pay for these people and as a result it’ll be just hi and his wife. Of course his siblings and parents are coming. Btw they all said he was being an idiot and that I was right to stand my ground.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op update: exDH refused to pay for these people and as a result it’ll be just hi and his wife. Of course his siblings and parents are coming. Btw they all said he was being an idiot and that I was right to stand my ground.

Good for you, OP! Glad it worked out and thanks for the update!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a stepmom. I wouldn’t expect my relatives to be invited to my stepsons bar mitzhah at two weeks notice.

This. The posts chastising op are crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not OP but I get it where she's coming from. I laughed my butt off when I found out that I was expected to invite my stepparents' siblings, their children to my wedding. My parents remarried when I was in my 20s. I don't know these people, I've never met them, why should I have them on the most important day of my life? My stepmother in particular was offended that I didn't include her daughters in my wedding. I've only met them once! At her wedding. You are not my family. Move on. OP, don't have people you and your DS do not want to see. Don't be a pushover.

Exactly. That woman didn't understand that she was never a mom to you. People are crazy.