I hosted Thanksgiving yesterday and not a single person offered to bring something

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I (32F) hosted Thanksgiving yesterday for my dad's side of the family and not a single person offered to bring something. I am married and have two small kids ages 4 and 1.

Attendees included:
-My dad and his girlfriend (late 60s)
-My brother and his girlfriend (both 28)
-My other brother and his girlfriend (29/20)
-My uncle and his wife (early 60s)

My DH is great and tried his best to keep the kids entertained while I cooked all day. When everyone say down for the meal, people kept needing really specific things (garlic salt, a pitcher for water, hot sauce, cinnamon) so I'd repeatedly have to get up and go to the kitchen just as I was about to finally take my first bite every time to the point that I felt like it was a joke or an episode of "What Would You Do". At one point, I went in the kitchen to laugh so I didn't cry. Did no one notice I'm the only person of the bunch with small kids AND the only person that did any preparations, cooking, or clean up (DH helped with clean up)? Even when I was trying to clean up, my 4yo was hanging on my legs asking me to play Candyland with her. I finally said "DD, go ask your uncles or Papa to play with you" so she did and they said there was an awkward silence followed by one "maybe later".

I guess I'm just shocked. Maybe I should have delegated and said X can you bring Y, but I felt like the mistreated help and it's still bothering me today.

You didn't prepare well enough. People can't read minds. If you want them to bring something you can't presume they know that or that they have the manners to offer. In this case you have a family of clueless men who didn't offer and outside-the-family girlfriends who are expecting to be guests which is likely exactly what they were told they'd be. If you didn't want to provide everything, you need to specify a potluck. Otherwise accept the full duties of hosting. If you can't do those duties (too expensive, not enough time, not enough space, whatever the reason) then you either don't offer to host or respectfully decline when asked.

In the moment you could also say "I just sat down to eat. The cinnamon is in the cabinet above the oven."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanksgiving is the most sexist day on the planet. I hate it.

Well you are on to something. Your guest list was your male relatives and their girlfriends. Are you shocked your dad and 20 something brothers aren’t going to brining dishes? Their girlfriends either don’t care or assume they took care of logistics and any requests you have. Your uncle’s wife is really the only one I’d expect to be truly helpful. Are you not close with her? Is she a second wife and doesn’t know you well?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanksgiving is the most sexist day on the planet. I hate it.

Well you are on to something. Your guest list was your male relatives and their girlfriends. Are you shocked your dad and 20 something brothers aren’t going to brining dishes? Their girlfriends either don’t care or assume they took care of logistics and any requests you have. Your uncle’s wife is really the only one I’d expect to be truly helpful. Are you not close with her? Is she a second wife and doesn’t know you well?

It's hilarious to me that the other thread about sexism and the holidays is full of people denying that any man can be sexist because their DH likes to cook but here it's all "what do you expect, menfolk don't cook hur hurhur"

And I'd absolutely lay a big guilt trip on the relatives who won't play a boardgame with the 4 year old while they sit there and do nothing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you have Thanksgiving on a day that is not Thanksgiving? Maybe that's why...

God, you harpies are so tiresome. Millions of people celebrate on Wednesday or Friday or the weekend because they work Thanksgiving Day. Or, you know, since dad has a girlfriend, there’s a not 0% chance that they’re an adult child of divorce and are trying to celebrate the holiday with multiple family members who aren’t going to celebrate it together.

Give it a rest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanksgiving is the most sexist day on the planet. I hate it.

Speak for yourself. My brother-in-law made our entire extended family TG dinner for over a decade while my sister sat on her a$$ and did nothing. Not every family is like yours.

I really don’t understand posts like this. Are you really not aware that your BIL is the exception, not the rule?

+1. Yeah, congrats. Your sister married a unicorn. Irrelevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you have Thanksgiving on a day that is not Thanksgiving? Maybe that's why...

God, you harpies are so tiresome. Millions of people celebrate on Wednesday or Friday or the weekend because they work Thanksgiving Day. Or, you know, since dad has a girlfriend, there’s a not 0% chance that they’re an adult child of divorce and are trying to celebrate the holiday with multiple family members who aren’t going to celebrate it together.

