Why don't I have any close girlfriends?

[Anonymous]

text friendship with someone suitable. Memes, links to articles, photo of something ... Less pressure and chance of rejection than an invite ...

NP here. It's so interesting that people are so different. I invite right away. Figure let's get together. We don't know if we like each other. Don't know yet. going to like each other. If it's texting only, I figure they have already decided - no real friendship

[Anonymous]

My BFF died suddenly in 2018. Life has never been the same.

[Anonymous]

Op, do you have no friends, male or female? Or only male ones

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, do you have no friends, male or female? Or only male ones

Did you read the OP. It clearly talks about having plenty of friends, including female friends, but none that are particularly close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My suggestion is to start a text friendship with someone suitable. Memes, links to articles, photo of something you saw shopping, etc. If they respond somewhat quickly and reciprocate, keep it going, being cautious not to overwhelm. Less pressure and chance of rejection than an invite, which can come later.

Lol. OP here and this might be why I struggle with these friendships -- I cannot do the whole text friendship thing. I mean, I text with friends but this specific dynamic you are talking about it is just not something I can do. I've had people do this with me and I admire their ability to be clever in quick off-the-cuff texts or to think of me randomly in the middle of their workday and send me a text about something I might be interested in.

I am great 1:1 or in small groups and can be a lot of fun and I know how to get to know people in person -- who to ask questions and share things about myself, etc. But I can't get the hang of text/social media friendships. I am not even on Facebook. I don't like looking at my phone throughout the day and mostly only keep it nearby in case something happens with my kid or there's an emergency with my DH. Who, by the way, I don't text a lot with. My personality just does not come through via texting and I've tried. Maybe that's the problem -- I can't communicate in the current language of friendship.

Then you need to work on it. Texting is how most people converse nowadays. I turned an old college roommate into a bff by texting and the rare phone call.

Then you need to ofind somebody who will talk on the phone with you or have 1-on-1 conversations with you. You need to put in the effort.

And realize that not everybody to be witty and fun all the time. I have a friend who had a really ... I guess you'd say lacking ... sense of humour. But she is SO lovely in other ways. She has empathy, she is kind, she is thoughtful. She is honest and open. I love being with her. I don't expect a witty reparte with her. But she's a favorite friend because she is who she is. You have to be you.

The current language of friendship isn't TEXTING. That is a mode of communication. You need to find your people and that is WORK. Use texting for invites, but save your conversation for the 1-on-1.

[Anonymous]

Most people in middle age are putting all of their time, attention and emotion into their families, not their "best girlfriends." Those days are over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

text friendship with someone suitable. Memes, links to articles, photo of something ... Less pressure and chance of rejection than an invite ...

NP here. It's so interesting that people are so different. I invite right away. Figure let's get together. We don't know if we like each other. Don't know yet. going to like each other. If it's texting only, I figure they have already decided - no real friendship

This isn't true. I have a couple of "texting only" friends. I'm a writer, and I like it that way. Our text exchanges are fun and I consider them my friends. Should I not consider them friends because I enjoy texting with them but not hanging out IRL? Why? I have other friends that I see IRL but not everyone clicks that way -- and some don't write long, funny, engaging, intelligent texts the others do, either. Why limit things?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most people in middle age are putting all of their time, attention and emotion into their families, not their "best girlfriends." Those days are over.

Those people will have a very rude awakening in their 60s and 70s.

[Anonymous]

Having a best girlfriend is more work and has more drama than a marriage. Also with the Trump climate it's really hard to maintain a friendship with people who's brains have fallen out of their head.

I like to have about 5 close girlfriends but none best friends. I talk to each about once a month and see them 2-4x a year.

I'd prefer to have male friends (which I did until I was about 20) but unfortunately society is not structured that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most people in middle age are putting all of their time, attention and emotion into their families, not their "best girlfriends." Those days are over.

Those people will have a very rude awakening in their 60s and 70s.

Nope, men will start dying off and they will reconnect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:T[b]o have good friends you have to be a good friend. How much effort do you put into these relationships? How do you show up for friends?[/b]

+1

OP, the women I know who ask this are very one way, and rarely (if ever) ask about the other person. They can even come across as competitive, and are more "friendly" when you are down, than up.

My friendships that do span my lifetime do so because they are two-way.

The ones that have fizzled out, even after years, were too one way, and some might say to an extreme.

That, and people in this area can be judgy, presumptuous and some are users. I have become better at gauging that, thankfully.

Oof this comment is a doozy. You basically say that the only women who ever ask why they don't have more close friends are simply selfish, competitive people. But then say people in this area can be judge and presumptuous? Pot, meet kettle -- I'd say you'll hit it off but I'm guessing you're more likely to be frenemies.

