Parent in Hospice Says Death is Imminent Every Few Days

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You won’t regret the time you spent with her once she’s gone. I lost both my parents last year. On the day my mom died the hospital told us we had to leave at 5:00 pm. I was “obedient” and left and about an hour later the hospital called to say she was dying. By the time I got back to the hospital she was unconscious and barely breathing and died about a minute after I got to her side. I regret so much that I wasn’t there with her in her last hour. It’s not exactly the equivalent but you won’t have a chance to go back and be with her once she’s gone. If I were you I’d go see her every time she asks you to, even if it’s a huge effort, you will feel better about it once she is gone. I have so many regrets OP and wish I could go back in time and have been with my mom when it mattered the most.

Please do not dwell on that last hour when you had a whole life time. She might have needed to be alone right then.

This. It is not at all uncommon for people to pass away after their loved ones leave. It happened with 2 of my grandparents. I think they wait. It's OK. Your mom was OK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's scared OP. Can you bring her to your home?

Absolutely not. She screams when the kids raise their voice above a whisper. I moved her across states so that she is only a mile from my house, though.

OP based on your original post and the tone of this comment, it seems pretty clear that you do not have the emotional or mental capability to be present for your mother as she goes through the dying process. Many people do not. Be honest and admit that and discuss it with the hospice people. Then YOU (and only you) decide how much and how often (if at all) you want to see your mother.

I think going for 5 minutes with an open heart once every few days is better than spending hours there with your resentment and anger palpable to your mother.

Not OP, but this is a ridiculous shitpost.

No it's not. It's honest. OP's words/descriptions show they are struggling with this and they should talk about this with hospice. Hospice is fully experienced in understanding (and supporting) those who cannot handle the dying process.

Hospice also has a lot of experience helping people process death and dying. Suggesting that OP should check out because these phone calls are upsetting is such a weird thing to say to a person who is clearly struggling. I think you’re trying to help, but “be honest and admit thy you’re not clearly emotionally capable of being there for your mom” is not helpful or kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's scared OP. Can you bring her to your home?

Absolutely not. She screams when the kids raise their voice above a whisper. I moved her across states so that she is only a mile from my house, though.

OP based on your original post and the tone of this comment, it seems pretty clear that you do not have the emotional or mental capability to be present for your mother as she goes through the dying process. Many people do not. Be honest and admit that and discuss it with the hospice people. Then YOU (and only you) decide how much and how often (if at all) you want to see your mother.

I think going for 5 minutes with an open heart once every few days is better than spending hours there with your resentment and anger palpable to your mother.

Not OP, but this is a ridiculous shitpost.

No it's not. It's honest. OP's words/descriptions show they are struggling with this and they should talk about this with hospice. Hospice is fully experienced in understanding (and supporting) those who cannot handle the dying process.

Nothing about OP’s posts suggest she cannot handle the dying process. She asked for suggestions for how to deal with one aspect of it. Acknowledging that having her mother in her own home would not be a good dynamic in no way suggests that she cannot handle they dying process. You are just looking for an excuse to make someone else feel like shit. Get help.

Many people reach a point they cannot emotionally handle the situation (as OP has already admitted) and there is nothing wrong with being honest about that and asking professionals for help. If you feel this is "shit" advice than it's more a reflection on your own psyche.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be at peace with knowing you’re doing the best you can. I agree with the PP’s that she isn’t able to keep track of time or probably even days so it’s okay to tell her you’ll be right over then go over the following day if you can’t make it. And you don’t have to stay with her for hours unless you want to for you. Her concept of time is skewed and I’ve read (and someone with actual knowledge can maybe confirm) that even 20 minute visits are substantial enough.

My mom doesn’t remember me camping out at her bedside when she was in the hospital and she doesn’t remember being in rehab at all. As miserable as she portrayed herself to be at the time she forgot she was even there shortly after. I haven’t forgotten and it was incredibly traumatizing for me, and I’ve had a lot of guilt that my care just isn’t enough. But it actually is. And so is yours.

On a side note my dad spent three weeks in a hospice facility before he passed. We were with him ever day for several hours (and I also agree with the PP’s that if your mom is making calls she’s not very close yet). My dad passed about an hour after we’d left one day. I would swear he waited until we were gone. It’s okay not to be there when they actually pass.

