Would you gray divorce a “roommate” spouse if…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am facing this decision in 2 years when we become empty nesters. We want different things, live different places. Also, we are sexless.

But we are good friends and companions and financially successful. Do you throw it away? Not an easy decision. Only 47 years old

Your issues seem very clear that a divorce is necessary. At the very least a clear conversation that the marriage will become open if sex is no longer an option. Your spouse can chose to accelerate divorce if they don’t want an open marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:… doing so would not be overly burdensome on your economic situation and your kids are out of the house?

I can see reasons to stay together, like companionship, even better economics, family unity, etc., but we like to spend time differently and she constantly nags me to do stuff I don’t want to do. Basically, we have different life and social priorities. We’re both in our mid-50’s, and I’m unsure I want to live my golden years this way. If you’re wondering, we have sex about once a week or two.

In essence, the relationship is OK, but not stimulating or interesting and a bit annoying to me. I’m guessing a lot of relationships are like this, and I may be fantasizing about something that doesn’t really exist, but I’m curious to hear from others in a similar situation.

you’re an … immature guy, although there’s another better word to describe you, you’re not roommates if you’re not sexless, roommates do not have sex, seems you would before like some housemaid you also want to bang and tip, there are services but looks like you’re bad tipper as well
my honest advice, either get your act together and perform your duties, mister, or get out and let your wife enjoy her golden years, she would be better off using her wand than put up with you

[Anonymous]

Just get a divorce and move on, OP. Don't do anything halfway.

[Anonymous]

I feel sorry for your spouse because you’re not happy, thinking of leaving, and yet how much effort have you made? Have you done individual therapy to figure what’s your issue and put in effort to fix it? Had discussions with your spouse about what’s going on? Talked about ways to reconnect, find common interests, grow closer?

[Anonymous]

This marriage is a waste of her time. Enjoy dying alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Don't all marriages end up like this?

I am staying because:
1. Money. Separate homes are more expensive. Kids need college tuition. Retirement is less expensive as a couple.
2. Social life. Our circle is all married, with all more or less similar marriages. There is a lot of stability there, all the kids are happy and balanced. Divorce would be disruptive to our community of friends and families.
3. I don't really want to live by myself, and finding another partner and learning to live with a new person just sounds like a giant hassle!

I divorced at 42 after a 10-year marriage. Money would have been the only reason to stay. I have been way more successful since divorcing...the man always held me back.

No. 2 and No. 3 were not relevant in my situation. We had no shared life at all...and I love living alone. I was never ever comfortable living with him.
Also, we were sexless for 7 years.

You seem like the type that should not divorce. I definitely made the right decision.

[Anonymous]

What is it that you are fantasizing exists, OP? What else are you looking for in your relationship?

[Anonymous]

I would not want to live my golden years like that. I'd leave.

[Anonymous]

Did anyone else read “The Apple Tree” by Daphne Dumaurier? This post reminds me of it.


https://fictionfanblog.wordpress.com/2014/03/04/tuesday-terror-the-apple-tree-by-daphne-du-maurier/

“The Apple Tree tells the tale of a recent (unnamed) widower, bereaved but not bereft. Frankly, he had found his wife Midge irritating for years. A self-appointed martyr, she had always managed to make him feel guilty about how little he did around the house and how hard she worked, though he always felt she took on tasks that could easily have been left undone or left for the daily maid. She had always taken the pessimistic view of any piece of news and for years he had felt she sucked the joy out of life. So he happily admits to himself, though not to the world, that her death from pneumonia was more of a relief than a loss. And suddenly he’s enjoying life again – until one day he looks out of his window and spots that one of his apple trees bears an uncanny resemblance to the hunched, drudging image of his late wife…

This is a fine example of what du Maurier does best – creating a chilling atmosphere just bordering on the supernatural but never clearly crossing that line. Although the story is told in the third person, we see it unfold through the widower’s eyes, giving it the effect of an ‘unreliable narrator’. If Midge was as the widower saw her, then his happiness at her death is understandable. But how much did he contribute to making her what she became? We catch glimpses of the young woman she once was, trying to please the husband she loved and having her enthusiasm stamped on by this man who clearly looked down on her. Is the widower to be pitied or condemned? And is the story one of a ghostly haunting or of self-inflicted psychological horror brought on by guilt?

