Why don't I have any close girlfriends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could have written this word for word. I started dating my H very young (22) a d I think as a result I kind of missed out on the bonding that a lot of women did in their 20s. It's my own fault for not prioritizing it but it is what it is

I'm trying to just make peace with it. I have a great social life and really enjoy the people in it, I try not to focus on what I don't have. I do make considerable effort with my mom friends and I hope that in a decade when our kids are grown, that effort will pay off with friendships that endure. But idk. Sometimes I feel like I could disappear and they might not really notice.

I wrote similar above and yes, same in terms of finding spouse early in life. I don't have kids though, so no mom friends. That's funny - that's the one aspect of childrearing I feel like DH and I are missing out on, but then again, it still sounds lonely the way you have described it.

Anyway, I guess we all eventually die alone. Shrug.

[Anonymous]

I really don’t think this is about you but is about circumstance and timing. Lots of people are like this. Don’t overthink it or read into it reflecting on your character. It’s never too late to develop deep friendships though. When you find someone who you connect with, reach out to them and try to develop a friendship. As you get older this is really important. The reality is that most women over the age of 65 are on their own due to being widowed, divorced, or never married, and so friendship is critical later in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could have written this word for word. I started dating my H very young (22) a d I think as a result I kind of missed out on the bonding that a lot of women did in their 20s. It's my own fault for not prioritizing it but it is what it is

I'm trying to just make peace with it. I have a great social life and really enjoy the people in it, I try not to focus on what I don't have. I do make considerable effort with my mom friends and I hope that in a decade when our kids are grown, that effort will pay off with friendships that endure. But idk. Sometimes I feel like I could disappear and they might not really notice.

I never thought about this, but think this could be what's going on. OP, are you the kind of woman who always had a boyfriend and then got married?

I had a lot of single years and many of my tight friendships are from this era and endure until this day. I have seen woman who always have boyfriends make strong female friendships but they are usually very independent types who do a lot of things solo.

[Anonymous]

I'm in the same boat. As one PP said, I've made peace with it. In my case, I'm pretty sure I have inattentive ADHD, which makes it hard for me to make plans and be the initiator. Maybe once the kids are out of the house, I will have the bandwidth to expend on cultivating a best friend-relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could have written this word for word. I started dating my H very young (22) a d I think as a result I kind of missed out on the bonding that a lot of women did in their 20s. It's my own fault for not prioritizing it but it is what it is

I'm trying to just make peace with it. I have a great social life and really enjoy the people in it, I try not to focus on what I don't have. I do make considerable effort with my mom friends and I hope that in a decade when our kids are grown, that effort will pay off with friendships that endure. But idk. Sometimes I feel like I could disappear and they might not really notice.

You know, I never thought about it but I bet this is true for me too. I moved away from home for college and then even further for grad school so I always figured that was a big contributor but it’s true, my friends who were single were going on trips with their friends from home and stuff whereas I was prioritizing time off with my h(maybe too much in retrospect). I really miss the closeness I had with a couple women in grad school. I have friendships from work that I consider real friendships (they have been great sources of support for me during a couple rough patches) but we are all SO busy. I don’t think I could be as close to anyone right now but I could definitely do better. It’s just so hard to make a relationship work with a million other commitments.

I have still not made any mom friends. SAHMs want to get together during the day which makes total sense but I’m not available. And many working moms I know don’t even have time for the friendships they already have.

[Anonymous]

I feel the same sometimes and have thought about it quite a bit recently.

In my life, the women I know who have lots of female friends and who have an identified BFF have either never married or married relatively late, or they are married and don’t work outside the home. I admire their talent for friendship and I envy them a bit.

I’m sure part of it is personality. However, I also married young and remain married, so I didn’t have a period of single-woman bonding like many or most women of my background do. My husband doesn’t have a lot of friends, so while I meet a friend for a drink or walk or coffee, I don’t do it once a week with the same friend, as someone suggested. I also work, so the time I have less free time during the work day than do my friends who don’t work outside the home.

I would love to have the kind of friendships I see in books and movies, right? I often feel like everyone else has that and I don’t

[Anonymous]

My suggestion is to start a text friendship with someone suitable. Memes, links to articles, photo of something you saw shopping, etc. If they respond somewhat quickly and reciprocate, keep it going, being cautious not to overwhelm. Less pressure and chance of rejection than an invite, which can come later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel the same sometimes and have thought about it quite a bit recently.

