Lost my sex drive, what to do to get it back?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you love your spouse and want to keep him, schedule it once a week.

Once every 3-4 months is close to no sex. It's not sustainable.

I'm not sure exactly what you're suggesting here, but making yourself have sex when you aren't actually enjoying sex is a good way to make your sex drive tank even further. That's the opposite of what OP needs to do.

[Anonymous]

Some good advice on here, OP. But discard the medical stuff. It’s not a medical problem. Develop a crush and you’d see that. It’s a married been monogamous for a long time problem. Take care of yourself, get fit and feel sexy, and make it a priority to be sexual with your DH, not even necessarily intercourse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you love your spouse and want to keep him, schedule it once a week.

Once every 3-4 months is close to no sex. It's not sustainable.

I'm not sure exactly what you're suggesting here, but making yourself have sex when you aren't actually enjoying sex is a good way to make your sex drive tank even further. That's the opposite of what OP needs to do.

Yep. Less sex is just what DCUM ordered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you love your spouse and want to keep him, schedule it once a week.

Once every 3-4 months is close to no sex. It's not sustainable.

Rest assured her husband is already going elsewhere for his unmet needs. OP: grant him an official hall pass so both of you can just stop pretending. If you ever do find your libido, then monogamy becomes a valid option once again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you love your spouse and want to keep him, schedule it once a week.

Once every 3-4 months is close to no sex. It's not sustainable.

I'm not sure exactly what you're suggesting here, but making yourself have sex when you aren't actually enjoying sex is a good way to make your sex drive tank even further. That's the opposite of what OP needs to do.

Yep. Less sex is just what DCUM ordered.

What a telling interpretation of my comment. Seems like you’re saying that instead of exploring her sexuality and re-discovering the pleasure and intimacy sex brings, she should have sex she doesn’t want. Why would you think somebody should do that? It’s very creepy if you think about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you love your spouse and want to keep him, schedule it once a week.

Once every 3-4 months is close to no sex. It's not sustainable.

Rest assured her husband is already going elsewhere for his unmet needs. OP: grant him an official hall pass so both of you can just stop pretending. If you ever do find your libido, then monogamy becomes a valid option once again.

If he’s already a cheater and a liar who endangers his family and doesn’t prioritize his child, why would she want monogamy with him? Divorce would be a better option.

Assuming he’s a man of integrity— and nothing in her OP suggests otherwise— they can work together to have a mutually satisfying sex life, if it’s important to both of them. If he’s the kind of gross person you suggest he is, all the sex in the world won’t make a good marriage with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you love your spouse and want to keep him, schedule it once a week.

Once every 3-4 months is close to no sex. It's not sustainable.

I'm not sure exactly what you're suggesting here, but making yourself have sex when you aren't actually enjoying sex is a good way to make your sex drive tank even further. That's the opposite of what OP needs to do.

Yep. Less sex is just what DCUM ordered.

What a telling interpretation of my comment. Seems like you’re saying that instead of exploring her sexuality and re-discovering the pleasure and intimacy sex brings, she should have sex she doesn’t want. Why would you think somebody should do that? It’s very creepy if you think about it.

That was not your original comment.

Nice gaslighting attempt, tho

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you love your spouse and want to keep him, schedule it once a week.

Once every 3-4 months is close to no sex. It's not sustainable.

I'm not sure exactly what you're suggesting here, but making yourself have sex when you aren't actually enjoying sex is a good way to make your sex drive tank even further. That's the opposite of what OP needs to do.

Not the PP to whom you're responding but you're wrong.

Do a little research. Scheduling sex is a technique many, many sex therapists, sex advice columnists and people on DCUM recommend. When one has young kids it is extremely difficult to find times to have sex.

And for some couples, if they have the right mindset, scheduling can actually become part of the fun, creating anticipation that can develop into arousal as the "date" gets closer.

Some say that scheduling times (and places) to have sex "kills the spontaneity" but it does not have to unless you let it. How we think about sex really does matter. Turning from "It feels like pressure, it's not spontaneous" to "I'm already thinking of things I'd like to do...." can happen. But both partners have to make an effort. To OP-- talk about scheduling sex not as a chore or obligation but as a couples time, and mention to your DH things you want to try (and want him to try). Experiment with toys or new lingerie or whatever works. Get your minds into the game, in advance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you love your spouse and want to keep him, schedule it once a week.

