Staying at hospital with parent 24/7

[Anonymous]

When my elderly Mom was hospitalized, there were two things that I noticed that helped enormously with her confusion: Having a private room, and having someone she knew — usually me — with her at all times. I wouldn’t view it as “neglectful “ if you didn’t do this, or couldn’t do this, but I will say that your decision to have a family member with him could have a significant impact on his well-being and prognosis. Talk with your SIL and perhaps get a clearer understanding of just why she’s recommending this.

Being elderly, hospitalized and confused isn’t the same as being younger, hospitalized, and lucid. It just isn’t. For me the issue is less about what’s expected and more about what you hope to accomplish. One possibility could be to get someone to do private duty. It’s not the same as having a family member, but having a calming person there could be one alternative.

[Anonymous]

My mom passed away years ago. When she was in the hospital, at various points due to cancer, we took shifts to cover. She was an RN and always made sure we weren’t alone when hospitalized because she knew mistakes could be made or sometimes the unit is simply short staffed. So we wanted to do the same for her. Many of her friends who were also RNs offered to stay here and there to provide breaks. My dad is still alive and he did cover about 1/2 the night shifts so it wasn’t too much for any one sibling. I probably stayed 1-2x nights a week. Someone was always there during the day, though that individual could take a break for a meal. I wanted to be there and it didn’t feel like a burden though I had 3 kids at home so DH had to step up quite a bit to help. He never complained but I’m sure it added to his stress level. I currently have a close family member in a rehab faculty. She has no children and it has been really hard for her. She gets very little attention. Family members visit s few hours a week but she has a private CNA to come daily because she was frustrated having to wait for care. It was a good solution but very expensive.

[Anonymous]

In my immediate family, we do this. Maybe someone's alone for an hour while people are switching out childcare, getting food, or running home to shower and change, but yes. Being in the hospital is boring, scary, disorienting, understimulating, overstimulating, and it's hard to keep track of the random drs who come into your room to talk to you and tell you things. It's very helpful to have someone healthy taking notes, meeting drs, following up with nurses when you need medicine, etc.

I know that it's not done in all families, and not possible for everyone and don't judge. But we make it work in my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father developed a nasty bedsore in the hospital. If we were not there calling forf help, they did not shift his position every two hours as needed. After discharge, skilled nirsing did not either. We were there as much as possible and hired help for other times. The healthcare system is terrible.

This op. And your SIL as an RN knows this.

Let your husband help out at the rehab while you man things at home

[Anonymous]

Not normal unless it's hospice. This is absurd.

[Anonymous]

We did this when my dad broke his hip early in the pandemic. He was completely deaf and couldn’t understand the doctors and he was confused, scared and combative. The hospital (INOVA Fairfax) at the time had a strict policy of only one visitor a day and only between, I believe, the hours of 9-5. They very quickly changed their policy for my dad anyway, and asked if we could please have someone with him 24/7 to help keep him calm. Because it was early in the pandemic and offices were shut down we were able to handle it. Most days I stayed with him from about 6 til around noon the next day and then one of my siblings would fill in during the day. I was really close to my dad so I wanted to be with him and didn’t mind spending the night. He died after about 3 weeks. Thinking back it was a difficult stretch of time to be with him that much while he was in pain and suffering, but I’m glad that I did it. Even the best hospitals can’t give immediate attention all the time to a patient who is suffering, but because we had someone there all the time with him, when he needed help, he got it right away. I would do it again in a heart beat.

[Anonymous]

OP - Being in a hospital is one thingbut being in a rehab facility or coming home and needing care is entirely different and likely unsustainable for a long time unless some paid help is brought in or someone brings the elderly person into their home or moves into the person's home. Folks are saying this is for DH and SIL to figure out, but you also need to have a conversation with DH about the needs of your nuclear family in terms of the children front and center and your DH's health. As a couple you need to be clear on what he can commit to doing.
My dad was in a topnotch SNF during Covid and while they allowed over 20 family members to come in to at different times during the three weeks, he was in to be with him and at the end to have a final visit, no one was allowed to stay overnight. Even with a large family being willing to help out with all that has been mentioned, it was draining for that time with my four brothers scheduling their professional job and scheduling who would be covering what shift. My point is that you need to consider not only finances, but what the family can do, especially long term.

[Anonymous]

OP, I recommend you have gaps of no more than two hours. You need to make sure the patient is being moved every one to two hours to avoid bed sores, fed, and not sitting around in wet diapers or sheets. So if the SIL can take the noon to four shift and your DH cant get there till six, that should be fine, but I wouldnt push it much beyond that

[Anonymous]

This was never allowed in any of the facilities we've had people in long term. So IME, doing so is far from the norm. It might be nice if a place allows it, but it isn't the norm by a long shot.

[Anonymous]

The various levels of care have various level of supervision on patient because observation rules are different.

A fall risk patient won’t fall in a hospital. Same fall risk patient will fall at rehab.

When capacity is an issue, we stayed 24/7 with parents.

You can support the caregiver staying at hospital.

Show your kids how to take care of family.

[Anonymous]

We did this at first and it took a toll of the families we created and our health. Once we started having serious health issues (because there can be MANY emergencies), we started to have healthier boundaries. It's a marathon and I over the past decade we have seen our friends develop anything from cancer to a heart attack while trying to do the sandwich generation thing just right. It takes a toll on their children too. It took a toll on our children. One of our kids in therapy was talking a lot about seeing her parents wiped out and stressed out all for a grandparent who wasn't even nice to us. Some on here said you are setting an example for your kids-IMO it's the wrong example about boundaries and priorities. If we die, grandma is going to be able to take over. That may sound extreme, but when you hear your friend who was struggling with these very issues just had a heart attack, it makes you think.

We made changes. We still visited the hospital of course and we hired aides. I agree with that quote that says something like it's more important to be a good ancestor than it is the be the perfect child. You need to value your spouse and kids and your own life enough to find healthy boundaries.

[Anonymous]

How long is rehab supposed to last? I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation.

[Anonymous]

We just did this. We’ren’t supposed to, but the nurses are so overworked, they quietly let us and were appreciative. Some medical idiosyncrasies would have been overlooked, and patient truly needed an advocate. Couldn’t feed self and no one had time to feed, help with bathroom runs, etc. That said, siblings took it on. Did not expect in-laws to do this. If our kids were still young it would have been hell/ impossible.
Tough situation.

[Anonymous]

When my mother was in the hospital afraid, demented, over medicated and unable to speak, me and my two siblings slit up shifts and stay on a cot in her room 24/7. We were not going to let her be in there alone. I think it was a week, and then we moved her to a nursing home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my mother was in the hospital afraid, demented, over medicated and unable to speak, me and my two siblings slit up shifts and stay on a cot in her room 24/7. We were not going to let her be in there alone. I think it was a week, and then we moved her to a nursing home.

P.S. I had a very young child and my husband took care of child while we did this.

I was just in the hospital for 2 days and pray I do not ever have to go to the ER or be admitted without a strong advocate. It could happen as I just separated from my husband and our son is 16.