Lost my sex drive, what to do to get it back?

[Anonymous]

Just want to add, OP, that short of "scheduling it" for a particular day and time, you can target a general time of day if that makes it sexier. Mornings or weekend kid naptimes are GREAT for parents of young kids as opposed to after kids go to bed.

I don't think it's necessarily true her DH is seeking things elsewhere (what an awful thing to tell a vulnerable postpartum woman) but please DO take this seriously as a flashing red light. That PP is correct that once every 3-4 months is not acceptable in a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you love your spouse and want to keep him, schedule it once a week.

Once every 3-4 months is close to no sex. It's not sustainable.

I'm not sure exactly what you're suggesting here, but making yourself have sex when you aren't actually enjoying sex is a good way to make your sex drive tank even further. That's the opposite of what OP needs to do.

Not the PP to whom you're responding but you're wrong.

Do a little research. Scheduling sex is a technique many, many sex therapists, sex advice columnists and people on DCUM recommend. When one has young kids it is extremely difficult to find times to have sex.

And for some couples, if they have the right mindset, scheduling can actually become part of the fun, creating anticipation that can develop into arousal as the "date" gets closer.

Some say that scheduling times (and places) to have sex "kills the spontaneity" but it does not have to unless you let it. How we think about sex really does matter. Turning from "It feels like pressure, it's not spontaneous" to "I'm already thinking of things I'd like to do...." can happen. But both partners have to make an effort. To OP-- talk about scheduling sex not as a chore or obligation but as a couples time, and mention to your DH things you want to try (and want him to try). Experiment with toys or new lingerie or whatever works. Get your minds into the game, in advance.

You are correct about all this, and I am also correct that having unwanted sex kills desire (which you can do some research on too). If you have a responsive desire, that is desire and that means you want to have sex.

I wrote that comment because just saying "if you care about your marriage and want to keep your husband, schedule sex once a week" is the type of thing said by people who think that women should just have sex regardless of what they actually want. Like I said, I wasn't sure what PP was suggesting, but it's very important to note that having sex when you aren't enjoying it is a bad idea.

You might not mean to be doing so, but your post ends up equating scheduling sex with having sex one doesn't want.

No one's saying "women should just have sex regardless of what they actually want." When I talk about scheduling sex, I'm talking about scheduling sex because they both want it, but need to work on finding a way to do it. It's not a chore. I said exactly that. But if they don't make a specific effort to actually have sex...well, what do you suggest? Waiting until everyone's in exactly the perfect mood simultaneously is waiting for a unicorn, when there are long work days and little kids.

Not people explicitly on this thread, but people say this ALL the time. A ton of women have sex when they find it repulsive because they think that's the way to keep their sex lives intact. I know that you aren't suggesting that. I did not say not to schedule sex and said "I'm not sure what you're implying..." but I can see how I could have been more clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you love your spouse and want to keep him, schedule it once a week.

Once every 3-4 months is close to no sex. It's not sustainable.

I'm not sure exactly what you're suggesting here, but making yourself have sex when you aren't actually enjoying sex is a good way to make your sex drive tank even further. That's the opposite of what OP needs to do.

Not the PP to whom you're responding but you're wrong.

Do a little research. Scheduling sex is a technique many, many sex therapists, sex advice columnists and people on DCUM recommend. When one has young kids it is extremely difficult to find times to have sex.

And for some couples, if they have the right mindset, scheduling can actually become part of the fun, creating anticipation that can develop into arousal as the "date" gets closer.

Some say that scheduling times (and places) to have sex "kills the spontaneity" but it does not have to unless you let it. How we think about sex really does matter. Turning from "It feels like pressure, it's not spontaneous" to "I'm already thinking of things I'd like to do...." can happen. But both partners have to make an effort. To OP-- talk about scheduling sex not as a chore or obligation but as a couples time, and mention to your DH things you want to try (and want him to try). Experiment with toys or new lingerie or whatever works. Get your minds into the game, in advance.

You are correct about all this, and I am also correct that having unwanted sex kills desire (which you can do some research on too). If you have a responsive desire, that is desire and that means you want to have sex.

I wrote that comment because just saying "if you care about your marriage and want to keep your husband, schedule sex once a week" is the type of thing said by people who think that women should just have sex regardless of what they actually want. Like I said, I wasn't sure what PP was suggesting, but it's very important to note that having sex when you aren't enjoying it is a bad idea.

You might not mean to be doing so, but your post ends up equating scheduling sex with having sex one doesn't want.

No one's saying "women should just have sex regardless of what they actually want." When I talk about scheduling sex, I'm talking about scheduling sex because they both want it, but need to work on finding a way to do it. It's not a chore. I said exactly that. But if they don't make a specific effort to actually have sex...well, what do you suggest? Waiting until everyone's in exactly the perfect mood simultaneously is waiting for a unicorn, when there are long work days and little kids.

