Staying at hospital with parent 24/7

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only thing that matters is whether your husband wants to do this. If he does, then you should support him. Perhaps this is not the best year to host thanksgiving and out of town guests. At that age anything can happen during a hospital stay; you just never know. Sorry this is such a difficult time for your family; Best wishes for a smooth recovery.

This. You need to separate out what you really can't do from what you just find inconvenient. Caring for a young child and having the flu are things you can't escape. But it seems frivolous and self centered to be hosting out of town guests and worrying about Thanksgiving when your FIL is in the hospital - and you're not doing all you can to help.

[Anonymous]

My siblings/spouses took turns staying with my mom 24/7. She needed an advocate. Otherwise, older people get ignored.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My siblings/spouses took turns staying with my mom 24/7. She needed an advocate. Otherwise, older people get ignored.

Oh, my spouse and I stayed too.

[Anonymous]

We do this for every family member, taking 8-hour shifts. When my parent had a stroke and was in the ICU for six weeks and then hospice, we never left them alone. Friends helped as well, as they were retired. I used FMLA.

[Anonymous]

As an RN someone should absolutely be there with him 24/7. Also, if it were you, wouldn’t you want someone with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We do this for every family member, taking 8-hour shifts. When my parent had a stroke and was in the ICU for six weeks and then hospice, we never left them alone. Friends helped as well, as they were retired. I used FMLA.

To be clear, I meant friends of my parent.

[Anonymous]

I was hospitalized post-partem due to negligence and have credentials that had me convinced no one would ever dare mess up my care.

Not a single nurse was competent (whether understandably overworked is irrelevant when you’re the helpless patient no one will help as you slowly die waiting for meds). Don’t leave her but also start discussing DNRs and refusing life saving treatment. Be clear that the options are the patient will suffer alone if they choose to prolong life so they can decide on interventions accordingly.

This goes for your SIL too. Figure out with DH what your family can contribute. That’s the line. After that SIL can figure it out since she’s the one who likely has the medical POA if one exists.

It’s all so harsh and I’m not sugarcoating it, but end of life is awful. We are living too long and it’s just not possible to be humane at a certain point of deterioration.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's ideal to have someone there 24/7, yes. That doesn't mean that everyone who could contribute time should be retired to do so in equal amounts. It also doesn't mean that it will be possible in every case. Yes, that sucks, no, it's not the end of the world.

Do your best - which does NOT mean sacrificing your own health or that of your immediate family - and ignore those who guilt you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only thing that matters is whether your husband wants to do this. If he does, then you should support him. Perhaps this is not the best year to host thanksgiving and out of town guests. At that age anything can happen during a hospital stay; you just never know. Sorry this is such a difficult time for your family; Best wishes for a smooth recovery.

This. You need to separate out what you really can't do from what you just find inconvenient. Caring for a young child and having the flu are things you can't escape. But it seems frivolous and self centered to be hosting out of town guests and worrying about Thanksgiving when your FIL is in the hospital - and you're not doing all you can to help.

I wouldn't call it "self-centered" to "worry" about self-centered when you have young children, even if your FIL is in the hospital. Holidays like Thanksgiving can be huge in the eyes of young children, and trying to salvage something of a holiday experience for them even if you have family in the hospital can be really important for their mental health.

[Anonymous]

*sorry typo, meant to say worry about Thanksgiving when you have young children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those that were able to do it, how many people were involved? I guess I could see it if the patient had 12 kids, and each kid is married, and at least some of them have adult children...so you have a rotation of 30-40 people. But I really don't see how it's possible with most families that only have a few kids, and those kids have young children, etc.

When my mom was in the hospital, it was my dad, my (adult) brother and me at age 21. When my dad was in the hospital it was just my mom and me at age 27. Medical emergencies ARE inconvenient and yes, I used up all my vacation time taking a shift in the hospital each day for the two weeks my mom was in the hospital. I didn't mind, and never brought it up. Yes, it was outrageously inconvenient, and yes everyone (including spouses and children at home) had to sacrifice. But this is what we do in our family.

Two weeks. As a pp pointed out, for many elderly this can go on for 5+ years!

And you had vacation time. You were 21--a lot of 21 year olds are in college. Would you have dropped out for the semester (or the next 5 years) if you had been in college at the time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those that were able to do it, how many people were involved? I guess I could see it if the patient had 12 kids, and each kid is married, and at least some of them have adult children...so you have a rotation of 30-40 people. But I really don't see how it's possible with most families that only have a few kids, and those kids have young children, etc.

When my mom was in the hospital, it was my dad, my (adult) brother and me at age 21. When my dad was in the hospital it was just my mom and me at age 27. Medical emergencies ARE inconvenient and yes, I used up all my vacation time taking a shift in the hospital each day for the two weeks my mom was in the hospital. I didn't mind, and never brought it up. Yes, it was outrageously inconvenient, and yes everyone (including spouses and children at home) had to sacrifice. But this is what we do in our family.

Two weeks. As a pp pointed out, for many elderly this can go on for 5+ years!

And you had vacation time. You were 21--a lot of 21 year olds are in college. Would you have dropped out for the semester (or the next 5 years) if you had been in college at the time?

This is where we are.

It’s not just harmful to career or family life. It’s damaging to my health. I need to go home and sleep 7-8 hours.

[Anonymous]

My family has always done this if someone is in hospital. That was there is always someone there when doctors or nurses come in and hears all the updates. It's also comforting to the patient to have familiar face there with them.

[Anonymous]

I stayed with my mom 10-12 hours a day when she was in the ER and 8-10 hours a day when she was in rehab. And it was still a gigantic cluster, even with me advocating for her. She doesn't recall the hospital OR the rehab place. Almost seems like a waste of my time, since she didn't realize I was there and I'm not actually sure she got better care with me there.

[Anonymous]

This is unrealistic for the vast majority of families. Frequent visits and perhaps longer visits in a critical period (like post-surgery), sure. But most people need to work, care for kids, etc, and do not have the ability to take full days off like this or have their sleep disrupted by staying overnight.