Would you gray divorce a “roommate” spouse if…

[Anonymous]

Do you love her?

You have sex 4-8 times a month.

Why not just enjoy what you have?

[Anonymous]

If you don't need to protect your kids or future grand children from her (ie. she's dangerous, a liability, mental disorders), then yeah, leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Don't all marriages end up like this?

I am staying because:
1. Money. Separate homes are more expensive. Kids need college tuition. Retirement is less expensive as a couple.
2. Social life. Our circle is all married, with all more or less similar marriages. There is a lot of stability there, all the kids are happy and balanced. Divorce would be disruptive to our community of friends and families.
3. I don't really want to live by myself, and finding another partner and learning to live with a new person just sounds like a giant hassle!

I divorced at 42 after a 10-year marriage. Money would have been the only reason to stay. I have been way more successful since divorcing...the man always held me back.

No. 2 and No. 3 were not relevant in my situation. We had no shared life at all...and I love living alone. I was never ever comfortable living with him.
Also, we were sexless for 7 years.

You seem like the type that should not divorce. I definitely made the right decision.

Do you have children with him? If so, how much did that factor into your decision?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Don't all marriages end up like this?

I am staying because:
1. Money. Separate homes are more expensive. Kids need college tuition. Retirement is less expensive as a couple.
2. Social life. Our circle is all married, with all more or less similar marriages. There is a lot of stability there, all the kids are happy and balanced. Divorce would be disruptive to our community of friends and families.
3. I don't really want to live by myself, and finding another partner and learning to live with a new person just sounds like a giant hassle!

I divorced at 42 after a 10-year marriage. Money would have been the only reason to stay. I have been way more successful since divorcing...the man always held me back.

No. 2 and No. 3 were not relevant in my situation. We had no shared life at all...and I love living alone. I was never ever comfortable living with him.
Also, we were sexless for 7 years.

You seem like the type that should not divorce. I definitely made the right decision.

Do you have children with him? If so, how much did that factor into your decision?

Yes, kids. But it was not the plan. Kids were not a factor. They have a great childhood. Nothing worse than modeling a dyfunctional relationship. We barely spoke. My kids are fine. We coparent find and much better than pretending in a crappy marriage. Divorce did not impact them much at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Don't all marriages end up like this?

I am staying because:
1. Money. Separate homes are more expensive. Kids need college tuition. Retirement is less expensive as a couple.
2. Social life. Our circle is all married, with all more or less similar marriages. There is a lot of stability there, all the kids are happy and balanced. Divorce would be disruptive to our community of friends and families.
3. I don't really want to live by myself, and finding another partner and learning to live with a new person just sounds like a giant hassle!

I divorced at 42 after a 10-year marriage. Money would have been the only reason to stay. I have been way more successful since divorcing...the man always held me back.

No. 2 and No. 3 were not relevant in my situation. We had no shared life at all...and I love living alone. I was never ever comfortable living with him.
Also, we were sexless for 7 years.

You seem like the type that should not divorce. I definitely made the right decision.

Do you have children with him? If so, how much did that factor into your decision?

I have to clarify what I said. Kids were a factor in staying the marriage as long as I did. If there were no kids, it would have ended within 18 months. A kid surprise kept me there. But when I finally decided to divorce, kids were no longer a factor. I did not see how staying longer only to divorce later for certain would benefit them. There was no sex between the conception of kids and none after. Both were shocking surprises. People do not usually get pregnant from one time unprotected (we fought about birth control). I do.

[Anonymous]

I went through a grey divorce in the past two years. I’m much happier now. So is my ex.

[Anonymous]

Well I'm the wife and we were wealthy. I'm glad I got out. I do feel bad for my adult kids. Being divorced is no fun for them. I'm doing great but in hindsight maybe I should have just sucked up being unhappy.

Time will tell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is it that you are fantasizing exists, OP? What else are you looking for in your relationship?

OP here. I’m looking for genuine connection, not a way to merely pass the time.