In my life, the women I know who have lots of female friends and who have an identified BFF have either never married or married relatively late, or they are married and don’t work outside the home. I admire their talent for friendship and I envy them a bit.

I’m sure part of it is personality. However, I also married young and remain married, so I didn’t have a period of single-woman bonding like many or most women of my background do. My husband doesn’t have a lot of friends, so while I meet a friend for a drink or walk or coffee, I don’t do it once a week with the same friend, as someone suggested. I also work, so the time I have less free time during the work day than do my friends who don’t work outside the home.

I would love to have the kind of friendships I see in books and movies, right? I often feel like everyone else has that and I don’t

This is the PP. I should add that I recently spent a few days visiting my oldest friend, who lives on the West Coast. One of my closest friends, also on the West Coast, came to town for work and we got to spend a few evenings together. These things reminded me of how much I love those women and value our relationships. So now I’m planning trips to meet each of them halfway, like in NM or AZ, so we can spend time together. I’ve realized that it’s okay to prioritize these relationships and invest in them. They’re really important for my well being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My suggestion is to start a text friendship with someone suitable. Memes, links to articles, photo of something you saw shopping, etc. If they respond somewhat quickly and reciprocate, keep it going, being cautious not to overwhelm. Less pressure and chance of rejection than an invite, which can come later.

Lol. OP here and this might be why I struggle with these friendships -- I cannot do the whole text friendship thing. I mean, I text with friends but this specific dynamic you are talking about it is just not something I can do. I've had people do this with me and I admire their ability to be clever in quick off-the-cuff texts or to think of me randomly in the middle of their workday and send me a text about something I might be interested in.

I am great 1:1 or in small groups and can be a lot of fun and I know how to get to know people in person -- who to ask questions and share things about myself, etc. But I can't get the hang of text/social media friendships. I am not even on Facebook. I don't like looking at my phone throughout the day and mostly only keep it nearby in case something happens with my kid or there's an emergency with my DH. Who, by the way, I don't text a lot with. My personality just does not come through via texting and I've tried. Maybe that's the problem -- I can't communicate in the current language of friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My suggestion is to start a text friendship with someone suitable. Memes, links to articles, photo of something you saw shopping, etc. If they respond somewhat quickly and reciprocate, keep it going, being cautious not to overwhelm. Less pressure and chance of rejection than an invite, which can come later.

Lol. OP here and this might be why I struggle with these friendships -- I cannot do the whole text friendship thing. I mean, I text with friends but this specific dynamic you are talking about it is just not something I can do. I've had people do this with me and I admire their ability to be clever in quick off-the-cuff texts or to think of me randomly in the middle of their workday and send me a text about something I might be interested in.

I am great 1:1 or in small groups and can be a lot of fun and I know how to get to know people in person -- who to ask questions and share things about myself, etc. But I can't get the hang of text/social media friendships. I am not even on Facebook. I don't like looking at my phone throughout the day and mostly only keep it nearby in case something happens with my kid or there's an emergency with my DH. Who, by the way, I don't text a lot with. My personality just does not come through via texting and I've tried. Maybe that's the problem -- I can't communicate in the current language of friendship.

Then you need to work on it. Texting is how most people converse nowadays. I turned an old college roommate into a bff by texting and the rare phone call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My suggestion is to start a text friendship with someone suitable. Memes, links to articles, photo of something you saw shopping, etc. If they respond somewhat quickly and reciprocate, keep it going, being cautious not to overwhelm. Less pressure and chance of rejection than an invite, which can come later.

Lol. OP here and this might be why I struggle with these friendships -- I cannot do the whole text friendship thing. I mean, I text with friends but this specific dynamic you are talking about it is just not something I can do. I've had people do this with me and I admire their ability to be clever in quick off-the-cuff texts or to think of me randomly in the middle of their workday and send me a text about something I might be interested in.

I am great 1:1 or in small groups and can be a lot of fun and I know how to get to know people in person -- who to ask questions and share things about myself, etc. But I can't get the hang of text/social media friendships. I am not even on Facebook. I don't like looking at my phone throughout the day and mostly only keep it nearby in case something happens with my kid or there's an emergency with my DH. Who, by the way, I don't text a lot with. My personality just does not come through via texting and I've tried. Maybe that's the problem -- I can't communicate in the current language of friendship.

