Parent in Hospice Says Death is Imminent Every Few Days

[Anonymous]

My mom's in hospice with cancer and is in her final weeks. Every 48-72 hours since she began to steeply decline a few weeks ago, she has called to tell me to come immediately because she is dying within hours.

Thoughts on how to address, including how I can keep this from taking such an emotional toll on me? FWIW:

- She is no longer able to cognitively understand what I'm telling her (e.g. the specific symptoms she's describing are side effects of medication that the doctors say are unavoidable if her pain is managed).

- Hospice has suggested that the only alternative is to heavily sedate her.

- I visit her six days a week and am on the phone with her at least an hour a day about other care-related things, so this doesn't seem like attention seeking.

- There doesn't seem to be a pattern for when these spells come on. For example, she called today within five minutes of my husband leaving after a two-hour visit, and he said she was fine.

[Anonymous]

Yes, the end days are very often hard on people. This will not last long, she will surely pass away soon. There is no need to manage anything. If you can come at her beck and call for the next few weeks and it gives her comfort, security and peace, why not do it?

There is nothing to remedy here. It is heartbreaking. If you are very lucky, you will be there at her last moments. Else, she will likely pass away soon after you leave her after a visit. Usually they pass in night time and they pass in pain and fear.

She can pass away at any moment. There is nothing you can do to make it better for you or for her. I am so sorry for you.

[Anonymous]

OP, there is no way you can escape this emotional toll. This is always hard.

My suggestion is to make these days count. Read to her, sing to her, pray in front of her. Bring flowers to her. It is a long and painful goodbye. Let there nothing loving remain unsaid. Forgive her if she has injured you. Thank her if she has done anything worthwhile for you. Don't shame her for her unreasonable need of you. She cannot help it at all.

[Anonymous]

Op, many loved ones pass when the person steps out of the room. That happens a lot so there is no real way to plan on being there *when it happens*. So prepare not to beat yourself up about that, if it happens.

I would just say something calming like, "I'll be right there with you in a moment Mom." Chances are she will not be able to follow time.Say something reassuring

Then, you do what you are able to do. You do that and work to find peace w/that amount of time, whenever it is.

[Anonymous]

If she’s making phone calls she’s probably not about to die. Most ppl experience several days or even a week of minimal responsiveness and delirium before death. This is just her way of processing her fear and anxiety. Ask about a non sedating dose of an anti anxiety medication.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP. There are no real answers, but here are a few thoughts, based on what I found helpful in my mom's last days and the months since:

- given the cognitive decline you describe she won't retain anger or bitterness at you for not being there at any given moment. But you will always know that you were there six days a week and spending tons of time on the phone w/ her daily. You are doing that and you need to give yourself credit now and in the future when she's on your mind.
- hospice personnel are amazing. They will almost certainly know when the end is truly imminent and will be able to give you warning. You should talk about this with them so they can tell you what to expect.
- You will not be able to make her end of life experience perfect. It's not possible and you can't control things. It will happen however it's going to happen. But no matter how it happens, you are giving your all.
- It would not change her outcome, or significantly alter the course of events, if you were to camp out at her bedside 24/7. It might not even help her or be a positive experience for her. But it would likely be impossible for you and your family and take a terrible toll. You have obligations to yourself, your husband, maybe kids/job/other commitments? that don't stop during this period. You have to "keep the train on the tracks".
- You can only manage her care if you are keeping your head above water. If you make yourself crazy w/ guilt or overextending yourself you might not be able to cope with whatever you need to manage when the time comes.
- if she's in hospice then you are ensuring she is comfortable, well cared for, and safe. You're doing an amazing job OP.

Don't beat yourself up. Death is hard. You are getting the gift of a slow, prolonged goodbye - which is affording you tons more time w/ your mom. That also brings with it guilt, stress, uncertainly, guilt, worry, guilt... But you're doing a great job in an unwinable situation.

Think about what you would say to your best friend in a similar circumstance and extend the same grace to yourself. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you all for the kind responses, especially immediate PP. Yes, I have youngish kids at home (11, 8, and 5), a full time office job (I am primary breadwinner), a DH, etc. I feel like I'm failing everyone and everything and it I'm barely getting through it.

[Anonymous]

OP, she is scared. That's why she calls. She is scared and confused. It doesn't matter that someone just left or whether the symptoms are side effects or what. She is scared. Likely what she needs is comfort, warmth. She needs someone to tell her that it's okay to be scared, you can call me, every time, for as long as you can.

I was the one receiving these phone calls when my dad was in hospice, when he was still able to make phone calls. He would call to complain about nurses. Or he'd call me to tell me how sick of being sick he was, how tired. I just kept saying, "I know you're tired. I love you. I'll talk to you in a few hours." (He lived on the other side of the country and when he entered hospice I was stuck here with COVID and could not have come to be with him anyway.)

Your needs are important. You are doing a lot. You don't have to come every time she calls, but when it was me, I tried to answer every single call, because that was presence I could give her.

[Anonymous]

She's scared OP. Can you bring her to your home?

[Anonymous]

OP, a pp had an excellent point -- if she's making phone calls, she is not about to pass.

She's scared and needs reassurance that you will be coming to be with her. Her perception of time, though. will not be accurate ... and that is a good thing ... so visit on your schedule, and the length you stay, she will not be able to gauge that either.

[Anonymous]

I agree with pp’s that her calls likely mean she’s not about to pass, and that the is is more about her own fear/anxiety. I would consider talking to her doctor about whether he can prescribe something for anxiety. Not to sedate her bro unconsciousness, but something that might help her relax and feel more at peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she’s making phone calls she’s probably not about to die. Most ppl experience several days or even a week of minimal responsiveness and delirium before death. This is just her way of processing her fear and anxiety. Ask about a non sedating dose of an anti anxiety medication.

. This. My father just died in hospice and he would not have been able to call anyone at the end or even talk. Hospice will tell you when it is truly the end...about a day after urine output ends.

[Anonymous]

So sorry you are having to cope with this OP. Do you think your friends or coworkers could take some of your other responsibilities so that you won’t feel so stressed? If you were my friend and dealing with this, I would offer to care for your kids or do your housework so that you could have time for your mom and yourself. Hang in there. What you and your mom are going through sounds so hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all for the kind responses, especially immediate PP. Yes, I have youngish kids at home (11, 8, and 5), a full time office job (I am primary breadwinner), a DH, etc. I feel like I'm failing everyone and everything and it I'm barely getting through it.

OP, I am sorry you are going through this. You sound like a wonderful person who cares a lot about your loved ones. Just do your best - God and grace will get you through.

[Anonymous]

She’s confused from age, illness, and pain medication. You need to treat her like she has dementia and don’t fight her reality. Step into her reality. When she calls saying she is dying, tell her you are coming right over. Doesn’t matter if you aren’t actually going to do that. She won’t remember that you didn’t come over. And in the moment you have given her some peace.