Unwanted guests and pushy exDH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are your son's family and this is his special day. It sounds like you are purposely not including any of Dad's family and that is not a good example for your son. You email Dad saying you'd love to have them and that the cost of the meal is XXX and if they'd like to come, he can pay for the meal. Stop putting your child in the middle of your divorce. Allow him to celebrate with all his family, not just yours. If you are saying "our" families are going, then what exactly does that mean? You and your husband only? It should include Dad's family too.

OP: I am very well including his father's family. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, they are all coming. He's known them for years. But he has never met his stepmother's family, he doesn't know them. Why should he be forced to have them at one of the most important days of his life? He hasn't bothered to introduce them to him, they've been here for months and now this?

I should not be forced to pay for people my child doesn't know. This will put me into another pay bracket, reception place has limited seating.

Ask him to pay for the extra expenses. Maybe they don't introduce your child to them because of you and how hostile you are to step-mom and her family. He isn't being forced. You include them as it's the right thing to do, especially if the step-mom treats your child decently. However, it's not unreasonable to ask him to pay the extra costs.

DS has been to that house many times. He claims he has never seen them. I am not hostile to the stepmom. Our relationship doesn't go beyond "hi-nice weather-have a nice day". She seems like a nice lady, kids like her. I think exDH is trying to show off at our DS expense. he hasn't contributed anything to this party. I don't mind exDH family being there, they've known DS and his sibling for years, they are involved in their lives.

[Anonymous]

I guess I would reach out and say:

It will cost $xxx to add additional people [include both the per person and any additional fees and costs]. If you can cover that in advance, I will speak to the venue and see if they can accommodate your request.

[Anonymous]

Wait a minute. First you said this:
"...[SM's family] have been staying with them so far, and it wouldn't feel "appropriate" to leave them behind on such an important event"

Now you say this:
"...But [DS] has never met his stepmother's family, he doesn't know them."

Are you saying that your son has not visited his father in all these months?

Even if your son has never met them I'll bet there will be others at the event he hasn't met either. As long as your ex foots the bill it makes zero difference in the grand scheme of things.

The biggest tell is this: "...I think this is coming from the stepmother, maybe she wants to feel included."

Aha. Now we get to the REAL reason.

As others have already told you, the SM should be included. Why do you think she shouldn't? Especially since your DC is OK with her.

The biggest problem here is... YOU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the venue can accommodate the extra people he needs to pay for them. I wouldn't die on the hill of not inviting them but I would not pay for it.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are your son's family and this is his special day. It sounds like you are purposely not including any of Dad's family and that is not a good example for your son. You email Dad saying you'd love to have them and that the cost of the meal is XXX and if they'd like to come, he can pay for the meal. Stop putting your child in the middle of your divorce. Allow him to celebrate with all his family, not just yours. If you are saying "our" families are going, then what exactly does that mean? You and your husband only? It should include Dad's family too.

OP: I am very well including his father's family. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, they are all coming. He's known them for years. But he has never met his stepmother's family, he doesn't know them. Why should he be forced to have them at one of the most important days of his life? He hasn't bothered to introduce them to him, they've been here for months and now this?

I should not be forced to pay for people my child doesn't know. This will put me into another pay bracket, reception place has limited seating.

Ask him to pay for the extra expenses. Maybe they don't introduce your child to them because of you and how hostile you are to step-mom and her family. He isn't being forced. You include them as it's the right thing to do, especially if the step-mom treats your child decently. However, it's not unreasonable to ask him to pay the extra costs.

DS has been to that house many times. He claims he has never seen them. I am not hostile to the stepmom. Our relationship doesn't go beyond "hi-nice weather-have a nice day". She seems like a nice lady, kids like her. I think exDH is trying to show off at our DS expense. he hasn't contributed anything to this party. I don't mind exDH family being there, they've known DS and his sibling for years, they are involved in their lives.

It doesn't sound like Dad is an actual parent but more like an uncle the kids see occasionally or weekly. This party is about your religion, not his. This is a party you want and organizing. You can use the child support money to pay for it.

It doesn't sound like you really want Dad or his wife/family involved and you just tolerate them. Maybe if the kids spent more time at Dad's house and had a real relationship, they'd know these other family members.

You don't speak of your son's paternal family as family. Your attitude very much impacts your child's. They want to please you. They will say and do what pleases you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I would reach out and say:

It will cost $xxx to add additional people [include both the per person and any additional fees and costs]. If you can cover that in advance, I will speak to the venue and see if they can accommodate your request.

This, simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait a minute. First you said this:
"...[SM's family] have been staying with them so far, and it wouldn't feel "appropriate" to leave them behind on such an important event"

Now you say this:
"...But [DS] has never met his stepmother's family, he doesn't know them."

Are you saying that your son has not visited his father in all these months?

Even if your son has never met them I'll bet there will be others at the event he hasn't met either. As long as your ex foots the bill it makes zero difference in the grand scheme of things.

The biggest tell is this: "...I think this is coming from the stepmother, maybe she wants to feel included."

Aha. Now we get to the REAL reason.

As others have already told you, the SM should be included. Why do you think she shouldn't? Especially since your DC is OK with her.

The biggest problem here is... YOU.

It sounds like kids see Dad a few times a month, probably mostly at mom's house or for dinner and rarely go over to Dad's house. SM should absolutely be invited and it's her choice to decline. She should decline as it's clear OP doesn't want her there or involved with the kids and it would be very uncomfortable for SM given the hostility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait a minute. First you said this:
"...[SM's family] have been staying with them so far, and it wouldn't feel "appropriate" to leave them behind on such an important event"

Now you say this:
"...But [DS] has never met his stepmother's family, he doesn't know them."

Are you saying that your son has not visited his father in all these months?

Even if your son has never met them I'll bet there will be others at the event he hasn't met either. As long as your ex foots the bill it makes zero difference in the grand scheme of things.

The biggest tell is this: "...I think this is coming from the stepmother, maybe she wants to feel included."

Aha. Now we get to the REAL reason.

As others have already told you, the SM should be included. Why do you think she shouldn't? Especially since your DC is OK with her.

The biggest problem here is... YOU.

OP: DS visited his father all these months. He prefers not to sleep in their house, it's his choice, he is a light sleeper. SM is included. She was invited all this time. We've had bar mitzvah prep for a year. Her relatives have been living with her for the past couple of months. Not once in all this time did exDH mention these people coming until recently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are your son's family and this is his special day. It sounds like you are purposely not including any of Dad's family and that is not a good example for your son. You email Dad saying you'd love to have them and that the cost of the meal is XXX and if they'd like to come, he can pay for the meal. Stop putting your child in the middle of your divorce. Allow him to celebrate with all his family, not just yours. If you are saying "our" families are going, then what exactly does that mean? You and your husband only? It should include Dad's family too.

OP: I am very well including his father's family. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, they are all coming. He's known them for years. But he has never met his stepmother's family, he doesn't know them. Why should he be forced to have them at one of the most important days of his life? He hasn't bothered to introduce them to him, they've been here for months and now this?

I should not be forced to pay for people my child doesn't know. This will put me into another pay bracket, reception place has limited seating.

Ask him to pay for the extra expenses. Maybe they don't introduce your child to them because of you and how hostile you are to step-mom and her family. He isn't being forced. You include them as it's the right thing to do, especially if the step-mom treats your child decently. However, it's not unreasonable to ask him to pay the extra costs.

DS has been to that house many times. He claims he has never seen them. I am not hostile to the stepmom. Our relationship doesn't go beyond "hi-nice weather-have a nice day". She seems like a nice lady, kids like her. I think exDH is trying to show off at our DS expense. he hasn't contributed anything to this party. I don't mind exDH family being there, they've known DS and his sibling for years, they are involved in their lives.

It doesn't sound like Dad is an actual parent but more like an uncle the kids see occasionally or weekly. This party is about your religion, not his. This is a party you want and organizing. You can use the child support money to pay for it.

It doesn't sound like you really want Dad or his wife/family involved and you just tolerate them. Maybe if the kids spent more time at Dad's house and had a real relationship, they'd know these other family members.

You don't speak of your son's paternal family as family. Your attitude very much impacts your child's. They want to please you. They will say and do what pleases you.

Such BS. Kids have relationship with their paternal grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. Read my comments: exDH side of the family is invited. It is not about MY religion, exDH was always totally fine with MY religion, he wanted kids raised in Judaism. DS was always fine with celebrating both Christmas and Hanukkah.

Using child support to pay for party...please.

[Anonymous]

I would offer to accommodate the stepmom’s parents, as they are step grandparents to your son, but if your ex wants to bring another 4 of his wife’s relatives, he’s going to need to pay for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait a minute. First you said this:
"...[SM's family] have been staying with them so far, and it wouldn't feel "appropriate" to leave them behind on such an important event"

Now you say this:
"...But [DS] has never met his stepmother's family, he doesn't know them."

Are you saying that your son has not visited his father in all these months?

Even if your son has never met them I'll bet there will be others at the event he hasn't met either. As long as your ex foots the bill it makes zero difference in the grand scheme of things.