Once every 3-4 months is close to no sex. It's not sustainable.

Rest assured her husband is already going elsewhere for his unmet needs. OP: grant him an official hall pass so both of you can just stop pretending. If you ever do find your libido, then monogamy becomes a valid option once again.

"Rest assured"? Someone's projecting their own issues into OP's question. Such a projecting, knee-jerk reaction to screech "Hall pass and just stop pretending!" OP, ignore this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you love your spouse and want to keep him, schedule it once a week.

Once every 3-4 months is close to no sex. It's not sustainable.

I'm not sure exactly what you're suggesting here, but making yourself have sex when you aren't actually enjoying sex is a good way to make your sex drive tank even further. That's the opposite of what OP needs to do.

Not the PP to whom you're responding but you're wrong.

Do a little research. Scheduling sex is a technique many, many sex therapists, sex advice columnists and people on DCUM recommend. When one has young kids it is extremely difficult to find times to have sex.

And for some couples, if they have the right mindset, scheduling can actually become part of the fun, creating anticipation that can develop into arousal as the "date" gets closer.

Some say that scheduling times (and places) to have sex "kills the spontaneity" but it does not have to unless you let it. How we think about sex really does matter. Turning from "It feels like pressure, it's not spontaneous" to "I'm already thinking of things I'd like to do...." can happen. But both partners have to make an effort. To OP-- talk about scheduling sex not as a chore or obligation but as a couples time, and mention to your DH things you want to try (and want him to try). Experiment with toys or new lingerie or whatever works. Get your minds into the game, in advance.

You are correct about all this, and I am also correct that having unwanted sex kills desire (which you can do some research on too). If you have a responsive desire, that is desire and that means you want to have sex.

I wrote that comment because just saying "if you care about your marriage and want to keep your husband, schedule sex once a week" is the type of thing said by people who think that women should just have sex regardless of what they actually want. Like I said, I wasn't sure what PP was suggesting, but it's very important to note that having sex when you aren't enjoying it is a bad idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you love your spouse and want to keep him, schedule it once a week.

Once every 3-4 months is close to no sex. It's not sustainable.

I'm not sure exactly what you're suggesting here, but making yourself have sex when you aren't actually enjoying sex is a good way to make your sex drive tank even further. That's the opposite of what OP needs to do.

Not the PP to whom you're responding but you're wrong.

Do a little research. Scheduling sex is a technique many, many sex therapists, sex advice columnists and people on DCUM recommend. When one has young kids it is extremely difficult to find times to have sex.

And for some couples, if they have the right mindset, scheduling can actually become part of the fun, creating anticipation that can develop into arousal as the "date" gets closer.

Some say that scheduling times (and places) to have sex "kills the spontaneity" but it does not have to unless you let it. How we think about sex really does matter. Turning from "It feels like pressure, it's not spontaneous" to "I'm already thinking of things I'd like to do...." can happen. But both partners have to make an effort. To OP-- talk about scheduling sex not as a chore or obligation but as a couples time, and mention to your DH things you want to try (and want him to try). Experiment with toys or new lingerie or whatever works. Get your minds into the game, in advance.

You are correct about all this, and I am also correct that having unwanted sex kills desire (which you can do some research on too). If you have a responsive desire, that is desire and that means you want to have sex.

I wrote that comment because just saying "if you care about your marriage and want to keep your husband, schedule sex once a week" is the type of thing said by people who think that women should just have sex regardless of what they actually want. Like I said, I wasn't sure what PP was suggesting, but it's very important to note that having sex when you aren't enjoying it is a bad idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you love your spouse and want to keep him, schedule it once a week.

Once every 3-4 months is close to no sex. It's not sustainable.

I'm not sure exactly what you're suggesting here, but making yourself have sex when you aren't actually enjoying sex is a good way to make your sex drive tank even further. That's the opposite of what OP needs to do.

Yep. Less sex is just what DCUM ordered.

What a telling interpretation of my comment. Seems like you’re saying that instead of exploring her sexuality and re-discovering the pleasure and intimacy sex brings, she should have sex she doesn’t want. Why would you think somebody should do that? It’s very creepy if you think about it.

That was not your original comment.

