Staying at hospital with parent 24/7

[Anonymous]

It's better to have someone there 24/7 but my siblings and I couldn't take it. We usually just stayed during the day, made sure they ate dinner and left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks for the valuable insight.
Even if in the best of times I don't see how we can do this indefinitely.

I'm totally coming down with flu symptoms now (son had it last week). Which will either complicate things or solve some problems ... Can't host Thanksgiving if I have the flu, right?

I am really concerned about what happens when FIL gets home. SIL thinks he'll need someone with him at home too and we just learned he doesn't have much money in the bank. He has property he can sell but he's already saying he doesn't want strangers in his home taking care of him.

Does anyone know if Medicare covers in home care? DH and SIL and I are finding conflicting information.

Here is the webpage from Medicare regarding home health care: https://www.medicare.gov/coverage/home-health-services

[Anonymous]

We found that my mom got subpar care even when we were there, advocating for her. That said, I had to return to work after missing 4 days and my own health took a turn for the worse after sleeping in a chair in a cold room for seven nights. If you all can do shifts, it is much more bearable.

[Anonymous]

I just went through this with my mom. I’m the OP of the dementia after surgery thread. I was with her 10-12 hours a day in the hospital and left a few hours before visiting hours ended. Honestly she doesn’t even remember me being there.

And her cognitive issues were 100% caused by the combination anesthesia, medications and hospital/ rehab setting. Once we got her home everything is almost back to normal and this may be the same for your FIL.

At rehab I was there from around 8:30-3. I found with the rehab place some days were pretty busy and my mom had three different therapy interspersed with meal times and basically spent her “free” time resting. I personally found it not as necessary to be there at rehab. The main issue with my mom was having to wait for someone to help her to the bathroom. She couldn’t understand how to call for help due to her cognitive issues. Once she was cleared to go by herself it was much easier.

My mom is back home now at her independent living place and I hired someone to be there for six hours a day to help out although at this point it may be overkill. Once she got back into her place it really helped because she knows the routine there.

[Anonymous]

Mistakes can be made. She probably knows this better than anyone since she's an RN. She's seen it, perhaps lived it. Things happen. It might because of incompetence. It might be just unfortunate, circumstantial events. SIL wanting someone 24/7, unless she's willing that it be her, is not reasonable. I would NOT argue with her point of view. Your husband, also, does not need to argue with her point of view. But this is a boundary issue like everything else in life. What can you/DH provide? Decide on what that is. Inform her. Then, be reliable, make sure she can count on you 100% for what you have promised. As with other boundary issues ... it will not be your/your DH's problem to fix - to find who else is going to be there --- not 24/7. The 24/7 thing is uniquely her wish/hope.

"we trust Dad will be in good hands with the rehab team." It's ok to reassure yourselves and hold to this thought for yourselves. It's reasonable. But I'm not so sure you should it to this RN who already has taken a stance. That will lead to a lot of stories, she might have when things didn't go so well. It happens. Life has risks and all the unknowns.

[Anonymous]

You can’t trust the care in any facility. Unfortunately you not only need someone there all day and part of the night, you also need that someone to know what meds the patient should be on and the timing of pain management, when the shift changes happen, etc. Especially in rehab, the squeaky wheel gets the grease and patients who have advocates get their doses on time, are helped with the bathroom, etc. It’s horrible but true. It’s most critical to be there and be on your game during transfers. They are often the most dangerous point because of the physical issues and also because a new person looks in the computer and can give the patient all the meds they were ever prescribed. Also, always always ask if you can pay for a private room. They often won’t mention it because people balk at the expense but it will be the best $ you ever spend.

[Anonymous]

The only thing that matters is whether your husband wants to do this. If he does, then you should support him. Perhaps this is not the best year to host thanksgiving and out of town guests. At that age anything can happen during a hospital stay; you just never know. Sorry this is such a difficult time for your family; Best wishes for a smooth recovery.

[Anonymous]

In my family the expectation is that no one will be in the hospital alone for one minute. Frankly I think that’s unreasonable, and I’ve seen an entire generation of caregivers have health collapses after adhering to that rule for the previous generation, and children who lost childhoods or had limited support during teenage years because their parents were caring for someone else in the hospital.

