Would you gray divorce a “roommate” spouse if…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Do her a favor and leave. You could not sound less into the relationship. That must be obvious and sad for her.

(Personally, I would not be motivated to have weekly sex with someone who I find to be boring and annoying...but men aren't known for having a high bar in that arena).

Make sure that the "things" that she keep nagging you to do, are not chores that you would not take on besides all of the household chores that she is currently doing.

Life is short. Just leave. But don't assume you will find the whole package (or anyone) down the road.

Big +1

On his phone, not on his own.
DP. In my own parents’ marriage, my mother nags my father about spending too much time on his own (although he works out and she doesn’t so he’s actually more active). She doesn’t let him buy things that he wants even though they have the money for it, because she thinks it’s a waste. He would not divorce her. I love her so nothing against her, but I would not find it acceptable to be micro managed like that as a 60+ year old person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well I'm the wife and we were wealthy. I'm glad I got out. I do feel bad for my adult kids. Being divorced is no fun for them. I'm doing great but in hindsight maybe I should have just sucked up being unhappy.

Time will tell.

Why exactly are the adult kids unhappy?

Are they getting pulled in two directions? Or feel forced into a relationship with one of their parents where they never had an actual relationship? Is there a step parent and blended family issues that somehow affect them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone else read “The Apple Tree” by Daphne Dumaurier? This post reminds me of it.


https://fictionfanblog.wordpress.com/2014/03/04/tuesday-terror-the-apple-tree-by-daphne-du-maurier/

“The Apple Tree tells the tale of a recent (unnamed) widower, bereaved but not bereft. Frankly, he had found his wife Midge irritating for years. A self-appointed martyr, she had always managed to make him feel guilty about how little he did around the house and how hard she worked, though he always felt she took on tasks that could easily have been left undone or left for the daily maid. She had always taken the pessimistic view of any piece of news and for years he had felt she sucked the joy out of life. So he happily admits to himself, though not to the world, that her death from pneumonia was more of a relief than a loss. And suddenly he’s enjoying life again – until one day he looks out of his window and spots that one of his apple trees bears an uncanny resemblance to the hunched, drudging image of his late wife…

This is a fine example of what du Maurier does best – creating a chilling atmosphere just bordering on the supernatural but never clearly crossing that line. Although the story is told in the third person, we see it unfold through the widower’s eyes, giving it the effect of an ‘unreliable narrator’. If Midge was as the widower saw her, then his happiness at her death is understandable. But how much did he contribute to making her what she became? We catch glimpses of the young woman she once was, trying to please the husband she loved and having her enthusiasm stamped on by this man who clearly looked down on her. Is the widower to be pitied or condemned? And is the story one of a ghostly haunting or of self-inflicted psychological horror brought on by guilt?

As the seasons wear past, the tree affects the widower more and more – its blossom horribly overblown to his eyes, while seeming to be admired by others; its fruit disgusting to him while seeming fine to his daily maid; the smell of the wood from a fallen branch that he burns nauseating…choking. And in all its oversized ugliness, it hides the beauty of the little tree next to it – a tree that reminds the widower of a girl he once knew, perhaps a little too well. At last he decides to do what he has been putting off for too long – he will chop the tree down…”

Well, this was a shocking elevation of the thread.

...and very nicely done!

[Anonymous]

That’s a best seller book for awhile now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:… doing so would not be overly burdensome on your economic situation and your kids are out of the house?

I can see reasons to stay together, like companionship, even better economics, family unity, etc., but we like to spend time differently and she constantly nags me to do stuff I don’t want to do. Basically, we have different life and social priorities. We’re both in our mid-50’s, and I’m unsure I want to live my golden years this way. If you’re wondering, we have sex about once a week or two.

In essence, the relationship is OK, but not stimulating or interesting and a bit annoying to me. I’m guessing a lot of relationships are like this, and I may be fantasizing about something that doesn’t really exist, but I’m curious to hear from others in a similar situation.

That is a very high sex frequency for someone your age and is in no way is that a roommate situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well I'm the wife and we were wealthy. I'm glad I got out. I do feel bad for my adult kids. Being divorced is no fun for them. I'm doing great but in hindsight maybe I should have just sucked up being unhappy.

Time will tell.

Why exactly are the adult kids unhappy?

Are they getting pulled in two directions? Or feel forced into a relationship with one of their parents where they never had an actual relationship? Is there a step parent and blended family issues that somehow affect them?

Really?

My husband’s parents were divorced shortly before we got married, and it’s a huge headache.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Don't all marriages end up like this?

I am staying because:
1. Money. Separate homes are more expensive. Kids need college tuition. Retirement is less expensive as a couple.
2. Social life. Our circle is all married, with all more or less similar marriages. There is a lot of stability there, all the kids are happy and balanced. Divorce would be disruptive to our community of friends and families.
3. I don't really want to live by myself, and finding another partner and learning to live with a new person just sounds like a giant hassle!

I divorced at 42 after a 10-year marriage. Money would have been the only reason to stay. I have been way more successful since divorcing...the man always held me back.

No. 2 and No. 3 were not relevant in my situation. We had no shared life at all...and I love living alone. I was never ever comfortable living with him.
Also, we were sexless for 7 years.

You seem like the type that should not divorce. I definitely made the right decision.

Do you have children with him? If so, how much did that factor into your decision?

