Why don't I have any close girlfriends?

[Anonymous]

Outwardly I'm a socially successful middle-aged adult. I am married and have a kid, and have very good relationships with both of them. I have a variety of friends from different times in my life, including a handful of friendships older than 15 years. I have not done a great job at staying in touch with friends from growing up, but do still maintain some contact with them and when we do see each other (very occasionally) we get on well. My husband and I have a lot of couple friends and family friends, and I'd say we have a reasonably active social life, with social things most weekends.

But I do not have a single close girlfriend. I do have a few girlfriends who I like and spend time with, but we aren't close. For instance, yesterday my family went out with some friends for an outing, and the two other women there are very close friends (used to work together for many years, maid of honor in each others weddings) and while I like them both and I know they like me, and we get along great and do hang out sometimes, I was thinking about how I just do not have a friendship like that in my life and never really have.

I'm not really sure why. I like women, am not over-competitive or jealous, and have always craved female friendship. But I've just never really found a truly close female friend like that. It sounds really wonderful. I have a sister but we aren't close at all -- she is ultra-religious and while we get along well enough when we visit, we just don't have anything in common.

I feel like most of the women I know have at least one friendship like this. I can't figure out what I've done wrong.

[Anonymous]

Well, my STBXDH and I never had couple friends, and that made me sad. But I have close girlfriends. I see very few people with both really close same-sex BFFs and close couple friends. It happens, but in my circle no one has both.

[Anonymous]

No insight but same here. Lots of friends from many different stages of life but I'm never the "best" friend. It's been that way my whole life.

[Anonymous]

Similar.

[Anonymous]

Super close friends take time, attention, and disclosure. My 2 BFFs, we spent HOURS on the phone in our 20’s trying to figure out life. Once we started moving on to other stages of our lives, we had that foundation so the friendship could withstand periods of less intense interaction.

I was lucky to make 2 close friends in my 40’s. They were the wives of DH’s HS buddies. We had become friendly, but still very surface. Until one divorced (because he cheated) and me and the other friend jumped into action and did girls night at her house (after kids went to sleep) almost every weekend for several years. During that time we all had MAJOR things happen in our lives. And we really leaned on each other. Now that we are busy again, we only see each other every few months. But text often and know they are there if we really need each other.

So really close friendships need time and attention to really bloom. And once you have kids, unless you put extra effort into it, it’s really difficult to establish that. And now that I think about it, all of these friendships, one person usually was the one reaching out a little more than the others. Not in an annoying way. Just keeping the connection alive.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's not that you haven't found it, you haven't developed it.
Best friend situations aren't perfect. How is it that you get along with your husband, day after day. That's how you get along with a best woman friend. But without the definition. Few very close friendships are defined as "best friend". Not unless you're in 6th grade. But you are close. Sometimes you are closer to others. Sometimes they are closer to others. Probably, of the women you are observing, they have several relationships that are closer than what you have. But that's ok. You are a different personality that thrives on something different. You can always work on it though, work on being a little different than you are.

[Anonymous]

To have good friends you have to be a good friend. How much effort do you put into these relationships? How do you show up for friends?

[Anonymous]

Of people I click with most, I then work to establish a predictable routine. Even Monday, an hour walk, at x time. Strive to be consistent and reliable while extending grace to the other person for the same, within reason. Seeing someone regularly and often enough means you share everyday events, the small things. Small things that make up your life are more intimate than the big picture things that you would share if you only communicate rarely. One on one is important, not social media messages to the masses. People are much more genuine one on one.

[Anonymous]

I feel like I'm a good friend and absolutely show up for other people, reach out and initiate plans, put in the work. I still don't have any close female friends. Many friends, just no one that close. What I've found is that people don't really reciprocate when I do these things. Often people already have close friends from childhood or college and simply are not looking for another close female friend. Other times I think people want close friends, but just not with me for whatever reason. I still maintain these friendships but at a certain point you recognize that the other person is not interested in a closer friendship and you settle into something more casual.

I don't think the absence of these close friendships is due to lack of effort. I think it's about timing and luck. I think to get close people need the right amount of stuff in common, but also to not be in direct competition for things, and then enough time and interest to help it blossom. It's not a personal failing.

[Anonymous]

Are you the Op? Doesn't matter. Do agree with what you say. Think it's a numbers game. You (everyone) just has to try to make this happen will so many people, in order to find any. It is exhausting. I think in generally, everyone has far fewer -truly- close relationship than they think they should have given their effort. And also think others have a far greater number than they really have.

[Anonymous]

Someone ought to make an algorithm for finding friends. For example I know I have a better than average chance at a close friendship if: They are from the Midwest. They don't have sisters. If they do and the sister lives nearby, that takes up their time.

[Anonymous]

I think you should be careful what you wish for- you have family, friends and an active social life. A close friend, depending on the person, often requires considerable effort- when you get busy you can’t just ignore their texts without hurt feelings. I have a close friendship where is sometimes feels like we are characters in a Jane Austen novel- expressing love and devotion, etc. It’s a bit much.

[Anonymous]

For me, I remember as a kid feeling that the dynamics of really close girlfriends were suffocating both physically and emotionally. I think it might be from growing up with all brothers and male cousins. As an adult, I still find the expectations of intimacy from the “close friend” type women to be pretty demanding. I have made peace with the fact that I am doomed to have many un-close friends.

It’s not so bad, because I do consider the friends I’ve had for 20 years to be close, just in a different sense. Perhaps all you need is to look at your friendships in a different light? Comparison is the thief of joy, after all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Similar.

Same. I have many female acquaintances and casual friends, but not many that I would call up anytime to discuss personal issues.

I am kind of baffled when I see that women are still best friends with their high school best friends. It’s great for them, but I don’t have anything in common with my high school friends anymore.

[Anonymous]

I could have written this word for word. I started dating my H very young (22) a d I think as a result I kind of missed out on the bonding that a lot of women did in their 20s. It's my own fault for not prioritizing it but it is what it is

I'm trying to just make peace with it. I have a great social life and really enjoy the people in it, I try not to focus on what I don't have. I do make considerable effort with my mom friends and I hope that in a decade when our kids are grown, that effort will pay off with friendships that endure. But idk. Sometimes I feel like I could disappear and they might not really notice.