LDR situationship with a guy friend in mid-life

[Anonymous]

Enjoy the sex and intimacy. Be yourself (whatever that means to you) re: communication. You CAN say to him - hey, this is too much. Or whatever you want to ...

[Anonymous]

OP of this thread here. We broke up two nights ago and I put on a brave face but I’m feeling crushed. It was just too much emotion for the distance, I wanted to talk about the future and he felt it was impossible (he can’t move his kids and I can’t realistically move mine either away from their dad).

I don’t know if it’s truly the end, part of me hopes it is and the other part is just confused and hurt and missing him. This relationship was miles ahead of anything I’ve ever experienced before. It felt like “this is it.” I’m definitely glad it happened and I wish him well. We agreed we both wanted to remain good, actual friends.

I guess the advice is just, keep busy, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP of this thread here. We broke up two nights ago and I put on a brave face but I’m feeling crushed. It was just too much emotion for the distance, I wanted to talk about the future and he felt it was impossible (he can’t move his kids and I can’t realistically move mine either away from their dad).

I don’t know if it’s truly the end, part of me hopes it is and the other part is just confused and hurt and missing him. This relationship was miles ahead of anything I’ve ever experienced before. It felt like “this is it.” I’m definitely glad it happened and I wish him well. We agreed we both wanted to remain good, actual friends.

I guess the advice is just, keep busy, right?

Sending you a hug, OP. With 15+ years of history, you never know what will happen in the future. I’m currently 7 years into a long distance relationship with my BF who I’ve known for decades as well. We both have one kid each whom we prioritize above all else, but guess what? Kids grow up… If you really are each other’s “this is it,” you’ll find each other again.

[Anonymous]

Getting burned is unimportant. You are NOT uprooting your family. And he isn't. Establish a pattern that you are comfortable with, and enforce it. No need to talk about it, just act it. Your problem is: you're not feeling empowered, or you're starting to sense that you could likely feel very less empowered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reason the sex is so good is because neither of you care.

Honestly this. It's easy. He gets the emotional support and sex of having a girlfriend without having to do the work of a boyfriend.
Same with op as far as sex goes.
It's not a real relationship.
It's fantasy it's fun stuff.
My advice is not to cut yourself off from a relationship nearby ( if you might want one) by being caught up in this guy.

Do not get pregnant. I repeat do not get pregnant.

The ratio of text to sex is so high that it doesn’t seem like it would be worth it if it were just about the sex. Surely he can find women locally to just sleep with.

He can, and would if he could. I don’t know what the sex ratio is in a remote place like the Canadian tundra but there can’t be many available women. He might be really bored, the sun is setting at like 3pm up there.

^ This, but also there is a serious "falling in love with yourself" thing that happens when you're texting a lot, or emailing a lot, with someone you aren't actually involved with. He's texting a lot because he likes who he perceives himself to be in these texts. Gd, I remember this dynamic so hard from back in ye olden times when I used to do some online dating. You'd message back and forth with someone and be totally convinced they were incredible, they were maybe even The One! - and then you'd get together and they were just a person. It's just extremely gratifying to message back and forth with someone who finds you witty and interesting and sexy - it just is. Here, it probably helps that you guys actually have hot s*x, too =- but I have to agree with the PP that the s*x is so good, at least in part, because it's new and neither of you is going to have to do the dishes or argue over which couch to buy afterwards.

Even if this could go somewhere great - it can't. For really important reasons. Unless you are willing to be in a very very long distance relationship for a VERY very long time, this has to stay somewhat casual. PP is right that after your kids are older, if you and he want to give this a real shot, you can. But now, it's just not possible. So do whatever you need to do to protect yourself and your feelings, if you think you could end up getting really hung up on this guy.

I'm glad you're getting to enjoy this, though. Hot s** with someone who I don't have to talk about couches or dishes with is one of the only things I miss back from my dating days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Getting burned is unimportant. You are NOT uprooting your family. And he isn't. Establish a pattern that you are comfortable with, and enforce it. No need to talk about it, just act it. Your problem is: you're not feeling empowered, or you're starting to sense that you could likely feel very less empowered.