You really feel like the poster saying to give blow jobs and the one claiming her husband is cheating on her care whether she’s having sex she wants? They’re saying sex on demand, regardless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you love your spouse and want to keep him, schedule it once a week.

Once every 3-4 months is close to no sex. It's not sustainable.

Rest assured her husband is already going elsewhere for his unmet needs. OP: grant him an official hall pass so both of you can just stop pretending. If you ever do find your libido, then monogamy becomes a valid option once again.

If he’s already a cheater and a liar who endangers his family and doesn’t prioritize his child, why would she want monogamy with him? Divorce would be a better option.

Assuming he’s a man of integrity— and nothing in her OP suggests otherwise— they can work together to have a mutually satisfying sex life, if it’s important to both of them. If he’s the kind of gross person you suggest he is, all the sex in the world won’t make a good marriage with him.

But she does not want sex, therefore monogamy is not really an option for her. Why would she divorce over something so unimportant, that she does not even want, like sex? Obviously she is just fine staying married without sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you love your spouse and want to keep him, schedule it once a week.

Once every 3-4 months is close to no sex. It's not sustainable.

I'm not sure exactly what you're suggesting here, but making yourself have sex when you aren't actually enjoying sex is a good way to make your sex drive tank even further. That's the opposite of what OP needs to do.

Not the PP to whom you're responding but you're wrong.

Do a little research. Scheduling sex is a technique many, many sex therapists, sex advice columnists and people on DCUM recommend. When one has young kids it is extremely difficult to find times to have sex.

And for some couples, if they have the right mindset, scheduling can actually become part of the fun, creating anticipation that can develop into arousal as the "date" gets closer.

Some say that scheduling times (and places) to have sex "kills the spontaneity" but it does not have to unless you let it. How we think about sex really does matter. Turning from "It feels like pressure, it's not spontaneous" to "I'm already thinking of things I'd like to do...." can happen. But both partners have to make an effort. To OP-- talk about scheduling sex not as a chore or obligation but as a couples time, and mention to your DH things you want to try (and want him to try). Experiment with toys or new lingerie or whatever works. Get your minds into the game, in advance.

You are correct about all this, and I am also correct that having unwanted sex kills desire (which you can do some research on too). If you have a responsive desire, that is desire and that means you want to have sex.

I wrote that comment because just saying "if you care about your marriage and want to keep your husband, schedule sex once a week" is the type of thing said by people who think that women should just have sex regardless of what they actually want. Like I said, I wasn't sure what PP was suggesting, but it's very important to note that having sex when you aren't enjoying it is a bad idea.

You might not mean to be doing so, but your post ends up equating scheduling sex with having sex one doesn't want.

No one's saying "women should just have sex regardless of what they actually want." When I talk about scheduling sex, I'm talking about scheduling sex because they both want it, but need to work on finding a way to do it. It's not a chore. I said exactly that. But if they don't make a specific effort to actually have sex...well, what do you suggest? Waiting until everyone's in exactly the perfect mood simultaneously is waiting for a unicorn, when there are long work days and little kids.

You really feel like the poster saying to give blow jobs and the one claiming her husband is cheating on her care whether she’s having sex she wants? They’re saying sex on demand, regardless.

You have this exactly backwards. I am PP who says her husband is already going elsewhere. I absolutely do NOT think OP should have any unwanted sex!! That is the entire point of her outsourcing the sex, to avoid doing something she does not want, while staying married: this cannot be done without a 3rd party involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have found that I need to schedule it, at least in my mind. Mostly because satisfying sex for me takes 30-60 minutes, and, as a mother of multiple kids living at home, that chunk of time doesn’t happen spontaneously.
Once I make a plan, I clue in DH a few hours before.

+1 this works for me, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you love your spouse and want to keep him, schedule it once a week.

Once every 3-4 months is close to no sex. It's not sustainable.

I'm not sure exactly what you're suggesting here, but making yourself have sex when you aren't actually enjoying sex is a good way to make your sex drive tank even further. That's the opposite of what OP needs to do.

Not the PP to whom you're responding but you're wrong.

Do a little research. Scheduling sex is a technique many, many sex therapists, sex advice columnists and people on DCUM recommend. When one has young kids it is extremely difficult to find times to have sex.

And for some couples, if they have the right mindset, scheduling can actually become part of the fun, creating anticipation that can develop into arousal as the "date" gets closer.