Your physical presence keeps them tethered to life. My dad was almost comatose at home for three years. My mom looked after him like he was her child. Every night she would tell him "Please don't die at night when I am sleeping." He passed away in late morning with a smile on his face after she had fed him, wiped his face, and then gone to open the front door because the doorbell rang.

At some point it’s okay to let them go. When their own quality of life is non-existent keeping them here because will miss them when they’re gone becomes selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's scared OP. Can you bring her to your home?

Absolutely not. She screams when the kids raise their voice above a whisper. I moved her across states so that she is only a mile from my house, though.

OP based on your original post and the tone of this comment, it seems pretty clear that you do not have the emotional or mental capability to be present for your mother as she goes through the dying process. Many people do not. Be honest and admit that and discuss it with the hospice people. Then YOU (and only you) decide how much and how often (if at all) you want to see your mother.

I think going for 5 minutes with an open heart once every few days is better than spending hours there with your resentment and anger palpable to your mother.

?? This seems very harsh. There is nothing to indicate that OP acts resentful and angry towards her mother during their visits.

[Anonymous]

I was physically in the hospice with my Dad when he passed and I STILL feel guilty because I was asleep and I didn't wake up until the nurse came in and told me he had passed.

The last days are rough regardless. I don't think anyone feels like they did things perfectly.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

I've been through hospice with both parents, and it's one of the most challenging things you will ever experience. Please just know that you are giving your mom one of the greatest gifts possible, while demonstrating that depth of love for your kids. It's a tremendous life lesson.

Holding you and your family in the light.

[Anonymous]

OP back to weigh in for whatever it is worth.

- Mom is on wellbutrin, ativan, and haldol, but nothing is working to abate her fears.

- I know hospice will let me know when the time is truly near, assuming it is not sudden. I cannot get mom to understand that, if she is able to make the call, it probably isn't happening, though, and it didn't seem kind to give her the blow by blow of the active death process.

- I am definitely struggling to handle these calls in particular because I do feel the urge to drop everything and go. As I mentioned up the thread, I have three kids who have needs and a job as well, and the calls are especially emotionally draining in what is already a taxing situation. For example, I ended up going last night and getting up a 4 this morning to work, which is why I'm just now taking a break to check in here.

- As one of the PPs mentioned, we have had the blessing of a long dying process (I moved her in the spring), so we have had a lot of time to have every talk, and I am grateful for that. I have been nothing but kind to her - I rub her head when I visit until she falls asleep, I thank her for all she has done, I repeat that we are at peace and that I and my family are strong, etc. It may well be that I am not capable of handling things, and I certainly feel like a failure. I hope and pray, however, that my mom never senses anger or resentment from me because I do not feel those. I feel sad, defeated, so tired, and so upset that she is having to live in her body and mind with fear and stress in her final days.

- On moving her to my home, I was just trying to be clear that this isn't an option. Over the years, I had offered to move into a home with a mother-in-law suite so my mom would be closer and still have her independence. She declined, which I understood. When she was diagnosed and put into hospice quite suddenly, I didn't have the bigger house but I still offered to move her into our home. She declined repeatedly, and it is clear from her interactions with my children that everyone involved would be miserable if I moved her into my home. The noise from the kids is very stressful to her, which I completely understand, but it also is not realistic for say, a 5-year-old to only whisper in his own home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back to weigh in for whatever it is worth.

- Mom is on wellbutrin, ativan, and haldol, but nothing is working to abate her fears.

- I know hospice will let me know when the time is truly near, assuming it is not sudden. I cannot get mom to understand that, if she is able to make the call, it probably isn't happening, though, and it didn't seem kind to give her the blow by blow of the active death process.

- I am definitely struggling to handle these calls in particular because I do feel the urge to drop everything and go. As I mentioned up the thread, I have three kids who have needs and a job as well, and the calls are especially emotionally draining in what is already a taxing situation. For example, I ended up going last night and getting up a 4 this morning to work, which is why I'm just now taking a break to check in here.