As the seasons wear past, the tree affects the widower more and more – its blossom horribly overblown to his eyes, while seeming to be admired by others; its fruit disgusting to him while seeming fine to his daily maid; the smell of the wood from a fallen branch that he burns nauseating…choking. And in all its oversized ugliness, it hides the beauty of the little tree next to it – a tree that reminds the widower of a girl he once knew, perhaps a little too well. At last he decides to do what he has been putting off for too long – he will chop the tree down…”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone else read “The Apple Tree” by Daphne Dumaurier? This post reminds me of it.


https://fictionfanblog.wordpress.com/2014/03/04/tuesday-terror-the-apple-tree-by-daphne-du-maurier/

“The Apple Tree tells the tale of a recent (unnamed) widower, bereaved but not bereft. Frankly, he had found his wife Midge irritating for years. A self-appointed martyr, she had always managed to make him feel guilty about how little he did around the house and how hard she worked, though he always felt she took on tasks that could easily have been left undone or left for the daily maid. She had always taken the pessimistic view of any piece of news and for years he had felt she sucked the joy out of life. So he happily admits to himself, though not to the world, that her death from pneumonia was more of a relief than a loss. And suddenly he’s enjoying life again – until one day he looks out of his window and spots that one of his apple trees bears an uncanny resemblance to the hunched, drudging image of his late wife…

This is a fine example of what du Maurier does best – creating a chilling atmosphere just bordering on the supernatural but never clearly crossing that line. Although the story is told in the third person, we see it unfold through the widower’s eyes, giving it the effect of an ‘unreliable narrator’. If Midge was as the widower saw her, then his happiness at her death is understandable. But how much did he contribute to making her what she became? We catch glimpses of the young woman she once was, trying to please the husband she loved and having her enthusiasm stamped on by this man who clearly looked down on her. Is the widower to be pitied or condemned? And is the story one of a ghostly haunting or of self-inflicted psychological horror brought on by guilt?

As the seasons wear past, the tree affects the widower more and more – its blossom horribly overblown to his eyes, while seeming to be admired by others; its fruit disgusting to him while seeming fine to his daily maid; the smell of the wood from a fallen branch that he burns nauseating…choking. And in all its oversized ugliness, it hides the beauty of the little tree next to it – a tree that reminds the widower of a girl he once knew, perhaps a little too well. At last he decides to do what he has been putting off for too long – he will chop the tree down…”

Well, this was a shocking elevation of the thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:… doing so would not be overly burdensome on your economic situation and your kids are out of the house?

I can see reasons to stay together, like companionship, even better economics, family unity, etc., but we like to spend time differently and she constantly nags me to do stuff I don’t want to do. Basically, we have different life and social priorities. We’re both in our mid-50’s, and I’m unsure I want to live my golden years this way. If you’re wondering, we have sex about once a week or two.

In essence, the relationship is OK, but not stimulating or interesting and a bit annoying to me. I’m guessing a lot of relationships are like this, and I may be fantasizing about something that doesn’t really exist, but I’m curious to hear from others in a similar situation.

I’m 51 and my spouse and I last had sex in 2017, so once or twice a week sounds good to me! But the other issues you describe sound problematic. It’s hard because at this age, we know that we are mortal and we are questioning how we want to spend the rest of our lives. My suggestion would to be open with your wife about what you’re feeling. She may feel the same. And then give it 6 months. Pour everything you can into the marriage. Go on dates with each other. Find a fun hobby or activity you can do together. Maybe do discernment counseling. See where you are in 6 months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is it that you are fantasizing exists, OP? What else are you looking for in your relationship?

OP here. I’m looking for genuine connection, not a way to merely pass the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is it that you are fantasizing exists, OP? What else are you looking for in your relationship?

OP here. I’m looking for genuine connection, not a way to merely pass the time.

