Parent in Hospice Says Death is Imminent Every Few Days

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's scared OP. Can you bring her to your home?

Absolutely not. She screams when the kids raise their voice above a whisper. I moved her across states so that she is only a mile from my house, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s confused from age, illness, and pain medication. You need to treat her like she has dementia and don’t fight her reality. Step into her reality. When she calls saying she is dying, tell her you are coming right over. Doesn’t matter if you aren’t actually going to do that. She won’t remember that you didn’t come over. And in the moment you have given her some peace.

I agree with this approach. It's common for people to be confused, irritable, anxious, and scared towards the end of life. Sending you virtual hug OP. This is a very difficult journey and you're facing it with courage and kindness.

Signed,
nurse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's scared OP. Can you bring her to your home?

Absolutely not. She screams when the kids raise their voice above a whisper. I moved her across states so that she is only a mile from my house, though.

OP based on your original post and the tone of this comment, it seems pretty clear that you do not have the emotional or mental capability to be present for your mother as she goes through the dying process. Many people do not. Be honest and admit that and discuss it with the hospice people. Then YOU (and only you) decide how much and how often (if at all) you want to see your mother.

I think going for 5 minutes with an open heart once every few days is better than spending hours there with your resentment and anger palpable to your mother.

[Anonymous]

You won’t regret the time you spent with her once she’s gone. I lost both my parents last year. On the day my mom died the hospital told us we had to leave at 5:00 pm. I was “obedient” and left and about an hour later the hospital called to say she was dying. By the time I got back to the hospital she was unconscious and barely breathing and died about a minute after I got to her side. I regret so much that I wasn’t there with her in her last hour. It’s not exactly the equivalent but you won’t have a chance to go back and be with her once she’s gone. If I were you I’d go see her every time she asks you to, even if it’s a huge effort, you will feel better about it once she is gone. I have so many regrets OP and wish I could go back in time and have been with my mom when it mattered the most.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You won’t regret the time you spent with her once she’s gone. I lost both my parents last year. On the day my mom died the hospital told us we had to leave at 5:00 pm. I was “obedient” and left and about an hour later the hospital called to say she was dying. By the time I got back to the hospital she was unconscious and barely breathing and died about a minute after I got to her side. I regret so much that I wasn’t there with her in her last hour. It’s not exactly the equivalent but you won’t have a chance to go back and be with her once she’s gone. If I were you I’d go see her every time she asks you to, even if it’s a huge effort, you will feel better about it once she is gone. I have so many regrets OP and wish I could go back in time and have been with my mom when it mattered the most.

I agree with you and did the same for both my parents as I felt every moment was precious. But some people just cannot handle the dying process and I think OP may be one of those. It's not a judgment it's just the way it is.

One of our siblings was this way and would find any excuse to be absent because they simply could not handle it. In order to mentally justify it she would say that the dying parent yelled at her, or argued with her, or any other reason she could come up with. We understood it was because she was overwhelmed and could not handle the heartache.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You won’t regret the time you spent with her once she’s gone. I lost both my parents last year. On the day my mom died the hospital told us we had to leave at 5:00 pm. I was “obedient” and left and about an hour later the hospital called to say she was dying. By the time I got back to the hospital she was unconscious and barely breathing and died about a minute after I got to her side. I regret so much that I wasn’t there with her in her last hour. It’s not exactly the equivalent but you won’t have a chance to go back and be with her once she’s gone. If I were you I’d go see her every time she asks you to, even if it’s a huge effort, you will feel better about it once she is gone. I have so many regrets OP and wish I could go back in time and have been with my mom when it mattered the most.

I agree with you and did the same for both my parents as I felt every moment was precious. But some people just cannot handle the dying process and I think OP may be one of those. It's not a judgment it's just the way it is.

One of our siblings was this way and would find any excuse to be absent because they simply could not handle it. In order to mentally justify it she would say that the dying parent yelled at her, or argued with her, or any other reason she could come up with. We understood it was because she was overwhelmed and could not handle the heartache.

^Wanted to add that once we told this sibling it was OK to not be there, there was notably less tension and anxiety for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Is your mother eating and drinking?

[Anonymous]

I would talk to hospice about adding an anti-anxiety medication. It sounds like she’s scared and anxious, so this might help her feel more comfortable.

[Anonymous]

I think we all live in fear of being in this position. I know that I will be terrified when the time comes. I'm sure your mother is, as well. I just cannot imagine how we will all deal with it.

Hugs, OP.

[Anonymous]

Be at peace with knowing you’re doing the best you can. I agree with the PP’s that she isn’t able to keep track of time or probably even days so it’s okay to tell her you’ll be right over then go over the following day if you can’t make it. And you don’t have to stay with her for hours unless you want to for you. Her concept of time is skewed and I’ve read (and someone with actual knowledge can maybe confirm) that even 20 minute visits are substantial enough.

