Mixed feelings about not being more outspoken about brother’s homebirth plan

[Anonymous]

When my brother told me he was having his child at home, I was naturally concerned. I have children and knew enough babies that had issues during the birth such as being stuck, severe bleeding, cord wrapped around it’s neck, etc. I didn’t want to overstep with my sister in law. The birth did not go well and the baby nearly didn’t survive. She will be in the NICU for a few months and is on a ventilator. I’m having guilt about not saying more at the time. Has anyone been in this situation? Or have the perspective of a parent who birthed at home? It’s not like I think they would have listened to me or anything but I don’t think they understood the risks since it was their first child.

[Anonymous]

100% not your business, OP.

Be supportive and STFU.

[Anonymous]

They are adults and will live with the consequences. There is nothing for you to do or say except as a loving supportive aunt. I hope the baby gets well soon.

[Anonymous]

This is just an insidious way of centering yourself. It was never about you and your judgment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is just an insidious way of centering yourself. It was never about you and your judgment.

Exactly. Your brother has a baby in the NICU, and you’re making this about you.

[Anonymous]

The baby’s condition may have nothing to do with the birth plan - and it wasn’t your brothers call or anyones call but moms (yeah, unpopular opinion, but mom gets to decide where she gives birth and who is present because it’s her medical event not anyone else’s).

Say nothing at all about the birth, just find ways to be supportive that help the parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is just an insidious way of centering yourself. It was never about you and your judgment.

Exactly. Your brother has a baby in the NICU, and you’re making this about you.

She said she felt guilty. Let her share her feelings. Gees.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately OP this is their cross to bear.

You would have never convinced them to do it a safer way. They picked it and it was their decision as dumb as it was not your business.

You can not go back in time. All you can do is support them now, they have a torturous road ahead.

[Anonymous]

That’s their business and their choice and their consequences.

[Anonymous]

I hear you, op. The thing is, they very likely wouldn’t have listened to you. A woman who plans a home birth is really not likely to change her plans based on her SIL’s opinion. Honestly, if you had spoken up before, they’d probably shut you out now that it’s gone sideways for fear of hearing “I told you so”. It wasn’t your place to speak up, and it’s highly unlikely the outcome would have been any different if you had. I’m sorry.

[Anonymous]

I think they genuinely didn’t really know how common it is to have a complication with their first because they were never under the care of an OB and sometimes the focus with a midwife is the end goal of going natural. I just feel like I should have been more positive about my own experience giving birth at the hospital (I too wanted an unmedicated vaginal birth and had a c section for my 3) and it wasn’t really that bad. It’s easy to lose sight during the pregnancy. I think after you get a different perspective that the birth and labor didn’t matter so much after all. I didn’t want to overstep which is why I didn’t share this. Obviously we respected what they decided to do and didn’t intervene and I would never say anything my brother now.

[Anonymous]

I think you are organizing all the complicated feelings you are having into guilt, but it's a misplaced emotion.

I had severe preeclampsia with my daughter. Since that time, I've tried to talk to a few people I've know who have had very obvious signs of pre-e while pregnant. I ended up being correct, but they weren't able to accept what I was saying as something valid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is just an insidious way of centering yourself. It was never about you and your judgment.

Exactly. Your brother has a baby in the NICU, and you’re making this about you.

Oh STFU. People are allowed to have feelings. She can support her brother AND feel bad about not speaking up earlier (though doubtful it would have made a difference)

[Anonymous]

OP it's too late now. And even if you had spoken up more b4 the birth they would not have listened to you. Or worse they would be actively avoiding you now as they would feel extra guilty around you.

I would just be there for them and the child as a loving sibling and Aunt.

I'm sorry this happened to them and their child.

[Anonymous]

It’s highly unlikely they would have changed their minds had you spoken up. There is no cause for you to have any guilt.