Unwanted guests and pushy exDH

[Anonymous]

Divorced exDH several years ago, he is remarried, I am in a relationship. Our DCs are OK with our partners. Our relationship is rocky at times but we try to stay polite. Our eldest DS has a bar mitzvah coming up in 2 weeks. I am footing the bill since I am the one who's Jewish and exDH is not. It's a big event, our families will be there. exDH texted me a few days ago saying (not ASKING!) that he is bringing his wife and HER RELATIVES (6 people) to our DS bar mitzvah. They've recently arrived to this country, have been staying with them so far, and it wouldn't feel "appropriate" to leave them behind on such an important event and that they are oh so excited. DS has never met these people, our guest lists have been made up for almost a year and now this? I told exDH "no" and he is throwing a fit. He tried to get a hold of our DS and guilt-trip him into inviting these people at the last moment. I think this is coming from the stepmother, maybe she wants to feel included.


WWYD? I really don't want to pay for people I don't know, my DS doesn't know. It's 6 extra people, not just one.

[Anonymous]

Two questions - how close are these relatives to your DS's step-mother? If these are people who will be in DS's life for awhile (even though he hasn't met them yet), that is different than distant cousins visiting from abroad who your DS will never see again. I think there is some benefit in step-mother and her family being invested in your child and being there to support him.

Would exDH be willing to pay for the relatives to attend? Would that be an acceptable solution for you?

The bottom line is that if you think that including these people will benefit your son's relationship with his father's side of the family, it might be worth considering. If they are just using your son's event to entertain out-of-town relatives, I wouldn't do it. I would also be wary about saying yes and then having some or all of these people "no show" the day of because they weren't consulted about attending this event for a kid they don't know.

[Anonymous]

If the venue can accommodate the extra people he needs to pay for them. I wouldn't die on the hill of not inviting them but I would not pay for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the venue can accommodate the extra people he needs to pay for them. I wouldn't die on the hill of not inviting them but I would not pay for it.

This is what I'd do too. Consider that the new wife will probably be uncomfortable if the only ppl she knows are the kids and your exDH, so bringing these people will make her feel better. You can suck it up for 8 hours.

[Anonymous]

My hunch is that these relatives are just pretending to be excited and would rather not go.

But putting that aside, if you can still change the head count, I suggest you allow them to come provided ex DH pays for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My hunch is that these relatives are just pretending to be excited and would rather not go.

But putting that aside, if you can still change the head count, I suggest you allow them to come provided ex DH pays for them.

Pp here. I forgot to add that it is of course ridiculous for him to make this demand two weeks before an event that you were paying for. I suggest the above because I think sang know will be more work for you, emotional energy wise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My hunch is that these relatives are just pretending to be excited and would rather not go.

But putting that aside, if you can still change the head count, I suggest you allow them to come provided ex DH pays for them.

Pp here. I forgot to add that it is of course ridiculous for him to make this demand two weeks before an event that you were paying for. I suggest the above because I think sang know will be more work for you, emotional energy wise.

*saying no

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the venue can accommodate the extra people he needs to pay for them. I wouldn't die on the hill of not inviting them but I would not pay for it.

This is what I'd do too. Consider that the new wife will probably be uncomfortable if the only ppl she knows are the kids and your exDH, so bringing these people will make her feel better. You can suck it up for 8 hours.

Not only will it make her feel better, it will keep her busy with her relatives so you and your relatives won’t have to engage in as many awkward interactions with her.

ExDH should pay though

[Anonymous]

It sucks, but this is all part of divorced life and big event planning. I'd figure out a way to include them and move on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My hunch is that these relatives are just pretending to be excited and would rather not go.

But putting that aside, if you can still change the head count, I suggest you allow them to come provided ex DH pays for them.

The person who was most supportive to me during the reading of my haftorah was a catholic Italian woman who was my dad's (jewish) best friend's wife. Every time i looked out into the congregation, she was beaming at me, and it gave me so much confidence. When they later had sons, she made sure they went to hebrew school and got bar mitzvah'd. Some people genuinely DO get excited and interested and are happy to go and be supportive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My hunch is that these relatives are just pretending to be excited and would rather not go.

But putting that aside, if you can still change the head count, I suggest you allow them to come provided ex DH pays for them.

The person who was most supportive to me during the reading of my haftorah was a catholic Italian woman who was my dad's (jewish) best friend's wife. Every time i looked out into the congregation, she was beaming at me, and it gave me so much confidence. When they later had sons, she made sure they went to hebrew school and got bar mitzvah'd. Some people genuinely DO get excited and interested and are happy to go and be supportive.

Did this lady foist herself on the celebration at the last minute?

[Anonymous]

They are your son's family and this is his special day. It sounds like you are purposely not including any of Dad's family and that is not a good example for your son. You email Dad saying you'd love to have them and that the cost of the meal is XXX and if they'd like to come, he can pay for the meal. Stop putting your child in the middle of your divorce. Allow him to celebrate with all his family, not just yours. If you are saying "our" families are going, then what exactly does that mean? You and your husband only? It should include Dad's family too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are your son's family and this is his special day. It sounds like you are purposely not including any of Dad's family and that is not a good example for your son. You email Dad saying you'd love to have them and that the cost of the meal is XXX and if they'd like to come, he can pay for the meal. Stop putting your child in the middle of your divorce. Allow him to celebrate with all his family, not just yours. If you are saying "our" families are going, then what exactly does that mean? You and your husband only? It should include Dad's family too.

OP: I am very well including his father's family. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, they are all coming. He's known them for years. But he has never met his stepmother's family, he doesn't know them. Why should he be forced to have them at one of the most important days of his life? He hasn't bothered to introduce them to him, they've been here for months and now this?

I should not be forced to pay for people my child doesn't know. This will put me into another pay bracket, reception place has limited seating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are your son's family and this is his special day. It sounds like you are purposely not including any of Dad's family and that is not a good example for your son. You email Dad saying you'd love to have them and that the cost of the meal is XXX and if they'd like to come, he can pay for the meal. Stop putting your child in the middle of your divorce. Allow him to celebrate with all his family, not just yours. If you are saying "our" families are going, then what exactly does that mean? You and your husband only? It should include Dad's family too.

OP: I am very well including his father's family. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, they are all coming. He's known them for years. But he has never met his stepmother's family, he doesn't know them. Why should he be forced to have them at one of the most important days of his life? He hasn't bothered to introduce them to him, they've been here for months and now this?

I should not be forced to pay for people my child doesn't know. This will put me into another pay bracket, reception place has limited seating.

Ask him to pay for the extra expenses. Maybe they don't introduce your child to them because of you and how hostile you are to step-mom and her family. He isn't being forced. You include them as it's the right thing to do, especially if the step-mom treats your child decently. However, it's not unreasonable to ask him to pay the extra costs.

[Anonymous]

What are you going to do if he shows up with them?