Can you elaborate? I don’t completely understand what you mean, but it seems pretty profound.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP of this thread here. We broke up two nights ago and I put on a brave face but I’m feeling crushed. It was just too much emotion for the distance, I wanted to talk about the future and he felt it was impossible (he can’t move his kids and I can’t realistically move mine either away from their dad).

I don’t know if it’s truly the end, part of me hopes it is and the other part is just confused and hurt and missing him. This relationship was miles ahead of anything I’ve ever experienced before. It felt like “this is it.” I’m definitely glad it happened and I wish him well. We agreed we both wanted to remain good, actual friends.

I guess the advice is just, keep busy, right?

I'm really sorry, PP. Yeah, keep busy - and go on the apps and find some dates you can go on with people who are local.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP of this thread here. We broke up two nights ago and I put on a brave face but I’m feeling crushed. It was just too much emotion for the distance, I wanted to talk about the future and he felt it was impossible (he can’t move his kids and I can’t realistically move mine either away from their dad).

I don’t know if it’s truly the end, part of me hopes it is and the other part is just confused and hurt and missing him. This relationship was miles ahead of anything I’ve ever experienced before. It felt like “this is it.” I’m definitely glad it happened and I wish him well. We agreed we both wanted to remain good, actual friends.

I guess the advice is just, keep busy, right?

Sending you a hug, OP. With 15+ years of history, you never know what will happen in the future. I’m currently 7 years into a long distance relationship with my BF who I’ve known for decades as well. We both have one kid each whom we prioritize above all else, but guess what? Kids grow up… If you really are each other’s “this is it,” you’ll find each other again.

100% this. It's a no for now, dog.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP of this thread here. We broke up two nights ago and I put on a brave face but I’m feeling crushed. It was just too much emotion for the distance, I wanted to talk about the future and he felt it was impossible (he can’t move his kids and I can’t realistically move mine either away from their dad).

I don’t know if it’s truly the end, part of me hopes it is and the other part is just confused and hurt and missing him. This relationship was miles ahead of anything I’ve ever experienced before. It felt like “this is it.” I’m definitely glad it happened and I wish him well. We agreed we both wanted to remain good, actual friends.

I guess the advice is just, keep busy, right?

It's the end. If it's not, it should be. Don't plan to be "good, actual friends" for very long. Once he finds someone else (and he will) I am sure his new love will not appreciate your continued involvement with him. I don't care what anyone says, if you've been lovers with someone you can never really be "just friends" again in the eyes of anyone else you get involved with.

Finally, realize that if you were to get seriously involved with him you would soon occupy the role of "wicked stepmother" as far as his kids are concerned. No matter the circumstances, children (and their mothers and everyone else) does NOT approve of any woman who gets involved with someone else's kids. It's a no-win. Stepmothers are hated. Period.

[Anonymous]

I have been used as a "pen pal" via text from a few men. It's because they are bored/lonely/too lazy for a real relationship/too busy in real life and you provide an outlet and a fantasy and occasional sex. Enough that it boosts their ego like they "still got it", keeps them excited sexually and romantically, and requires no actual commitments. He is comfortable with you so can be more intimate emotionally, which is less risk than dating someone new. He knows you like him as a human since you were friends first, which is not guaranteed when dating either. If you were friends first, you share interests and you're probably smart/interesting/witty which is important too.

I guarantee if you start wanting more than texting it will fall apart - that's what happened to me.

Signed,
Ex-pen pal with 3 middle age men who on paper seem impressive

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP of this thread here. We broke up two nights ago and I put on a brave face but I’m feeling crushed. It was just too much emotion for the distance, I wanted to talk about the future and he felt it was impossible (he can’t move his kids and I can’t realistically move mine either away from their dad).

I don’t know if it’s truly the end, part of me hopes it is and the other part is just confused and hurt and missing him. This relationship was miles ahead of anything I’ve ever experienced before. It felt like “this is it.” I’m definitely glad it happened and I wish him well. We agreed we both wanted to remain good, actual friends.

I guess the advice is just, keep busy, right?

It's the end. If it's not, it should be. Don't plan to be "good, actual friends" for very long. Once he finds someone else (and he will) I am sure his new love will not appreciate your continued involvement with him. I don't care what anyone says, if you've been lovers with someone you can never really be "just friends" again in the eyes of anyone else you get involved with.

