Staying at hospital with parent 24/7

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stayed with my mom 10-12 hours a day when she was in the ER and 8-10 hours a day when she was in rehab. And it was still a gigantic cluster, even with me advocating for her. She doesn't recall the hospital OR the rehab place. Almost seems like a waste of my time, since she didn't realize I was there and I'm not actually sure she got better care with me there.

She might not remember it, but unless she was in very specialized care, she almost certainly got better care with a family member there observing. I had two transplants and due to Covid, I wasn’t allowed visitors for one. The same unit and mostly the same nurses, aides, etc. The quality of care was much better when I had visitors. No one stayed 24 hours, for the other transplant, but the drop in ability helped motivate the staff I think.

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine did this with her family quite a bit. Her mother got fantastic care. Meanwhile while her husband was doing double duty at home, he got the flu and had to be hospitalized and one of her kids started acting out at home and school. Over time she started to fight with her siblings and she was having migraines daily. You have to figure out the healthy boundaries that work for you. Your kids and spouse matter too and you do too. some on here make it all black and white like you must do this or your elder will suffer tremendously. Sure it's great to have family 24-7. You also can have family visiting, calling the hospital for updates, dropping off lunch for the nursing staff and still get decent care while not camping out and not making sure mom or dad has someone there 24-7. You can hire an aide if you are worried about confusion. You don't set your own family you created on fire to keep your 88 year old parent warm. You find BALANCE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those that were able to do it, how many people were involved? I guess I could see it if the patient had 12 kids, and each kid is married, and at least some of them have adult children...so you have a rotation of 30-40 people. But I really don't see how it's possible with most families that only have a few kids, and those kids have young children, etc.

When my mom was in the hospital, it was my dad, my (adult) brother and me at age 21. When my dad was in the hospital it was just my mom and me at age 27. Medical emergencies ARE inconvenient and yes, I used up all my vacation time taking a shift in the hospital each day for the two weeks my mom was in the hospital. I didn't mind, and never brought it up. Yes, it was outrageously inconvenient, and yes everyone (including spouses and children at home) had to sacrifice. But this is what we do in our family.

Two weeks. As a pp pointed out, for many elderly this can go on for 5+ years!

And you had vacation time. You were 21--a lot of 21 year olds are in college. Would you have dropped out for the semester (or the next 5 years) if you had been in college at the time?

I was actually in college while working full time at that age. And yes, if I'd had to drop a semester it would have been no big deal. My mother's health was more important than whatever classes I was taking. She was in pain and terrified. (And not elderly.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As an RN someone should absolutely be there with him 24/7. Also, if it were you, wouldn’t you want someone with you?

I'm the op. I have been hospitalized 3 times as an adult and didn't want or need someone with me 24/7. That's why I asked. I think lots of people don't feel like they need someone with them in the hospital. Again, if I was of the opinion that I would want someone with me, I wouldn't have asked for input.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an RN someone should absolutely be there with him 24/7. Also, if it were you, wouldn’t you want someone with you?

I'm the op. I have been hospitalized 3 times as an adult and didn't want or need someone with me 24/7. That's why I asked. I think lots of people don't feel like they need someone with them in the hospital. Again, if I was of the opinion that I would want someone with me, I wouldn't have asked for input.

I'm not the pp you are quoting.

I think I would feel the same, OP (wouldn't want someone with me 24/7.) I had a complicated birth with my oldest child and after we had been home from the hospital for a day I had to be readmitted for several days. There's no way the hospital would have allowed to stay with me 24/7 , but even if they they did there's no way my family could have coordinated that. I was just grateful my mom and husband were able to trade off caring for my newborn, because the hospital wouldn't allow him to stay with me either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an RN someone should absolutely be there with him 24/7. Also, if it were you, wouldn’t you want someone with you?

I'm the op. I have been hospitalized 3 times as an adult and didn't want or need someone with me 24/7. That's why I asked. I think lots of people don't feel like they need someone with them in the hospital. Again, if I was of the opinion that I would want someone with me, I wouldn't have asked for input.

I'm not the pp you are quoting.

I think I would feel the same, OP (wouldn't want someone with me 24/7.) I had a complicated birth with my oldest child and after we had been home from the hospital for a day I had to be readmitted for several days. There's no way the hospital would have allowed to stay with me 24/7 , but even if they they did there's no way my family could have coordinated that. I was just grateful my mom and husband were able to trade off caring for my newborn, because the hospital wouldn't allow him to stay with me either.

DP - I’ve also been hospitalized as an adult, a few times, and no, I didn’t want someone with me 24/7. I get that some people do and that in some instances, it can improve care. That still doesn’t mean the OP or anyone else should compromise their own health to do so.

[Anonymous]

We pride ourselves on being reasonable. That's how we roll in my family. None of this 24/7. A few visits of a few hours, that's considered sane. My parents would be horrified and disappointed in us if they thought we were risking our employment, neglecting our own families to be at a hospital, bed side, all day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We pride ourselves on being reasonable. That's how we roll in my family. None of this 24/7. A few visits of a few hours, that's considered sane. My parents would be horrified and disappointed in us if they thought we were risking our employment, neglecting our own families to be at a hospital, bed side, all day.