Sure. You sound stuck in a fantasy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel sorry for your spouse because you’re not happy, thinking of leaving, and yet how much effort have you made? Have you done individual therapy to figure what’s your issue and put in effort to fix it? Had discussions with your spouse about what’s going on? Talked about ways to reconnect, find common interests, grow closer?

NP. OP, what are your answers to the above questions? They are legitimate questions to ask, but you've leaped far ahead to your own questions about "Should I stay for finances" etc.

What have you done for the marriage? There are two people in a marriage and there is a third entity--the marriage itself. Have you talked to her about how YOU regard this as a mere "roommate" situation? (Though like others here, I think that weekly sex is far from a roommate marriage.) Have you, to be blunt, "used your words" or have you just stewed in this apathy toward her without ever telling her that's what's happening in your head? Because if you don't, and you divorce her, that's blindsiding her, and it gives neither of you any chance to step back and consider why you got married in the first place. So: Why DID you get married in the first place? And as PP says: What effort have you made? If you have told her your issues, what effor has she made, and what have you tried together?

I'm wagering on your coming back to insist she won't be receptive to changing anything so you haven't asked or tried. Yet one can't know for sure until...one asks or tries. You sound simply bored and apathetic, but you at least could tell her you feel bored and apathetic and no longer love her. Funny, you haven't mentioned at all if you love her, or ever did love her. As a person, not just for sex and financial stability as a unit. And again. You are not "roommate spouses" but the fact you want to paint yourself as such indicates you think it'll give you an easy thing to tell others when they wonder why you two divorced.

Put in some work first or at least talk to her rather than blindsiding her. She may be thinking that weekly sex is a good, steady thing, and she may actually think she still loves you. It is possible to love and be married to someone and not have a lot of activities or interests in common. She may have a very different perspective from yours on your marriage. Have. You. Asked?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone else read “The Apple Tree” by Daphne Dumaurier? This post reminds me of it.


https://fictionfanblog.wordpress.com/2014/03/04/tuesday-terror-the-apple-tree-by-daphne-du-maurier/

“The Apple Tree tells the tale of a recent (unnamed) widower, bereaved but not bereft. Frankly, he had found his wife Midge irritating for years. A self-appointed martyr, she had always managed to make him feel guilty about how little he did around the house and how hard she worked, though he always felt she took on tasks that could easily have been left undone or left for the daily maid. She had always taken the pessimistic view of any piece of news and for years he had felt she sucked the joy out of life. So he happily admits to himself, though not to the world, that her death from pneumonia was more of a relief than a loss. And suddenly he’s enjoying life again – until one day he looks out of his window and spots that one of his apple trees bears an uncanny resemblance to the hunched, drudging image of his late wife…

This is a fine example of what du Maurier does best – creating a chilling atmosphere just bordering on the supernatural but never clearly crossing that line. Although the story is told in the third person, we see it unfold through the widower’s eyes, giving it the effect of an ‘unreliable narrator’. If Midge was as the widower saw her, then his happiness at her death is understandable. But how much did he contribute to making her what she became? We catch glimpses of the young woman she once was, trying to please the husband she loved and having her enthusiasm stamped on by this man who clearly looked down on her. Is the widower to be pitied or condemned? And is the story one of a ghostly haunting or of self-inflicted psychological horror brought on by guilt?

As the seasons wear past, the tree affects the widower more and more – its blossom horribly overblown to his eyes, while seeming to be admired by others; its fruit disgusting to him while seeming fine to his daily maid; the smell of the wood from a fallen branch that he burns nauseating…choking. And in all its oversized ugliness, it hides the beauty of the little tree next to it – a tree that reminds the widower of a girl he once knew, perhaps a little too well. At last he decides to do what he has been putting off for too long – he will chop the tree down…”

This is quite interesting. When one party is smarter, wealthier, more charismatic, etc. than the other, the dynamic can become one of the “better” holding the “lesser” in contempt while the “lesser” seeks to earn the “better’s” attention. Meanwhile, the “lesser” internally grows frustrated that their life is always lived for the “better” and the “better” yearns for their equal. Both would do better on their own terms, yet something holds them together. Perhaps, the “lesser” feels important with “better,” and “better” feels superior with “lesser.”