The biggest tell is this: "...I think this is coming from the stepmother, maybe she wants to feel included."

Aha. Now we get to the REAL reason.

As others have already told you, the SM should be included. Why do you think she shouldn't? Especially since your DC is OK with her.

The biggest problem here is... YOU.

OP: DS visited his father all these months. He prefers not to sleep in their house, it's his choice, he is a light sleeper. SM is included. She was invited all this time. We've had bar mitzvah prep for a year. Her relatives have been living with her for the past couple of months. Not once in all this time did exDH mention these people coming until recently.

Since they don't really have a real relationship you expecting Dad to pay for anything extra above child support is unreasonable. Its fine for you to ask him to pay for the extra cost but what you are saying is he doesn't go to Dad's house and it sounds like that is partly your decision so he doesn't know these people. Child needs a real relationship with Dad, including sleeping over his house. You can get a sound machine or something to block out the noise. Your refusing to not have child sleep over is generally the first step to alienation and pushing Dad out of the child's life. You are clearly a huge part of the problem. Except baring abuse or neglect, child should be sleeping over Dad's house, not just Dad picking up child for an hour every few weeks when you allow it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorced exDH several years ago, he is remarried, I am in a relationship. Our DCs are OK with our partners. Our relationship is rocky at times but we try to stay polite. Our eldest DS has a bar mitzvah coming up in 2 weeks. I am footing the bill since I am the one who's Jewish and exDH is not. It's a big event, our families will be there. exDH texted me a few days ago saying (not ASKING!) that he is bringing his wife and HER RELATIVES (6 people) to our DS bar mitzvah. They've recently arrived to this country, have been staying with them so far, and it wouldn't feel "appropriate" to leave them behind on such an important event and that they are oh so excited. DS has never met these people, our guest lists have been made up for almost a year and now this? I told exDH "no" and he is throwing a fit. He tried to get a hold of our DS and guilt-trip him into inviting these people at the last moment. I think this is coming from the stepmother, maybe she wants to feel included.


WWYD? I really don't want to pay for people I don't know, my DS doesn't know. It's 6 extra people, not just one.

My exDH did something similar for my DC’s graduation party. I told him that I was paying $120/head for the venue, food and alcohol at the party and he was welcome to invite the guests, but that I expected him to contribute the per head amount for each guest he was planning on bringing to the party by Zelle to my bank account X date before the party so I could finalize numbers and pay the pre-party portion due.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait a minute. First you said this:
"...[SM's family] have been staying with them so far, and it wouldn't feel "appropriate" to leave them behind on such an important event"

Now you say this:
"...But [DS] has never met his stepmother's family, he doesn't know them."

Are you saying that your son has not visited his father in all these months?

Even if your son has never met them I'll bet there will be others at the event he hasn't met either. As long as your ex foots the bill it makes zero difference in the grand scheme of things.

The biggest tell is this: "...I think this is coming from the stepmother, maybe she wants to feel included."

Aha. Now we get to the REAL reason.

As others have already told you, the SM should be included. Why do you think she shouldn't? Especially since your DC is OK with her.

The biggest problem here is... YOU.

OP: DS visited his father all these months. He prefers not to sleep in their house, it's his choice, he is a light sleeper. SM is included. She was invited all this time. We've had bar mitzvah prep for a year. Her relatives have been living with her for the past couple of months. Not once in all this time did exDH mention these people coming until recently.

Since they don't really have a real relationship you expecting Dad to pay for anything extra above child support is unreasonable. Its fine for you to ask him to pay for the extra cost but what you are saying is he doesn't go to Dad's house and it sounds like that is partly your decision so he doesn't know these people. Child needs a real relationship with Dad, including sleeping over his house. You can get a sound machine or something to block out the noise. Your refusing to not have child sleep over is generally the first step to alienation and pushing Dad out of the child's life. [b]You are clearly a huge part of the problem. [/b] Except baring abuse or neglect, child should be sleeping over Dad's house, not just Dad picking up child for an hour every few weeks when you allow it.

100%. OP is jealous. She wants to make the SM the whipping post and as a petty excuse to further ice-out father.

[Anonymous]

Asked and answered. He doesn't have to like your answer.

[Anonymous]

Of course you should include them, how is this even a question. It is distracting from the wonderful event and your son should not be burdened with this. He has a family now with his dad and Step mom, including the visiting relatives. Just welcome them and if it means to pay, then do so. It would be the right thing for your ex to contribute to the entire event but since he didn’t, I wouldn’t hold out hope that he will offer for this. Take the high road, enjoy your son’s beautiful passage, write a heartfelt speech to him and stand proud with him on the Bima. Mazel Tov.