Some say that scheduling times (and places) to have sex "kills the spontaneity" but it does not have to unless you let it. How we think about sex really does matter. Turning from "It feels like pressure, it's not spontaneous" to "I'm already thinking of things I'd like to do...." can happen. But both partners have to make an effort. To OP-- talk about scheduling sex not as a chore or obligation but as a couples time, and mention to your DH things you want to try (and want him to try). Experiment with toys or new lingerie or whatever works. Get your minds into the game, in advance.

You all know that sex while you were dating was scheduled as well, right? You knew you were having a date, so you planned on having sex. You bought condoms. You shaved your legs. You made sure your underwear was the good/clean/not the ripped stuff. What makes spontaneous sex so great, anyway? I like the PP's thoughts above about ANTICIPATION. That is what makes sex good. Not the fact that you can do it whenever. It is that you WANT to do it, you are anticipating how great it is going to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Start working out. It increases sex drive, makes you healthier, and makes you happier.

Yup, 100% this.

But I’m also now intrigued by Come As You Are…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you love your spouse and want to keep him, schedule it once a week.

Once every 3-4 months is close to no sex. It's not sustainable.

Rest assured her husband is already going elsewhere for his unmet needs. OP: grant him an official hall pass so both of you can just stop pretending. If you ever do find your libido, then monogamy becomes a valid option once again.

If he’s already a cheater and a liar who endangers his family and doesn’t prioritize his child, why would she want monogamy with him? Divorce would be a better option.

Assuming he’s a man of integrity— and nothing in her OP suggests otherwise— they can work together to have a mutually satisfying sex life, if it’s important to both of them. If he’s the kind of gross person you suggest he is, all the sex in the world won’t make a good marriage with him.

But she does not want sex, therefore monogamy is not really an option for her. Why would she divorce over something so unimportant, that she does not even want, like sex? Obviously she is just fine staying married without sex.

If her husband is cheating, my advice is that she divorce her husband over being a liar, who doesn’t prioritize his young child and endangers his spouse. None of those behaviors have anything to do with sex or it’s relative importance, only a reflection on the kind of man who behaves that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you love your spouse and want to keep him, schedule it once a week.

Once every 3-4 months is close to no sex. It's not sustainable.

I'm not sure exactly what you're suggesting here, but making yourself have sex when you aren't actually enjoying sex is a good way to make your sex drive tank even further. That's the opposite of what OP needs to do.

Not the PP to whom you're responding but you're wrong.

Do a little research. Scheduling sex is a technique many, many sex therapists, sex advice columnists and people on DCUM recommend. When one has young kids it is extremely difficult to find times to have sex.

And for some couples, if they have the right mindset, scheduling can actually become part of the fun, creating anticipation that can develop into arousal as the "date" gets closer.

Some say that scheduling times (and places) to have sex "kills the spontaneity" but it does not have to unless you let it. How we think about sex really does matter. Turning from "It feels like pressure, it's not spontaneous" to "I'm already thinking of things I'd like to do...." can happen. But both partners have to make an effort. To OP-- talk about scheduling sex not as a chore or obligation but as a couples time, and mention to your DH things you want to try (and want him to try). Experiment with toys or new lingerie or whatever works. Get your minds into the game, in advance.

You all know that sex while you were dating was scheduled as well, right? You knew you were having a date, so you planned on having sex. You bought condoms. You shaved your legs. You made sure your underwear was the good/clean/not the ripped stuff. What makes spontaneous sex so great, anyway? I like the PP's thoughts above about ANTICIPATION. That is what makes sex good. Not the fact that you can do it whenever. It is that you WANT to do it, you are anticipating how great it is going to be.

I think the difference is the fact that you didn’t just schedule sex— you scheduled dates. You were going to be the center of one another’s attention. You were both going to make an effort to be your most attractive. You were both going to make an effort that the other person was enjoying themselves. You kicked out the roommates. You were going to flirt and make eye contact and touch unnecessarily. And THEN in a conducive atmosphere of anticipation and privacy you had sex. People talking about not liking scheduled sex mean they don’t like that what’s scheduled is intercourse like it’s another chore, not scheduling the hours for their spouse to impress and seduce them that took place during dating.

Spouses who take hours impressing and seducing each other don’t need to schedule sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you love your spouse and want to keep him, schedule it once a week.

Once every 3-4 months is close to no sex. It's not sustainable.

I'm not sure exactly what you're suggesting here, but making yourself have sex when you aren't actually enjoying sex is a good way to make your sex drive tank even further. That's the opposite of what OP needs to do.

Not the PP to whom you're responding but you're wrong.

Do a little research. Scheduling sex is a technique many, many sex therapists, sex advice columnists and people on DCUM recommend. When one has young kids it is extremely difficult to find times to have sex.

