I hosted Thanksgiving yesterday and not a single person offered to bring something

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanksgiving is the most sexist day on the planet. I hate it.

If you act like a mealy-mouthed ninny, it sure can be. If you act like an adult woman, it isn’t and never will be. Choose Your Own Adventure.

Ask for help. When you invite, ask if they can bring X or Y. Come out of the kitchen and say that you’d appreciate it if someone played Candyland with Larla while you cleaned up, or even better, someone play Candyland and Uncle Bob, can you take out the trash. Etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I (32F) hosted Thanksgiving yesterday for my dad's side of the family and not a single person offered to bring something. I am married and have two small kids ages 4 and 1.

Attendees included:
-My dad and his girlfriend (late 60s)
-My brother and his girlfriend (both 28)
-My other brother and his girlfriend (29/20)
-My uncle and his wife (early 60s)

My DH is great and tried his best to keep the kids entertained while I cooked all day. When everyone say down for the meal, people kept needing really specific things (garlic salt, a pitcher for water, hot sauce, cinnamon) so I'd repeatedly have to get up and go to the kitchen just as I was about to finally take my first bite every time to the point that I felt like it was a joke or an episode of "What Would You Do". At one point, I went in the kitchen to laugh so I didn't cry. Did no one notice I'm the only person of the bunch with small kids AND the only person that did any preparations, cooking, or clean up (DH helped with clean up)? Even when I was trying to clean up, my 4yo was hanging on my legs asking me to play Candyland with her. I finally said "DD, go ask your uncles or Papa to play with you" so she did and they said there was an awkward silence followed by one "maybe later".

I guess I'm just shocked. Maybe I should have delegated and said X can you bring Y, but I felt like the mistreated help and it's still bothering me today.

Your dad. Your uncle. Your 2 brothers. See a pattern?

And no one asked about bringing anything (pie, wine, flower arrangement, cheese plate)?

This really goes with the whole "women are stucking doing Thanksgiving" theme that I am seeing on here today. I have to think that your mom, an aunt, and 2 sisters would have all reached out. You have now BTDT. Next year, if you host, assign assign assign.

[Anonymous]

And what was your husband doing this whole time?

She says in the post what he did.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry, this is awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you volunteered to host. Isn’t that what a host does? You didn’t send anything out to request people bring stuff.

Well, what does a guest do? I thought they were expected to at least offer.

…and if they don’t offer, you don’t sulk in a corner and act like a giant martyr drama queen. You open your mouth, like an adult woman, and speak words:
“Could you please bring pie”
“Would you please bring wine”
“I need some help cleaning up”
“Billy, can you please take Larla to the playground down the street to run off some energy while I clean the kitchen”
“Hey Dad, could you please help clear the table”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanksgiving is the most sexist day on the planet. I hate it.

If you act like a mealy-mouthed ninny, it sure can be. If you act like an adult woman, it isn’t and never will be. Choose Your Own Adventure.

Ask for help. When you invite, ask if they can bring X or Y. Come out of the kitchen and say that you’d appreciate it if someone played Candyland with Larla while you cleaned up, or even better, someone play Candyland and Uncle Bob, can you take out the trash. Etc.

This is the whole crux of the issue. They're all adults yet have never been taught to offer help. You have to ask and delegate them like they're children.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Wow, ok I am realizing I had no idea that there are holidays that are not potluck style. Growing up, my mom and aunts each had their designated dish. DH and I have been together since high school (so it's not like I've been to many different families' holidays) and in his family, everyone also brings something.

Thanks for the perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you volunteered to host. Isn’t that what a host does? You didn’t send anything out to request people bring stuff.

Well, what does a guest do? I thought they were expected to at least offer.

…and if they don’t offer, you don’t sulk in a corner and act like a giant martyr drama queen. You open your mouth, like an adult woman, and speak words:
“Could you please bring pie”
“Would you please bring wine”
“I need some help cleaning up”
“Billy, can you please take Larla to the playground down the street to run off some energy while I clean the kitchen”
“Hey Dad, could you please help clear the table”

This is the best approach anyway. People are usually happy to comply with requests and they don't feel like they are stepping on anyone's toes.

[Anonymous]

These people are obnoxious. It is totally normal for family to ask what they can bring to a holiday meal — unless there is some formal hosting tradition, and it does not sound like this is the case. That said, I’m glad none of the wives stepped. This is totally on your dad, uncle and brothers. They are the only ones you should blame.