This is going to sound cold, but anyone at that age who is enduring a long hospital stay is already very unhealthy and is not going to be young and healthy when they leave. If 24/7 care is going to jeopardize the health of other family members or the care of children, I don’t think it’s a fair goal.

[Anonymous]

If someone in my family (and extended family) is in the hospital they expect to be visited by a loved one for a few hours each day. That's all. And none of this spending the night in the hospital room.

IF it was known that passing was imminent, that would be different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my family the expectation is that no one will be in the hospital alone for one minute. Frankly I think that’s unreasonable, and I’ve seen an entire generation of caregivers have health collapses after adhering to that rule for the previous generation, and children who lost childhoods or had limited support during teenage years because their parents were caring for someone else in the hospital.

This is going to sound cold, but anyone at that age who is enduring a long hospital stay is already very unhealthy and is not going to be young and healthy when they leave. If 24/7 care is going to jeopardize the health of other family members or the care of children, I don’t think it’s a fair goal.

All of This. I’m 42 and have given up 3 yrs of my life caring for my parent with memory, mental health, and chronic health issues. Once my physical health started taking a toll and I realized that my young elementary kids need me to stay alive longer than my parent w/ no quality of life, I said enough. 24/7 hospital watch for a parent in their 80s, when you have jobs and a family, is just not reasonable. You can visit and be on top of things w/o being there all the time.

[Anonymous]

Yes, people stay with hospitalized relatives 24/7. My family just did so…good luck.

[Anonymous]

We just just did 8am to 9pm for my dad and it made all the difference. You really do get better care when a knowledgeable family member is present

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please be nice. I'm asking because I don't know the answer.

83 year old FIL (widower) was in the hospital for almost 2 weeks, and now is in an inpatient rehab. He had a fall, and some brain swelling. It's my understanding that he needs physical and cognitive rehab, and is expected to recover (he was mostly healthy and strong before the fall).

My husband's sister is a fantastic care coordinator. She is a RN, and has really taken over this overwhelming situation and we are very grateful. Since day 1, she's wanted someone in the hospital room with him 24 hours per day (minus brief runs to the cafeteria or hospital coffee shop). Fortunately both she and dh have been able to take lots of intermittent time off work. There are 2 other family members who can help some here and there. DH and I are the only ones with a child at home. And I also work full time and don't have much leave.

SIL wants to continue the schedule of having someone there 24/7.

My question is, is it typical to have a family member in the hospital room at all times? FIL has some confusion and short term memory problems. Physically he needs help getting up. SIL arranged for him to be in trusted top notch facilities. On top of this, we've had some general "life is hard" situations - flu, hosting Thanksgiving, out of town guests arriving, school closed all week, and a dying pet to boot. Frankly, it would be nice to have my husband available this week.

When your loved ones have been hospitalized for more than a few days, have you been there 24/7? Is this what you're supposed to do? Would it seem totally neglectful for us to say "hey, we'll come visit for a few hours but dh can't take an overnight/18+ hour shift this week, but we trust Dad will be in good hands with the rehab team."

Yes. Had family members in hospital 24/7 for 3 weeks for sister dying from cancer, mother in hospital and rehab hospital for a month following stroke, and a month following a nephew’s car accident.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ive never heard of a facility allowing this. Usually they are pretty strict with the visiting hours unless someone is in hospice. When my 84 year old father was in the hospital and rehab earlier this year, my mom would go for several hours and I encouraged her to cut back on that. In the end she regretted it some since he had less reserves available when he eventually was discharged and really did need 24-7 caregiving at home. It can be tricky when there is cognitive decline and you know that the patient really can’t advocate for him/self but if you trust the facility I say let them do their job. It also is helpful if the family designates a single person to be the liaison with the medical staff

Most 1hospitals got rid of “visiting hours” years ago and allow family to stay as long as they aren’t loud or don’t obstruct care (except for ICU and higher).

[Anonymous]

If you have to pay for an agency to send CNA's to do some of the shifts.You are talking about $29 per hour in Maryland.