And for some couples, if they have the right mindset, scheduling can actually become part of the fun, creating anticipation that can develop into arousal as the "date" gets closer.

Some say that scheduling times (and places) to have sex "kills the spontaneity" but it does not have to unless you let it. How we think about sex really does matter. Turning from "It feels like pressure, it's not spontaneous" to "I'm already thinking of things I'd like to do...." can happen. But both partners have to make an effort. To OP-- talk about scheduling sex not as a chore or obligation but as a couples time, and mention to your DH things you want to try (and want him to try). Experiment with toys or new lingerie or whatever works. Get your minds into the game, in advance.

You are correct about all this, and I am also correct that having unwanted sex kills desire (which you can do some research on too). If you have a responsive desire, that is desire and that means you want to have sex.

I wrote that comment because just saying "if you care about your marriage and want to keep your husband, schedule sex once a week" is the type of thing said by people who think that women should just have sex regardless of what they actually want. Like I said, I wasn't sure what PP was suggesting, but it's very important to note that having sex when you aren't enjoying it is a bad idea.

You might not mean to be doing so, but your post ends up equating scheduling sex with having sex one doesn't want.

No one's saying "women should just have sex regardless of what they actually want." When I talk about scheduling sex, I'm talking about scheduling sex because they both want it, but need to work on finding a way to do it. It's not a chore. I said exactly that. But if they don't make a specific effort to actually have sex...well, what do you suggest? Waiting until everyone's in exactly the perfect mood simultaneously is waiting for a unicorn, when there are long work days and little kids.

Not people explicitly on this thread, but people say this ALL the time. A ton of women have sex when they find it repulsive because they think that's the way to keep their sex lives intact. I know that you aren't suggesting that. I did not say not to schedule sex and said "I'm not sure what you're implying..." but I can see how I could have been more clear.

So, you are just generalizing. Great. Got it.

That was useless.

[Anonymous]

Get your iron checked. Low iron can cause libido issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, give a lot of BJs and try to get some arousal from that.

+1 for this. I started this with my BF when the flame was going down and he continues the sex for a while. MMMM

[Anonymous]

It’s never coming back. At least not with this husband.
You should both discuss and decide if a platonic marriage is workable for each of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you love your spouse and want to keep him, schedule it once a week.

Once every 3-4 months is close to no sex. It's not sustainable.

I'm not sure exactly what you're suggesting here, but making yourself have sex when you aren't actually enjoying sex is a good way to make your sex drive tank even further. That's the opposite of what OP needs to do.

Not the PP to whom you're responding but you're wrong.

Do a little research. Scheduling sex is a technique many, many sex therapists, sex advice columnists and people on DCUM recommend. When one has young kids it is extremely difficult to find times to have sex.

And for some couples, if they have the right mindset, scheduling can actually become part of the fun, creating anticipation that can develop into arousal as the "date" gets closer.

Some say that scheduling times (and places) to have sex "kills the spontaneity" but it does not have to unless you let it. How we think about sex really does matter. Turning from "It feels like pressure, it's not spontaneous" to "I'm already thinking of things I'd like to do...." can happen. But both partners have to make an effort. To OP-- talk about scheduling sex not as a chore or obligation but as a couples time, and mention to your DH things you want to try (and want him to try). Experiment with toys or new lingerie or whatever works. Get your minds into the game, in advance.

You are correct about all this, and I am also correct that having unwanted sex kills desire (which you can do some research on too). If you have a responsive desire, that is desire and that means you want to have sex.

I wrote that comment because just saying "if you care about your marriage and want to keep your husband, schedule sex once a week" is the type of thing said by people who think that women should just have sex regardless of what they actually want. Like I said, I wasn't sure what PP was suggesting, but it's very important to note that having sex when you aren't enjoying it is a bad idea.

You might not mean to be doing so, but your post ends up equating scheduling sex with having sex one doesn't want.

No one's saying "women should just have sex regardless of what they actually want." When I talk about scheduling sex, I'm talking about scheduling sex because they both want it, but need to work on finding a way to do it. It's not a chore. I said exactly that. But if they don't make a specific effort to actually have sex...well, what do you suggest? Waiting until everyone's in exactly the perfect mood simultaneously is waiting for a unicorn, when there are long work days and little kids.

Not people explicitly on this thread, but people say this ALL the time. A ton of women have sex when they find it repulsive because they think that's the way to keep their sex lives intact. I know that you aren't suggesting that. I did not say not to schedule sex and said "I'm not sure what you're implying..." but I can see how I could have been more clear.

So, you are just generalizing. Great. Got it.

That was useless.

Saying that people shouldn’t have sex that they don’t want even though some people think they should is a generalization? I really don’t understand your hostility to these comments.