- As one of the PPs mentioned, we have had the blessing of a long dying process (I moved her in the spring), so we have had a lot of time to have every talk, and I am grateful for that. I have been nothing but kind to her - I rub her head when I visit until she falls asleep, I thank her for all she has done, I repeat that we are at peace and that I and my family are strong, etc. It may well be that I am not capable of handling things, and I certainly feel like a failure. I hope and pray, however, that my mom never senses anger or resentment from me because I do not feel those. I feel sad, defeated, so tired, and so upset that she is having to live in her body and mind with fear and stress in her final days.

- On moving her to my home, I was just trying to be clear that this isn't an option. Over the years, I had offered to move into a home with a mother-in-law suite so my mom would be closer and still have her independence. She declined, which I understood. When she was diagnosed and put into hospice quite suddenly, I didn't have the bigger house but I still offered to move her into our home. She declined repeatedly, and it is clear from her interactions with my children that everyone involved would be miserable if I moved her into my home. The noise from the kids is very stressful to her, which I completely understand, but it also is not realistic for say, a 5-year-old to only whisper in his own home.

OP, I just want to repeat that you are doing all the right things. Be gentle with yourself (and ignore the unkind PP, who's totally off base).

[Anonymous]

OP, I would not push yourself to run to the hospice facility for every phone call. Just talk to her. Ask her how she’s feeling, offer to call the nurse if she needs help, reassure her that you’re there for her. All of that can be done over the phone. Not only is it okay to set some boundaries, it is critical for your own mental health. Running over every time she calls is not helping her any more than you can by talking to her on the phone so she knows you’re still present.

[Anonymous]

I wish it was easier for us to take control of this process and pass on our own terms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's scared OP. Can you bring her to your home?

Absolutely not. She screams when the kids raise their voice above a whisper. I moved her across states so that she is only a mile from my house, though.

OP based on your original post and the tone of this comment, it seems pretty clear that you do not have the emotional or mental capability to be present for your mother as she goes through the dying process. Many people do not. Be honest and admit that and discuss it with the hospice people. Then YOU (and only you) decide how much and how often (if at all) you want to see your mother.

I think going for 5 minutes with an open heart once every few days is better than spending hours there with your resentment and anger palpable to your mother.

This is mean to the OP. The hospice facility has the resources and skills to give her mother pain relief and help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back to weigh in for whatever it is worth.

- Mom is on wellbutrin, ativan, and haldol, but nothing is working to abate her fears.

- I know hospice will let me know when the time is truly near, assuming it is not sudden. I cannot get mom to understand that, if she is able to make the call, it probably isn't happening, though, and it didn't seem kind to give her the blow by blow of the active death process.

- I am definitely struggling to handle these calls in particular because I do feel the urge to drop everything and go. As I mentioned up the thread, I have three kids who have needs and a job as well, and the calls are especially emotionally draining in what is already a taxing situation. For example, I ended up going last night and getting up a 4 this morning to work, which is why I'm just now taking a break to check in here.

- As one of the PPs mentioned, we have had the blessing of a long dying process (I moved her in the spring), so we have had a lot of time to have every talk, and I am grateful for that. I have been nothing but kind to her - I rub her head when I visit until she falls asleep, I thank her for all she has done, I repeat that we are at peace and that I and my family are strong, etc. It may well be that I am not capable of handling things, and I certainly feel like a failure. I hope and pray, however, that my mom never senses anger or resentment from me because I do not feel those. I feel sad, defeated, so tired, and so upset that she is having to live in her body and mind with fear and stress in her final days.

- On moving her to my home, I was just trying to be clear that this isn't an option. Over the years, I had offered to move into a home with a mother-in-law suite so my mom would be closer and still have her independence. She declined, which I understood. When she was diagnosed and put into hospice quite suddenly, I didn't have the bigger house but I still offered to move her into our home. She declined repeatedly, and it is clear from her interactions with my children that everyone involved would be miserable if I moved her into my home. The noise from the kids is very stressful to her, which I completely understand, but it also is not realistic for say, a 5-year-old to only whisper in his own home.

First of all, OP, you're doing such an amazing job. Hugs to you.

You might want to ask the hospice nurses if the bolded is true - I could see it being a comfort for your mom to know that it's not imminent if you're not feeling x, y or z. But I don't know if that's the case.