Lost my sex drive, what to do to get it back?
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Anonymous
| I'm a married mid 30s women with a toddler. While I used to have a high drive in my 20s, it really started going down even in few years prior to having my child, and since then it's been non existent. I'm about 20 pounds over weight and I figure that probably doesn't help. My spouse an I are intimate maybe once every 3-4 months. It's ok but nothing mind blowing. Outside the lack of sex, I'm generally happy with my marriage, though there are a few things about my spouse that have been increasingly annoying to me. I think that part is more recent; the low drive started before the annoyances. I honestly could just go without but I feel like it would strengthen our relationship, which I think is important. What should I do to get back into it?? |
Anonymous
| Read come as you are! |
Anonymous
|
+1 on Come as you are
Realize that most desire isn’t spontaneous, it’s responsive, so you need to do things to stoke that. Schedule intimacy, but then fill in with things that may feel ridiculous, but will help fan the flames - read erotica. Leave dirty post its. Take suggestive pictures (for me, believe it or not, this actually helped my body image as I could see myself in a more desirable way). Listen to sexy podcasts, either instructional or erotic. And you already know this, but exercise, without focusing on weight loss helps hormones, as does proper rest, and stress reduction. |
Anonymous
| Vaginal estrogen cream. Shove a tooth paste dab sized amount up your hoohah! Things will become fine again. |
Anonymous
| Divorce. Life is too short. Get a new man that turns you on |
Anonymous
|
Don't accept this as normal, OP. People get coddled on this forum about post-motherhood libido drop but it's a huge problem for a functioning marriage. I am glad you are being proactive.
Seek pelvic floor PT if there are unresolved sexual function issues or insecurities after childbirth. Yes, you can still have this years later, and if you had a C-section. I gained a lot of confidence knowing I was fully recovered, so to speak. Yes, try to lose the weight. Confidence is essential. I'd bet your DH still finds you attractive but YOU also need to feel attractive. Get new, flattering clothes that make you feel hot even if your current size is not your "forever" size. Talk about fantasies and be really open with your DH about what you're into. Look into medical solutions (hormone panel, etc. to see if there's an imbalance) or psychotherapy to reframe your mindset if you're still not feeling it. No views about sex-focused therapy but it can't hurt. Bottom line recommendations: get into a mindset, even if it's a few hours a week, where you are not "Mom." Have date nights regularly; I recommend once a week. Put phones away regularly so you are having real interactions with your spouse instead of tuning each other out. Organize your life, esp around parenting, so that you have space for each other (e.g.- if you are letting your toddler in your bed all the time or they don't sleep through the night, fix that now). |
Anonymous
Lol sure. Once you get in the no sex mind and body framework it never comes back. Sexual desire drops as you age. |
Anonymous
|
+1 to Come as you are
+1 to a pelvic floor workup. Painful sex starts an unhealthy cycle that diminishes arousal which leads to painful sex etc. Think back to the time in your life you were happiest with your sex life (for some people, not all, that’s when they were having the most sex, some people the best sex). What were the inputs that gave you those outputs? Were you getting a lot of adrenaline from challenging work? Were you on a vacation or trip with a ton of novelty? Were you at a body shape you were super happy with? See what you can do to recreate those conditions and ask that your spouse make it a priority. Good sex starts a positive sex cycle of arousal leading to good sex leading to frequency. So start with the goal of extremely satisfying sex, once, and then again. |
Anonymous
| Start working out. It increases sex drive, makes you healthier, and makes you happier. |
Anonymous
I wrote the wall of text above and this is better than I could ever do. what great advice PP |
Anonymous
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Adding to all the advice above: Are you on hormonal birth control, like the pill, IUD, injections, vaginal ring etc.? Hormonal BC can suppress sex drive in some women. It did for me. I bring it up on these threads becuase MANY ob/gyns do not make very clear to women that lower libido can be a side effect, so women just carry on thinking they're the problem when a small change to pill dosage, or another form of BC, might help. I am not saying it's the only thing to consider but it's worth seeing your gynecologist ASAP and seeing if a lower dose hormonal BC is efficient for you. It's one thing you can possibly rule in or out as a cause, while you work on other aspects people mention in posts above. |
Anonymous
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I have found that I need to schedule it, at least in my mind. Mostly because satisfying sex for me takes 30-60 minutes, and, as a mother of multiple kids living at home, that chunk of time doesn’t happen spontaneously.
Once I make a plan, I clue in DH a few hours before. |
Anonymous
| Op, give a lot of BJs and try to get some arousal from that. |
Anonymous
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If you love your spouse and want to keep him, schedule it once a week.
Once every 3-4 months is close to no sex. It's not sustainable. |
Anonymous
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Get your hormones checked! Had same thing. My estrogen tanked after pregnancy. It took til my kid was 4 before a doctor checked.
If you want more kids check with your doctor in what is safe to take. If you are done, a birth control with extra estrogen worked wonders. It’s not as prescribed these days because there are newer formulations but it is an option with minimal side effects. |