I mean, I think there’s some truth to the comment about being selfish. When my oldest was born, my world was rocked and I locked down and had no energy for anyone else. Like at all. I know realize I had post partum anxiety for sure and some level of depression too. And then I just couldn’t get back to the level of the other moms and I even my closest friends wished me well but the friendships weakened to the point several ended completely especially since we had moved and were not physically close to any of them. It took about 5 really hard years before we got some diagnoses and the right kind of help for my kid, and at that time I could better explain what was going on and why my experience was different from some of my friends. But there’s no going back- I put literally no energy into many of those relationships so how can I be surprised they ended? I’m incredibly grateful for the handful of people who understood and kept the thread of the friendship alive. I’m really really trying to put more energy into those friendships now that I’m able to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, I remember as a kid feeling that the dynamics of really close girlfriends were suffocating both physically and emotionally. I think it might be from growing up with all brothers and male cousins. As an adult, I still find the expectations of intimacy from the “close friend” type women to be pretty demanding. I have made peace with the fact that I am doomed to have many un-close friends.

It’s not so bad, because I do consider the friends I’ve had for 20 years to be close, just in a different sense. Perhaps all you need is to look at your friendships in a different light? Comparison is the thief of joy, after all.

I agree. I grew up with just brothers and several of the women I've been friends with expected me to drop things and run to them when I could not. I had a serious job and worked lots of hours trying to move up the ladder just a smidge. Most women had to work twice as much as the guys to get anywhere at work and I had friends who weren't sympathetic or didn't understand that. Too many women and even boyfriends expected hour long phone conversations. I could not be that person who talked every day or had constant long conversations. I was often exhausted from work and would feel stressed by the expectations of some of my friends. I have a child with sns and dealing with that was so hard and dealing with friends who had no clue was worse. I dropped a lot of friends through my kid's early school years. Now throw in politics and it's even harder. Op I don't think there is anything wrong with you. If you have a more professional job, I think it is just different. Good luck.

I disagree. I have plenty of close female friends who are doctors that went through grueling residencies, partners at consulting firms like BCG, start-up founders, etc. Of course I understood that they weren't always available for text chain rants or phone calls. But they prioritized socializing when they could and showed up for the important moments (or occasionally missed because of work obligations but made it up in another way). Now many of them are married with children and careers but stay in touch through texts and visits when they are in town (often for work).

+1. Doctors (and other "busy professionals") definitely have time to text during their day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

text friendship with someone suitable. Memes, links to articles, photo of something ... Less pressure and chance of rejection than an invite ...

NP here. It's so interesting that people are so different. I invite right away. Figure let's get together. We don't know if we like each other. Don't know yet. going to like each other. If it's texting only, I figure they have already decided - no real friendship

This isn't true. I have a couple of "texting only" friends. I'm a writer, and I like it that way. Our text exchanges are fun and I consider them my friends. Should I not consider them friends because I enjoy texting with them but not hanging out IRL? Why? I have other friends that I see IRL but not everyone clicks that way -- and some don't write long, funny, engaging, intelligent texts the others do, either. Why limit things?

I’m the PP who has a texting friendship with women I met from working together in an online team. I agree with you. I still have my close friends IRL and this takes nothing away from those friendships, but there is something uniquely enjoyable about this for me. I think it’s partly the diversity of the group and partly the word aspects of it. I too am a writer and we play a word game together in addition to just texting about our team and our lives.

[Anonymous]

I'm similar OP.

I can't complain, really. I have many close friends. But I do miss the uber-closeness I had with girlfriends in high school, college, and when I was working (in my 20s). I've been a SAHM for 12 years and I've had a rotating cast of close friends who are the mothers of same-aged kids. But then we moved on from preschool to elementary school, elementary to middle, etc. It's hard to maintain a friendship without a reason to see each other regularly IME. So neighbors or people you're seeing on the regular are the best bet.

I've been more mindful of picking up on other people who want to be close to me recently and a couple of friendships seem to be getting closer. It's just harder at this age. And while I feel like you can share everything about your boyfriend or new marriage with a friend in your teens and 20s, in your 40s you don't really share 20 years of baggage with a new friend. So there's just a natural barrier to bonding.

BTW, I wish I could be close friends with all the women in a similar boat in this thread!

[Anonymous]

I’m similar to many of the posters on here, although post-pandemic I don’t even think I have any local friends anymore. Distant acquaintances sure, but nothing more than that. I married young and I think that has a lot to do with it. What little local connections I had completely disappeared when I had kids and the pandemic hit.

I miss having the support of friends, but I have accepted that I nothing to offer them in return at this point in my life. I’m not even a fun person anymore. My young kids and job take for granted that I’m always there and always produce, and they suck everything out of me and then some. My DH is just a bottomless pit of need - does the bare minimum or less unless he’s trying to get some. (I can time his contributions to the household and demonstrated care for me by my fertility calendar- it’s that predicable.) I love my family of origin, but I’ve accepted long ago that the way they deal with someone experiencing trouble is to distance, or worse, to go out of their way to kick them when they’re down. Some inter generational trauma there for sure.

So that’s it. I try not to feel too bad for myself or become a mommy martyr, but the flip side of that is I have to be hard to protect what’s left of myself, and hard people aren’t outgoing and don’t make friends. Maybe someday things will improve but the more time goes by I’m worried I’m becoming hard coded this way.