I will say that I don’t understand how you just realized this the day of. Once you were creating a shopping list for EVERYTHING, you should have the confidence to call your own family and start handing out assignments. And just tell them where the garlic salt is while you eat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Wow, ok I am realizing I had no idea that there are holidays that are not potluck style. Growing up, my mom and aunts each had their designated dish. DH and I have been together since high school (so it's not like I've been to many different families' holidays) and in his family, everyone also brings something.

Thanks for the perspective.

Yeah, everyone's different. When I was growing up, food was put away, but the dishes in the sink/counter until the next day. My mom and dad just joined the guests in the living room after dinner. Personally, I do the dishes, but I can't stand having help. I just like to pour a drink and enjoy the silence. I have to shoo my DH's relatives out and then they get offended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanksgiving is the most sexist day on the planet. I hate it.

Speak for yourself. My brother-in-law made our entire extended family TG dinner for over a decade while my sister sat on her a$$ and did nothing. Not every family is like yours.

I think I might be your sister. My DH makes Thanksgiving dinner from start to finish. Guess who does all the cleaning, shopping? So yeah, I will "sit on my A$$".

He does the shopping too. And the visiting family does the clean up. So, no you’re not my sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanksgiving is the most sexist day on the planet. I hate it.

Speak for yourself. My brother-in-law made our entire extended family TG dinner for over a decade while my sister sat on her a$$ and did nothing. Not every family is like yours.

I think I might be your sister. My DH makes Thanksgiving dinner from start to finish. Guess who does all the cleaning, shopping? So yeah, I will "sit on my A$$".

Good for you, PP! Getting all of the ingredients and cleaning are huge tasks. Everybody makes a big deal about cooking, but that is only PART of hosting, especially if you have overnight guests. Sit away. I will bring you a glass of wine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I (32F) hosted Thanksgiving yesterday for my dad's side of the family and not a single person offered to bring something. I am married and have two small kids ages 4 and 1.

Attendees included:
-My dad and his girlfriend (late 60s)
-My brother and his girlfriend (both 28)
-My other brother and his girlfriend (29/20)
-My uncle and his wife (early 60s)

My DH is great and tried his best to keep the kids entertained while I cooked all day. When everyone say down for the meal, people kept needing really specific things (garlic salt, a pitcher for water, hot sauce, cinnamon) so I'd repeatedly have to get up and go to the kitchen just as I was about to finally take my first bite every time to the point that I felt like it was a joke or an episode of "What Would You Do". At one point, I went in the kitchen to laugh so I didn't cry. Did no one notice I'm the only person of the bunch with small kids AND the only person that did any preparations, cooking, or clean up (DH helped with clean up)? Even when I was trying to clean up, my 4yo was hanging on my legs asking me to play Candyland with her. I finally said "DD, go ask your uncles or Papa to play with you" so she did and they said there was an awkward silence followed by one "maybe later".

I guess I'm just shocked. Maybe I should have delegated and said X can you bring Y, but I felt like the mistreated help and it's still bothering me today.

Your dad. Your uncle. Your 2 brothers. See a pattern?

And no one asked about bringing anything (pie, wine, flower arrangement, cheese plate)?

This really goes with the whole "women are stucking doing Thanksgiving" theme that I am seeing on here today. I have to think that your mom, an aunt, and 2 sisters would have all reached out. You have now BTDT. Next year, if you host, assign assign assign.

100% this. I'm sorry you had to learn this lesson the hard way. Next year you'll know different. And if everyone just assumes you are hosting (without bothering to ask you), I would take the reins and say, "DH and I are happy to host Thanksgiving again this year and I would love your help with a side dish for the meal. Do you think you can bring a [vegetable/side/wine/whatever]? Thank you so much! We can't wait to see you!" DH also needs to step up and help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP, I get it. My DH's family has apparently decided that we are now responsible for hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas every year. I am pregnant with a toddler this year. Things always go the way yours did and it's especially irritating when you're also trying to parent young children.
At least when my family can attend they help watch the toddler and don't ask me to get them a million things.

If you keep acting like a doormat, they will treat you like one.

It’s that simple. If you want the dynamic to change, change it. If the dynamic is unacceptable, don’t accept it.

Grow a freaking spine.

[Anonymous]

The Candyland bit is just, yikes. The self absorption.