Can you be specific in what that looks like? You also said earlier that you and your wife have different life and social priorities. Can you provide examples?

[Anonymous]

You're still having sex? I guess you're not so unhappy. Or is she still doing you as her wifey obligation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Don't all marriages end up like this?

I am staying because:
1. Money. Separate homes are more expensive. Kids need college tuition. Retirement is less expensive as a couple.
2. Social life. Our circle is all married, with all more or less similar marriages. There is a lot of stability there, all the kids are happy and balanced. Divorce would be disruptive to our community of friends and families.
3. I don't really want to live by myself, and finding another partner and learning to live with a new person just sounds like a giant hassle!

No

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Don't all marriages end up like this?

I am staying because:
1. Money. Separate homes are more expensive. Kids need college tuition. Retirement is less expensive as a couple.
2. Social life. Our circle is all married, with all more or less similar marriages. There is a lot of stability there, all the kids are happy and balanced. Divorce would be disruptive to our community of friends and families.
3. I don't really want to live by myself, and finding another partner and learning to live with a new person just sounds like a giant hassle!

I divorced at 42 after a 10-year marriage. Money would have been the only reason to stay. I have been way more successful since divorcing...the man always held me back.

No. 2 and No. 3 were not relevant in my situation. We had no shared life at all...and I love living alone. I was never ever comfortable living with him.
Also, we were sexless for 7 years.

You seem like the type that should not divorce. I definitely made the right decision.

Do you have children with him? If so, how much did that factor into your decision?

Yes, kids. But it was not the plan. Kids were not a factor. They have a great childhood. Nothing worse than modeling a dyfunctional relationship. We barely spoke. My kids are fine. We coparent find and much better than pretending in a crappy marriage. Divorce did not impact them much at all.

This is delusional. They are certainly impacted and you are downplaying it for you own sake. Wake up, lady

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is it that you are fantasizing exists, OP? What else are you looking for in your relationship?

OP here. I’m looking for genuine connection, not a way to merely pass the time.

Can’t you find meaningful connections in your life without divorce?

Have you met another woman that you think you connect with better than your wife?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is it that you are fantasizing exists, OP? What else are you looking for in your relationship?

OP here. I’m looking for genuine connection, not a way to merely pass the time.

You had that with your wife initially , right?

Without therapy, how do you know if you are the cause of the spark dying out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Do her a favor and leave. You could not sound less into the relationship. That must be obvious and sad for her.

(Personally, I would not be motivated to have weekly sex with someone who I find to be boring and annoying...but men aren't known for having a high bar in that arena).

Make sure that the "things" that she keep nagging you to do, are not chores that you would not take on besides all of the household chores that she is currently doing.

Life is short. Just leave. But don't assume you will find the whole package (or anyone) down the road.

Big +1

DP. In my own parents’ marriage, my mother nags my father about spending too much time on his own (although he works out and she doesn’t so he’s actually more active). She doesn’t let him buy things that he wants even though they have the money for it, because she thinks it’s a waste. He would not divorce her. I love her so nothing against her, but I would not find it acceptable to be micro managed like that as a 60+ year old person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Do her a favor and leave. You could not sound less into the relationship. That must be obvious and sad for her.

(Personally, I would not be motivated to have weekly sex with someone who I find to be boring and annoying...but men aren't known for having a high bar in that arena).

Make sure that the "things" that she keep nagging you to do, are not chores that you would not take on besides all of the household chores that she is currently doing.

Life is short. Just leave. But don't assume you will find the whole package (or anyone) down the road.

Big +1

On his phone, not on his own.
DP. In my own parents’ marriage, my mother nags my father about spending too much time on his own (although he works out and she doesn’t so he’s actually more active). She doesn’t let him buy things that he wants even though they have the money for it, because she thinks it’s a waste. He would not divorce her. I love her so nothing against her, but I would not find it acceptable to be micro managed like that as a 60+ year old person.