I’m the 14:22 poster. I met a group of women, all younger than me, through something we do online together. We’ve never met IRL but we have a really enjoyable texting friendship. It adds something to my life. Don’t rule it out!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:T[b]o have good friends you have to be a good friend. How much effort do you put into these relationships? How do you show up for friends?[/b]

+1

OP, the women I know who ask this are very one way, and rarely (if ever) ask about the other person. They can even come across as competitive, and are more "friendly" when you are down, than up.

My friendships that do span my lifetime do so because they are two-way.

The ones that have fizzled out, even after years, were too one way, and some might say to an extreme.

That, and people in this area can be judgy, presumptuous and some are users. I have become better at gauging that, thankfully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me, I remember as a kid feeling that the dynamics of really close girlfriends were suffocating both physically and emotionally. I think it might be from growing up with all brothers and male cousins. As an adult, I still find the expectations of intimacy from the “close friend” type women to be pretty demanding. I have made peace with the fact that I am doomed to have many un-close friends.

It’s not so bad, because I do consider the friends I’ve had for 20 years to be close, just in a different sense. Perhaps all you need is to look at your friendships in a different light? Comparison is the thief of joy, after all.

I agree. I grew up with just brothers and several of the women I've been friends with expected me to drop things and run to them when I could not. I had a serious job and worked lots of hours trying to move up the ladder just a smidge. Most women had to work twice as much as the guys to get anywhere at work and I had friends who weren't sympathetic or didn't understand that. Too many women and even boyfriends expected hour long phone conversations. I could not be that person who talked every day or had constant long conversations. I was often exhausted from work and would feel stressed by the expectations of some of my friends. I have a child with sns and dealing with that was so hard and dealing with friends who had no clue was worse. I dropped a lot of friends through my kid's early school years. Now throw in politics and it's even harder. Op I don't think there is anything wrong with you. If you have a more professional job, I think it is just different. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:T[b]o have good friends you have to be a good friend. How much effort do you put into these relationships? How do you show up for friends?[/b]

+1

OP, the women I know who ask this are very one way, and rarely (if ever) ask about the other person. They can even come across as competitive, and are more "friendly" when you are down, than up.

My friendships that do span my lifetime do so because they are two-way.

The ones that have fizzled out, even after years, were too one way, and some might say to an extreme.

That, and people in this area can be judgy, presumptuous and some are users. I have become better at gauging that, thankfully.

Oof this comment is a doozy. You basically say that the only women who ever ask why they don't have more close friends are simply selfish, competitive people. But then say people in this area can be judge and presumptuous? Pot, meet kettle -- I'd say you'll hit it off but I'm guessing you're more likely to be frenemies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, I remember as a kid feeling that the dynamics of really close girlfriends were suffocating both physically and emotionally. I think it might be from growing up with all brothers and male cousins. As an adult, I still find the expectations of intimacy from the “close friend” type women to be pretty demanding. I have made peace with the fact that I am doomed to have many un-close friends.

It’s not so bad, because I do consider the friends I’ve had for 20 years to be close, just in a different sense. Perhaps all you need is to look at your friendships in a different light? Comparison is the thief of joy, after all.

I agree. I grew up with just brothers and several of the women I've been friends with expected me to drop things and run to them when I could not. I had a serious job and worked lots of hours trying to move up the ladder just a smidge. Most women had to work twice as much as the guys to get anywhere at work and I had friends who weren't sympathetic or didn't understand that. Too many women and even boyfriends expected hour long phone conversations. I could not be that person who talked every day or had constant long conversations. I was often exhausted from work and would feel stressed by the expectations of some of my friends. I have a child with sns and dealing with that was so hard and dealing with friends who had no clue was worse. I dropped a lot of friends through my kid's early school years. Now throw in politics and it's even harder. Op I don't think there is anything wrong with you. If you have a more professional job, I think it is just different. Good luck.

I disagree. I have plenty of close female friends who are doctors that went through grueling residencies, partners at consulting firms like BCG, start-up founders, etc. Of course I understood that they weren't always available for text chain rants or phone calls. But they prioritized socializing when they could and showed up for the important moments (or occasionally missed because of work obligations but made it up in another way). Now many of them are married with children and careers but stay in touch through texts and visits when they are in town (often for work).