This. Plus, I am putting in writing my health wishes. Once I am not walking well and losing it cognitively, please allow medical errors and get on with your lives. In my family dementia seems to turn you into an abusive monster. No thank you. I don't want my kids camping out to save me only to be frightened of me and needing therapy to get through the rest of my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We pride ourselves on being reasonable. That's how we roll in my family. None of this 24/7. A few visits of a few hours, that's considered sane. My parents would be horrified and disappointed in us if they thought we were risking our employment, neglecting our own families to be at a hospital, bed side, all day.

Same. We saw two parents through some pretty rough times, medically. If we had been trying to operate under that standard we would have imploded.

[Anonymous]

Both my parents were hospitalized, and in rehab (at the same time), this past summer. I work full time and have a dc with SN.

I stayed in the ER with each parent-both were not in their best mind then (and in fact, my mom gave the ER the wrong name when she arrived in the ambulance before I got there). Once they were admitted and stable, I came in twice a day, trying to be there when the dr rounded. I was on FMLA at that time.

When they went to rehab, I went back to my job and came every evening, and daytime Sunday. I got to know the nurses, cna's and therapists.

There is no way I could have stayed 24/7 with them. I have a job and dc needs me too. I did the best I could.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks for the valuable insight.
Even if in the best of times I don't see how we can do this indefinitely.

I'm totally coming down with flu symptoms now (son had it last week). Which will either complicate things or solve some problems ... Can't host Thanksgiving if I have the flu, right?

I am really concerned about what happens when FIL gets home. SIL thinks he'll need someone with him at home too and we just learned he doesn't have much money in the bank. He has property he can sell but he's already saying he doesn't want strangers in his home taking care of him.

Does anyone know if Medicare covers in home care? DH and SIL and I are finding conflicting information.

I haven’t seen all the comments yet and may be repeating something.

Anyhow, see if your father in law is eligible for a PACE plan. It might pay for everything and keep him in his home.

He might also already qualify for Medicaid nursing home benefits. One problem is that it’s hard to find places that will take people who start on Medicaid. The best you can do is find a place that will let someone be private pay at first, then convert to Medicaid.

Most I’m of us here should also at least think about getting something like long-term insurance. The prices go up a lot, and it’s clunky, but it’s better off being able to at least start off as a private-pay patient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an RN someone should absolutely be there with him 24/7. Also, if it were you, wouldn’t you want someone with you?

I'm the op. I have been hospitalized 3 times as an adult and didn't want or need someone with me 24/7. That's why I asked. I think lots of people don't feel like they need someone with them in the hospital. Again, if I was of the opinion that I would want someone with me, I wouldn't have asked for input.

OP, I commented earlier. Hospitalizations are really qualitatively different for elderly people, and even more so if they spend time in an ICU. If the person who’s a patient doesn’t seem confused, is able to request help and clearly communicate their needs, and able to independently phone or FaceTime family members, then I’d say try to have someone from the family there for rounds and/or other medical conferences, and comply with the patient’s wishes regarding visits if you can. I do agree that with the PP who said that patients with visitors get better care than patients without them. You don’t necessarily have to interact with the patient. With my Mom, I often sat slightly outside of her view, where I could read, but still be available if she woke up and needed something.

tldr: Hospitalizations are different when your elderly and/or confused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an RN someone should absolutely be there with him 24/7. Also, if it were you, wouldn’t you want someone with you?

I'm the op. I have been hospitalized 3 times as an adult and didn't want or need someone with me 24/7. That's why I asked. I think lots of people don't feel like they need someone with them in the hospital. Again, if I was of the opinion that I would want someone with me, I wouldn't have asked for input.

OP, I commented earlier. Hospitalizations are really qualitatively different for elderly people, and even more so if they spend time in an ICU. If the person who’s a patient doesn’t seem confused, is able to request help and clearly communicate their needs, and able to independently phone or FaceTime family members, then I’d say try to have someone from the family there for rounds and/or other medical conferences, and comply with the patient’s wishes regarding visits if you can. I do agree that with the PP who said that patients with visitors get better care than patients without them. You don’t necessarily have to interact with the patient. With my Mom, I often sat slightly outside of her view, where I could read, but still be available if she woke up and needed something.

tldr: Hospitalizations are different when your elderly and/or confused.

Posted before, but yes we get it. There is also the reality that many of us have families with needs. One of my kids has special needs. Husband has health issues. For some of us the whole camp out is unrealistic and we have siblings who will bail at their turn or just stay for an hour. You figure out balance. Your 87 year old parent who experienced all of life's milestones is not more important than your child who hasn't experienced most of life's milestones or your spouse who in not in any condition to take on double duty and keep his job. There is no martyr award and let me tell you I felt a lot more guilt when things fell apart at home while I was trying to be a saint at the hospital then I did when i finally set limits on hospital camp outs.

tldr: Everyone matters, not only your elderly parent.