Yes, kids. But it was not the plan. Kids were not a factor. They have a great childhood. Nothing worse than modeling a dyfunctional relationship. We barely spoke. My kids are fine. We coparent find and much better than pretending in a crappy marriage. Divorce did not impact them much at all.

This is delusional. They are certainly impacted and you are downplaying it for you own sake. Wake up, lady

You don't know what my divorce looks like. We still do family stuff together. We don't sleep in the same house 2 miles apart. We see the kids whenever we want. It is not like how you imagine a divorce to be...sorry to burst your bubble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:… doing so would not be overly burdensome on your economic situation and your kids are out of the house?

I can see reasons to stay together, like companionship, even better economics, family unity, etc., but we like to spend time differently and she constantly nags me to do stuff I don’t want to do. Basically, we have different life and social priorities. We’re both in our mid-50’s, and I’m unsure I want to live my golden years this way. If you’re wondering, we have sex about once a week or two.

In essence, the relationship is OK, but not stimulating or interesting and a bit annoying to me. I’m guessing a lot of relationships are like this, and I may be fantasizing about something that doesn’t really exist, but I’m curious to hear from others in a similar situation.

That is a very high sex frequency for someone your age and is in no way is that a roommate situation.

+1 Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Good luck finding another roommate who will have sex with you weekly or biweekly and not nag you to do any chores. I hear there are mail order brides available.

[Anonymous]

Are you in Virginia? I have a firm that specializes in this situation. Hicks Crandall Juhl. They provide compassionate and effective family law representation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well I'm the wife and we were wealthy. I'm glad I got out. I do feel bad for my adult kids. Being divorced is no fun for them. I'm doing great but in hindsight maybe I should have just sucked up being unhappy.

Time will tell.

Why exactly are the adult kids unhappy?

Are they getting pulled in two directions? Or feel forced into a relationship with one of their parents where they never had an actual relationship? Is there a step parent and blended family issues that somehow affect them?

Really?

My husband’s parents were divorced shortly before we got married, and it’s a huge headache.

Why is it a huge headache? Can you pls provide a couple examples?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:… doing so would not be overly burdensome on your economic situation and your kids are out of the house?

I can see reasons to stay together, like companionship, even better economics, family unity, etc., but we like to spend time differently and she constantly nags me to do stuff I don’t want to do. Basically, we have different life and social priorities. We’re both in our mid-50’s, and I’m unsure I want to live my golden years this way. If you’re wondering, we have sex about once a week or two.

In essence, the relationship is OK, but not stimulating or interesting and a bit annoying to me. I’m guessing a lot of relationships are like this, and I may be fantasizing about something that doesn’t really exist, but I’m curious to hear from others in a similar situation.

That is a very high sex frequency for someone your age and is in no way is that a roommate situation.

That is not a high sex frequency for mid-50s people. I'm late 50s and when I'm in a relationship, sex is 2x a day.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the poster who is asking you what you mean by a"genuine connection".

You need to know, specifically and in detail, what you want. If you don't know then how can she help with that?

Is genuine connection a fun activity? Is it serious discussions? Is it sharing feelings?

I think your issue may have nothing to do with your wife, it may be that you don't know what you are missing and can't define it but you feel it and you're looking to her to fix it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well I'm the wife and we were wealthy. I'm glad I got out. I do feel bad for my adult kids. Being divorced is no fun for them. I'm doing great but in hindsight maybe I should have just sucked up being unhappy.

Time will tell.

Why exactly are the adult kids unhappy?

Are they getting pulled in two directions? Or feel forced into a relationship with one of their parents where they never had an actual relationship? Is there a step parent and blended family issues that somehow affect them?

Really?

My husband’s parents were divorced shortly before we got married, and it’s a huge headache.

Why is it a huge headache? Can you pls provide a couple examples?

Well, when we were first married and they were newly divorced, they couldn’t be in the same room at the same time, and DH felt that he had to work things out so that they could both be there but not run into each other at events like our wedding, the births of our children, first birthday parties, etc.

Over the years there were a lot of girlfriends/boyfriends. Some of them were live-in. There was some conflict about whether or not to introduce this parade of significant others to the kids or have them over to my parents house if my mom and dad were hosting holidays.

When they were older, they needed care. They probably could have gotten along physically and financially together, but neither could manage alone.

When they died, DH and I had to plan both funerals, extended family from the other side refused to come and mourn, and DH and his brother didn’t have a lot of the support they could have used.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:… doing so would not be overly burdensome on your economic situation and your kids are out of the house?

I can see reasons to stay together, like companionship, even better economics, family unity, etc., but we like to spend time differently and she constantly nags me to do stuff I don’t want to do. Basically, we have different life and social priorities. We’re both in our mid-50’s, and I’m unsure I want to live my golden years this way. If you’re wondering, we have sex about once a week or two.

In essence, the relationship is OK, but not stimulating or interesting and a bit annoying to me. I’m guessing a lot of relationships are like this, and I may be fantasizing about something that doesn’t really exist, but I’m curious to hear from others in a similar situation.

That is a very high sex frequency for someone your age and is in no way is that a roommate situation.

That is not a high sex frequency for mid-50s people. I'm late 50s and when I'm in a relationship, sex is 2x a day.

BS it an extreme high. Late 50’s you will be luck to have sex twice a month. Also old person sex does nit come close to sex as a young person.