My mom doesn’t remember me camping out at her bedside when she was in the hospital and she doesn’t remember being in rehab at all. As miserable as she portrayed herself to be at the time she forgot she was even there shortly after. I haven’t forgotten and it was incredibly traumatizing for me, and I’ve had a lot of guilt that my care just isn’t enough. But it actually is. And so is yours.

On a side note my dad spent three weeks in a hospice facility before he passed. We were with him ever day for several hours (and I also agree with the PP’s that if your mom is making calls she’s not very close yet). My dad passed about an hour after we’d left one day. I would swear he waited until we were gone. It’s okay not to be there when they actually pass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's scared OP. Can you bring her to your home?

Absolutely not. She screams when the kids raise their voice above a whisper. I moved her across states so that she is only a mile from my house, though.

OP based on your original post and the tone of this comment, it seems pretty clear that you do not have the emotional or mental capability to be present for your mother as she goes through the dying process. Many people do not. Be honest and admit that and discuss it with the hospice people. Then YOU (and only you) decide how much and how often (if at all) you want to see your mother.

I think going for 5 minutes with an open heart once every few days is better than spending hours there with your resentment and anger palpable to your mother.

Not OP, but this is a ridiculous shitpost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You won’t regret the time you spent with her once she’s gone. I lost both my parents last year. On the day my mom died the hospital told us we had to leave at 5:00 pm. I was “obedient” and left and about an hour later the hospital called to say she was dying. By the time I got back to the hospital she was unconscious and barely breathing and died about a minute after I got to her side. I regret so much that I wasn’t there with her in her last hour. It’s not exactly the equivalent but you won’t have a chance to go back and be with her once she’s gone. If I were you I’d go see her every time she asks you to, even if it’s a huge effort, you will feel better about it once she is gone. I have so many regrets OP and wish I could go back in time and have been with my mom when it mattered the most.

Please do not dwell on that last hour when you had a whole life time. She might have needed to be alone right then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be at peace with knowing you’re doing the best you can. I agree with the PP’s that she isn’t able to keep track of time or probably even days so it’s okay to tell her you’ll be right over then go over the following day if you can’t make it. And you don’t have to stay with her for hours unless you want to for you. Her concept of time is skewed and I’ve read (and someone with actual knowledge can maybe confirm) that even 20 minute visits are substantial enough.

My mom doesn’t remember me camping out at her bedside when she was in the hospital and she doesn’t remember being in rehab at all. As miserable as she portrayed herself to be at the time she forgot she was even there shortly after. I haven’t forgotten and it was incredibly traumatizing for me, and I’ve had a lot of guilt that my care just isn’t enough. But it actually is. And so is yours.

On a side note my dad spent three weeks in a hospice facility before he passed. We were with him ever day for several hours (and I also agree with the PP’s that if your mom is making calls she’s not very close yet). My dad passed about an hour after we’d left one day. I would swear he waited until we were gone. It’s okay not to be there when they actually pass.

Your physical presence keeps them tethered to life. My dad was almost comatose at home for three years. My mom looked after him like he was her child. Every night she would tell him "Please don't die at night when I am sleeping." He passed away in late morning with a smile on his face after she had fed him, wiped his face, and then gone to open the front door because the doorbell rang.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's scared OP. Can you bring her to your home?

Absolutely not. She screams when the kids raise their voice above a whisper. I moved her across states so that she is only a mile from my house, though.

OP based on your original post and the tone of this comment, it seems pretty clear that you do not have the emotional or mental capability to be present for your mother as she goes through the dying process. Many people do not. Be honest and admit that and discuss it with the hospice people. Then YOU (and only you) decide how much and how often (if at all) you want to see your mother.

I think going for 5 minutes with an open heart once every few days is better than spending hours there with your resentment and anger palpable to your mother.

Not OP, but this is a ridiculous shitpost.

No it's not. It's honest. OP's words/descriptions show they are struggling with this and they should talk about this with hospice. Hospice is fully experienced in understanding (and supporting) those who cannot handle the dying process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's scared OP. Can you bring her to your home?

Absolutely not. She screams when the kids raise their voice above a whisper. I moved her across states so that she is only a mile from my house, though.

OP based on your original post and the tone of this comment, it seems pretty clear that you do not have the emotional or mental capability to be present for your mother as she goes through the dying process. Many people do not. Be honest and admit that and discuss it with the hospice people. Then YOU (and only you) decide how much and how often (if at all) you want to see your mother.

I think going for 5 minutes with an open heart once every few days is better than spending hours there with your resentment and anger palpable to your mother.

Not OP, but this is a ridiculous shitpost.

No it's not. It's honest. OP's words/descriptions show they are struggling with this and they should talk about this with hospice. Hospice is fully experienced in understanding (and supporting) those who cannot handle the dying process.

Nothing about OP’s posts suggest she cannot handle the dying process. She asked for suggestions for how to deal with one aspect of it. Acknowledging that having her mother in her own home would not be a good dynamic in no way suggests that she cannot handle they dying process. You are just looking for an excuse to make someone else feel like shit. Get help.