Nice gaslighting attempt, tho

You're correct, it wasn't my original comment. My original comment said that if you force yourself to have sex you don't enjoy, you're going to kill your sex drive, and I think that if somebody disagrees with that comment and says "yep, less sex is just what DCUM ordered" they *seem* to be saying that women should have sex regardless of whether or not they are enjoying it. Show me where I'm gaslighting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you love your spouse and want to keep him, schedule it once a week.

Once every 3-4 months is close to no sex. It's not sustainable.

I'm not sure exactly what you're suggesting here, but making yourself have sex when you aren't actually enjoying sex is a good way to make your sex drive tank even further. That's the opposite of what OP needs to do.

Not the PP to whom you're responding but you're wrong.

Do a little research. Scheduling sex is a technique many, many sex therapists, sex advice columnists and people on DCUM recommend. When one has young kids it is extremely difficult to find times to have sex.

And for some couples, if they have the right mindset, scheduling can actually become part of the fun, creating anticipation that can develop into arousal as the "date" gets closer.

Some say that scheduling times (and places) to have sex "kills the spontaneity" but it does not have to unless you let it. How we think about sex really does matter. Turning from "It feels like pressure, it's not spontaneous" to "I'm already thinking of things I'd like to do...." can happen. But both partners have to make an effort. To OP-- talk about scheduling sex not as a chore or obligation but as a couples time, and mention to your DH things you want to try (and want him to try). Experiment with toys or new lingerie or whatever works. Get your minds into the game, in advance.

You are correct about all this, and I am also correct that having unwanted sex kills desire (which you can do some research on too). If you have a responsive desire, that is desire and that means you want to have sex.

I wrote that comment because just saying "if you care about your marriage and want to keep your husband, schedule sex once a week" is the type of thing said by people who think that women should just have sex regardless of what they actually want. Like I said, I wasn't sure what PP was suggesting, but it's very important to note that having sex when you aren't enjoying it is a bad idea.

What exactly do you take issue with here? I'm genuinely curious. Do you disagree with the idea that making yourself have sex you don't enjoy is going to further reduce your sex drive and that it's a better idea to explore your sexuality to make it pleasurable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Vaginal estrogen cream. Shove a tooth paste dab sized amount up your hoohah! Things will become fine again.

Not in her mid-30s unless some sort of hormonal imbalance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you love your spouse and want to keep him, schedule it once a week.

Once every 3-4 months is close to no sex. It's not sustainable.

I'm not sure exactly what you're suggesting here, but making yourself have sex when you aren't actually enjoying sex is a good way to make your sex drive tank even further. That's the opposite of what OP needs to do.

Not the PP to whom you're responding but you're wrong.

Do a little research. Scheduling sex is a technique many, many sex therapists, sex advice columnists and people on DCUM recommend. When one has young kids it is extremely difficult to find times to have sex.

And for some couples, if they have the right mindset, scheduling can actually become part of the fun, creating anticipation that can develop into arousal as the "date" gets closer.

Some say that scheduling times (and places) to have sex "kills the spontaneity" but it does not have to unless you let it. How we think about sex really does matter. Turning from "It feels like pressure, it's not spontaneous" to "I'm already thinking of things I'd like to do...." can happen. But both partners have to make an effort. To OP-- talk about scheduling sex not as a chore or obligation but as a couples time, and mention to your DH things you want to try (and want him to try). Experiment with toys or new lingerie or whatever works. Get your minds into the game, in advance.

You are correct about all this, and I am also correct that having unwanted sex kills desire (which you can do some research on too). If you have a responsive desire, that is desire and that means you want to have sex.

I wrote that comment because just saying "if you care about your marriage and want to keep your husband, schedule sex once a week" is the type of thing said by people who think that women should just have sex regardless of what they actually want. Like I said, I wasn't sure what PP was suggesting, but it's very important to note that having sex when you aren't enjoying it is a bad idea.

You might not mean to be doing so, but your post ends up equating scheduling sex with having sex one doesn't want.

No one's saying "women should just have sex regardless of what they actually want." When I talk about scheduling sex, I'm talking about scheduling sex because they both want it, but need to work on finding a way to do it. It's not a chore. I said exactly that. But if they don't make a specific effort to actually have sex...well, what do you suggest? Waiting until everyone's in exactly the perfect mood simultaneously is waiting for a unicorn, when there are long work days and little kids.