Give it a rest.

Wednesday or Friday make sense. The Sunday before seems like a stretch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you have Thanksgiving on a day that is not Thanksgiving? Maybe that's why...

God, you harpies are so tiresome. Millions of people celebrate on Wednesday or Friday or the weekend because they work Thanksgiving Day. Or, you know, since dad has a girlfriend, there’s a not 0% chance that they’re an adult child of divorce and are trying to celebrate the holiday with multiple family members who aren’t going to celebrate it together.

Give it a rest.

Wednesday or Friday make sense. The Sunday before seems like a stretch.

It really doesn’t,

[Anonymous]

I get annoyed if I host a meal and people offer to bring things. It throws off my menu.

I do sometimes allow my house to be used for a potluck gathering. In that case I am clear I am.simply allowing my home to be a gathering place and send out a message asking everyone what they will bring.

[Anonymous]

Your dad, uncle, brothers. Men are self centered and love to be served and will continue expecting it until you stop serving them.
Learn your lesson. Stop hosting. Or next year say it’s potluck and everyone bring 2 things, and you only make the turkey.
Or order out and tell everyone you can split the bill for $100/ couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you have Thanksgiving on a day that is not Thanksgiving? Maybe that's why...

God, you harpies are so tiresome. Millions of people celebrate on Wednesday or Friday or the weekend because they work Thanksgiving Day. Or, you know, since dad has a girlfriend, there’s a not 0% chance that they’re an adult child of divorce and are trying to celebrate the holiday with multiple family members who aren’t going to celebrate it together.

Give it a rest.

Wednesday or Friday make sense. The Sunday before seems like a stretch.

It really doesn’t,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Wow, ok I am realizing I had no idea that there are holidays that are not potluck style. Growing up, my mom and aunts each had their designated dish. DH and I have been together since high school (so it's not like I've been to many different families' holidays) and in his family, everyone also brings something.

Thanks for the perspective.

Only insane people make the whole meal themselves.

My immigrant grandmother always did all of the cooking, cleaning, and waited on her guests hand and foot. Today's women don't need to adhere to these rigid and outdated standards of hosting family meals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Wow, ok I am realizing I had no idea that there are holidays that are not potluck style. Growing up, my mom and aunts each had their designated dish. DH and I have been together since high school (so it's not like I've been to many different families' holidays) and in his family, everyone also brings something.

Thanks for the perspective.

Only insane people make the whole meal themselves.

My immigrant grandmother always did all of the cooking, cleaning, and waited on her guests hand and foot. Today's women don't need to adhere to these rigid and outdated standards of hosting family meals.

DP here. I LOVE cooking the entire meal myself. It’s my favorite day of the year! Better than Christmas. It’s not sexist to enjoy making a big meal for your family. It just means…you like to cook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your dad, uncle, brothers. Men are self centered and love to be served and will continue expecting it until you stop serving them.
Learn your lesson. Stop hosting. Or next year say it’s potluck and everyone bring 2 things, and you only make the turkey.
Or order out and tell everyone you can split the bill for $100/ couple.

Just don’t host them. They won’t cook. They will stop at Giant and grab a bag of chips or some gross deli salad.

[Anonymous]

OP I’m sorry everyone was so rude. Not even willing to play with the kids….smh. This is not your fault, but you now know what to do next time.

[Anonymous]

Same here op although many of our 13 guests travelled so I don’t expect dishes, but maybe s bottle of wine or flowers or even just sincere thanks.,. I also hosted dinner Wednesday night too, ordered in an expensive meal, bought all the wine etc and cooked much of Wed and all the next day. One person did go shopping and buy some wine but no one else offered either night or even said thanks or toasted etc (my sil later texted me thanks, so I guess that’s something ). this has happened before and I’m just tired of hosting (we do it every year and have ppl
Stay with us too). Just announced to dh next year we can go to a restaurant. I’ll make pies and we can have drinks and dessert at home but I’m tired of spending days cooking cleaning shopping and spending $800plus when it’s not appreciated.