Mixed feelings about not being more outspoken about brother’s homebirth plan

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The outcome could have been exactly the same with a hospital birth. My oldest nearly died during childbirth and I had outstanding prenatal care and a hospital birth. Be grateful they were smart enough and calm enough to get the baby to the hospital.

This is such a dumb argument. “My sister drove without a seatbelt and now has severe injuries from a horrific car crash.”
“She could have had horrific injuries even if she was wearing a seatbelt.”
See how stupid that sounds? We all know wearing a seatbelt is much much safer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They wouldn’t have listened to you and might now have been feeling resentful towards you for “being right,” and they might suspect you of thinking, “I told you so.” So it’s more helpful to them now and better that you didn’t say anything. I’m sure she discussed it with her OB/GYN, who would have had much more sway and authority than you.

I’m sorry about your niece and I hope the baby comes out of it fine. Don’t feel guilty.

+1 to all of this. This is not your fault, OP. Also sending best wishes to the baby and your family. Hope they pull through okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The baby’s condition may have nothing to do with the birth plan - and it wasn’t your brothers call or anyones call but moms (yeah, unpopular opinion, but mom gets to decide where she gives birth and who is present because it’s her medical event not anyone else’s).

Say nothing at all about the birth, just find ways to be supportive that help the parents.

The baby's condition had everything to do with home birth. Over 37% of these births have issues, the things op described would not have happened in a hospital.

Most babies in the NICU were born in the hospital. OP did not provide any information that means the baby's condition is because of the homebirth - I agree that hospitals are in better position often to manage birth complications, but OP's niece/nephew is getting the medical care they require, and apparently so is mom. THAT is what matters. OP can be grateful that baby is alive and getting care, and can do things to help her brother/SIL with adjusting to parenthood.

[Anonymous]

I would have spoken up without qualms. But I don’t think OP needs to feel guilty because this was not her responsibility and it’s unlikely they would have changed their minds.

[Anonymous]

I had been in a hospital with a friend giving birth. Decided I’d do it at home (with top-notch support) where no one could force me to do anything I didn’t want to do. There was zero reason for me to subject myself to that kind of control for no good reason.

Why allow mega profit-driven strangers control MY body and MY baby’s body? They certainly do NOT care about me OR my baby more than I do. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have spoken up without qualms. But I don’t think OP needs to feel guilty because this was not her responsibility and it’s unlikely they would have changed their minds.

I agree with this. It's hard to internalize (and there's nothing wrong with OP bringing her feelings here), but ultimately you should try to let go of guilt over things you couldn't have changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The baby’s condition may have nothing to do with the birth plan - and it wasn’t your brothers call or anyones call but moms (yeah, unpopular opinion, but mom gets to decide where she gives birth and who is present because it’s her medical event not anyone else’s).

Say nothing at all about the birth, just find ways to be supportive that help the parents.

The baby's condition had everything to do with home birth. Over 37% of these births have issues, the things op described would not have happened in a hospital.

Liar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear you, op. The thing is, they very likely wouldn’t have listened to you. A woman who plans a home birth is really not likely to change her plans based on her SIL’s opinion. Honestly, if you had spoken up before, they’d probably shut you out now that it’s gone sideways for fear of hearing “I told you so”. It wasn’t your place to speak up, and it’s highly unlikely the outcome would have been any different if you had. I’m sorry.

All of this. Look at the people responding crazily in these comments about how delivering at home cannot possibly have been the problem! That's the mindset you're up against, and it's not amenable to common sense. If you had spoken up there's almost zero chance they would have changed their plans, but they'd resent the hell out of you right now for having been right and because they'd suspect you were thinking "I warned you." I'm really sorry for your new niece.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm calling troll. Even ACOG supports out of hospital birth attended by trained/quality midwives.
This is clearly just someone pushing an agenda (that they don't seem to know much about).

You sound like you are pushing an agenda

[Anonymous]

I had a homebirth with my first. It was a very very thought out decision. If my SIL had approached me with concerns and I had a good relationship with her, I would have shared my reasoning. If we did not have a close relationship, I probably would have just been annoyed. Especially if she approached me with no real knowledge of homebirth other than a judgy uninformed opinion. In no way would it have changed my mind. OP, you are not at fault for any of this and nothing you could have done would have changed the outcome. Let it go and focus on prayers for the baby’s wellbeing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm calling troll. Even ACOG supports out of hospital birth attended by trained/quality midwives.
This is clearly just someone pushing an agenda (that they don't seem to know much about).

EXACTLY. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry about your niece. I would have done exactly as you did (kept mouth shut but internally wondered if I should have said something) and would feel exactly as you do (guilt that maaaaybe you could have helped prevent this). But truly, they would not have listened to you. People who choose home births are almost always very committed to their idea and have shut out all the evidence of how dangerous it is. We have friends who tried to have a homebirth with twins and an AMA mom and even midwives turned them down but they found one who would do it. Of course they ended up with a scary emergency C in a winter storm but thankfully the kids are ok. I kind of wish home births were not allowed. So much risk and baby has no say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is just an insidious way of centering yourself. It was never about you and your judgment.

Exactly. Your brother has a baby in the NICU, and you’re making this about you.

She said she felt guilty. Let her share her feelings. Gees.

+1 OP, I can understand how you are feeling, but you truly do not need to feel guilty. Just provide emotional and helping suppirt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have spoken up without qualms. But I don’t think OP needs to feel guilty because this was not her responsibility and it’s unlikely they would have changed their minds.

I agree with this. It's hard to internalize (and there's nothing wrong with OP bringing her feelings here), but ultimately you should try to let go of guilt over things you couldn't have changed.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm calling troll. Even ACOG supports out of hospital birth attended by trained/quality midwives.
This is clearly just someone pushing an agenda (that they don't seem to know much about).

🤔 nice try.
“the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists believes that hospitals and accredited birth centers are the safest settings for birth.”

https://www.acog.org/clinical/clinical-guidance/committee-opinion/articles/2017/04/planned-home-birth