Finally, realize that if you were to get seriously involved with him you would soon occupy the role of "wicked stepmother" as far as his kids are concerned. No matter the circumstances, children (and their mothers and everyone else) does NOT approve of any woman who gets involved with someone else's kids. It's a no-win. Stepmothers are hated. Period.

Not OP. You have a warped view of the world. I am still friends with ex-lovers. Good people remain friends with good people no matter our life trajectories. Like one poster said, maybe it will work out in the future.

As for northern BC, where is he based? Just curious because I worked up there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Northern British Columbia is an amazing place to live. With two young kids, I’d move there in a heartbeat. Are you sure their dad wouldn’t be ok with moving? Maybe he’s sick of DC.

Anyway, fantasy aside — maybe you can spend part of the summer there. Maybe he could come to DC for extended amounts of time.

Most Americans cannot just move to Canada and establish residency.

Yes. Hello people. Very hard to move to Canada unless you are a neurosurgeon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been used as a "pen pal" via text from a few men. It's because they are bored/lonely/too lazy for a real relationship/too busy in real life and you provide an outlet and a fantasy and occasional sex. Enough that it boosts their ego like they "still got it", keeps them excited sexually and romantically, and requires no actual commitments. He is comfortable with you so can be more intimate emotionally, which is less risk than dating someone new. He knows you like him as a human since you were friends first, which is not guaranteed when dating either. If you were friends first, you share interests and you're probably smart/interesting/witty which is important too.

I guarantee if you start wanting more than texting it will fall apart - that's what happened to me.

Signed,
Ex-pen pal with 3 middle age men who on paper seem impressive

I think this is what is going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP of this thread here. We broke up two nights ago and I put on a brave face but I’m feeling crushed. It was just too much emotion for the distance, I wanted to talk about the future and he felt it was impossible (he can’t move his kids and I can’t realistically move mine either away from their dad).

I don’t know if it’s truly the end, part of me hopes it is and the other part is just confused and hurt and missing him. This relationship was miles ahead of anything I’ve ever experienced before. It felt like “this is it.” I’m definitely glad it happened and I wish him well. We agreed we both wanted to remain good, actual friends.

I guess the advice is just, keep busy, right?

It's the end. If it's not, it should be. Don't plan to be "good, actual friends" for very long. Once he finds someone else (and he will) I am sure his new love will not appreciate your continued involvement with him. I don't care what anyone says, if you've been lovers with someone you can never really be "just friends" again in the eyes of anyone else you get involved with.

Finally, realize that if you were to get seriously involved with him you would soon occupy the role of "wicked stepmother" as far as his kids are concerned. No matter the circumstances, children (and their mothers and everyone else) does NOT approve of any woman who gets involved with someone else's kids. It's a no-win. Stepmothers are hated. Period.

Not OP. You have a warped view of the world. I am still friends with ex-lovers. Good people remain friends with good people no matter our life trajectories. Like one poster said, maybe it will work out in the future.

As for northern BC, where is he based? Just curious because I worked up there.

Thanks, PP. I agree.

He’s north of PG but since the communities are pretty small up there, I prefer not to name it. I hope you enjoyed your time there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been used as a "pen pal" via text from a few men. It's because they are bored/lonely/too lazy for a real relationship/too busy in real life and you provide an outlet and a fantasy and occasional sex. Enough that it boosts their ego like they "still got it", keeps them excited sexually and romantically, and requires no actual commitments. He is comfortable with you so can be more intimate emotionally, which is less risk than dating someone new. He knows you like him as a human since you were friends first, which is not guaranteed when dating either. If you were friends first, you share interests and you're probably smart/interesting/witty which is important too.

I guarantee if you start wanting more than texting it will fall apart - that's what happened to me.

Signed,
Ex-pen pal with 3 middle age men who on paper seem impressive

I think this is what is going on.

We have known each other for a long time, it’s not just texting. When I first posted, I was just surprised by the amount of texting. I dialed it down over time to try to manage my emotions but even so, 9+ months later I feel like the uncertainty is getting to me. The friendship and intimacy were never missing.