LDR situationship with a guy friend in mid-life

[Anonymous]

We are in our late 30s, both divorced with elementary aged kids. We have been friends for over 15 years, and after our respective divorces (his 5 years ago; mine 3 years ago), became closer friends about two years ago. He lives a 10 hour trip away now (northern British Columbia, I’m in DC). Over the past 6-7 months, we have seen each other 3 times when he has been here for work and the last two times we hooked up. He’s the lid to my pot in bed in every way, easily the best sex of my life. And we have a lot in common as friends, but I can’t see either of us uprooting our kids just to see if there’s more to it.

Here’s the kicker: despite both of us having told each other we don’t want anything more serious, he texts me daily, or at least every other day. Occasionally, like after talking about the fact we don’t want anything more, he withdraws for a week but is then back. I know him well as a friend and we mostly talk about work and life with kids and only flirt a little by text (I discourage it because it makes me more emotionally involved and I don’t want to get attached). My question is: why is he in touch so frequently if he doesn’t actually want anything more? I guess some people just like texting that much? Can I assume he’s texting 5 other women just as frequently? I am being very guarded with him because I think I could really fall for him and don’t want to get burned. I am interested in everyone’s opinion but especially if there’s a guy on this board who has been in a similar situation.

[Anonymous]

He may just feel comfortable with you, there is a history there. He could be dating other women but my guess is he's not (If neither of you want anything out of this, then why don't you ask?). If he is they are are not to a stage of daily communication.

My gut says you both have the feels. Ask yourself why you're interested in casual sex leading to nothing with someone 10 hours away? You're not. Neither is he. Dig beneath the surface a bit and ask the hard questions. Amirite?

Single dad

[Anonymous]

This seems worth it, OP. The real deal. "Uprooting" is less scary than people think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This seems worth it, OP. The real deal. "Uprooting" is less scary than people think.

Except they both have ES age kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems worth it, OP. The real deal. "Uprooting" is less scary than people think.

Except they both have ES age kids.

You know school exists in other places, right?

[Anonymous]

The reason the sex is so good is because neither of you care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The reason the sex is so good is because neither of you care.

+1 of course, they don’t even live in the same place!

[Anonymous]

He is texting because he is bored and likes to talk to you. If he was busy and has an interesting life he wouldn’t be texting so often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems worth it, OP. The real deal. "Uprooting" is less scary than people think.

Except they both have ES age kids.

You know school exists in other places, right?

Do the childrens’ other parents exist in other places?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He may just feel comfortable with you, there is a history there. He could be dating other women but my guess is he's not (If neither of you want anything out of this, then why don't you ask?). If he is they are are not to a stage of daily communication.

My gut says you both have the feels. Ask yourself why you're interested in casual sex leading to nothing with someone 10 hours away? You're not. Neither is he. Dig beneath the surface a bit and ask the hard questions. Amirite?

Single dad

Thanks for this perspective. My gut feeling is leaning that way too but I am not sure. You’re right in that I should bring it up.

To the other PP, I just can’t see how either could relocate, the other parents both live in the same location as their kids and I couldn’t take mine away from their dad. Also, he runs a successful business and is a great dad so the last thing he is doing is sitting on his hands and wondering whom to text.

[Anonymous]

OP, do not fantasize about uprooting your kids away from their dad or asking him to be an absent father. Nothing wrong with taking the occasion vacation together and enjoying this mind-blowing sex. If you are both still single after you launch your kids, you can explore something more serous then. But my guess is that this fizzles before then - but enjoy what you can for now in a way that works for the way your lives are set up right now.

[Anonymous]

It’s easy and comfortable intimacy without the bother of the daily minutiae of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, do not fantasize about uprooting your kids away from their dad or asking him to be an absent father. Nothing wrong with taking the occasion vacation together and enjoying this mind-blowing sex. If you are both still single after you launch your kids, you can explore something more serous then. But my guess is that this fizzles before then - but enjoy what you can for now in a way that works for the way your lives are set up right now.

Great advice. I am not fantasizing about it at all. I guess I’m trying to figure out if I can continue this “situationship” without getting too hurt or hurting him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The reason the sex is so good is because neither of you care.

Honestly this. It's easy. He gets the emotional support and sex of having a girlfriend without having to do the work of a boyfriend.
Same with op as far as sex goes.
It's not a real relationship.
It's fantasy it's fun stuff.
My advice is not to cut yourself off from a relationship nearby ( if you might want one) by being caught up in this guy.

Do not get pregnant. I repeat do not get pregnant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reason the sex is so good is because neither of you care.

Honestly this. It's easy. He gets the emotional support and sex of having a girlfriend without having to do the work of a boyfriend.
Same with op as far as sex goes.
It's not a real relationship.
It's fantasy it's fun stuff.
My advice is not to cut yourself off from a relationship nearby ( if you might want one) by being caught up in this guy.

Do not get pregnant. I repeat do not get pregnant.

The ratio of text to sex is so high that it doesn’t seem like it would be worth it if it were just about the sex. Surely he can find women locally to just sleep with.